Wife Wont Let Me Do Anything

[frenchface]

My wife and I were high school sweet hearts. We were virgins till we got married. We have now been married for about 5 months. She loves sex we have it atleast once a day. But she does not want to try anything but intercouse. Sex for us only takes about 10 minuites there is really no foreplay at all. Once in a while she will like oral sex but she usually tells me not to. She does like me to tough her pussy with my hand. So I was hoping she might like to try a g-spot orgaism. After a few seconds she said she had to pee really bad and I told her it was normal. A few seconds after that she said she really really had to pee. I said ok go pee. When she came back she wanted nothing to do with the g-spot and just wanted to have intercouse. She claimed she didint feal sexy (which she is the most sexy woman I have ever seen). I dont understand why she doesnt want to try anything else. All I want to do is give her pleasure. Any ideas?

[frenchface]

There is something more going on here than just an aversion to certain sex acts. Get the two of you into marriage counseling. Perhaps both of you will be more candid with a counselor, and the counselor can then help the two of you learn to work out these kinds of problems.

Howard

Could you expound on that. I dont see how there is more than an aversion to certain sex acts. She really enjoys sex. She let me open my christmas present early and she me presents for her to wear such as a nurses outfit, cop outfit, a misses clause outfit, and a double agent outfit. So she is wanting to try new things, but somethings are engraned in her that they are wrong or something; such as she thinks handjobs are disgusting.

[Amylynn920]

I have to agree with Howard, something is making her find natural acts "disgusting". If she won't open up and tell you why and be willing to work on it, then maybe she will with a neutral counselor.

You tell us this:

But she does not want to try anything but intercouse. Sex for us only takes about 10 minuites there is really no foreplay at all. I dont understand why she doesnt want to try anything else

She only wants straight intercourse, no foreplay, no handjobs, does not want oral, will not try anything else.

That speaks to me that she and you need to explore what's going on. Otherwise expect her to just have intercourse with you.

There is so much more that she's denying herself the pleasure of and you.

If it were me I'd make an appointment for a counselor.

[Tyger]

Welcome to the forum!

Assuming that you're still young, it MAY be she has an aversion to sex, in one way or another. However, her willingness to get some lingerie/costumes shows that she's willing to expand her sexual horizons.

If y'all have never been with anyone else, then, let me tell you how I was when I first became sexually active, and was like this for a few years, until I met a certain man that allowed me to comfortably expand MY sexual boundries!

When I first started out, my First, thought that the sex on porn was how it was done. True, he'd had a couple of sexual partners before me, but they were, um, "easy" girls, who were willing to sleep with anyone. Those girls were in it for the tally of how many men they could sleep with/take away from other girls. They had little to no expectations as to the QUALITY of sex. One night, he popped in a porn (I'm still a virgin at this point), and we watched it, and I told him that there was NO WAY IN HELL I was doing all of that!! A few weeks later, we did it, and, he was a big disappointment, for his goal was to not hurt me, but that, sadly, was about it. After several times, it started getting better. But, I've always been pretty assertive in what I want, and what I like.

My 3rd BF (second one isn't really worth mentioning), he was a bit more adventurous. He liked to give and recieve oral, which was scary to me, since he was the first one that I allowed to do so. I was so young and ignorant, that we'd hafta have some toothpaste handy for him and me to dab in our mouths afterwards!!! Yes, really. As our relationship progressed, we lost the toothpaste though.

The man that allowed me a bit more sexual freedom encouraged toy usage, oral, masturbation, and other fun. We did it everywhere, and he made me feel like a Goddess! I really blossomed under his tutaliage! He was wonderfully giving. He was also 5 yrs older, and had more experience than I. I was still a kid when I met him, but when we split, I was most definitely a woman! I grew up and got rid of all those "icky" thoughts about sex!

Ok, all of this means? Well, sex can be scary for those that don't know what they're doing, or what they like. Learning from porn is NOT the way to learn about sex. I'm not sure if y'all watch it, but, there are only a few things to learn from porn. One of which is that sex should be pleasurable for BOTH partners!! Another one is that it's OK to touch yourself (and for the woman to stimulate her clit OFTEN) while having sex/making love with your lover.

Dispelling sex myths is also very important. Women are wired to make their men, and others around them, feel good about themselves, and to not hurt their feelings & egos. So, there may be things that a woman simply gets nothing out of, yet she doesn't want to make her man feel inadequate, so she goes with it. Women need to stop doing this!! Cuz, not only are they doing them a disservice, but their men as well. Men LOVE to please their women! At least the good ones do!

Sex isn't dirty! Sex is not only adult playtime, but it's a way to connect on a deeper level with your lover (for those that are in meaningful relationships). There should be love AND laughter! Why get embarassed at a silly bodily noise that may escape while changing positions? Laugh it off, everyone has done it (and if they deny it, they're lying), it's funny!!!

Getting comfortable with your own body first, allowing yourself to please yourself is also another important part. Touching yourself, exploring, and learning what feels good, then sharing that knowledge with your lover! What greater gift can you give?

I'm not trying to sound patronizing or insulting, but it sounds like you and your wife need a little more time go grow up, sexually. It depends on the person, but it does happen, over time, after you realize "OMG, that DOES feel good, and I'm not going to die of embarassment if I want this!"

Best wishes and good luck to you both!!

[Mike_d]

You hit the nail on the head Tyger, IMO. It just sounds as if you both need to talk about your expectations and desires, away from the bedroom or a sexual situation. Let her know that you are willing to learn what it takes to please her. It is something that you both should do and that intercourse is not always the best part. Sometimes, just being naked with your wife, touching, holding, kissing and so on are just as important and enjoyable.

Porn is not the place to learn about sex. If there are religious reasons she is not comfortable with some things, fine, it's her call. Just make sure that there are clear and defined boundaries and open communication. There should be no reason for you both not to have a fulfilling sex life. She just might be intimidated or scared that her lack of experience might be a huge turn off and she knows you are going to enjoy intercourse.

Did you both take the time to discuss sex as part of the relationship before you were married? Did you talk about it's importance to each of you or your expectations? If you wait for marriage, you should always be open about what you have in mind for your romantic life post nuptuals. The fact, like Tyger said, that she is willing to dress up and so on is a good sign. She is at least willing to go beyond the norm and in time, if you are a loving, caring and supporting person, she just might get over her initial ick factor on some things and surprise you.

My wife and I were the same way when we got married. After about a year and she had a few heart to hearts with her close friends, she became much more open and willing to try new stuff. Now we dang near burn the place down every time we hit the sheets. It's taken time and effort to learn each others hot spots and preferences, but also to just realize that this is something we have reserved for one another and it's something that we do only with one another. So why not "slut it up" for each other. You can be each others fantasy, and fulfill their every desire, so why wouldn't you?

My advice? Go for a sunday drive or a walk and simply ask her about it. Do not be judgemental, or harsh, but ask what you can do to improve and how you can both make sex better for you both. Tell her that you love when she dresses up and that you would find it sexy if she did _____. never make accusations with language like, I just wish you would do X more often or, why don't you do X? That will make her defensive and upset. You might ask her to come here and see if she wants to order a freebie or a economically priced vibe that has good reviews. just something simple might be the key to opening her eyes to a new way of thinking about sex.

Best of luck to you both.

[Mikayla1]

I agree with Mike and Tyger.....I see no need to jump on the counseling train after only 5 months of marriage! My Lord, this is your first time having sex, you just got married, there are adjustments to be made, and things to talk about. I doubt that it is 'an aversion to sex acts' I really think that she doesn't know about things yet. She probably has a very limited knowledge or discussion of sex. So, like the previous posters, I suggest just talking about pleasuring each other as husband and wife. Talk to her about how 'natural' sex is between married people, how the body is an instrument for marital pleasure, tell he what you would like to do to enhance her pleasure and what she can do to enhance yours. It might take a while, but honestly, having sex once a day and her letting you do some things is a great start for a virgin.

Be patient, be kind, be loving and understanding and the rest will follow!

[Mike_d]

amazing, ladies and gentlemen, we have a mind reader on the forum! He knows everyones hidden motives and thoughts! Beware, he might delve into your mind next!!!!!

Howard, that was typical from you.

[jesso]

Howard, that was a bit brash with the limited amount of information this person has supplied about their lives.

I have to say that trying to talk out your problems with each other before having a mediator do it is always a better solution, IMO. Counseling is designed to be an outlet for relearning how to communicate.

Talk to your wife and be open and honest. Honesty in the bedroom can be a hard thing for some people to express and can take time.

[Amylynn920]

I think communication between lovers can sometimes be the hardest thing to do. No one wants to have their wants or thoughts interpreted as dirty or perverted or whatever.

When I was married before to my ex sex was routine and boring. It was really bad sex. Until I was with my new husband I didn't know it was bad. I just felt it could be better, but I learned not to question it or complain. I lost my virginity to my husband. We both did. His upbringing was so much different than mine.

He hated oral sex, anal sex, toys, anything that was not "straight sex" in his words. And I was not supposed to initiate sex.

I learned to not ask anymore for anything different, after being made to feel like I was a freak for wanting something else.

I came from a home where my parents showed affection. His parents despised each other but stayed because it was the right thing to do.

I wished I had counseling at the beginning of my marriage. We spent many years just scraping by in the sex department.

I tried talking to my husband, asking him to read articles that would show that I wasn't being a freak asking for what I wanted, but he wasn't interested.

Have you tried getting her some books Frenchface that might be able to help her? Or maybe you could print out some of the articles here and read them together?

I hope she learns to talk with you and opens up to you. You sound like a wonderful husband and she's lucky that she has you.

[Tyger]

LOL Mike!! Jeez!!

Howard, yes, a lot of the times, shyness with sex is a sign of being repressed in some way, shape or form. However, if you read it carefully, this couple has only been married for about 5 mos, and were virgins when they got married!! NOBODY can just JUMP into sex right off the bat and totally feel comfortable with it!! People take time to learn what they like and are comfortable with....haven't we ALL said this on the forum? Of course we have. There's no need to be a Naysayer, or cause a panic where counselling is her ONLY Option for getting "better" at sex. There has been NO sexual past, and, therefore, NO sexual history to fall back on. Whether or not someone's been abused, well, that wasn't said, so you just can't assume that this freshly de-virgined person should just be all "GO GET 'EM" in the bedroom. Most people don't do it that way.

Now, if they'd been married for 5+ years, with no hope in sight, well, then, yes, definitely something deeper needs to be done. However, her WILLINGNESS to try to "sexify" (new word~made it up, yay me LMAO) herself to make things a bit more exciting shows GREAT progress!! I bet that she never even had a sex talk with her parents! So, she's blossoming, with hope in sight. She's showing a desire to please, and adventuring into unknown realms. Who wouldn't be a bit apprehensive?

Never being a man, well, I don't know how sexually adventurous the "average" male gets. However, being a woman *checks under her shirt and sees The Twins* that, at one time, had started having sex, I know how it is to slowly grow into my own, get comfortable with MY body, as well as trying to learn how a man's body REALLY feels. And, depending on your self-esteem level, these things can take more time.

This couple, IMO, really needs to just start opening up to one another, and listening to verbal cues as to what each other likes. Open, yet fun discussions about sex, maybe perusing this site together, or going to some adult shop, and have FUN with it! I've always had a blast going into those places, seeing some stuff I'd love to try, and then laughing my ass off at some of the things that companies come up with to try to sell!!!

[jesso]

You couldn't have said it better Tyger

[Mikayla1]

I think I have to revist something here. This post has been on my mind, because I see two directly opposing trends of advice here. One is: there is something WRONG and they need HELP. The other is, be patient, but loving, try to teach.

Howard said in response to my suggestion of being patient:

"I think telling this young newlywed that he needs to be patient, and wait it out, and just try to talk to her, is a cruel hoax to play on him. HE IS a victim here. HE IS the guy we should be helping out, and feeling sorry for. NO YOUNG MAN in this day and age should be expected to marry any woman raised in America who still thinks and acts the way his wife is acting. Ignorance is not bliss. "

Victim? I want to know how so? He loves her, he married her, he took vows with her. He wants a better sex life true, but is he a victim? A victim of what? Not getting sex 4 times a day? No handjobs right now? She is not withholding sex from him, she is trying and learning. No one should be expected to marry someone like that? Like what? They were BOTH virgins! They did the rare and respectable thing of waiting until marriage to have sex! There is NOTHING wrong with that at all! Ignorance is not bliss, this is true, but ignorance can be remedied, if you are willing to teach and be patient.

I am reminded of my early years of marriage to my hubby. He was not 'automatically' good at some sex acts. He was timid about anal sex, he didn't really want to get into bondage play, he was respectful, loving and attentive but he had his limits. I was patient, taught him things, coaxed him gently into things and respected that there were some things he was not comfortable with. IF I had said, "gee, I don't deserve to be married to a man who won't fuck me up the ass, we need counseling!" I probably would be divorced now and not have the wonderful marriage that I do to this wonderful man who pleases me in every way possible!

No one is saying that counseling is bad - no one is suggesting that they might not need it. We are juut saying to slow down, breathe and think about this logically! Marriage is work - sometimes hard work. So is loving someone. She is new to sex - so is he - and there is stuff to learn. I highly doubt even HOWARD came out of the womb a sex god, or that his first partner was blown away by "how great he was" in bed. We all have to learn sex just like any other skill - so let us give her some time to learn. It will come, and if it doesn't counseling will still be there when they have been married for 10 months!

[frenchface]

I would like to say that I am defently not a victim. Also my wife does not view sex only as procreation, if she did then we would only have sex when she was fertile and we would not use birth control. Also we do use a few toys while having sex. I want to thank everyone for posting their thoughts

[pappyld04]

I did not read all the posts here before responding so forgive me if I repeat what others have said. I think maybe a sex therapist may be a good way to go here. Your wife appears to be willing to do something to change her views on sex. That is a great place to start. There must be something that we cannot begin to understand without her view on the subject that is due to her upbringing. Only open and honest communication can begin to make things better but furthermore a therapist who has a good grasp on the matters will do even more than the two of you can do on your own. Just so you know I have never been an advocate for therapists so for me to say this is saying a lot. I really feel that a good reputable therapist could do wonders for your relationship and your marriage. These are two different things in my own point-of-view. Even if you just get your partner to view this site with you it is another plus for the both of you!! I wish you both the best!!!!