Another Person In Need Of Help...

[totallyawesomealex]

first of all, hello to everyone. and thank you for keeping this site alive with fresh new ideas, tricks, and other valuable information.

now to the question.

my fiancee flat out says no to swallowing AND to facials. she thinks its degrading. i dont see it as a degrading act whatsoever... more like proof of love and commitment. however, she isn't a prude as im welcome to the rest of her body when its time. sadly, the one thing i cant have, is what i want. dont get me wrong, cumming on her chest is a thrill... but i just need "more." i dont get it as i let her do WHATEVER she wants to me. sex, for me, is all about giving her the best possible orgasm. is there any way to get her to even at least try a facial/swallow just once? or should i just write off that fantasy?

[Mikayla1]

Hello and WELCOME!

OK, well, this answer is probably going to sound a little wishy-washy, but try to follow me...

I am a FIRM believer in doing what your lover wants - indulging in activities that are not outside your comfort zone - as long as they are willing to do it for you as well. Now, I am also a FIRM believer that women should swallow. This debate has been going on a long, long, long time on this site -including why and why not and so forth. I believe (MY OPINION) is that if a man is willing to swallow my juices, I should readily swallow his. Period.

Along with what I said earlier, about things outside of the comfort zone, for some women, facials are definitely outside of the comfort zone. I do not understand this - it doesn't 'hurt' and it is only degrading because porn has made it thus. I am in agreement with you that this is an act of love and committment - and that there is a thrill in it. I will admit, I am not a huge fan of the facial - but when my hubby wants to do it, I am all about it. Why? He likes it and tries hard to please me, therefore I try hard to please him.

Your fiancee not swallowing is, well, in my opinion a bit selfish! I think she should at least try to indulge you. For the facial - I also think, 'what the harm' in trying. She obviously has other feelings regarding it.

So, what do you do? Tell her why you want her to try these things. Have her read my article on deepthroating and swallowing. Tell her you love her and FOR YOU this is something that is a thrill and a fantasy and you are open to trying things SHE likes. There really is no way to force her to do these things if you want to keep the relationship on good standing, so I suggest just being honest and trying to talk to her about it.

Hopefully, she will indulge you out of her love for you. If she doesn't, you will obviously have to decide how important these two things are to you - cause honey, marriage isn't going to guarantee she will change her mind!

[totallyawesomealex]

If worst comes to worst, Im sure i can think of new fantasies that are more doable lol.

But definitely. I sent her the link to your article about dt, and she said she would try that... but not swallowing or a facial. she can get confusing sometimes lol. do you think i should stop swallowing for her because she won't do it for me, or would that just be mean and spiteful?

[Amylynn920]

I don't find facials or swallowing degrading. I'm curious where she is getting these ideas, and why she would even care what the standards of others are.

Should you stop swallowing with her because she won't with you? Honestly, yeah. Because in my mind it's reciprocal. If there's something one partner wants and the other obliges, it's a two way street. If she doesn't care that you don't swallow, you stopping is not going to get her to start with you.

Maybe she needs to come here on the forums and read.

I also agree with respecting and honoring feelings. I also agree with pleasing your partner. What you are asking her to do won't hurt her, so I don't see any reason why she can't do this for you.

[pappyld04]

I can see your desire for facial and all but I think in terms of commitment it should be an enjoyable experience for both of you. I am in my 40's and have had many lovers but the girl I am with is the first that enjoys this. Your girl may be thinking of it as a dog marking it's territory and is not willing to enjoy it. Her opinion is not likely to change so you may need to conjure up a fresh idea or three.

[Tyger]

I think one key thing that hasn't been asked is:

Has your wife EVER done this before? With you? If so, and she learned that she didn't like it, then you have to respect that. It's always nice to try new things. Each person should be willing to try new things for/with their lovers. However, if they've tried it, and have found out they don't like it, then that really needs to be respected.

Best wishes.

[totallyawesomealex]

No, she has not swallowed or done a facial with anyone else, I'm her first REAL sexual partner.

[totallyawesomealex]

double post due to all the great ideas... hahaha

Let me back up Mikayla's advice here. She is almost 100% correct. I believe she is being a bit optimistic about what marriage does to a relationship. If anything, Marriage is the end of many sex practices you enjoyed before marriage! I wish I had a dollar for every man who told me that his GF gave him blow jobs- and spit-- before marriage, and as soon as the " I-dos " were said, Blow jobs joined the long list of " Disgusting things " she would no longer do!

Just a question out of curiousity, Have you kissed her after swallowing some of her cum( but not all) so that you shared some of her cum with her? Have you gone down on her to eat her pussy after your first orgasm or 3, and then kissed her again, so that she can't help but taste some of her own cum and yours as well? Have you tasted your own cum, either by scooping some up off her chest, or by eating your cum as it comes out her pussy after your first orgasm(s)??

If she is into the " ICKY-POOH" Deal about kissing after you give her oral sex, this problem seems to be based on her being rather anal compulsive about cum, and bodily fluids.

I gather she does not suck your cock back to a second erection after you have cum, either. You are entitled to have as many orgasms as you want, and at your age, you certainly should be good for a couple in a row. She is capable of surpassing you in the orgasm count by a factor of 100 to one, and you should be thrilled to help her have as many orgasms as she wants, both during foreplay( oral, manual, toys) and during Sexual Intercourse. This is where Sexual Equality should come into play, literally. Since there is absolutely no way for you to give her oral sex without tasting and swallowing her juices, why should she not taste and swallow yours?

You didn't mention it, so I assume, also, that she considers Anal Sex a totally taboo subject, even to not even liking you to touch her rosebud with a wet tongue. How sad. I have personally introduced several lovers to these thrills, and they have all been pleasantly surprised.

I don't think your GF is unusual for women her age. Young women, like young men, get most of their " Standards of Sexual Behavior " from other young women( or men) their age. Young women seem to be forever concerned about defining the difference between themselves and the behavior of women they consider to be " sluts ". ( That seems to be the current over-used term these days.) Swallowing cum and liking it seems to be one of their benchmarks, as it was in their mother's time. Anal sex has almost always been something that " nice girls " never do!

I have a big clue for her, that you can, and should pass on to her:

Nice girls do swallow cum, and like it, and they also do anal sex and like it, too!

Nice girls pleasure their lovers, and don't give a hoot what other women think. Nice men pleasure their lovers, and don't give a hoot about what other men think. Its called, " Growing up!"

Adult Sexual behavior is about Playing with your lover, and pleasuring him/her. Its about putting your own ideas about sex secondary to those of your lover, within reasonable bounds, so that you can maximize the pleasure your lover receives from you. You do things to pleasure your lover because you love him/her, not because its something you particularly love to do yourself. In time, you find out that the things most worth doing are those that pleasure your lover, and that is sufficient for you to like doing them, too.

Just as there is a difference between " fucking " and " Making Love", there is a difference between pleasing and pleasuring a lover. There is nothing wrong with doing both, when the occasion calls for it. A " Quickie " between lovers, however, is a lot different, than the physical scratching of a personal itch by taking on a total stranger just to have sex. In fact, quickies are best between experienced lovers, because while time and circumstance may require a fast " fuck ", they both know how to turn each other on, how to relax, and how to share their orgasms under those circumstances. Quickies for couples tides them over until they have the time, and the privacy to get more comfortable to really play with each other, and " Make love ".

What are the bounds? For most people inflicting physical wounds, or causing severe pain is out of bounds. Most people are not going to be into swallowing urine or feces, while in other cultures, those are accepted practices. Beastiality is out. Group sex is difficult for most couples, simply because love making, as opposed to fucking, is something to be shared in private. The presence of other people is a true distraction. There are other dangerous sex techniques that can threaten life, such as strangulation , using tight gags that prevent the sub to verbal communicate a " stop " command, because (s)he is choking, perhaps over something her body is trying to vomit. There are certain actions which can accidentally cause the diaphragm to lock up and stop breathing, that lead to death unless something is done to unlock the diaphragm. In medical parlance, its referred to as a " sexual misadventure. " I should say so! So those are usually some very easy boundaries couples can agree on, That don't interfere much with enjoying a wide range of sexual activity.

Best wishes.

Howard

The second erection thing was something I haven't even thought of, but sounds amazing! good advice all the way around. i have to admit that i have been reading your advice for a while now howard and it feels crazy to actually have you give me some hahaha. yea, and im going to try to, like you said, get her more comfortable with bodily fluids, i.e. kiss her after i eat her out, kiss her after she sucks me off, finish sex with oral for both of us... well damn. im really excited now hahaha

throughout the whole time when were getting sexual, i was under the mindset that 'if i give her a good enough orgasm she'll do anything i want!'

thank you aiden for your thoughts, i think "I'm curious where she is getting these ideas, and why she would even care what the standards of others are." will be enough for her to do it.

[Amylynn920]

im going to try to, like you said, get her more comfortable with bodily fluids, i.e. kiss her after i eat her out, kiss her after she sucks me off, finish sex with oral for both of us... well damn. im really excited now hahaha

throughout the whole time when were getting sexual, i was under the mindset that 'if i give her a good enough orgasm she'll do anything i want!'

thank you aiden for your thoughts, i think "I'm curious where she is getting these ideas, and why she would even care what the standards of others are." will be enough for her to do it.

You're welcome for my thoughts

Actually if you do give her an orgasm she will love you for it, but it may not get you want you want if she really is of the mindset that it's degrading.

I also think that oral after sex may get her more comfortable with bodily fluids. I look at it as I love my husband. All of him. His mind, spirit, body and fluids. It's a package.

If he comes on my face I'm not degraded, I kind of look at is as he just had a mindblowing orgasm and this action made it great for him. Is it pornographic? It can be, but our personal sex sometimes is.

I hope it works out for you. I wouldn't stop doing oral to her. We women LOVE oral. We love it more than sex at times and when you find a man that loves giving it, well we'll worship you . But if she loves the fact that you swallow her fluids and she won't swallow yours, just continue the oral but don't make it a point to swallow. If that makes sense at all. Fair is fair.

[totallyawesomealex]

i guess what im going to have to do is give her the greatest quality AND quantity of oral lovin' so that she's paralyzed from the waist down hahaha. jk

i give it all a try and let you all know how it goes down hehehe

[Tyger]

OK, well, as far as her thoughts and feelings, she really should be willing to try new stuff, BUT, since you're her first sexual partner, then she will be doing a lot of growing sexually before she may be comfortable in doing things like that. This is where time and a willingness to teach, be patient, and have her teach you how to please HER, becomes sooooooo important! She is a blank slate when it comes to pleasuring someone fully. There may be some obstacles to overcum (LOL), but patience is important. Also, complimenting what she DOES do well, and when she tries something new is very important.

I'm assuming that you've had at least one other lover, so you have some experience that she may be unaware of. Not that I'm saying that you should be comparing her to your other lover(s) to her out loud, cuz that would be a big no-no (unless she asks what has been done to you in the past, and to explain how it was done, anything else may be a bit too personal to share & make her feel inadequate.).

Seeing a facial shot, or seeing a woman swallow cum on a porn may make it seem degrading to those women that have never done such a thing. It's not like "normal" women (usually) chew on it, allow it to ooze out their mouths, and spit it all over the place. Well, at least I haven't. LOL To me, that's gross. But, that's me. But, when I see it on a DVD/movie, I really think that it's not an overly attractive or flattering thing. But I also realize that porns are generally geared towards men, and that men are visual creatures (they get turned on by what they SEE), hence the cum play and close-ups such as they are. So, if she's seen that, there's not wonder that she feels that way.

There definitely will be hurdles to overcome when teaching someone pleasure, but, again be patient, understanding, and don't push too hard. You want her to feel comfortable with you, not forced into doing something and regretting it later on. That always leaves a bad taste in anyone's mouth.

[pappyld04]

After reading Howard's #13 post I wonder if maybe a "hooker fantasy" thing may do you some good to loosen the inhibitions. Don't try it from jump street though she would really have to be brought into this way of seeing it. Some women, very much unlike Tyger and Mikayla and a few others here, do not get it when they say that men are visual rather than emotional. Have you discussed with her the reasons behind her refusal? I saw that you are both young but please open your communication whenever possible and you will not regret it! Good luck.

[Amylynn920]

No, she has not swallowed or done a facial with anyone else, I'm her first REAL sexual partner.

Then her only reasons not to are from what she's understood about women that do.

And she needs to understand that *good* girls do swallow, and do alot of things that they were led to believe were dirty.

Standards don't belong in the bedroom. They belong to small minded groups of people that want to set the limits on what consenting adults find erotic and arousing.

You and she are the only two in the bedroom. What boundaries you set are your own.

I think whatever two consenting adults agree on is good, there are no bads. It's all about the two of you.

And yes, if you give her mind blowing oral she will probably erect a statue to you and will probably be willing to do pretty much anything that you'd like in return. My only pointers on it is let her dictate when enough is enough, there is nothing more frustrating and nothing more that will upset her is if you're a three second licker. Let her find where she needs to be with it. And reciprocate it. If she is willing to spend as much time as you need giving you mind blowing oral and you don't return the favor don't be surprised if when you're expecting it that she stops doing it. It's reciprocal.

Good luck though, I hope it all goes well for you.

[Amylynn920]

After reading Howard's #13 post I wonder if maybe a "hooker fantasy" thing may do you some good to loosen the inhibitions. Don't try it from jump street though she would really have to be brought into this way of seeing it. Some women, very much unlike Tyger and Mikayla and a few others here, do not get it when they say that men are visual rather than emotional. Have you discussed with her the reasons behind her refusal? I saw that you are both young but please open your communication whenever possible and you will not regret it! Good luck.

I think most men are visual, there's nothing wrong with that. Some of us women are too.

[pappyld04]

I think most men are visual, there's nothing wrong with that. Some of us women are too.

Oh please do not take my words the wrong way there. I LOVE, REPEAT LOVE a visual woman. They are just few and and far between. My gf is VERY MUCH on the visual. She loves to watch as much, if not more, than I do. That, IMHO, is saying something. I don't want anyone thinking that I would group all women in any particular way.

[Amylynn920]

Oh please do not take my words the wrong way there. I LOVE, REPEAT LOVE a visual woman. They are just few and and far between. My gf is VERY MUCH on the visual. She loves to watch as much, if not more, than I do. That, IMHO, is saying something. I don't want anyone thinking that I would group all women in any particular way.

No worries, I didn't take it that way