Need Comments From My Friends Here...

[telecom69]

My girlfriend went to her second sex therapist vist by herself this time. It was a couple of days before she said anything to me about the visit and I just waited until

she was readly to talk about it. Well, it did not go so well.

Here is more background about me that has some influence on the way my gf see things. I'm a single father who has an 18 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son living with me. My 18 yr old daughter has had major drug abuse problems in the past, but has been clean for four months now. My 15 yr was getting into a lot of trouble, so between trying to keep my two kinds in line, working, dealing with my gf's issues, etc, I have my hands full most of the time. I typically get to see my gf maybe once during the week, and we're together from Sat afternoon until I come home Sun night. We live about 35 miles apart. My gf has never had kids, so doesn't understand a lot of things I do and why, but supports me very much. My gf brought up these issues to the therapist and the fact that she said she sometimes feels like my "mistress" since we don't get to see each other more. I was really hurt to hear her put it like that. Anyway, the therapist basically told her that she is having weekend flings and has options if she doesn't like it. She can totally cut off the relationship, see other guys along with me, or move back to where she used to live. I think some other things were probably discussed to, but she won't say. She now does not want to go to the therapist any longer. I am dissapointed with that, as I don't know what to do now.

While having sex on Sun morning (first time in two weeks), she was sitting on top of me while I was playing with her clit. She really seemed to be enjoying it with some moans and facials that expressed that very well. She even said "cunt" a couple of times which she has never said. My penis momentarily slips out, and as I'm about to put it back in (and I had to take my hand off her clit) she says "no don't, the feeling is gone now" and wanted to stop. I said we don't have to do it this way. I will be glad to use my hands, tounge or whatever she likes. She just says "no don't worry about it". She then goes into the line "I feel bad now because I'm letting you down". Once her "feeling" goes away, thats it. She isn't up for maybe waiting a few mins and then trying something else. I'll do anything to her or for her she wants. I am so confused with this behavior. Of course my erection drops like a rock. I then tell her why does she think the feeling goes away and try to talk more about it, but she feels like I'm analyzing her and she said she always feels on "edge" when having sex and that she would just like to go with the flow. She then gets pretty quiet and tells me we're not sexually compatible, and we'll talk and hold each other and then get up. I love this woman so much and I know she does me. I never press sex on her or do things she may not want to do. I'm slow with foreplay, tender, romantic, and want her to feel good. I don't want her to feel good out of some macho thing on my part, I just want her to experience these things people who love each other are supposed to experience and because I adore her.

I just got this from her to... "I wish you were here with me, snuggled up close, and watching worthless stuff on the TV. Then we would crawl into bed around 9:30, cuddle even closer, make out (heavily), and talk about any and everything. I love you!"

Thx for letting me vent, because I'm one confused dude.

What the fuck am I doing wrong???????

Telecom

[Mikayla1]

My gf brought up these issues to the therapist and the fact that she said she sometimes feels like my "mistress" since we don't get to see each other more. I was really hurt to hear her put it like that. Anyway, the therapist basically told her that she is having weekend flings and has options if she doesn't like it. She can totally cut off the relationship, see other guys along with me, or move back to where she used to live. I think some other things were probably discussed to, but she won't say. She now does not want to go to the therapist any longer. I am dissapointed with that, as I don't know what to do now.

Ok, first....I see where your girlfriend can make the analogy between the mistress thing and not seeing you much, but it is obviously an incorrect analogy and that therapist should have corrected her on it. This therapist doesn't sound like he/she is worth a damn if she (for the sake of ease) is suggesting your gf end a relationship because you are a good dad. So, either the therapist DID correct her on it, and your gf still wanted to bring this up anyway to make you feel bad (people do lie) OR this therapist sucks. Either way, it is not a good situation.

I think your gf wants to spend more time with you, and what is wrong with that? Can you work it out? If you love her and she loves you, can you move in together? Perhaps she is waiting for that. Perhaps many of her issues are insecurities surfacing because she feels second to your children - which she should be - but maybe she wants to be included more.

As for the sex and the loss of feeling thing. As long as she feels like a "mistress" and not your lover, equal in all sexual things and all things general with you, this will never change. It will never matter how much you love her, how much you tell her you love her, how many orgasms you try to give her, until SHE realizes that SHE is worth feeling good about, then it will not change. She has to get past the mental block that she is just a "weekend fling" with you, and then maybe things will get better. She thinks she is not good enough for you, her comments constantly indicate that. She always feels like she is "letting you down" and you always correct her, but she can't hear that. I suspect she feels like a failure in most things in life and sex is just another big thing.

Your girlfriend requires a lot of reassurance. She has a mind block that is so strong she can't enjoy sex. If she was enjoying you playing with her clit BELIEVE ME SHE WOULD BEG YOU TO CONTINUE! She wouldn't care if your cock came out for a second, she would say, "get that sucker back in there and keep playing with my clit!" That is a normal response, not "oh the feeling is gone." So either, a) she is faking the feeling, or she just is NOT into sex or c) she doesn't think she deserves to feel good during sex. Any of those options spell disaster for you dude!

I am sorry to be so harsh, I know you love her, and boy have you been putting forth the effort, but things have slowly been triggering alarm bells in my mind. This woman has more than issues, she has a block, and a block that she seems unwilling to knock down!

So, now you have to decide once again, how important is sex to you? You keep writing in and asking, but you are not ending your relationship with the woman you admit to having bad sex with. Do you love her enough to marry her and have bad sex forever or take a chance it will get better?

Or, do you want to find someone with less hassels and a more stable mind who can say, "put that cock back in my pussy" when it falls out so that you are not left hanging....again.....everytime?

the choice would eventually become clear for me!

I hope this wasn't too hard for you to hear, but I suggest some serious ultamatums are in order.

Good Luck!

Mikayla

[telecom69]

i have to agree with Mikayla. You can't tell what went on with the therapist, because you weren't there. Unless you call or see the therapist and give that person the feedback you received from your gf, and then ask what the therapist actually told her, and then, only if the therapist would be willing to disclose her conversations with your gf, you will never know. I do get a strange feeling that the gf is not telling all, and the real reason she does not want to see the therapist again is because the therapist told her either she was wrong to be treating you as badly as she has,or she was at fault for the disfunctional relationship, and not you.

If you were making love to a normal woman, who was riding your cock, while you played with her clit, and your cock slipped out, she would grab your cock and put it back in, and not wait to tell you to do it for her! A normal woman, who say, " Damn!", or "Fuck", as she grabbed your cock and put it back in her pussy, and then laugh a little at her own desperation! Your gf's reaction was so far beyond the pale of ordinary human response, that I think Mikayla has hit it on the head. She really doesn't like sex. The Bad Sex Mikayla is predicting should be read by you as " NO SEX". You gf sounds very infantile, and is looking for a " Daddy" to cuddle and hold her. She is immature, and definitely doesn't want to grow up! That is also the reason she doesn't really want to be around your kids, or understand the problems you are having raising them. And, she can't help you there. In her mind, the kids are competition for your affection.

I have told you before to RUN away from this woman, but you persist. Others have told you to try therapy, and you now know she doesn't want anyone telling her how crazy she is. That is the norm for crazy people! Please, Run, don't walk, as fast and as far away from this woman as you can get. Since you live 35 miles away from her, thank your lucky stars. Find someone normal. You are making yourself insane trying to accomodate this nut!

No personal offense is taken Howard and Mikayla. I appreciate your honesty and comments. I know what I have to do. Merry XMAS all!

Telecom

[Mikayla1]

I don't want to be nosey, but I am curious...what is it that you are going to do? You did ask for our opinions, and I am wondering, are you going to take any of our advice? Just curious!

Happy Holidays to you too!

Mikayla

[curvacious_lust]

From this post, it seems like your girlfriend is a very co-dependent sort of person, needing to be told how, where, what to feel and if thats what she is looking for from her therapist, then its not going to work. The therapist gave her choices not a single solitary answer to the issues in your relationship. Is your g/f the sort of person who has to be "taken by the hand" in everything you two do together?? I know how the situation with kids goes. I was a divorced mother of 1 for a time and yes, kids DO take first priority.

Sorry if I"m not totally coherent right now. Had a family tragedy and I'm not quite "with it" and won't be for a while.

Good luck. I sincerly feel the emotions you're having and it isn't easy.

CL~~

[telecom69]

Mikayla,

There is no such thing as nosey on this forum, so that's cool. I'm going to ask her some very tough questions about her sexual issues and that if she doesn't want help, our relationship will not last. I'm going to be very frank. I know what she'll say already. "You're to good for me, I can't change overnight, you need to think of yourself now". I will be taking the advice given here.

Howard, you must be a lawyer? Love your response. I'm an engineer by trade and probably tend to anaylze things to much.

Telecom

[sexysandra]

well i agree with Howard. If my lovers cock slips out, I'm getting in back in before he can think about it!!!

Youv'e brought up something very significant regarding the kids and her reaction to them. I, as a mother understand that children come first. I also know taht they take a lot of time and energy.

Someone who doesn't have children will not understand a lot of things that a parent goes through on a daily basis. And with her immaturity in other areas, this definately sounds like a problem for you guys.

I think that you are concerned about your imcompatibility in the sack. But I'm beginning to see that the problem is much more fundamental than that.....

I think the sex is just a symptom of what is really going on.

sexy

[crazy1]

I think Sandra is right. The sex issues are just a symptom of what is really happening. I have tried to help out on all of this for some time and I can relate to Telecoms feelings of frustration. I think if you are going to ask her about what is going on, you need to dig deeper than "why is the sex so bad". She needs to come clean about how she feels about your kids, the drugs, where or if she sees your relationship in six months ect. I Despise passive-aggresive tactics and that is all she is using. I think that she knows how the bad sex is affecting you and trying to use it to drive a wedge in between you. Some people just like to be miserable and now, she can say, the sex was bad so he left. She needs more help than a sex-therapist, Howard is right on that note. I think there is much more than meets the eye on this one.

Crazy

[telecom69]

I think Sandra is right. The sex issues are just a symptom of what is really happening. I have tried to help out on all of this for some time and I can relate to Telecoms feelings of frustration. I think if you are going to ask her about what is going on, you need to dig deeper than "why is the sex so bad". She needs to come clean about how she feels about your kids, the drugs, where or if she sees your relationship in six months ect. I Despise passive-aggresive tactics and that is all she is using. I think that she knows how the bad sex is affecting you and trying to use it to drive a wedge in between you. Some people just like to be miserable and now, she can say, the sex was bad so he left. She needs more help than a sex-therapist, Howard is right on that note. I think there is much more than meets the eye on this one.

Crazy

My gf told me the therapist said me and her needed to attend a three hour intensive session with her partner therapist this Sat, and she wanted freaking $700! She said she was really putting a sales job on her to attend.

I talked to her VERY frank last night and to the point with no bullshit. I told her if she can't work out her issues about her self image, provide some feedback while having sex, understand my kids, etc, then our relationship is OVER and DONE. I don't expect this to happen in a week, but if I don't see her trying, then I'm not putting anymore effort into the relationship and I'm moving on. I have never talked to her like this before and she was shocked, but did listen and agree.

The patience and nurturing over the last ten months hasn't worked, so maybe this ultimatum will.