Help Needed "sexpert"

[crossroads123]

Alright "Sexpert" I've got a question for you and I really need an answer or as many responses as I can get. Thank you in advance.

My wife, who was one of the best lovers of my life, walked out of my life 5 days ago, the LONGEST 5 days in my life, and has absolutely No intention of returning. I still have no reason why she did this, especially why she left while I was away from home( my job requires me too travel). But now to the Question. I have been masturbating at least twice a day since she left. I had not "jacked off" during the time we where together but now I can't seem to stop. I don't understand it at all. I don't "do it" looking at her photo or anything like that usually to the i-net. I just don't understand. I should add I had to take the week off to take care of my business affairs including seeing my attorney and take care of my adult daughter who lives with me, this leaves me with alot of "free, unbusy time" to grieve or MISS her. I am still so much in love with her.

I think that's the jest of the story. I don't understand this desire/need to maturbate like I am. Please any help advice would be appreciated. By the way don't advise me to talk to a friend most of them left when I married her. Thank you again for your help in advance. Oh by the way I'm from the "old skool" and was taught that masturbation is sinning and wrong, I'm sorry I always feel "condemned" afterwards, but it has'nt stopped me. HELP

[Amylynn920]

I think it's stress relief too, and nothing wrong with that. As far as thoughts that masturbation is a sin, I look at it as if the Creator didn't want you doing it he wouldn't have made our hands able to reach. Good luck with everything Chuck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Mikayla1]

You have gotten some very, very good advice! You mention that you had not 'jacked off' when you were together - why not? Did SHE tell you it was wrong to? Statistically speaking, most men in happy, contented sexual relationships (i.e. ones getting enough sex) masturbate, so do men who are not getting enough sex, so do single men. I find it odd that you say you didn't masturbate. Did you think if you were married, you should save it all for her?

This could be a sort of 'break out' of your own. She left you, and you are going to have sexual release even when she is gone. Searching the internet for inspiration is a sort of 'bachelor' type of behavior, even though married men do this too, of course. I think you are subconsciously making a break from her, exerting some freedom, relieving some stress....it is all natural and healthy.

If I may ask, did she leave a note? Did she give ANY reasons why she did this? For a person to leave, sneak away when her husband is out of town suggests a bit of calculation as well as shame. Was she perhaps having an affair? Finding the answers to that may help you to adjust.

[crossroads123]

Ditto what Nymph says about self-stim...it's likely the stress...but could also be deeper issues (emphasis on could). You say that you do not know why she left...perhaps your not knowing is part of the reason she left...it is tough for me to understand that you saw absolutely no signs of difficulties in your relationship...if this is true, then you should go and seek out a pot-divorce counselor to figure out why you missed these signs, so that you do not repeat this in the next relationship...you do not give nearly enough information about the dynamics or history of relationship with her for us to be of much help, and it is also likely that it would be more appropriate for you to see a counselor...be brave and go...by the way, you might want to choose a female counselor

We had been together for about a year and had alot of trouble during that year mainly due to past baggage from failed relationships. We had began seeing a counselor (female) in Nov. which I thought was helping us. I thought from all indications we were working on our problems. I had left home on Sunday morning early, my job is transportation and requires me to be away from home for days at a time, this was the first time I was gone all week. We had not been fighting or anything she was sleeping but did hug me and kiss me before I left we exchanged "I love you's."

The week progressed and we talked as normal exchanging love you miss you as always all going as well as being apart can be. I finished the week with a 1,000 mile drive ahead of me. She called me at 6am and told me she had been doing alot of thinking that week and "she" had decided we were not going to make it and would be gone when I got home. I tried to talk with asking her to wait until I got home to discuss this, but said no and hung up.

I tried to call her several times on her cell phone but she would'nt answer. I called the home phone and finally got my adult daughter wake who said she had left. She then began to tell me the she had began packing her stuff the first of the week and had her son move her out on Thursday night. She had sleep at our home called me and dressed and left.

I don't understand why she left me the way she did and has called me stating she is NOT coming back and wants a divorce!!! I feel soooooooooooooo betrayed and hurt. I had a previous wife who left me basically the same way years ago so this brings back all that hurt too. She had always promised me she would never do that to me- another lie!!!!

Yes I still love her sooooooo much, but I'm a realist and I know it's over NOT WHAT I WANT. I don't understand why the way she did it and why hurt me so much without even a chance to work things out. Sorry for taking so much space and time.

[crossroads123]

You have gotten some very, very good advice! You mention that you had not 'jacked off' when you were together - why not? Did SHE tell you it was wrong to? Statistically speaking, most men in happy, contented sexual relationships (i.e. ones getting enough sex) masturbate, so do men who are not getting enough sex, so do single men. I find it odd that you say you didn't masturbate. Did you think if you were married, you should save it all for her?

This could be a sort of 'break out' of your own. She left you, and you are going to have sexual release even when she is gone. Searching the internet for inspiration is a sort of 'bachelor' type of behavior, even though married men do this too, of course. I think you are subconsciously making a break from her, exerting some freedom, relieving some stress....it is all natural and healthy.

If I may ask, did she leave a note? Did she give ANY reasons why she did this? For a person to leave, sneak away when her husband is out of town suggests a bit of calculation as well as shame. Was she perhaps having an affair? Finding the answers to that may help you to adjust.

I never needed to masturbate while we were together we keep each other satisfied sexualy including masturbation. I just did feel the need.

She left me an email and I don't think she was in an affair. Been wrong before tho.

[Zildjian]

heya chuck, just my $0.02 here, and maybe this is the same as stress relief, but you are likely feeling depressed and masturbation 1) feels GOOD when the rest of the stuff in your life feels bad 2) provides some form of escape from your reality.

And our bodies were MADE to experience this pleasure, whether alone or with someone else. Celebrate this pleasure, you deserve to feel good.

[ToyQueen]

A lot of my friends disappeared when I married my second husband. But, amazingly, as soon as he left, those friends were among the first, and best, supporters I had. So your friends may still be around for you. What I discovered is that these friends could see the parts of him that I couldn't.

As far as masturbating, I was also raised that it was wrong and that I would go to Hell. Obviously, that hasn't stopped me. I stopped feeling guilty for it a long time ago. I don't believe that something that makes us feel that good can be evil.

Please know that you have friends here. We care, and will listen.

[Desires08]

Chuck,

First of all, I feel your pain in your words. I left my ex husband that way. Perhaps her reason is this:

Perhaps (and I stress that word perhaps) she felt numbed. Like maybe she had given all that she could give and that there was simply nothing left and she didn't want to tell you face to face because she feels guilty or because she still has feelings that she doesn't have to face as long as she doesn't have to face you. Maybe she loves you but she's just not in love with you anymore. If she has wronged you, I assure you I am a strong believer in Karma and what goes around comes around. Laugh now, cry later right? So be strong. Hold your head up. IF she was having an affair, darling don't take it personal. People do things like that for reasons such as low self esteem, Or they're gonna do it so I'll do it first, and for some, it simply a power trip. Know this, What goes up must come down. Maybe you're down right now, but you won't be forever. I am in a similar situation as yourself and if you ever need or want to talk feel free to PM me. As for the masturbation. It's normal. God created us in his own image and he did say be fruitful and multiply right? So it is normal. It is not a sin. I have read the bible and studied it viciously at times as my father was a pastor for many years. Nowhere in the bible does it say, do not masturbate. Put it this way. If it were a sin, we'd all be in hell. And my opinion is this. Being that you never did it before when she was there. Perhaps there is a part of you that says, "she's gone, who is going to meet those needs now?". Everybody feels lonely sometime I don't care who you are. Divorce is very hard. And I too understand completely about the thing with your friends. So what ya gotta do is spend some time on you. Take a night and go out somewhere. Who knows you could have the time of your life. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over what you did or didn't do. The point is, you tried. You gave it your all and darling, that is all we can give. Staying busy is smart. But at the same time, don't stay so busy that you completely avoid the issues that bother you about this. It's easier to talk to strangers, and people that you never have to face. That's another great thing about Too Timid. There truly are wonderful, caring, concerned people here and you know they're pretty great to talk to about anything, especially SEX! lol. You'll be okay. If your wife wants to go....then all I can say is this:

Love is like a dove;

If you love them enough-set them free.

If they return, they're yours to keep....

And if they don't....

They never were.

It's hard to let go of those we love. I know that first hand. But everyday, you'll get a little bit stronger. And someday, you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing on your mind.

There's an old song by Pam Tillis I have grown to love. It's called Let that Pony Run. It says:

"You do what you gotta do, and you know what you know;

You hang on till you can't hang on

And then you learn to let go.

You get what you need sometimes

but when it's all said and done

You hang on till you can't hang on

And then you let that pony run"

Take care and good luck,

Regards

D-08