Jelous Sister

[zxandyr'smommy]

I went to Illinois last week to visit with family over easter and while talking to a sorta cousin of mine (who babysits my neice and nefew) i found out that in the six months i've been in wyoming my sister and brother-in-law have been talking shit about me and my future hubby to her. Growing up my sister has always been the favored one and i used to try to be just like her or better than her. first it was cars, then guys, then parenting. Nothing i seemed to do worked i would never be good enough for my family as long as my sister was there. I finally just gave up trying. i admitted defeat and went on with my life. Now I have a great man who has given me the cutest little boy a great house and financial freedom ( almost). about a month ago, we bought a new car, 2004 midnight blue jeep, as my little 2 door sunbird was on its last breath. All i was thinking about was the safety of my son and family. Now my sister is telling everyone that we got it to make her jelous, and we cant save our money because we are always blowing it on stupid things that we don't need, even though all our bills are geting paid and we can take care of our children while she is three months atleast behind on rent and probably more bills. Now she is talking about trying to buy a house that they can't afford. Is she trying to show me up? I know it sounds like my whole life is a competition, and in a way it probably is. we have spent our whole lives trying to prove to our grandfather that we don't need him or his money to survive and i have finally accomplished that but in my book she is taking it too far. Am i over reacting? she has two children whom i love dearly and i think they are being hurt by my sister's over spending. I may be only 20 years old but when i got pregnant i Forced my self to grow up to an extent so i could properly raise my son. In my book she is being childish...How do i talk to her about all of this. she will just deny it all and it will force us apart again. I don't want to loose my neice and nephew over her jelousy. Any suggestions on how to keep the family together? thanks for letting me vent.

[Tyger]

I know what you're going thru, I have 2 sisters (one is 7 yrs older, one 11 yrs younger), and a step-sister that is only 9 mos. younger than I am. I had more sibling rivalry with the step sister, since the other 2 are pretty much a whole generation apart from me. We fought like cats and dogs. I was the "good" sister. I tried hard NOT to compete with her, and, when her biological mother (my step-mother) compared us, verbally, to her daughter's face, I thoroughly discouraged that behavior. Unfortunately, it's common for parents to compare the kids, and not realize the damage and competitive nature between the siblings.

I'm not sure how much of an age difference there is between the 2 of you, and you're still fairly young. You say that you've let all of the "competition" go, but it really doesn't sound like it.

There are 2 ways to handle this:

1. You can tell your sister that you do NOT appreciate her talking negatively about you, and that you would appreciate that if she has any comments or questions, to direct them to YOU, no matter if they're good or bad...period! Tell her to mind her own business, and that you will do the same. Follow thru with this. Be the more "mature" person.

2. Or you can go with the flow and allow things to progress as they have been, which is making you miserable.

You can't control what she thinks, but you can tell her how angry it makes you that she talks crap about you like she is. You also can't control what she does. If she makes the mistake with her husband, to get a house they can't financially afford (which, no offense, is none of your business), that's on them, not you. If she feels like there's a competition, that's HER problem. Just live your life how you want to and are financially able to do. Be a good parent. Do what YOU feel is the best interest in your life and your child's life. Living to compete with your sister isn't a way to live your life. You don't need to justify yourself or actions to her, and she needs to realize the same.

I hope that the both of you can mature and become close in the future. Having a sister to talk with, share things, and lean on is EXTREMELY important.

[thurisas]

With the housing market the way it is today, with the banks the way they are today, and with the loan requirements the way they are today, I would say she hasn't a snowball's chance in hell of qualifying for a loan and getting a house. Accept this or not, but the only reason this person is so big in your life is because you're letting her be. Don't admit defeat by giving in, admit victory for not buying into the unhealthy competition.

Randy.

[ohshelly]

It sounds as though you have your life in order and are well on your way to a happiness.

I agree with Thursias, don't give your sister opinion so much importance.

The best revenge is living well, and that is so true.

[pappyld04]

Here we call it "Kepping up with the Jones's"! I've seen people go into debt over the most pathetic things just because someone else had one. Jet Boats, motorcycles, new cars, fancier houses and the list never ends. I smile when I see that someone is doing that with me because I know my shit is paid for. Sibling rivalry is about the same for some people. You can't sit back and let the kids be hurt by this though. Even if you have to bite the bullet and tell her that you live in a refrigerator box just to stop the BS. Keep the kids in mind the whole time cause this is a difficult thing to remember. Rivalry between adults normally pushes everyone else out of the picture!