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Dear Penis

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I saw this ad on craigslist and started cracking up!

The time has come after all these years together to have a little talk. One would think that after almost 50 years of a close relationship we would have an understanding of what is expected of each other. I don’t want you to think that I’m ungrateful or disappointed in you or our relationship. You’ve stood there in the face of many challenges, always ready to dive right in to unfamiliar terrain, occasionally without a prior in depth reconnaissance mission by me, your inseparable friend.

You first showed your mettle, and equally, you surprised me, at the age of ten when Angie and Mary dared me to go skinny dipping in the pond that hot August afternoon. How was I to know you would make such a grand appearance in my life? I will never forget the look on their faces or my embarrassment at the size to which you grew in just a matter of seconds. Nobody ever warned or told me about you or your habits. I don’t think anybody told Angie or Mary either, judging by the lecture I got from their fathers and mine that evening. Who would have guessed your inopportune moment to introduce yourself to the world would be something that would always cause me to keep an eye on you while you continued your impetuous behavior though out my life.

Do you have any idea of how many parents you upset when I had to stand up and be introduced to them by my date, and you, my eager friend, were so insistent on having your own personal coming out party? Sheesh. Although I do think you were right in thinking that Mrs. Plunkett wanted more than to gaze at your obvious enthusiasm for her daughter, that was hardly the time or place for either one of them to make your acquaintance, was it?, Mr. “I’ve got a mind of my own and you’re not going to stop me”.

In your twenties and thirties at least you weren’t showing up in front of parents, but you managed to maintain your rigid, inflexible lifestyle anyway, big, stubborn prick that you are. Do you remember that first date at dinner with Sue and she gave me a peck on the cheek and excused herself to go to the ladies room, prompting me to rise from my chair? You couldn’t wait, could you? You just had to let the whole dining room know that you were a force out of control. Yes, that’s when I resorted to duct tape.

Now, I’ve since abandoned such Draconian measures in attempts to control your behavior, preferring instead to think of starving children in Bangladesh prior to rising from my chair when in the company of a beautiful, sexy woman. It isn’t pretty, but it works, sometimes. But it sure beats the rash I got from the tape.

But, the real issue I want to bring to your attention is this. You are still insatiable after all these years. What’s up with that? While most guys my age are slowing down, you’re acting like you’re in your twenties! Grow up, will you? Oops, that’s probably not the best demand to place on you is it? Sorry, I didn’t mean to rub you the wrong way. Yes, sorry, that’s not funny either.

I realize you feel threatened by the pharmaceutically enhanced Johnny-come-latelys out there, those Barry Bonds of the penis world types with their little blue pills, but you, my old friend, have nothing to worry about. There will always be a woman who likes her men au naturel, n’est-ce pas? So, please, there is really no need to keep popping up randomly in front of complete strangers just to show you still have it. Trust me, you do.

Here’s the deal. I’m going to continue trying to find a woman attracted to my keen wit, big smile, intelligence, skills, kindness, and my lean, tall, muscled frame topped with a full head of hair. In return, if you can just wait until I’m sure that she might be interested in you before you decide to introduce yourself in your typical ad hoc fashion, I’ll promise to find someone who likes you as much as I do.

Deal? Thank you, Penis. I’m looking forward to another 50 or so years with you, you rascal.

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I thought it was going to be the song, dear penis by Rodney Crrington, not sure I got the name right. If you all want a laugh, you tube, internet is for porn, no you won't get a pron site. I'm going toshare this with a friend.

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