Members PanickedVanity Posted April 16, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 My husband is a fantastic and attentive lover, however he's got some gender issues which make it tough for us to have sex as often as I like, not to mention low self esteem. Any suggestions on how I can make him feel as beautiful as he is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amylynn920 Posted April 16, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 My husband is a fantastic and attentive lover, however he's got some gender issues which make it tough for us to have sex as often as I like, not to mention low self esteem. Any suggestions on how I can make him feel as beautiful as he is?You sit down and tell him. And you keep telling him. And you show him. And you tell him again. If it's not too personal and you don't have to answer, but what gender issues does he have? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PanickedVanity Posted April 16, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 He's genderqueer, not really comfortable being male, but not fully trans either Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amylynn920 Posted April 16, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 He's genderqueer, not really comfortable being male, but not fully trans eitherI see, thank you for answering. He's not comfortable in his own skin is all, so just keep reinforcing to him how beautiful he is to you. That's pretty much all you can do, he needs to believe it in himself. But maybe if he sees the truth in your eyes he will believe it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PanickedVanity Posted April 16, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 I know, but I've noticed that when he's feeling comfortable, and ok he loves sex, and really enjoys being with me, but when he feels ugly he doesn't enjoy it, and won't even undress in front of me if he can help in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PanickedVanity Posted April 16, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 Do you think maybe getting a strapon might please him? Make him feel more like a woman, or would it just weird him out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neuroticax Posted April 16, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 Unknowing your relationship and not knowing what you've already done or talked about.. I would try and talk to him about what exactly he'd like. Throw some suggestions, like the strap on you mentioned. does he enjoy you being "the man" so to speak, or is it a "fem fem" type thing? Get into his head and tell him that you'll do whatever it takes to make HIM feel comfortable and beautiful. It may take awhile.. lord knows it took me a long time to come out about my submissive side with my SO. If he enjoys feeling like 'the woman" at times, like if he feels ugly, try treating him more womanly.. I don't know how far he takes things and whatnot. So just use my advice to whatever extent your relationship is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thurisas Posted April 17, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2008 If it is self esteem issues, then my suggestion is this. Pick something about him that you know he feels confident about and that he likes. Compliment him on that part of him frequently. The more you hear good things about yourself, the more likely you are to believe it about yourself. Chances are there is absolutely nothing wrong with him but he is not the way he wants to be in his eyes and is having a hard time coming to grips with that. You have to mentally compromise with yourself. Like Iha said, this is something everyone deals with on one level or another. I have a bit of a pudge that bugs the hell out of me but I refuse to do what needs to be done to change it. Do I hate myself because of it? Nope, because my wife has told me over and over how handsome I am(and that I have a cute tushie). That helps me reconcile the things I don't like.Randy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PanickedVanity Posted April 17, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2008 If it is self esteem issues, then my suggestion is this. Pick something about him that you know he feels confident about and that he likes. Compliment him on that part of him frequently. The more you hear good things about yourself, the more likely you are to believe it about yourself. Chances are there is absolutely nothing wrong with him but he is not the way he wants to be in his eyes and is having a hard time coming to grips with that. You have to mentally compromise with yourself. Like Iha said, this is something everyone deals with on one level or another. I have a bit of a pudge that bugs the hell out of me but I refuse to do what needs to be done to change it. Do I hate myself because of it? Nope, because my wife has told me over and over how handsome I am(and that I have a cute tushie). That helps me reconcile the things I don't like.Randy.True, true. I'm always telling him how smart/sexy/gorgeous/talented/strong/handy/pretty/stylish he is... I think he probably needs to be on anti-depressants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikayla1 Posted April 17, 2008 Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2008 You know, I have been reading a LOT about this gender phenomenon that is finally being brought to the forefront. It is clearer now than ever before that gender is NOT about genetalia and that sexual identity as well as sexual identity are not black and white! It seems to me that he is identifying more with the female emotions that many of us girls have - are we fat, ugly, will he like me, am I smart enough - and it is this portion of his identity that is causing the ruckus. Let's face it, when we feel fat or bloated or ugly - we are NOT feeling sexual. Unfortunately, all you can do in this situation is love him....that is all....love him.Now, another thought that crosses my mind is this: if he is definitely having a gender crisis, then sex really brings forth those feelings of 'gender identity' - meaning, when you have sex he has the penis, you have the vagina. It is hard to see oneself as 'female identified' (not female) when you are looking at your penis. I think that may be some of his issue. When he feels most female he does not identify as female during sex, and then he feels that the male form of himself is 'ugly.'This, of course, is a generalized analysis based on what little I know about him or this type of phenomenon. I also explain some things that you may already know in the interest of helping those people who do not know much about this.If that is the case, he is in gender crisis on those times, he may want to identify as more female and having sex with a strap on may make him feel more 'feminine.' It is complex, but I do think that you are giving him much of what he needs and craves - love, understanding and affection! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PanickedVanity Posted April 17, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted April 17, 2008 You know, I have been reading a LOT about this gender phenomenon that is finally being brought to the forefront. It is clearer now than ever before that gender is NOT about genetalia and that sexual identity as well as sexual identity are not black and white! It seems to me that he is identifying more with the female emotions that many of us girls have - are we fat, ugly, will he like me, am I smart enough - and it is this portion of his identity that is causing the ruckus. Let's face it, when we feel fat or bloated or ugly - we are NOT feeling sexual. Unfortunately, all you can do in this situation is love him....that is all....love him.Now, another thought that crosses my mind is this: if he is definitely having a gender crisis, then sex really brings forth those feelings of 'gender identity' - meaning, when you have sex he has the penis, you have the vagina. It is hard to see oneself as 'female identified' (not female) when you are looking at your penis. I think that may be some of his issue. When he feels most female he does not identify as female during sex, and then he feels that the male form of himself is 'ugly.'This, of course, is a generalized analysis based on what little I know about him or this type of phenomenon. I also explain some things that you may already know in the interest of helping those people who do not know much about this.If that is the case, he is in gender crisis on those times, he may want to identify as more female and having sex with a strap on may make him feel more 'feminine.' It is complex, but I do think that you are giving him much of what he needs and craves - love, understanding and affection!As a girl with some gender issues of my own, I am fairly understanding. We have sex with me on top (which definitely makes him more comfortable) and I've noticed when he's feeling femmy he really likes giving/receiving oral, which seems to help (As his sexuality tends towards the "Lesbian" I think that he feels oral is a more comfortable form of intercourse) which is a desire I like to oblige. Honestly, I know at one point I knew how to "make him feel like a woman" during sex, but lately I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem to work the way it used to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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