Has Your Spouse Cheated?

[Mikayla1]

Has your spouse cheated on you? I want you to know, it is partially your fault!

Now, don't shoot the messenger, I was completely taken aback when I read this too. I have always been a believer that while SOMETIMES it is both partners who are responsible for cheating in a marriage, I also believe that many time the cheat-ee is not to blame. So why bring this up? Well, in the recent edition of Penthouse (to which I subscribe) the infamous Dr. Z was commenting on cheating, particularly, whether this man SHOULD cheat, and this is what she said in part:

'Monogamy is not a natural state for mankind, but one which requires considerable effort and sacrifice. All too often, the sacrifice is one's happiness. In your situation, an affair may offer a much-needed release for your pent-up sexual and emotional needs, and may give you the strength to resolve this miserable union [huh? did she REALLY just say that???]

.....If you go ahead with the affair, yo need to cover your tracks. Always use cash and don't keep any receipts. Never invite her into your home, or divulge your address or family info. Delete incriminating text messages as soon as they're received, and try not to use e-mail; even deleted messages can be recovred later.

Come up with simple excuses for your tardiness or absences, and never use friends as alibis without their knowledge. Ask your lover not to wear perfume or heavy make-up, as your wife could easily detect a scent or see smeared cosmetics. And make sure to use protection [the first good advice I have heard yet] an accidental pregnancy or STD is hard to explain.

As for your mistress, be honest and upfront [by all means, BE HONEST WITH THE GIRL YOU ARE CHEATING ON, NOT YOUR WIFE]. Don't promise to leave your wife unless you're 100% sure you will. And finally, ditch the guilt [REALLY????] Your wife has played her part in driving you into the arms of another woman.'

So what is this man's bad situation? His wife is not as interested in sex as he is! So what is the answer - cheat of course, duh? I mean really? Does Dr. Z really think that the only or best way to fix a bad sexual relationship is to CHEAT? She even outlines how to do it and not get caught? Um, I am not so sure, but this doesn't seem.....appropopriate. I mean, I understand she is DR. Z of PENTHOUSE, but come on now??????

[PanickedVanity]

I can't say I agree, there are a myriad of ways to release sexual energy, and no one's proven one way or the other whether we're meant to be monogamous or not, to be honest I think that there are naturally monogamous people and naturally non-monogamous people.

As for sexual energy, jesus, hasn't he heard of the miracle of masturbation, and if my husband ever were to cheat I would want him to tell me first, I think that honesty is incredibly important in a marriage, and although people can be "driven" to cheat, i think there's almost always a better solution if their partner is a reasonable understanding human.

Evolutionarily humans have shown a mixture of behavior when it comes to monogamous behavior, leading me to believe that our DNA varies person to person on monogamy, right now evolutionarily monogamy seems to be the best strategy providing stable support for offspring, and increasing the likelyhood that said offspring will breed, but that's unimportant.

I think that it's probably best for monogamous people to involve themselves exclusively with monogamous people, and non-monogamous people to involve themselves with non-monogamous people, that way no one gets hurt.

[synirr]

Wow... I'm not sure I agree with that advice.

On another note, there's a lot of evidence to suggest that humans, biologically speaking, didn't evolve as a monogamous species... pair-bonding yes, but monogamous in the long-term, no. Here's an exerpt from a paper I once wrote for a class that addresses the subject (I can track down my sources for the info if anyone is interested):

Humans also manifest physical characteristics common in non-monogamous species. In monogamous animals, both sexes tend to be relatively monomorphic, particularly in regard to size, whereas polygamous species tend to be sexually dimorphic, as one sex or the other (generally males,) is constantly competing with others for the attentions of the opposite sex. In humans, males are taller on average, a sexually dimorphic characteristic. Another interesting factor is testicle size. In gorillas, the ratio of testicle size to body mass is small; this is because gorillas compete not with their sperm, but with their strength. Once a big silverback has gained supremacy over a harem of females, he is pretty well assured to be the only male that mates with them. Chimps, on the other hand, have comparably large testicles, lending to the fact that multiple males can be found mating with the same adult female within a relatively short timeframe. In most species, the ratio of testicle size to body size is a good predictor of how many mates an animal is likely to have. Humans fall somewhere between gorillas and chimps, which suggests that while we are somewhat inclined to form pair bonds, our species is also no stranger to adultery. Also, females mature first, which is another tell-tale sign of polygyny, as it is in the males’ best interest to delay maturation until they are larger and stronger and have some chance in the competition for mates.

Physical characteristics are not the only indication that our species evolved as a polygynous one, there are behavioral clues as well. Men tend to be more violent than women, owing to the fact that it does a male no good to be physically intimidating if he isn’t inclined to make use of his assets. Intense sexual jealously and competitiveness are another clue, and a near-universal human phenomenon. Evolutionarily speaking, we may be a pair-bonding species, but not a monogamous one. Sexual monogamy is unusual and unnatural, even among species more socially monogamous than we.

I mean, recent research has shown that many species of birds that were once considered the poster children of monogamy are actually a lot less sexually monogamous than we previously thought, even if they maintain perfect social monogamy... we're talking 10-20% of every clutch of eggs being fathered by males that aren't paired with the female. And we once thought that something like 92% of bird species were monogamous... only a handful of mammalian species have ever been called such.

Point is, it's reasonable to assume that, biologically, people aren't cut out for monogamous relationships. The interesting thing to consider is that we, as human beings, are not defined by our biology alone.

[PanickedVanity]

Humans are somewhat sexually differentiated, but much, much less than a lot of species (peacocks, walruses, chickens) in fact I'm sure to any other species our sexes look virtually the same.

As I said, I don't think all humans are monogamous, nor do I think all humans are non-monogamous, I think that humans are rather... split in that respect.

[PanickedVanity]

For men, the 'reptiallian' part of our brain tells us to spread our genes as fast and as often, and as with as many females a possible...in evolutionary terms, monogomy is a relatively recent trend in human (and mammal) history...

Cheating can only be official if two people have the understanding that they are exclusive to each other.

While cheating is never the answer, it can be intensely and deeply tempting and stressful when a person is at a point of relationship frustration; this is a very vulnerable place to be. Many of us, given such a situation, would hardly be able to turn down an assertive, attractive, and enthusiastic invitation to play from someone who is not our SO. The amount of strength it takes to say 'no' is a considerable drain. The best option, of course, is not to place oneself in temptation's way...

Some folks work hard at maintaining a an ideal that love and commitment are a higher cause than our sexual desires and needs...this is a hard trail to walk...in the spiritual sense, the biggest part of my marriage vow is not to my spouse, but to my Higher Power...I cling to the hope that my struggle for fidelity and frustrated desire is for a higher cause than the satisfaction of my penis...

I do not expect everyone (anyone) to agree with this, but do humbly request others' respect of it, as I respect others who decide to leave relationships or 'cheat' to get their sexual needs met. This does not mean that I am not in pain; it just means I struggle to cope with it, and live in hopes of improvement.

I respect that a lot, but I think the ideal to strive for is a relationship in which the desires (both emotional and sexual) of both partners are met, which is something my husband and I are working on, and it does indeed work. I have never once been tempted to cheat on him, and I know that he never so much as looks at another woman, I suspect this is because we are both by nature monogamous creatures, the thought of being with another man or woman turns my stomach and I can't bear the thought.

[vanilla_bean]

Man, I'm glad my husband didn't take any advice for Dr. Z when I was in an extended slump.

Anybody read stuff by Wendy Strgar? She would be the polar opposite of Dr. Z. It might be interesting to hear those two duke it out. Strgar's tag line is "Keeping love sustainable. She wrote an article that I found interesting (although I didn't agree with every word of it) here:

http://www.realitysandwich.com/sustainable_love

[Tyger]

Well, I guess the saving grace for that article is that it's in Penthouse. Though, I am not saying that everyone that reads Penthouse will cheat or is inclinded to do so. Where the advise is good advice if a man is going to cheat, and probably stay with is wife, I just don't like it. I mean, if someone's gonna cheat, men or women, they will cheat, no matter what. Nobody can stop them from doing so, no matter what their SO does, a person that is going to cheat, will. So, in that aspect of the article, then the advice is sound.

And, in instances such as this, if the man sounds like he's going to cheat, not leave his wife, and wants advice how to do it, then what I gathered, it was good advice. Of course we're all expecting a "HER" to go and try to say things like "counselling, don't do it" and whatnot. That's the moral thing we want everyone to say. But, if we look at reality, and I can't say it enough, a person that is wanting to cheat, will.

In many cases, yes, it is kinda both spouse's fault if someone cheats. I mean, there's lack of communication, lack of sex (which is also grouped into the lack of communication). But, I've known several couples that one of them have cheated, and yet their sex lives and personal lives seemed very much on track. I also think that many men (not all) don't ALWAYS see their wives as life-partners, companions, friends, as well as lovers and mothers. It's when they forget that, and think about getting their nuts off, that things really digress in the relationship. I LOVED iha's statement "I cling to the hope that my struggle for fidelity and frustrated desire is for a higher cause than the satisfaction of my penis..." That is ONE mature man for you. What many male cheaters don't do is think with their BRAIN. My ex was excellent in planning stuff out for trips and stuff, but what he sucked at was thinking about what might happen if he did something, after it happened.

My ex husband cheated. And, trust me when I say, it was NOT due to lack of sex or communication. When I was irritated, concerned, happy, or sad, he knew all about it. Probably sometimes too much. The issue with my ex is that he has a HUGE ego that needs feeding constantly, and one woman can't satisfy that. He has to feel desired by someone else. It's his "thing" I guess. He was A LOT of maintanance. He did all of the suggested tips (didn't have a cc at the time), but, I was able to delve into the computer and find proof, so yes, that part of the advise is true. Plus, he bragged. So, I found out a lot with some research.

So, anyway, that's my $1.00 worth anyway.

[Amylynn920]

My spouse has not cheated, nor have I. I know if he did I would need to look at myself and see what needs were not being met. If he consistently said all his needs were being met, then I'd have to look at him and decide if this is the person I really want to be with.

[me4now]

I dont agree 100% of this article, but I have a very good friend and she has cheated 3 times and her rason is because she cant release all her sexually frustration out to her husband. so she had a co-worker who she had the affairs with, and what made haer stop is when she found out her husband almost cheated with a good friend of ours. That gave her a serious i opener she begin to communicate with her husband explaining why she did what she did. He was hurt by her confession.

Come up with simple excuses for your tardiness or absences, and never use friends as alibis without their knowledge. Ask your lover not to wear perfume or heavy make-up, as your wife could easily detect a scent or see smeared cosmetics. And make sure to use protection [the first good advice I have heard yet] an accidental pregnancy or STD is hard to explain

All this above is what she did to her husband.

[sun_flower969]

sorry I guess I posted 2X I dont know how to delete it!

[sun_flower969]

Has your spouse cheated on you? I want you to know, it is partially your fault!

Now, don't shoot the messenger, I was completely taken aback when I read this too. I have always been a believer that while SOMETIMES it is both partners who are responsible for cheating in a marriage, I also believe that many time the cheat-ee is not to blame. So why bring this up? Well, in the recent edition of Penthouse (to which I subscribe) the infamous Dr. Z was commenting on cheating, particularly, whether this man SHOULD cheat, and this is what she said in part:

'Monogamy is not a natural state for mankind, but one which requires considerable effort and sacrifice. All too often, the sacrifice is one's happiness. In your situation, an affair may offer a much-needed release for your pent-up sexual and emotional needs, and may give you the strength to resolve this miserable union [huh? did she REALLY just say that???]

.....If you go ahead with the affair, yo need to cover your tracks. Always use cash and don't keep any receipts. Never invite her into your home, or divulge your address or family info. Delete incriminating text messages as soon as they're received, and try not to use e-mail; even deleted messages can be recovred later.

Come up with simple excuses for your tardiness or absences, and never use friends as alibis without their knowledge. Ask your lover not to wear perfume or heavy make-up, as your wife could easily detect a scent or see smeared cosmetics. And make sure to use protection [the first good advice I have heard yet] an accidental pregnancy or STD is hard to explain.

As for your mistress, be honest and upfront [by all means, BE HONEST WITH THE GIRL YOU ARE CHEATING ON, NOT YOUR WIFE]. Don't promise to leave your wife unless you're 100% sure you will. And finally, ditch the guilt [REALLY????] Your wife has played her part in driving you into the arms of another woman.'

So what is this man's bad situation? His wife is not as interested in sex as he is! So what is the answer - cheat of course, duh? I mean really? Does Dr. Z really think that the only or best way to fix a bad sexual relationship is to CHEAT? She even outlines how to do it and not get caught? Um, I am not so sure, but this doesn't seem.....appropopriate. I mean, I understand she is DR. Z of PENTHOUSE, but come on now??????

I read that and my blood started boiling... Yes My H cheated. about a year ago and for about 5-6 months.We are still recovering. There is NO WAY in hell it was my fault. We are so active it is crazy. It was all him. She came on to him, offered him sexual favors and "no strings attached". He had never had anyone pursue him like this so he was really drawn to her. Then she turned psycho and all he wanted was to get away from her. He thought I would never take him back if I knew the truth. The truth is, he was insecure about his lack of sexual conquests. (he had only been with one other girl before me, he was 21 when we got married). He thought he would experience something he hadn't. (He sure did... Heart wrenching pain and sadness over what he did to me and our family and can never take it back) I could go on with endless details but that's enough I think.

It is a sad sad thing, I am actually crying thinking about it...

Although our sex life has never been better. I guess the affair made us both realize what we have and how much we love and can't live without each other.

MY fault? NO fucking way!!!

[ToyQueen]

If you ask my ex, it is totally my fault he cheated. I put on weight having his children, I couldn't manage the checkbook, I wouldn't work full time and keep the house spotless, and I wasn't good enough in bed.

Now, he has declared bankruptcy since he left (although he blames that on me, too), his new wife (the one he cheated WITH) is gaining weight like crazy, and I've seen his house not be spotless.

[sun_flower969]

If you ask my ex, it is totally my fault he cheated. I put on weight having his children, I couldn't manage the checkbook, I wouldn't work full time and keep the house spotless, and I wasn't good enough in bed.

Now, he has declared bankruptcy since he left (although he blames that on me, too), his new wife (the one he cheated WITH) is gaining weight like crazy, and I've seen his house not be spotless.

UP HIS! Seriously... sorry a sore subject

[ohshelly]

I agree with sunflower, and think I was married to toyqueens brother! YIKES!!

My Ex H ceated on me and it ended our 28 year marriage. He lost the respect of our three adult children

My So's Ex W cheated on him and it ended their 27 year marriage. He had one daughter out on her own, but it crushed his young teenage son. She (ex) told my So and the son that she neeed to start over and couldn't do it with the son tagging along.

We have both been through the pain, and seen the affect had on our children.

It was selfish 'me first' attitudes on both their parts. Neither of them is with the person they cheated with, or has a SO.

We keep saying we should fix them up.

His son is living with us, and his behavior has improved so much in the last year. He is a good kid, totally loveable, funny and much smarter then anybody gives him credit for. He is going to be just fine.

He still has no relationship with his mom, who lives 3 miles away.

Cheating affects everybod in the family dynamics, not just the three adults involved. It is a selfish decision.

My opinion only. Shelly

[synirr]

As I said, I don't think all humans are monogamous, nor do I think all humans are non-monogamous, I think that humans are rather... split in that respect.

Pair-bonding

[ohshelly]

sorry toyqueen, I ment to say your ex spouses' brother. The way my Ex saw it, I MADE him cheat!

He also had some extra weight he didn't have on our wedding day, not to mention his hair loss!

I married a guy with beautiful long blond hair (in 1977) and divorced a guy with NO HAIR!

Did I complain about that? No, I told him how attractive bald men are. Lot of good it did me, huh?

[ToyQueen]

I knew exactly what you meant, and you are fine.

I agree completely--my ex had gained a lot of weight, and lost his hair, too---at least the hair on his head!

The other part of the whole situation was that I asked him once if he was cheating, he denied it, and I forgot the whole conversation. When I had proof of his cheating--he actually left our pnone number when he registered at the bed and breakfast---he said I made him cheat because he'd already been accused. Therefore he may as well do it!

[nosleepnmesa]

Well I have to give my 2cents worth to. I agree with some part of the article but not alot. Since I just recently found out my husband has been having am affair for over a year, yes here I thought our marriage was great and fine. We have lots of communication, great sex, open about everything so I thought. Where he had the engery I dont know.

Most of you know that we have been threw some difficult times with my health and things, but he always stood by me and help and was understanding. I honestly can say that I know I didnt cause him to since he was sexually taken care of all the time. I also understand that with alot of things that have gone on that there was prolly something more he needed when I was having my medical issues etc..

I do believe that most men dont find it normal to masturbate, although mine loved it we use to have masterbation nights. Those were fun, to watch each other. This article just ugggs me in alot of ways, I am glad it is in Penthouse and not in the local paper.

[pappyld04]

About the only truth in this article IMHO is that we aren't meant to be monogamous. Many men think with the little head rather than the big one. That is what causes this shit. Never during the violation does consequence play into what is happening. It does seem that an erection cuts off the blood supply to the brain for most men. I couldn't guess as to why since most men don't have enough dick to touch the wall before their own nose hits it! This stupid cunt is the reason that all men get thrown under the bus where cheating is concerned at least! Another toilet paper degree issued to a fool with no common sense!

[sun_flower969]

About the only truth in this article IMHO is that we aren't meant to be monogamous. Many men think with the little head rather than the big one. That is what causes this shit. Never during the violation does consequence play into what is happening. It does seem that an erection cuts off the blood supply to the brain for most men. I couldn't guess as to why since most men don't have enough dick to touch the wall before their own nose hits it! This stupid cunt is the reason that all men get thrown under the bus where cheating is concerned at least! Another toilet paper degree issued to a fool with no common sense!

Amen to that

[sun_flower969]

Well I have to give my 2cents worth to. I agree with some part of the article but not alot. Since I just recently found out my husband has been having am affair for over a year, yes here I thought our marriage was great and fine. We have lots of communication, great sex, open about everything so I thought. Where he had the engery I dont know.

Most of you know that we have been threw some difficult times with my health and things, but he always stood by me and help and was understanding. I honestly can say that I know I didnt cause him to since he was sexually taken care of all the time. I also understand that with alot of things that have gone on that there was prolly something more he needed when I was having my medical issues etc..

I do believe that most men dont find it normal to masturbate, although mine loved it we use to have masterbation nights. Those were fun, to watch each other. This article just ugggs me in alot of ways, I am glad it is in Penthouse and not in the local paper.

Are you saying you just found this out??? How are you doing? Are you OK seriously!

[crossroads123]

I agree AIN'T NO FUCKING WAY YOU'LL PUT THE BLAME ON ME FOR A LYING, CHEATING, BITCH OR FOR WHAT SHE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nosleepnmesa]

Sun_Flower yes I just found this out a few days ago, I am okay and doing well. Thank you for your concearns. I am not angry anymore no sense in it to be honest. Being angry just waste alot of energy. I am not going to allow this to get me down.

[crossroads123]

Sun_Flower yes I just found this out a few days ago, I am okay and doing well. Thank you for your concearns. I am not angry anymore no sense in it to be honest. Being angry just waste alot of energy. I am not going to allow this to get me down.

I'm sooooooooooo sorry for you having just been here myself. I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers. Chuck

[sun_flower969]

I'm sooooooooooo sorry for you having just been here myself. I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers. Chuck

Sorry It sucks! I hope you are OK...