Need More Advice Please

[Sweetpup]

Hi all, I'm back with an update. Things are still not going well with my SO. She has changed some but I think with the problems we had I have now shut down. There has been no sex for 9 months now, no affection, no intimacy. There has been no hugs or love you for over a month now. I know she wants to but now I have rejected her. Our communication has gotten a lot better but I feel we are just friends. I dont know if I want to take a chance on the future. I dont know if things get better if they will stay that way or if it will decline again. I just know if I can take anymore of this but I don't want anyone to get hurt in the process. On another note I did find someone else that I talk to and care about. I know its wrong and has gone no further then talking. I know that is where it all starts, but I'm happy when I talk to her. I look for positive things in my wife but dont get that same feeling anymore. I put my heart and soul into saving our marriage a year ago and she kept rejecting most all I tried to do. I don't know if I should just call it quits and move on or try to start again which will take me a long time. All I want is to be happy. Read my last posts for backround. Thanks for reading and your thoughts.

[pappyld04]

Marriage vows should not be taken lightly. This is not a great moment but it is a moment that you vowed to be there for her. I think many of us enjoy that new love feeling but is it worth your marriage? I don't know about what you 2 have had together but a vow is just that!

[triedntru]

That feeling that you get when talking to someone is great. The feelings that you get when you've been married aren't always the "butterflies in you tummy". Marriage is hard work, however, the rewards are well worth it! I don't know your situation but I have been married for over 9 years, and we have gone from being best friends, to not standing each other, and back to best friends. I have gotten to the point that I wanted a divorce, but we decided to try and get counseling. It worked, so my advice is, get counseling, if she won't go with you, then go yourself, at least you can say you tried everything. hope this helps somewhat, TNT

[Sweetpup]

Thanks all. We have tried counseling. She said she didn't get much out of it or tried much that was suggested. I just know about the future.

[Amylynn920]

I will be the devil's advocate here. I was in your situation many years ago. My ex broke whatever it was we had. His actions set me away. And when he did decide (before he died) that he loved me, it was too late. Follow your heart. In my experience when something like that is gone, it's gone.

[angelkisses98]

I will be the devil's advocate here. I was in your situation many years ago. My ex broke whatever it was we had. His actions set me away. And when he did decide (before he died) that he loved me, it was too late. Follow your heart. In my experience when something like that is gone, it's gone.

i have to agree with aiden on this one

[hollybw]

I do agree with what Aiden is saying, and I realize she has way more experience than I. However, I can't help but state that the counselor you went to is not the "be all end all" of counselors. Being well educated in the world of psychology myself, I know there are a lot of quacks out there, and not everyone is comfortable with every professional or even the idea of going to see one. Maybe try seeing someone else before calling it quits?? Just a suggestion... On the other hand, this may very well have been an excuse for her to not go back...

Good luck - hope your situation gets better for you both.

[ladylove]

Your still married, don't date. you could regret it on so many levels. Decide what you are going to do, work it out or get a divorce. If you decide to get a divorce don't date anyone for at least 6mths. Just wait till you get your head together a bit, before you date again. And Sweetpup, maybe you should have sex with her, not that sex is the whole relationship, but it is an important part of one...Good luck!

[nosleepnmesa]

Well I am also going to be a little of the Devils Advocate here. Just a few questions for you to, being a women I can tell you that some women not all it really depends on the person, tend to ball up feelings and hold on to things in the past that have caused them hurt, something their SO did etc.. Instead of talking about it they hang on to it, or they talk about it and never really let go of it and move forward with their SO. So here are my questions for you? We all know that marriages have their ups and downs have you done something recently or in the past that she might be hanging on to?? Flirted with someone else? or anything that could have caused her to feel rejected in anyway? If so maybe you may want to ask her if she is hanging on to instead of letting go of something in the past that has hurt her. Just a little start anyway, if there is something there, I am not saying that there is just a thought I had.

As we all know communication is the key to keeping your marriage alive, along with the sexual aspect of it to. Also are you both comfortable about talking about sex outside the bedroom? I know you mentioned that your communication is getting better.

As far as having someone else to talk to is great, but remember you are still married. Also there is a term "emotional cheating". Are you by chance, since it is easier to talk to this other women, and as you said, you are happy and feel good when you are talking with her, that you may be having a little more then friendship feelings for her which is causing you to have more questions about your marriage? Just a few questions.

Keep us updated. Best wishes to you.

[crossroads123]

Please be very careful with the friend you are talking to that can very easily turn sexual, and that my friend will ONLY complicate the problem at hand.

[chloegirl]

Went back and re-read all your old posts....and although this has been going on for quite awhile now most of us who have been in long term relationships have been thru those long, empty, dry spells and yes when they go on long enough you do start to question the wisdom of sticking it out. Marriage takes alot of hard work and sacrifice and you do have to suck it up to weather the bad times, but how long should you let it go on? At one time I felt that you stick with it no matter what, but the older I get I'm starting to look at it differently.....If after REALLY trying every possible thing you can to make it work and it still is not working I don't see the point of sticking with it just for the sake of staying together. If you are not happy, satisfied, or fulfilled living in a "platonic" relationship then you owe it to yourself to give yourself the chance to find something more. What "brownie points" can you possibly gain by staying in a situation that you are not happy in? A one sided marriage is not a real marriage at all. You will know when and if you are really ready to move on, but be careful in the meantime with adding extra characters into the mix before you are sure.

[Sweetpup]

Well I am also going to be a little of the Devils Advocate here. Just a few questions for you to, being a women I can tell you that some women not all it really depends on the person, tend to ball up feelings and hold on to things in the past that have caused them hurt, something their SO did etc.. Instead of talking about it they hang on to it, or they talk about it and never really let go of it and move forward with their SO. So here are my questions for you? We all know that marriages have their ups and downs have you done something recently or in the past that she might be hanging on to?? Flirted with someone else? or anything that could have caused her to feel rejected in anyway? If so maybe you may want to ask her if she is hanging on to instead of letting go of something in the past that has hurt her. Just a little start anyway, if there is something there, I am not saying that there is just a thought I had.

As we all know communication is the key to keeping your marriage alive, along with the sexual aspect of it to. Also are you both comfortable about talking about sex outside the bedroom? I know you mentioned that your communication is getting better.

As far as having someone else to talk to is great, but remember you are still married. Also there is a term "emotional cheating". Are you by chance, since it is easier to talk to this other women, and as you said, you are happy and feel good when you are talking with her, that you may be having a little more then friendship feelings for her which is causing you to have more questions about your marriage? Just a few questions.

Keep us updated. Best wishes to you.

I can not think of anything that I have done that my wife could be holding in. She always is outspoken. I was the one that holds it in and now I'm able to speak my mind. Early on in our marriage I was cheated on twice. then after our second daughter was born, she is now 13, there was a sexual breakdown that continues today, then the communication breakdown. This has been going on for a number of years that I have been sticking it out. Now not all the times were bad. Sex has always been the same thing. She lays there for foreplay, has a couple of orgasms then wants to fuck. Then its over. Last night we had sex, first time in 9 months, and it was the same thing. I have bought games, toys, anything to change things up. Doesn't work.

[Amylynn920]

I can not think of anything that I have done that my wife could be holding in. She always is outspoken. I was the one that holds it in and now I'm able to speak my mind. Early on in our marriage I was cheated on twice. then after our second daughter was born, she is now 13, there was a sexual breakdown that continues today, then the communication breakdown. This has been going on for a number of years that I have been sticking it out. Now not all the times were bad. Sex has always been the same thing. She lays there for foreplay, has a couple of orgasms then wants to fuck. Then its over. Last night we had sex, first time in 9 months, and it was the same thing. I have bought games, toys, anything to change things up. Doesn't work.

I would have been gone after the second cheating episode. Everyone is entitled to a mistake, but twice is not a mistake.

No sex for 9 months and unfullfilling and selfish sex at that.

It's just not what I would want in a relationship.

[square]

Going thru your old posts, you've been trying to work things out for a year and a half with, it seems, no real improvement.

Your earlier posts indicated she was yakking a lot on the phone with a fellow from work (and lying about it), and had been seen smooching with him; some speculated that there was likely more going on with this fellow than just yakking and smooching.

You say here that she cheated twice early in your marrage.

Albert Einstein said: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Granted, I am not in your shoes, I can only go by what is written here, two sides to every story (sometimes more), I can be kinda negative, and all that good stuff.

But it seems to me that you have beaten this dead horse about all that it can be beaten; there is nothing more to be gained.

The next issue would be, what is in the best interest of your kids? Is it worth staying under the same roof as the Mrs. for the kids' sake, till they are older and off on their own? Or go your own way and spend time with the kids as best you can?

One other comment: in your first post, you had said:

My wife took care of the kids and the house, but gave up on the house beacause of not being aknowlaged.

I admit I am to blame for this too, for not giving my wife the compliment and aknowlagement she needs.

Has she ever given you credit/acknowledgement for being the main bread winner, for busting your tail year after year to bring home a pay check to put food on the table and a roof over your family's heads?

[Amylynn920]

I will also add that life is too short to spend your time unhappy.