Geez.

[masquedxangel]

(This is very long. I have to get it all out.)

Okay so I went to the last theatre party of the year Saturday and had a little liquor (a shot or two; just tipsy) and had a great time! A trio of guys who live on the first floor of my building ended up walking home with me (actually they carried me; I had my first asthma attack at the party so I was feeling very sober and cranky lol) and when we got there I realized I was wearing one of their coats, but I'd totally forgotten to grab MINE and it had my room key! So one of the guys said one of his beds was free and he didn't mind if I crashed there for the night and got my key back tomorrow so we didn't have to walk all the way back.

So I headed in and sat on the bed, and he politely offered me the comforter and I was still feeling really crappy from the asthma so I took it with thanks and settled in. We were watching TV and he said something about being horny. We've joked like that before so I laughed and said I'd had that feeling sometimes too. He says, "You feeling it now?"

"Maybe." I'm still assuming we're teasing.

"You have too many clothes on to be horny."

"You do too." He gets up and yanks off his shirt and pants.

I laugh and lose my shirt and pants and he says "You still have too much clothing on!" Competitive, I lost my bra and announced I'd won. Then I rolled over to go to sleep. Now I KNOW that was stupid. I thought we were just teasing, so I absolutely didn't expect to suddenly feel him tug the blanket up and get into bed next to me. I was instantly bolt upright as he tried to grope my chest and putting my bra right back on. He snapped the clasp back off and I put it back on and managed to catch his hand away next time he tried it.

"I'm tired." I laid back down and pressed my face to the pillows and tried not to move. He instantly started fussing with my underwear and cupping me. Startled, I shove his hand away and lean over and go "Oops, I'm cold." And tug my shirt back on despite his complaints, assuming I'll be fine now. He doesn't take the hint and keeps trying to get his hand under my underwear. So I grab my pants and put them back on to. Now he HAS to get it, right?!

Oh no.

He shoves his hands down my pants, and when I block him he starts putting one up my shirt. I'm much smaller than him so I could only out-strength one at a time. Unfortunately the one he got through was the one between my legs. He's telling me all about how he's amazing in bed and I should just let him. I have to get both of my hands down there and one leg to shove his hand away. "No, thank you."

"Why noooot?"

"I don't WANT to."

"Yes you do!" HAND. This time he manages to shove a finger in me which HURTS. So I have to use two hands and a leg again, "NO. THANK. YOU."

"Okay, okay. Fine."

I start coughing because of my damn chest and he gets up, spreads the blanket back on me, gives me a bottle of water I'd been working on, and goes back to his bed. Relieved I settle down to go to sleep.

"You ever made out?"

"No."

"You want to?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't really know how to kiss."

"Practice!"

"No, thank you."

"Wanna make out?"

"...I don't think so."

"Yes!"

Gets up and comes BACK to my bed. At this point apparently I should just not reply since he's hearing what he wants to hear.

He then proceeds to grab me around the waist and drag me up against him, pinning me between him and a mattress and proceeds to try to make out with me. I turn my face away but he keeps yanking it back so finally I just let him, assuming he'll realize I'm not going to respond and get bored. Dumb me. I wait for a while and finally start wrenching my face away again since I do NOT want to and he keeps fighting me. Then he tries for my pants again and I twist away. "No, THANK YOU. I don't want to."

He grabs me around the waist, hauls me up so I'm straddling his lap as I'm still shocked, and shoves his finger back in. I finally realize that he's not going to accept no for an answer and I'm getting a little frightened so I wrench away from him, and run from his room, heading to another friend's room and spending the night with him.

Now he claims he was drunk so he doesn't remember. I know he'd had some to drink, but was he REALLY that drunk? He seemed pretty damn okay to me. Not to mention if he had been drunk and I'd let him force me into sex I'd be PISSED if he didn't remember.

So I admitted it to two of my friends, and mentioned it again tonight at dinner to someone who I THOUGHT was my friend but he freaked out on me because he was apparently annoyed when I'd gone to the second guy's room that I'd dared to like...talk to him about what was going on whining that I was a "loud drunk" and he "should have dragged me to the RAs" which pissed me off because I was completely sober and frightened by then. I replied, "I wasn't drunk. I was just freaked out because *guy* was MOLESTING me." He rolls his eyes and says, "Yeah, RIGHT. He has TASTE. Don't be another *friend of mine who claims she was raped at a party but we aren't sure because she kinda sleeps around so most people don't believe her...I say if she says it, she says it and it's her word so I'll believe her until proven otherwise*."

He has TASTE?!

I was astonished and I, totally furious, just stood up and stormed away. What, I'm not good enough to be drunkenly raped? o.0;

So later that night the RA knocked on my door and brought me down to the RD who said they'd heard there was a sexual assault and they wanted my version. I was astonished, I didn't even know how to respond. I finally just told them it had gotten a little heavier than I wanted so I left the situation, but no I didn't think they needed to file anything against him and no I didn't need a sexual assault helpline or something.

Who the hell thinks they have the right to report something like that, without even getting the full story from me?! Now the guys on the first floor think I'm a little drama queen who just wants everyone's attention. I managed to tell one of them that *I* did not report it, I didn't know who did, and that guy didn't need to worry because I'd told them there was no assault.

So I'm between digusted with myself...him...and I feel kinda guilty. I mean I encouraged it...but I'm disgusted by it...and unsure of what he would have done if I'd stayed longer.

I had to tell SOMEONE exactly what happened because I'm honestly too embarassed to explain this all to people I know in real life. He did hurt me, he was kinda rough, but now I'm fine and I feel kinda violated but I'm not going to go pitch a fit and file charges and things just because he took my joking to mean 'hey, come try to screw me!' I guess I'm mostly just upset about it because of the previous guy who made me feel like I was making it all up; I don't think I'd have bolted from the first bed which was a comfy single to go curl up on a sliver of another bed to share for 'attention.' I actually forgot how many times he got his hand between my legs but it was more than I said and WAY more than I was happy with (ANY at all I wasn't happy about).

So... how should I take this? I'm so confused right now. I mean I want to be upset, but I don't want to be a total attention-whore and I DID manage to remove myself from the situation...I'm so baffled lol. Honestly the real reason, other than the fact that I was raised not to have sex before marriage and plan to stick to that, that I was sooooo against ANYTHING was because right now I'm involved with a guy that I really REALLY like and I have more respect for him than to do something as terrible as have sex with some random guy.

Sorry this was so long but I feel safer writing it all down...looking at it, it seems really insignificant.

(ETA: Oh; I haven't mentioned this...I'm a theatre major and we're all very racy with our jokes...I had forgotten who I was dealing with. So something that is a joke in the theatre can be taken as WAAAAY more by someone else. Obviously. I hadn't thought about who I was joking with 'cause I've joked around like this with other guys that ARE theatre majors before =/)

[triedntru]

I am so sorry this happened to you! *big hug* That is awful! I'm honestly not sure what to say here. I know I should say that you should report it, but I do see your side of the pic. He has no side other than sleazeball! That is NOT acceptable under any circumstance!!! There is a reason that NO MEANS NO! Please get counseling somewhere. From personal experience there is a good chance that you won't be able to "get over this" by yourself. This is a MAJOR trust breaker (with anybody). I'm not necessarily saying that you have to see a shrink but at least a good, good friend can help. But only one that is there for YOU through thick and thin!

[Mikayla1]

The bottom line is, no means no and there WAS a sexual assault...period. Whomever reported it had a duty to do so, this guy did sexually assault you, and unfortunately, the underlying circumstances are irrelevant. Teasing or not, drama club or not - once you said NO and NO and NO again, he had no right to do what he did.

The person reporting it is most likely trying to protect the other girls (or you) from this happening again. Remember, sexual assault happens allllll too often and people do not report it. It is very important that he know that this is NOT COOL and he CAN NOT do this every again. What if you had not been able to remove yourself? Then what? rape is rape no matter if you know the person, egged it on or whatever. You have to think about the bigger picture. Do not feel guilty - any guy or gal who has an ounce of intelligence is going to realize that what this dude did was wrong, plain and simple, and not guilt you for it.

Sorry you have to deal with this, I know life in college is hard enough...

[masquedxangel]

Had I not been able to escape the situation I would either have broken his nose or windpipe as I was taught in karate. ^_- That's how I judged the severity of this situation; I didn't have to employ any training to escape the situation. I think he was really, really bent on getting his way but I don't think he would have pinned me down and sexed me...he just would have tried to coerce me to stay still.

I actually don't really feel like I need councilling. This is the second time this has happened and I just consider it...learning, I guess. Writing it in my forums is my therapy - I feel so much better now that I've talked about it.

I know someone FELT they needed to report it; but it was not someone to whom *I* told the story because I spoke to those people and they said they hadn't done it. So I want to know who thinks they have the right to go crying rape/assault without speaking directly to ME first. That makes ME look bad AND it makes him look bad since this goes into BOTH our permanent records. I'm not pleased about that. -sigh-

I just needed to rant I guess. I honestly don't think this was quite the same as the last time I was in this situation...I felt like I still had some control over the situation, whereas last time I was in that position I was terrified. So I was freaked out but not quite the same way...I don't think this is going to be something that guy does much - he's pretty damn sure he's the cat's meow so I think he thinks he can get any girl he wants without having to force them.

[masquedxangel]

Yeah I don't think that's something he does much. He seemed absolutely stunned that I refused to let him do me, like this was a new thing for him. o.0;

And yeah. I am going to try to remember that not everyone is a theatre major so not everyone gets jokes LOL!

[cmwise1]

I am sorry this happened to you. Perhaps these guy friends are not really friends. You were molested, though, there is no doubt about it. If you said no, No means NO. Being inebriated just makes the guy even more a jerk to take advantage of you. I would recommend counseling as well, sometimes this sort of thing comes back to haunt you in unusual ways.

[masquedxangel]

The first time it happened was with a guy I dated for a month. He'd been a perfect gentleman at first but then he kept pushing me more and more beyond my limits until I suddenly found myself in a situation I didn't want to be in. I had no control over it, there was no joking about it.

In this situation it was moreso an accident; since this guy hangs out with theatre kids I expected him to respond like we all normally do when in situations like that - laugh, and that's it. On the contrary...he startled the hell out of me. And I don't care HOW drunk someone is - I can control myself, so can they. I didn't make this clear - I was not inebriated at any time that night. I was tipsy, then I had an asthma attack and suddenly I was very sober. So I was just really tired, and I'd laughed with this guy before (and I was safely under a blanket) so I figured we were just messing around.

Lesson learned. -sigh-

Right now, the guy who is the reason I REALLY vehemently refused the first guy...is that perfect gentleman. He's sweet, funny, and verrry polite. I think I'd have to force him to force me into anything I didn't want. LOL!!!

[pappyld04]

I hear a lot of people claiming that they were too drunk to remember what happened. IMHO, THIS IS BULLSHIT! I've been drunker than Cooter Brown many times and never forgot anything that happened. At times it took someone mentioning the incident to make me remember it but using the old "I was too drunk to remember" excuse is just avoiding taking respomsibility for your actions.

[masquedxangel]

I assume that's what he's trying to do. And since I really don't have the desperate urge to talk to him about it...he's welcome to pretend he was more drunk than he was since he wasn't even slurring a bit. I HAVE gotten to the point where I lose time, but I tend to lose a few minutes, not the amount of time he's saying he remembers NONE of. (Maybe I should be insulted. I'm not memorable? XD)

So. Yeah. -sigh- I'm kinda over it now. It really did help to write it all out and examine it since I KNOW I was in the wrong.

[pappyld04]

You weren't the only one in the wrong here and he needs to take responsibility for his own part in this. Whether there are legal charges brought or not he still needs to face the music. If he claims to forget these things then he needs to be locked up before he does worse to someone else!

[masquedxangel]

No legal charges. I'm not going through the hassle for something so small that was started by my playful idiocy anyway. -sigh-

[synirr]

I think what he needs is a beat-down delivered by a friend of yours . That'll fix him right up!

[masquedxangel]

Fuck that if there's gonna be a beatdown *I* can deliver it. LOL!

[Tyger]

Please remember, that I mean this in the nicest and most respectful ways possible. I too am a survivor of being raped. So, I say this with understanding.

You were assaulted for sure. Drunk or not, he had no right to continue if you said no. However, and, yes, you've taken responsibility for your actions, but, after saying NO, you went a little further, stripping, letting him lay down with you, and hinting that you could be horny, well, it's no wonder he kept trying. Once NO is said, and he persisted, you should have slapped him, slammed him in the face, screamed at him, or whatever.

There was someone else in the apartment for you to run too, and you were very lucky for that. I'm sure if you had screamed HELP, that other guy would've come running to find out what was happening.

Keeping the NO still in play. Allowing him to push further, even with no responses, definitely gives a mixed signal that many women play as "games" to tease and get their lovers excited. He may have thought you were playing with him, from the sounds of it. You were teasing him. He may have been a bit more persistent because he was drunk, but the excuse of not remembering....well if he was that insistent, he remembers.

Say NO, stand firm, mean it. Don't put yourself in these sorts of situations and then wonder WTF happened. Just because this guy may be one that hangs out with your group of friends, don't assume that he's like them, responds like them, and has the same POVs as them. Everyone's different. Don't automatically give a lot of trust to anyone you just meet.

From your friend's response, it sounds like he (the one that assaulted you) has been accused of this before. Now, if your friend was a real friend, he would've forwarned you about that ahead of time. However, guys try to stick together, and get the notches on their belts (not all though). Sounds like you need to tell your friend that one time of being accused can be a mistake, 2 is too much of a coincidence and that he should rethink where his loyalties lay, in case HE gets accused as well.

Being drunk is NO excuse. He assaulted you. Flirting is fun, however, once a line's been crossed, don't allow an inch, cuz some guys will try to force a mile.

[froggystyle1977]

I have to agree with Tyger. You did not make yourself clear to this boy at all and should

have. he saw it as you were playing with him. If you don't want to have sex or makeout

with someone willingly taking your clothes off is not the way to show them or tell them. I

am not saying you asked for it just that if you ever get caught in that type of situation

again (and I hope you don't) you have to be clear.

He assaulted you and shouldn't think he got away with it. The person who probably reported

it was most likely in the apartment that night and may have known this guy to be overly

aggressive and knew he had done similar things before.

As far as your so called friend goes he isn'ta friend to anyone, To say that he is not sure if

his other friend is raped because she sleeps around is BS. Anyone can be raped!! I would

stay away from this group if I were you. obviosly they have a boys club mentality and its one

that can get more dangerous.

Good luck I hope you feeling better I have been through similar things myself many worse

then yours so if you want to PM me feel free.

[masquedxangel]

I'm befuddled by the facts you people keep making up lol. We were in a dorm - so we were literally in a big building with a bunch of different rooms. Eleven guys on the first floor, twelve girls on the second and twelve more on the third. If I'd started screaming at 3 in the morning I guarantee there would have been someone in there. I didn't feel this needed to be screamed about... I was trying to be nice because I was literally so worn out from the asthma attack that I didn't WANT to get up and leave and be all dramatic. It wasn't until he finally made it clear that he wasn't going to stop that I finally left the room when all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

He isn't a theatre major. That's what I'm trying to say - I am, and the people I'm around all day are, but he was invited to the party as a friend of another major and has been twice before so while I've been around him a few times he isn't a major and obviously doesn't think like we do. We see one another nude or in underclothing soooo often because of shows and standing around in the changing room that we don't really care. It's nothing interesting, and teasing like that is harmless play. However, this guy didn't play by the same rules which was my mistake in the scenario -- I assumed he did.

Again, I didn't have to hurt him in any way to escape the situation. Therefore I don't feel it has to be reported to any authorities; I wasn't trapped and I think he only forced me because he figured I'd turn into a ball of hormones (this guy SERIOUSLY has a high opinion of his abilities o.0) and get into what he wanted.

I was beyond drinking in moderation - I was sobered up by then. I'd had plenty of water, and I'd only had enough to make me tipsy pre-asthma anyway. So my alcohol wasn't at all the problem and I'm still not sure his was. I seriously think this guy is just so damn sure of his ability to make women melt that he wasn't trying to assault me - he was trying to make me get all lost in the moment or something. His attitude was fascinating.

[pappyld04]

I wasn't trapped and I think he only FORCED me because....

If this doesn't say it nothing will!!!!!!!

[masquedxangel]

Forced wasn't the right word perhaps...pushed me maybe? I dunno. I'm not even sure why I related the story anymore. x.x

[Tyger]

OK, to clarify, you said "my building" which, usually means apartment, so I had no clue it was a DORM, no big deal. But you DID say that you went to your friend's room, so I thought you meant the same apartment. Again, just going by what was said, you weren't specific enough to really warrant a big deal on that point.

You said that you'd joked with him about being horny before, and that you'd joked with your friends, the theatre majors, so, again, it was just an assumption. Not trying to make up "facts", but just going by what was written.

By all means, it's fine that you wanted to rant, you are definitely entitled. But, please remember, protecting yourself is in NO way causing DRAMA, it's self-preservation, and you don't have to worry about offending anyone in doing so, because, if they get offended by that, it's THEIR problem!

I have asthma, and it can be very draining, but always protect yourself, and stay safe.

[synirr]

Forced wasn't the right word perhaps...pushed me maybe? I dunno. I'm not even sure why I related the story anymore. x.x

...Pushed is better?

That's what I was trying to say on UB. No matter how you slice it, what he did wasn't right.

[Tyger]

^--Exactly!

[square]

I hear a lot of people claiming that they were too drunk to remember what happened. IMHO, THIS IS BULLSHIT! I've been drunker than Cooter Brown many times and never forgot anything that happened. At times it took someone mentioning the incident to make me remember it but using the old "I was too drunk to remember" excuse is just avoiding taking respomsibility for your actions.

Not to go off topic here, but it is possible to be too drunk to remember. Happened to me 3 times back in college days. I didn't pass out, but did black out. It was very disconcerting, especially the first time, to have people the next day telling me about my antics and about putting me to bed. And without any recollection at all past a certain point in the evening. I don't recommend it.

But it is a falling-down drunk, barely able to stand up, takes literally 5 or 10 minutes to get back up when you do fall down, etc. Doesn't sound like the fine young gentleman in this story was anywhere near that drunk.

[pappyld04]

Just my thought here but black-outs fall into a far different category.

[pappyld04]

Mandie I know it seems that everyone is jumping on you about this. Regardless of how you handle this it should be made clear to this person that he should do something about the way he thinks about women and treats them under these same circumstances. I think everyone here has your best interest in mind. I hope you will see it this way!

[TonboMidori]

Honey, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but he did assault you. You said in your original post that you said 'no' multiple times. He should have respected that. Also, you keep saying that you didn't have to use your martial arts training to defend yourself, so you didn't have to report it. What about the next girl he tries to 'turn into a ball of hormones'? She may not have training to fall back on. All she has is the word 'no' and since he doesn't seem to comprehend that word... well, fill in the blank.

To be perfectly honest, what he did may legally constitute rape. Where I live, that fact that he put his finger inside you against your will is enough. I'm not trying to jump you about this, believe me. Hey, if you're able to just shake it off, that's your thing. I don't think that's the case, though. You said you initially felt scared and violated. I sounds like you didn't try to downplay it until it became obvious that some people told you not to be a 'drama queen' and started treating you badly. Maybe you could try to use an on-campus counselor. They're meant to be a neutral, safe outlet. Maybe that person can help you out with whatever you decide to do.

Take care of yourself