You Can't Always Get What You Want

[Amylynn920]

I was chatting with a close woman friend of mine the other day. And of course convo went to sex. She's been in a committed relationship for over 25 years. Her husband's sex drive is low to non existant and when they do have sex, he's not doing things she's really wanting to do. In fact a few things he's never done for her, and out right refuses. She was saying that she's had times where she's considered paying an escort for what she wants. I suppose it's no different then man paying for things they want too.

But the convo was about, what is considered cheating. She and I have different views. I don't feel it's cheating. Because she is not getting what she needs and her husband is not willing to provide it. So I guess my question is this:

If you were in a long term committed relationship, perfect in every area except one, a sexual want. And you had no way of fullfilling that want or need with a partner, would you feel that paying for JUST that act (be it Bj, hand job, oral, spanking etc) be cheating?

If there were no other physical aspects of the "date" just the need you wanted. No kissing, hugging etc. Just the "deed"

What are your opinions?

[nosleepnmesa]

A committed relationship is just that, COMMITED!! I believe yes it would be cheating and no I wouldn't do it for any cost. Call me old fashion but cheating is cheating. I would discuss the issue at hand regarding the bedroom problem and if there were no chance of him changing his mind, then that would be okay. I mean she married him and has been married for 25years. I think this is where LOVE and VOWS, override sex.

Sex is a pleasure that is shared between to people and is also adult playtime. Marriage and Commitment is that, I think that if it is such a "BIG" issue then things need to be communicated between them. Then at that point if the pleasure the person seeks is greater then the commitment they made and love they feel, then maybe it is time to reconsider the relationship. To me cheating is cheating. Just my opinion of course.

[cmwise1]

To me cheating is cheating. Just my opinion of course.

IMO, the vows one takes during the ceremony, "forsaking all others" takes precedent over her current situation. There are always toys, etc., for sexual satisfaction, but of course, these aren't better than real sex. I think counseling might be in order...in a loving, committed relationship, two people try to please each other, not flatly refuse to try something new.

[triedntru]

I agree with pinky in that regard. I can see why she would be interested in this, but its still wrong. IMO

[Tyger]

She should ask herself the question, that if she caught her husband doing what she's thinking of doing, would she consider it cheating? The answer is probably yes.

Cheating is cheating. Morally, ethically, and legally, if she does something intimate with someone other than her husband, it is cheating. Some would say that cheating helps relationships, making the couple aware of how good they really have it with their spouses. Others say if you don't get caught, what's the harm?

A surprise STD/pregnancy would be a bit difficult to explain away. She's got to be able to look herself in the mirror and be comfortable with whatever she decides.

If your friend is THAT miserable then she should think about other ways to get satisfaction, including counselling and/or seperation. Being married is a give & take relationship. If her husband's taking, and not giving, and they've been together for 25 yrs, the chances of him changing are slim, not impossible, but slim. After all, it's been this long, and he'd probably think "why change now?" Changing takes time, patience, and a willingness to do so. If he's not willing to even contemplate the thought, then, she either needs to be willing to change her situation, or stay put.

[Amylynn920]

I agree, but they have talked, she's denied him. He's apathetic. And I did pose the what if he did it question, and her answer was "It's not considered cheating since there's no sex involved."

This is good fodder for debate.. so debate away

[Mikayla1]

So why stay married? If this is not a 'physical' problem, meaning he can get it up and CAN use his fingers, tongue, mouth, toys - then it is an emotional issue or a selfish issue. Therefore, why stay married? No marriage is perfect - NO MARRIAGE. Every couple goes through issues, works on problems, makes compromises. However, from my standpoint, going without sex or having my partner say, 'no, I am not gonna do that' means there are greater problems in the marriage.

If this was an issue of medical nature, meaning he has ED, then it would be different, they could work on things together, etc. This seems to be one of two people coming from two separate sides of things. So would it be cheating? Are they still married? Then yes, it is cheating. Whether it is justified is a personal decision. For some, cheating is never justified, for others it can be.

[Amylynn920]

Good points Mikayla, no he does not have ED, just not into anything but sex once every 3 months and he's not adventuresome. She wants to dress up and he is adamant that he won't participate if she does. I told her dress up anyways, but I guess she wants the full participation. They've had many issues on things sexual since day 1, she's very controlling, in all aspects of the relationship. We got on the discussion of "would this be cheating" I suppose my thoughts are that if she does this and the person does not have intercourse with her, then it's not cheating. That and it would not be for a pursuit of looking for love, it's just something she's been wanting to do.

[nosleepnmesa]

I guess my question to this is, if they have had issue on sex since day 1, then why did she marry him if she knew that certain things would never happen? Just a question that came to mind when you said they have had sexual issues since day 1. Sounds like some serious counseling is in action. My original opinions stills stands cheating is cheating.

[Amylynn920]

I guess my question to this is, if they have had issue on sex since day 1, then why did she marry him if she knew that certain things would never happen? Just a question that came to mind when you said they have had sexual issues since day 1. Sounds like some serious counseling is in action. My original opinions stills stands cheating is cheating.

In all honesty, I think at that time she felt no man would want her. She had a b/f before this husband that fathered her two children, was physically abusive of her and then left her.

This man she's married to is a wonderful guy, but apparently they're extremely mismatched in my opinion sexually.

[thurisas]

If she tells him she's doing it before going out to do it, I don't think its cheating. I have to agree with some of the other sentiments, though, if there is no physical attraction then why be together? They're roommates at this point and maybe friends, but what they have isn't a marriage.

Randy.

[ladylove]

cheating is cheating.... either stay married and figure it out or get a divorce and move on with your life

I think the vows one takes during a marriage ceramony are written in stone..... to forsake all etc..

[thurisas]

Ah, but there's the rub, right? Not all marriages have the line "to forsake all" in their vows. How do you judge a relationship where that wasn't specifically said? Is it implied? If so, does that mean that those who don't forsake all others who are of a different life style aren't married? When is it cheating for them? I still stick to the idea that if all parties involved are informed of the decision, it is not cheating.

Randy

[ladylove]

Randy you MUST be a lawyer.....

Yes i get it;

If both parties involed agreed prior to the marriage to have an open marriage, stipulating rules and boundries surrounding said 'open marriage'; than both parties are entitled to do as they will within the boundries of the agreement.

but usually marriages are not open.

[chloegirl]

I agree with you all that breaking the vows of fidelity in marriage is cheating and let's face it....no-one wants to be on the recieving end of betrayal. It is the ultimate slap in the face. But to further the debate I wonder how you can say this is cheating but indulging in threesomes or group activity is not? I'm not saying it's wrong, I just wonder how it can be ok to share your goodies in one situation and not in another even if the other partner is in on it.....after all you are allowing someone other than your spouse to have access to that "sacred" part of the marriage bed and sexual gratification is the bottom line in each situation here. And yes, right or wrong, sometimes the need is just that strong. Just want to hear your ideas.

[Valntyn]

Ah, but there's the rub, right? Not all marriages have the line "to forsake all" in their vows. How do you judge a relationship where that wasn't specifically said? Is it implied? If so, does that mean that those who don't forsake all others who are of a different life style aren't married? When is it cheating for them? I still stick to the idea that if all parties involved are informed of the decision, it is not cheating.

Randy

Same here! I can't add much more to this -- Thur & I have had this conversation in-depth and we're on the same wavelength. He said it all for me, too!

Randy you MUST be a lawyer.....

Yes i get it;

If both parties involed agreed prior to the marriage to have an open marriage, stipulating rules and boundries surrounding said 'open marriage'; than both parties are entitled to do as they will within the boundries of the agreement.

but usually marriages are not open.

*roflrofl* You got us cracking up with the lawyer comment, thanks! As far as "but usually marriages are not open..." All I can say is yes, you are correct, but not all people, thus not all marriages are the same. Every person is different, every person has their own beliefs (religious, political, nutritional, etc., etc.) and so long as they're not hurting anyone should have those beliefs respected (not necessarily believed in by others, just respected).

Once again, the issue of 'cheating' is about hiding something, covering up something, or outright lying about one's sexual activity outside of the consent of the other person(s).

Exactly.

If the couple in question has already discussed everything, has decided they're staying together, have a wonderful relationship otherwise, AND BOTH PARTIES ARE IN-THE-KNOW and OKAY WITH one partner (or both) going elsewhere for the sexual stimulus, no, I don't consider it cheating. My main concerns are 1. if they really have discussed everything and tried to fix any possible reasons for his lack of sex drive and 2. that both parties are in agreement with whatever arrangements they come up with.

If there are other issues (that we don't know about, for example) they refuse to work on or if they're not as rosy-perfect as she says they are, and she's just going off elsewhere behind his back because she's not gettin' it at home, then I don't understand why they're still married and they ought to think about getting out.

[angelkisses98]

i read this post to my hubby, and we both agree that cheating is cheating. he says that if he is going to be that selfish, and meet her at least half way, then they need to separate. AND if he says its "OK" that she seeks it else where, that he really does not care about her anyway.