Sexual Fullfillment

[Amylynn920]

I have read through the forums for the past couple of days, reading and thinking about the people behind the posts.

So many of us are in loving committed relationships. We love our partners so much we would not hesitate to lay our lives down for them, yet how many posts are on here with dissatisfied couples? Many. How odd is that? I'm not talking sexual dysfunction I'm talking sexual dissatisfaction.

Sex, the most natural and loving thing two people can do with each other, and the one thing that has so many issues.

I see posts on oral sex. "She won't blow me" He won't go down on me" " "I can't orgasm with my partner" "I want to use toys, and he feels bad" etc. etc.

And why? Why is it that for the person we love, we aren't willing to express that love because of negative connotations, old thoughts and baggage that we've kept with us?

Why are we not doing the simple things that can make our partners feel complete? Something that doesn't cost money, may take a bit of time investiture, but reap rewards that you've never dreamed of?

What is it that makes people so unwilling to go the extra for our partners that we claim to have deep love and respect for?

I love my husband. I love everything about him. I love his beautiful face, his laugh, his hairy chest, his size 13 feet and the way his nose healed crookedly from kick boxing. I owe my happiness today to this man. He is my world, and my soul mate and there is nothing I would not do for him.

Especially something as simple as a blow job. He does not have to ask me for it, I love doing this for him. He cannot do this one thing himself. He can masturbate, watch porn, read porn and listen to it, but he cannot give himself that one thing that I can.

I have girlfriends that get so upset when the word blow job is mentioned. They make faces, say negative comments and generally throw fits. And the first though that comes to my mind is your poor husband. How do you think saying those things and refusing to do this makes him feel?

I don't understand it. You want this man beside you at night, he would do anything to make you happy and keep you safe, and you won't put your mouth on his penis.

Why? Does it embarrass you? Does it make you feel like a slut? Do only bad girls do this? Well, good girls do and for the longest time those of us that do, were looked upon as sluts, tramps you name it by our fellow sisters. We are women. We have power. With this power we bind our men closer to us than you can imagine. So throw those words away. They are words, and they don't make the woman you are.

Why are you afraid to talk about sex with your partner? Why can't you say the words you need to say, to ask for what you need? They are only that. Words. And by speaking them you can open doors that were shut before. No one should have closed doors or walls in a relationship. By talking and discussing you can draw your partner in close, and by doing that the bonds strengthen between you.

Why can't you orgasm with your partner? This is your body. You have control. You live inside your skin and you know first hand how you feel. Why can't you show your partner? They aren't a mind reader. They don't know what you need. And no, they shouldn't "just know". No one can "just know". Can you scratch your butt in front of your partner? If you can do that, you can show them what you need to bring yourself off. You don't look silly, they aren't looking at that. They are watching your hands and getting off on seeing you in total ecstasy. They are getting off that you are sharing this.

Why can't you talk to your partner about what you need? If you went to a shop specifically needing something you couldn't find, you'd ask for it from someone that could get it for you wouldn't you? Why can't you sit your partner down and be honest? Because you feel embarrassed? About what? These are your needs. Without communication you won't get results.

You're wasting time. Precious time that could be spent loving each other sexually.

So please, sit down with your partner, talk, and talk some more. And listen to your partner. They are imparting their needs and thoughts to you and the most loving thing you can do is care enough to listen and make the effort to make yourself and your partner happy. That's what loving and caring is. It's about the two of you. And you want it to be the best it can be for both of you, don't you?

[ToyQueen]

Very well put, Aiden. As I have aged, and survived two failed marriages, I can see that some of my attitudes were unfair to the men I married. If I were to do it over again, I would change some of those things....

[Amylynn920]

Very well put, Aiden. As I have aged, and survived two failed marriages, I can see that some of my attitudes were unfair to the men I married. If I were to do it over again, I would change some of those things....

But the point is you learned, and it's never too late. Never.

[ToyQueen]

But the point is you learned, and it's never too late. Never.

Well, I have learned, but in order for it to not be too late, I would have to be in a relationship. Since that doesn't seem possible, it might be too late...

I just hope that someone here can learn from my mistakes before it is too late for their relationship.

[vanilla_bean]

Aiden you are wise. Why indeed. I don't know why it was so hard for me to do most of those things for so long. It wasn't because I didn't love my husband. It had a lot to do with feeling unattractive, self conscience, worn out. I felt very vulnerable at first. I was offering my imperfect self and fear of rejection was huge. I still have a problem initiating sex sometimes. Now I feel like I've been given another chance and I'm having the time of my life. I wish I could help others who are stuck where I used to be, but I haven't found exactly how yet. My husband is always encouraging me, saying my experiences could help others. I hope I can do that some day. Thanks for posing these questions and insights.

[cmwise1]

Wonderful article, thoughtful and compelling. Why we do the things we do can be a mystery, but trying to work out the how's and why's can be challenging and move people out of their comfort zone. It takes courage to go there. It is a strong person who can engage their partner in some serious talk, but both come out the better for it.

[Valntyn]

I was offering my imperfect self and fear of rejection was huge.

I think this one sentence would sum it up for many people. I know it struck-home for me.

Beautifully worded post, Aiden. Definitely one that will stay with me and help me to continuously challenge myself to break-out of whatever rut I may be in at any particular time.

[toohotcatmom]

Very though provoking - but it's not as easy for some as others. Unfortunately some, like myself, have a lifetime of issues to overcome and it takes time. Personally I've made huge steps lately and my husband and I have had many meaningful talks about our sex life - and our marriage in general - but we've been together 27+ years too. Maybe I'm wasting time or we're wasting time, but the pace seems right for us - and every day I stop and marvel at the man I love and that loves me.....

[sun_flower969]

Aiden: These are your needs. Without communication you won't get results.

AMEN sista! Though it is hard to overcome hangups... it is not impossible. I am living proof! I was the one who would give my husband head once in a while. I didn't really like to do it and I just felt that it was embarrassing! Now I love it! it's crazy! I swear sometimes I could get off doing that to him. He gets so hard... anyway! Communication is KEY! I was just saying this to My husband the other day. Why is sex so taboo? It is a natural part of life. People don't talk about it, they are weird about trying new things etc. Everyone has basic needs right? You need to eat, you need to sleep, you need to be clean. Well sex is a basic need too so why not express it??? In some countries in Europe, they are much more free with sexual expression. It is just accepted as natural. Not taboo or sinful. Honestly I think it is religion that has gotten us into this mess! Most of us need to re think our sexuality before we can truly be fulfilled or satisfy another person. I hope I can raise my children differently around this! I don't want them to be crazy but I also don't want my daughters to be deprived of real sexual fulfillment because they feel embarrassed or guilty, like I did for too many years!!

[vanilla_bean]

Aiden: These are your needs. Without communication you won't get results.

I hope I can raise my children differently around this! I don't want them to be crazy but I also don't want my daughters to be deprived of real sexual fulfillment because they feel embarrassed or guilty, like I did for too many years!!

You are SO right. My husband and I have talked about this too. The next step is to try to be a sex positive parent so that my girls can have happy healthy sex lives. It doesn't always come naturally, but I'm determined to do my best. How's it going for you?

[sun_flower969]

You are SO right. My husband and I have talked about this too. The next step is to try to be a sex positive parent so that my girls can have happy healthy sex lives. It doesn't always come naturally, but I'm determined to do my best. How's it going for you?

Hey Van, (can I say Van? It sounds cool) It is going OK but they are only 4 and 5 so it's a bit early. So far they have both started to explore themselves if you know what i mean and I am trying to be OK with it. Telling them it's OK but they need to do it in private etc. I guess we'll see how it goes as years pass!

[OPL Laundry Goddess]

The next step is to try to be a sex positive parent so that my girls can have happy healthy sex lives. It doesn't always come naturally, but I'm determined to do my best.

This was a huge issue for me. I was rasied in a "good girls don't" household and it took nearly two decades for me to loosen up with my own husband. Many times it is still a conscience choice to push myself when the brainwashed insides want to hold me back. I can say, however, I feel really good about the choices we've made in the sex positive parenting category. I've pushed beyond the comfort zone to speak openly and candidly with our children on all "natural" subjects including sex, tolerance, and being non judgemental to those who are different.

Has anyone seen those really cool COEXIST bumper stickers?

~LG

[vanilla_bean]

Hey Van, (can I say Van? It sounds cool) It is going OK but they are only 4 and 5 so it's a bit early. So far they have both started to explore themselves if you know what i mean and I am trying to be OK with it. Telling them it's OK but they need to do it in private etc. I guess we'll see how it goes as years pass!

Of course you can call me Van. Reminds me of Van Morrison (Van, Van he's my man. Holla Brown Eyed Girl).

I think starting at the age your kids are at will be the best way. Now that my kids are teenagers they talk to me about stuff that I never would have mentioned in my childhood home.

Laundry Goddess- good for you and I LOVE that bumper sticker!

[Mikayla1]

Aiden,

This was a very well thought out article, and brings up many of the exact subjects we talk about most on the forum. You are right on about these things. There are many established couples on this site (and all over) who love and respect each other but just 'won't' - won't do this, won't suck that, won't have sex but twice a year. You are so correct - WHY is this?????

Why do we make the decision to NOT give a blow job? How can we decide that it is OK for HIM to go down on US, but we can't or won't go down on HIM? Or, why is it OK for her to suck us off, but we don't have to do her? There is a total disconnect between people now. They are unable or unwilling to share sexual wants and needs or even broach the subject of sexual unhappiness. Why is this?

It is my wish that those persons who come here and read all the excellent advice from our posters will see that is is OK to discuss things with our SO. It is OK to want sex, need oral sex, want more foreplay. It is not OK to live our lives being so immensely unhappy. It is really our duty to ourselves to try and make our significant other value hat we need and want - and to value what he or she needs and wants in return.

Very nice article Aiden...

[Valntyn]

No, I haven't seen these before.. I LOVE it! Thanks so much for posting this, LG!

[ladylove]

That was a beautiful and heartfelt article; I couldn't agree with you more.

Thank you Aiden

[vanilla_bean]

Oh Iha, your situation breaks my heart. I feel like I've posted so much about my own "awakening" that I even make myself throw up a little bit. What you have done far surpasses anything my SO needed to do to get me to reevaluate things.

Have you tried counseling? It's obvious that you love her, but also that you're unhappy. Tough spot.

If I could talk to her I would tell her about all the things she's missing out on: more fun than she's ever know, greater intimacy than she's ever know, more self confidence, maybe less sleep but oh well. Send her up here and we'll chat.

I guess I'm not offering any answer, but you are a kind, loving person and you deserve happiness. It's not how you feel about her, but how she feels about herself that holds her back and there's only so much you can do about that. I would love for her to open up and embrace the loving man who's waiting for her. Sigh.

[toohotcatmom]

Nicely put Vanilla_Bean.

I agree Iha, if I could talk to her I'd tell her there is so much she's missing but the biggest thing she's missing is the intimate emotional connection you two would have...that's the best "side effect" of sex for me. Plus our entire marriage - every aspect - has improved simply because I'm embracing my sexuality at long last - and therefore he is as well. Anything I can do to help...let me know.

You're a sweetie - and I love the poems you've written....read them on your member page...

[sun_flower969]

I have read many posts by women who state that they too, once were reticent to change and grow sexually, and the fact that they 'came to' and finally 'got it'....but they do not say HOW that happened and what motivated them...if that could be articulated in a clear and powerful fashion, it could perhaps help people like my SO (and of course, by extension, myself and other 'waiting' partners.

Well Iha, I am not sure exactly what happened with me. I do know that his attention played a huge part in helping me let go. My self esteem has always been a problem, him telling me how beautiful I am to him, sexy and desirable over anyone else makes me feel sexy. He makes comments about me in public, whispering in my ear. It really makes me feel confident, wanted. I wish I knew what she was thinking. What are you looking for from her exactly? What is she reluctant to do? What does she tell you she is feeling about the whole thing? My husband and I have also gone through a really hard and emotional time recently. I think the prospect of us losing each other has helped me to "let go" a little more as well. Sometimes it takes something extreme to make a person change. Hopefully you will not have to get to that point, but she should know it could conceivably be a real issue. I would suggest counseling, really. if she isn't listening to you maybe she will listen to someone else, find a woman counselor, that would probably be beneficial.

[Mikayla1]

I have been thinking about this post a lot. I think it is so important to discuss and think about this. Even those of us in relationships that 'seem' secure may not always have been. I attacked this question on my blog today (www.wickedbed.com) and now I am gonna post this here too, cause my ramblings and semi-coherent thoughts may help a little:

Today's post is going to be a bit more somber than some of my previous posts. I was reading a post on the discussion forum on the site I review sex toys for (www.tootimid.com) and I was struck by this particular post regarding sexual satisfaction. Particular, this poster wrote a bit of an essay on why couples become sexually disconnected. Why do some women refuse to give a blowjob? Or, why do some men demand blowjobs but refuse to eat pussy? Or, why do couples go months even years without sex?? It seems as though these couples are in a massive sexual disconnect and do not know why.

Most couples begin their relationships or marriages giving a fair amount of effort toward the success of the relationship. They are sexually charged, hot and horny for the other, eager to please and BE pleased. This 'honeymoon' period can last for a few years, or a few months. What happens in a relationship to cause this eager-to-please attitude to end? For some couples, it could be children, stress, careers or school demands. Claiming exhaustion of loss of time as the 'reason' for the disconnect. Is this really valid? Is this a true reason for disconnecting from your partner? I submit that it isn't. I have a job (3, actually), I have 2 children under 7, I have responsibilities, money issues, housework - yet, I MAKE time to connect with my hubby on a sexual and intimate level. Sometimes this means a quickie - sometimes it means a marathon session - but it means that we stay connected with each other in this important manner.

Does this mean that we have ALWAYS had this kind of relationship? No, of course not. Every couple goes through issues, stagnet times, disconnection. We did, for a few years. We were submerged in careers and a new child. We made excuses that we just didn't have time. We started becoming separate entities living in the same household. I didn't like being like this - it felt unnatural to me to be this diconnected. I decided that I had to change it. I talked to my hubby about 'sex dates' and making time to have fun in the bedroom. At first, it was hard, it took effort - but soon it was an expected and welcomed retreat from our lives. It is not something that either one of us is going to let fall by the wayside again - we are in it for the long haul and committed to our relationship - sexually and otherwise.

Another important key to our sexual success is that we are not willing to let the other do all the work. I would never expect him to eat my pussy if I weren't willing to give him head. I would never lie there like a blow-up doll and not get emotionally and physically invested in our sex. I don't expect him to initiate sex all the time - nor do I expect to have the same 'type' of sex all the time. I believe (and it works for me) that keeping sex a constantly evolving entity is essential to making sex new and exciting. I mean, come on people, if you are with the same person over and over and can't change THEM, then what do you change? Location, positions, the 'format' of your sex - bring in toys, wear sexy lingerie, take showers together. NEVER make it a programmed event. Always be spontaneous and open to ideas and suggestions from your lover. Be able to indulge in their fantasies, and be willing to discuss your own. It is a fluid condition that you have to be prepared to move with.

What happens when you and your partner are on totally different sexual wavelengths? What if you have a super high sex drive but your partner does not? Let's face it, we all go through high and low times when it comes to sex drive. We can be influenced by any number of factors - age, medicines, hormonal imbalances, stress - and any or all of them can kill or numb our sex drives. How do we attack an issue of imbalance as opposed of lack of desire. We may want in our minds and hearts to have sex - but our bodies rebel against us and we end up not enjoying sex or having sex for sex's sake. This can never be good. The first step has got to be analyzing the reasons why our libido has left.

People (men and women) have to be willing to ask their doctors about reasons they may not have libido. There are options to regaining libido and sexual interest. If you CARE enough to go and find out. The basic premise here is that if you are in a relationship and care about that person - you should care about your intimate life. As in anything worth having in life, relationships take effort. I feel that when we decide (and it is a decision) to stop trying, that we have just given up on the other person - not the relationship. We are in essence saying "you are not worth the effort" which is a sad proposition. When do things in a relationship get so bad that we just give up? How can we live with another person in marriage or commitment and NOT be intimate with them? How do we expect them to react to our disconection? Should one person carry the burden of a relationship entirely on his or her shoulders? Of course not, marriage is hard enough with TWO people.

My point here - when we commit to another person and decide to be intimate - it is our obligation to be open, honest and forthcoming with that person. We need to let them know when we are feeling disconnected and need more from them. Barring any serious reason for falling apart (emotional or physical abuse for example) couples need to work to stay together. Oh, and as a side note, withholding sex or alienating affection in general IS emotional abuse! If you have a partner who is doing this - what do you do?

This is a common problem - where one person in the relationship is constantly seeking answers to WHY: Why doesn't she want to have sex? Why won't he eat me out? Why do we go months before having sex? Why is he not interested in me anymore sexually? It is usually not both people seeking these answers. What is the solution? COnversation. Have an honest conversation with your partner and tell them what you NEED. Sure, you want sex - but let's be honest here, sex is a need in a relationship. It is a connection to another person that can not be replaced or replicated by anything else. Sex is a necessary component to any healthy relationship.

So, what happens when you have HAD the conversation - many times - and he or she says "I will try" (and then doesn't) or "I can't figure out what is wrong" (and leaves it there) or "I am not interested in sex anymore" (and doesn't seem to be bothered by that). How can one person handle the burden of those answers? What does it mean when your mate says, "I just don't want sex," like that is supposed to be OK that sex is off the table? I do not understand these persons who accept these answers. Why settle or agree to a sexless relationship? Or, why commit yourself to a sexless relationship? Why is it OK to think of ourselves as being asexual for the remainder of our relationship? Truthfully, it isn't OK. It is NOT OK!

We should not take this as the final say (neither partner should) there has to be ways to increase sexual desire and revamp sexual interest. Even couples who are having sex and it is not frequent enough or couples where one person is having sex but not enjoying it. There is a world of information and ideas floating out there. Websites, discussion forums, counselors, marriage classes, sex classes (yes), medicinal options for men AND women. It is not a self-fullfilling prophesy to be sexless or have no interest in sex just because you THINK you are destined to. You CAN and SHOULD seek answers. You SHOULD know that you don't have to and shouldn't check the 'optional' box when it comes to sex. You are entitled to sexual fullfillment - and should ENJOY it. Truly, why do people accept sexual disconnection as the last word?

I could go on and on and on and never give a concrete answer. There really isn't ONE answer to this dilemma, It is really a collection of wants, desires, ability, willingness and need to fix it. It is not up to the partner who WANTS the change to fix it - but ultimately, up to the partner who is not interested in sex. It is a self-realization that has to happen. Similar to a smoker and non-smoker living together. One wants the other to quit - the other doesn't want to quit. It comes between them and becomes a tense subject of contention. Can the non-smoker MAKE the smoker quit? Will talking about it make the smoker want to quit or want to smoke MORE? It has to come from the smoker that he or she is ready and willing to at least TRY to quit. The same goes for sex. If one partner wants the other to have sex, and the other doesn't want to - how do we change the mindset of the one with the issue? Can you? Can any amount of talking remedy this?

I think that the key is to inform your partner that you NEED and WANT THEM to be happy. You want and need to pleasure them as much as you want and NEED to be pleasured yourself. It has to be presented in such a manner that both partners know that the other wants what is best and most-fullfilling for BOTH partners. Simply sating what YOU want is not going to cause a mind-shift in the other person. There has to be a realization of that person's unhappiness. There has to be acknowledgement that it is not OK to be that way. IF that person is not able or wiling to see that for themself, then change is never going to occur.

Self-enlightenment is not easy - and in many it is impossible. Knowing what truly lies in one's own heart is more difficult than knowing what lies in the heart of another. So, if there is any answer worth giving when it comes to this depressing and wide spread phenomenon, it is getting the other person to engage in self-evaluation and self-enlightment. If we can show the person we love that they are truly not content, not happy, not sexually fullfilled then perhaps there is the slightest chance that they may look to find answers on their own behalf. For at the end of the day the only person we are truly 'in bed with' is ourselves and our own revelations and thoughts.

[vanilla_bean]

Mikayla- once again excellent advice and insights. It did make me feel guilty for the time I spent with blinders on hoping my problems would go away instead of making the effort to resolve them. Things are so much better now though.

Iha, I don't think that there is any silver bullet for your situation, but maybe if we knew more something might switch on a light bulb.

Can you and your wife talk about other tricky things in your marriage? Finances? Parenting? Whatever?

Do you hold hands? Cuddle? How shut down is she?

Is this situation new or has it always been like this?

Does she have medical concerns? Meds? Depression? Menopause?

Do you have common interests that don't involve sex?

This might seem harsh but- does she love you?

Knowing where you're really at might help us make suggestions.

It occurs to me that there was one other thing that helped me when i was on my shaky road to opening up sexually. I would think of our bedroom as a place away from the rest of the world. The things that happened there were just meant for the two of us and the rest of the world didn't exist when we we playing, exploring. I visualized an imaginary tent over our whole room. Now I'm on here blabbing about it.

If there's anything I can do let me know. If you get to the point where she has specific questions there is a whole pack of us here who would be willing to try to answer them. Or she could ask them through you.