Passion

[lktmtnmomof2]

Hi all, I am new to this forum. Just wanted to ask if anyone out there besides me has problems telling their husbands they need more out of their sex lives? To make a long story short, we met when I was 14, he was 16. Married by the time I was 18, he was 20. Fast forward to being married now for 16 years. My DH is the only man I have ever kissed, or been intimate with and I have never had a problem with our sex lives until the past year. I read about other woman and their sex drives kicking in and going into overdrive and I would have to agree. He says he is having a hard time keeping up with me and that he is not 18 anymore. To which I say you are only 36, what man would turn down a chance to have sex with his wife at least every couple of days??? He says he doesn't see a problem but I am starting to feel a little desperate for some passion IN our marriage. Help!!!

[angelkisses98]

i was where you were not to long ago...my ex was super vanilla, and every time i asked for something new i was told i was a freak...there was something wrong with me ect. it was missionary...hop on hop off...

fast forward to now. it took me over 4 years to get the nerve up to ask my hubby for something that i have always wanted. i was terrified...but my hubby is wonderful, and will do anything to make me happy. even if its not his favorite "thing" to do in the bedroom.

sit him down outside the bedroom. be open and honest. tell him how you feel. that you would like to try this..or ask him if he could please to this. do not tell him what to do, or tell him you dont do this right...every now and then my hubby needs a reminder. ask him if theres anythign special you could do or he wants to try. you will prob. get what most of us ladies get and thats an i dont know..or i have lived all my fantasies with you.

try some new lingerie, or a fun sexy game

[Mikayla1]

Pick up the book: 'Passionate Marriage' by David Schnarch.

Hey Iha, is Schnarch giving you a kickback for recommending that book? I have read it, and while it will be helpful in ways, it won't be the total fixer-upper that she needs.

I am all for reading books, but this gal needs some conversation too. Listen, you were young whenyou got married, you have only been with HIM. This is not a problem, in fact, it is very sweet. However, a lack of 'passion' and a lack of 'sex' are different. When you make love, is it caring, passionate, loving? Or, do you equate passion = sex?

Let me know what you mean, exactly, and I can formulate a better answer!

[lktmtnmomof2]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. Mikayla,I guess I do kind of equate passion with sex. It seems our problem ( or mine) is both. Lack of sex and passion. He can go for a week, sometimes two at a time without. When we do have sex, I try to let him initiate it because I was feeling like I was constantly trying to. I bought the book The Great American Sex Diet because you and your partner are supposed to get a calendar and each of you pick like 2 days you are going to be responsible for initiating and coming up with how it is going to go down. It was a wonderful month. We taped the calendar to the back of our closet door and I got a kick out of reading what clues he left for me for Tuesday night when it was his turn. But after that month the calendar got took down and never put back up. I feel like he has gotten used to me to the point that he does the same thing every time. I can almost write it down. We have really had some in depth discussions about it. He says the books I am buying make him feel like nothing he does is right. I think that puts him off. I was just trying to spice things up. I have bought lingerie, we have done the cool whip thing, etc. We even subscribed to Playboy channel for a couple of months but it just seemed after a while it was all the same. I rented a room with a hot tub for our 16th anniversary and surprised him at work and picked him up. I had packed lingerie ,some wine coolers, candles, massage oil. After the hot tub I offered to rub his back with oil. There we were naked and he fell asleep. I am talking he didn't wake up until 6:00 the next morning. Sure, he tried to make it up to me then but by then I was hurt and not feeling it.Of course when you feel like you have to beg your husband for sex or affection you get to thinking you are doing something wrong, or you don't look like you used to. (who does after being together for 20 years??). He says that is not the problem, and jokes about the guy at the store in line that was checking me out until he got the look from my DH. I want him to walk in the door, grab me and start making out with me like there is no tomorrow. I am talking about tearing each others clothes off and doing it up against the wall because we can't make it to the bed passion!!!!Where did it go?? I am sorry I went off and wrote a novel. I am just trying to figure this thing out before I lose all interest and bury my sexuality so deep he will never have to worry about keeping up with me.

[sun_flower969]

Hi all, I am new to this forum. Just wanted to ask if anyone out there besides me has problems telling their husbands they need more out of their sex lives? To make a long story short, we met when I was 14, he was 16. Married by the time I was 18, he was 20. Fast forward to being married now for 16 years. My DH is the only man I have ever kissed, or been intimate with and I have never had a problem with our sex lives until the past year. I read about other woman and their sex drives kicking in and going into overdrive and I would have to agree. He says he is having a hard time keeping up with me and that he is not 18 anymore. To which I say you are only 36, what man would turn down a chance to have sex with his wife at least every couple of days??? He says he doesn't see a problem but I am starting to feel a little desperate for some passion IN our marriage. Help!!!

This same thing is happening to my friend right now. He is just not as into sex as she is. He was her first also... Is it possible that maybe he feels insecure about whether he can measure up to your expectations. As in the case of my friend. He has a very stressful job. He is athletic and it seems as if he fills up his time with all these things instead of private time with her. My suggestion to you would be, ask him what his fantasies are and try to indulge him in some. I bet that would warm him up! We recently made a video which was a long time fantasy of my husbands! LOVED it! Whether it be lingerie, role playing or whatever else. It could ignite a new spark! Good luck to you keep us posted!

[Mikayla1]

Oh Iha, the book is worth the read, but even I, a total advocate of reading and learning, knows that books don't always save the world.....your advice is ALWAYS welcome and usually spot on!!!

Lack of sex and passion. He can go for a week, sometimes two at a time without.

In the scope of a healthy marriage, once a week is about the average, and in today's stressful world, once every 2 weeks seems more the norm. What does this mean? Well, he is not abnormal in his desire. Does he masturbate? Is he getting sexual release in other manners (porn, books, toys?)

When we do have sex, I try to let him initiate it because I was feeling like I was constantly trying to.

While I COMPLETELY understand this concept, we have to remember that men LOVE to have their woman initiate sex. It makes them feel desired, just like we feel desired when our men approach us. It should never be up to one person - it should be a joint venture. Also, it is a lot of pressure on him to initiate all the time, picking up hints and such - and it is pressure on you. When you want sex and you are waiting for him to pick up the clues....well, then you just feel the clock ticking away! Initiate sex too - the more sex he has, the more he will want.

I bought the book The Great American Sex Diet because you and your partner are supposed to get a calendar and each of you pick like 2 days you are going to be responsible for initiating and coming up with how it is going to go down. It was a wonderful month. We taped the calendar to the back of our closet door and I got a kick out of reading what clues he left for me for Tuesday night when it was his turn. But after that month the calendar got took down and never put back up.

While aids like this are wonderful for revamping a sex life - I am a firm believer in NEVER relying on the same techniques over and over. I suggest switching it up. Try the calendar for a month - then try something else - then go back to the calendar. Also, I feel that planned sex can get too....well, planned. Too much pressure.

He says the books I am buying make him feel like nothing he does is right. I think that puts him off. I was just trying to spice things up.

And BINGO was his Name-O! Men do not want to feel like they are inadequate sexually. This is a very, very big issue in many marriages. "oh, what, we need this dude telling us when and how to have sex?' Or 'you must find me boring in bed, why try!' Men have big egos, and we kind of kill their egos when we constantly tell them what they can do better. Even in the best light, most men do not take these kinds of things well. So, you get the literature, watch the shows, rent the movies, and then take the tips and use them - but don't TELL him what you are doing. It will go over much better.

I rented a room with a hot tub for our 16th anniversary and surprised him at work and picked him up. I had packed lingerie ,some wine coolers, candles, massage oil. After the hot tub I offered to rub his back with oil. There we were naked and he fell asleep.

Does he have a stressful job? Is he in shape? Does he exercise? Sounds like he was very, very relaxed. This is a good thing. What you should have done is let him sleep an hour or two, get refreshed, and then given him a good BJ to wake him up! Or, jumped in the shower with him in the morning. The weekend wasn't ruined because he fell asleep. Also, this doesn't have anything to do with you or your sexiness. It was relaxing to him - and I get that.

Of course when you feel like you have to beg your husband for sex or affection you get to thinking you are doing something wrong, or you don't look like you used to. (who does after being together for 20 years??).

This is common too. Why do women look for validation from their partners? Do YOU feel sexy? Do YOU feel like you are a good, kind, intelligent, funny woman? Don't let HIM validate you - validate yourself. Get the confidence from that validation and he will notice. Self assurance is the most sexy quality we all can have. You are probably just as attractive to him as you were years ago - men are not as shallow as we make them seem.

I want him to walk in the door, grab me and start making out with me like there is no tomorrow. I am talking about tearing each others clothes off and doing it up against the wall because we can't make it to the bed passion!!!!

First, did you ever do that before? Has your relationship had that kind of heat previously? If so, then hey, do it. Push HIM on the wall. Grab HIS cock in the bathroom. Do it TO HIM. Why wait. If you have not had that kind of relationship before, what makes you think it will happen now? You can't expect a 180 to happen overnight. In either case, you can find ways to make that work.

You can be the one he wants, needs, desires. You can do it all without books, lingerie or even sex toys. How? BE who and what you want to be. Be confident, approach him for sex. Leave him little notes, kiss him unexpectedly, tell him how much you value him and love him. Call him just to ask if he would like anything special for dinner. Show him what you want, and then let him take the lead.

Now, I am not suggesting you become some sort of happy housemaid - serving his every whim - I am just saying, pamper him a bit and show him what you want instead of expecting him to be a mind reader - he isn't - no man is. If you are horny and want sex, join him in the shower, give him a little BJ, jump out of the shower before it is done and see what happens! Kiss him at the door passionately. Take nude pictures of your breasts or pussy and text him the pics. Find ways to spice it up and see if he takes the lead!

[lktmtnmomof2]

Thanks for the advice everyone. He does have a stressful job and I try to take that into account. We are both physically active and in decent fit shape. I guess sometimes I do have too high expectations. We have never done it up against the wall. I am thinking that is why I want him to do it. You are right, I will just have to let him know that that would do wonderful things for me ( and hopefully him ). He does try sometimes to make it different. This past Friday night our kids were away with friends for the night and we went to dinner and then found somewhere to pull over on the way home. It was not what we usually do which was a good thing. Every since then when I get in the truck and remember what we did it turns me on like crazy. I have hesitated buying any toys because I was afraid of what he would think. Is it a good idea to show him this web site and ask him to surprise me with something?? Or should I buy something and surprise him with it?? I love going down on him and that is no problem. Actually, maybe he is kind of spoiled in that way because I really can't think of a time we have done it and I haven't . He seems to really like that. But, he never goes down on me. I can only think of maybe a couple of times that he has. Is that something you should come right out and say "Hey would you???), or is that taboo?? I am very thankful for this site. Who else can you ask this stuff to?? It's great. I look forward to your replies.

[sun_flower969]

Thanks for the advice everyone. He does have a stressful job and I try to take that into account. We are both physically active and in decent fit shape. I guess sometimes I do have too high expectations. We have never done it up against the wall. I am thinking that is why I want him to do it. You are right, I will just have to let him know that that would do wonderful things for me ( and hopefully him ). He does try sometimes to make it different. This past Friday night our kids were away with friends for the night and we went to dinner and then found somewhere to pull over on the way home. It was not what we usually do which was a good thing. Every since then when I get in the truck and remember what we did it turns me on like crazy. I have hesitated buying any toys because I was afraid of what he would think. Is it a good idea to show him this web site and ask him to surprise me with something?? Or should I buy something and surprise him with it?? I love going down on him and that is no problem. Actually, maybe he is kind of spoiled in that way because I really can't think of a time we have done it and I haven't . He seems to really like that. But, he never goes down on me. I can only think of maybe a couple of times that he has. Is that something you should come right out and say "Hey would you???), or is that taboo?? I am very thankful for this site. Who else can you ask this stuff to?? It's great. I look forward to your replies.

Sure you can ask him! Hell I asked last night! Like I said before I wonder if he is insecure about not measuring up to your expectations. (not that they are too high mind you! Just that he may feel nervous)If he never goes down on you maybe he is afraid of not doing it right. It is actually pretty common! Don't be afraid to tell him what you like! I know I used to be timid too but not any more! We all have to push through our hangups and insecurities! Even guys have them! Once you do it's like "What was my problem anyway!" I would ask him how he feels about sex toys and go from there...

[pappyld04]

Unless your expectations are set so high that noone could ever achieve them they cannot be considered too high. They are worth striving toward. It will never happen immediately but is worth the effort.

It wouldn't hurt to introduce him to this board. Nor would it be wrong to order something and introduce him to another side of sex. There are many things that can be learned from the experiences of others. And perhaps you could share with others.

And it's never wrong to ask/tell him you want oral also! Matter of fact it sounds like he is somewhat selfish in that area.

[ohshelly]

Good advise everyone.

You may also want to read 'The Five Languauages Of Love' by Gary Chapman.

It was so helpful, I went on Amazon and got a used copy really cheap, just so I could refresh once in awhile.

I am sure your library has it, or can get it for you. I found it very helpful, and you may, too.

It is an easy read, not text book~ish at all.

Iha~ I am a reader, too. The library staff knows me by name.

They stop into my work for lunch and drop off books that came in for me. Small town service is great!

[mystofpric]

HI hun, everyone here has given great advice and I just want to add to what sun said about fantasies. Just asking him what he wants could be a huge thing for him, also reminding him how much you love what he does will re-boost that ego, and not a "i love it when you ___ but..." or tell him about a time that you loved. And remember, like Mikayla said things can get boring if t's always teh same, so while car sex it great (and it is) everytime you get in teh truck would get old, but maybe road head? Not safe, I know, in fact terribly dangerous, but maybe having him pull over and you giving it to him and then looking at him like "what? we're gonna be late" witha wink might get teh old brain moving for him.

[ohshelly]

When I ask for something new/different, sweetguy finds it a turn on.

Try approaching it in the way SuzyP suggested, kinda cute and coy.

A small smile or a wink goes a long way in putting your man at ease and getting him revved up.

Sexual desire starts in a man's mind before it hits his pants!

[pappyld04]

Just for me personally I find that some girls can convey a lot with only their eyes. Shelly is right about things starting in a mans mind or eyes. We are visual. Another way to egg him on would be to choose a somewhat long trip and a ways into it just spread your legs and rub yourself. Even if he cannot see it he will get the clue.

[thunderchild]

I love to take photo's of my tits, pussy and text them to my hubby. usually when he is on his 4 sets of nights and we wont get any action, gets us hot for when we do.

Dont be afraid of buying a sex toy. I brought one and did not tell Mr Thunderchild for about 3 months. I did not like the first one but when looking on an english sex toy web site he brought me a new one, once again it stayed in my draw until once again he was on nights and I dug it out. Well I have not looked back. I had my first clitoral orgasm and soon we were having kinkier, sexier, more passionate sex than ever. We are the same as you, we have only been with each other and met when I was 16 (we have been together 15 years now) and got into a rut.

But it did take some time for me to "come out of my shell" and tell him what I wanted and him the same. He had always wanted to cum in my mouth but I was like no way never! I knew this was his thing but he had always denied it! but i decided one night to do it and I am glad I did and we do it a lot. You have to tell each other what you want.

I agree with Mikayla, if you want it up the wall or bent over the kitchen cupboards then grab him, pull his cock out and go for it! I am forever whipping hubby's out and sucking it a bit in the kitchen!!!!

Keep in touch with us.

[lktmtnmomof2]

Thunderchild, it was great to read your reply. You are right, I should send him some pictures. I have seen several on his phone that his "friends" have sent. The funny thing is these guys have ate dinner at my table and know me and I would never have thought they would send a picture like that to my DH. We get a laugh out of it because if they only knew he lets me see them I think it would embarass them to no end. I should say something like "hey, I really liked that last picture, it really turned me on." I wish where we live I could have a little bit more freedom to go crazy wherever we want. I live next door to my in-laws whom I love dearly, but you never know when they are going to walk over. I am talking we have a trail through the woods from our house to theirs. It was funny that you wrote that because last night when he got home from work I was standing at the kitchen sink and he walked up behind me and started to rub on me and telling me how much he liked the way I looked in the shorts I had on and one of our kids came busting through the door. He mumbled a not so nice word and said he would get me later. Our kids are 7 and 10 and you never know when one of them are going to be running through the house. He made up for it last night though. We have the opposite problem about him cumming in my mouth. I get turned on and would love for him to lose control and go for it. I tried to get him to last night but he says even though he loves it and could go off easily he would rather do it in me. He says to him it feels better that way. I think I will bring him to this site and let him pick us something out. That way maybe he will feel like he has some say in what is going on. I love him dearly but I think it is so easy to get in a rut when you are so used to one another. I think he knows me better than I do sometimes. Pappy the idea of touching myself would go over well with him I'm thinking. He seems to really like that alot when we are together. Something else he seems to like is touching my butt when we are doing it. I am wondering if he would like to try that. He will stick his finger there and he gets really excited. I guess it is something we are going to have to look into. Another question. Is it usually a good thing to a man to do a strip tease and maybe a lap dance for him?? I think I would be nervous and embarrased but I have this fantasy that I am dressed up and I shove him in a chair and start stripping for him and doing to him things that I have only thought about. He does seem to really like it when I have on a dress and heels. He will just pull my dress up and make me bend over with everything on and my panties pulled down. I know some guys (my husbands friend i.e.) that don't like it that much. I guess to each his own. Thanks to everyone for all of the great ideas. We have tried some of them but some are new.

[thunderchild]

I know what you mean about kids, we have a son of 9 and he pick the best times to interrupt. usually when we are in the kitchen with hubby sexy talking down my ear with his hand down my pants!!!

Another horny thing we have is, now I am not a skinny girl so I find that sexy undies for my size are not available or too expensive. So I brought a couple of cheap football (soccer) shirts. When I where these he knows he is in for a treat as under my jeans I have my sexy pants, stockings and suspenders but I can wear my football shirt out and about, especially funny when at my MIL with him knowing what I have underneath. Now I could not do that in a basque.

I have also filled in the post about sexual thing to-do list. Maybe you could fill it in and get him to read what everyone else wants then he could "happen" across your post?

Good luck xxx

[ManofHerdreams]

Do whatever it takes to keep the passion alive. Believe me it sucks big time once it's gone.

Man

[pappyld04]

I must agree with MOHD on this one. You do whatever you feel comfy with. I've heard a lot of people say they wouldn't do certain things but almost all of them have at least tried it. Don't allow others to decide what the two of you may enjoy. If you are uncomfortable just talk to him and see what he thinks. If you don't get a flat out refusal then it's only talk and no harm done. It'll work at him if he is tempted. But the striptease I don't think you could go wrong with that one.