Men - What Are You Thinking When You Watch Porn?

[Anathema Device]

I'll admit it - I have a horribly jealous streak. Can't help it.

I know my SO has his stash of mags and porn. And academically, i'm ok with that. I get turned on by porn as well. But I get turned on because I can kind of put myself into the action. But my jealousy flares when I think that my SO might be watching these women and fantasizing that he's doing that to THEM. I'm totally ok with him living out a fantasy world by imagining doing things he wouldn't do, or imagining doing them with me, or just faceless nameless fantasy. I'm ok with him being turned on just because it's a naked woman, and naked women are pretty. But him imagining him doing...whatever...to another woman? That eats at me.

So what is really going through a man's head when he watches porn?

[Shoop]

I'll admit it - I have a horribly jealous streak. Can't help it.

I know my SO has his stash of mags and porn. And academically, i'm ok with that. I get turned on by porn as well. But I get turned on because I can kind of put myself into the action. But my jealousy flares when I think that my SO might be watching these women and fantasizing that he's doing that to THEM. I'm totally ok with him living out a fantasy world by imagining doing things he wouldn't do, or imagining doing them with me, or just faceless nameless fantasy. I'm ok with him being turned on just because it's a naked woman, and naked women are pretty. But him imagining him doing...whatever...to another woman? That eats at me.

So what is really going through a man's head when he watches porn?

This is a scary scary question A.D.

But an interesting one.

As you know, I feel the same way. I could have written your post!

[mystofpric]

Wow. WHat a great question, it'll be interesting to see what the men say once they come out of their turkey comas!

As a non-,ale though I can tell you that I kinda glaze over their bodies, I'm only interested in the sex.

[Tyger]

As one of those females that actually has her OWN porn collection, and I don't care if my hubby has his stash too, at least, from my point of view, men probably just like watching the SEX itself.

Again, men get turned on mostly by what they see. Seeing a voluptuous woman that has some mad fucking skills, well, it's a big turn on for them. Each man is different, of course. Some may fantasize about doing that woman, or just love to watch people fuck in the most abstract, ridiculous, and strenuous ways possible. Hey, that's healthy too!

I love watching both men & women get it on.

I'm sorry you get jealous about porn. It sounds like you may have some self esteem issues. You say that you don't mind if he watches porn, but get jealous that he may fantasize about them. Darlin', you can't have it both ways. What needs to be learned, is that, the majority of men, while they may fantasize about another woman here & there, and it's unfair that you think of that as "competition". It's not. It's completely normal, and nobody, men or women, should be penalized for their fantasies.

With your jealousy streak, you probably don't WANT to really know what's going thru a guy's head while he's watching porn. You'll find yourself comparing yourself to women that usually are enhanced and make sex their living, and that's just torturous to you and to your SO.

You can learn to be a fantastic lover, with your SO, learning what pleases HIM, and what HE likes, as well as train him how to please you in all ways. That's the best thing to strive for.

[Anathema Device]

Oh, I definitely have self-esteem issues! No denying it! And academically, I don't care that he watches. Academically. But I can't help that I'm still a bit threatened by it. We have an understanding. I know he has it, I know he watches it, and he keeps it out of sight. He doesn't deny it's there, and I don't expect him to, nor do I expect him to not have it. I didn't ask him to keep it out of sight - he just did it because he knows I struggle with this. I know where it is in his apartment, but he keeps it in places where I don't stumble across it. It seems like a silly thing, that this little concession would be enough so it doesn't bug me, but it is, so it's a good compromise for us.

I'm not even threatened that he'll think he can get better sex elsewhere. I know that we have a VERY healthy sexual relationship, and we're REALLY compatible in bed. The self esteem issue is more about me feeling like there is no way I could compete with other women, beauty-wise. It's not anything he says or does that makes me think this - it's my own issue.

We've had the discussion (and it's one we won't have again - it's not something that can be solved - we've just agreed to let this one go). He says that it's not about fantasizing about being with another woman - it's a pure visual thing around curves. He doesn't even watch a lot of video-porn - he's more into Suicide Girls style cheesecake shots. He just likes to look at beautiful women. And maybe that's part of it - that it's not the sex as much as it is the physical beauty and curves. So I worry that maybe I'm not exactly what he wants.

Again, I know it's natural - I know it's just the way men are wired. And I accept it - but that doesn't mean I like it!

[Shoop]

Oh, I definitely have self-esteem issues! No denying it! And academically, I don't care that he watches. Academically. But I can't help that I'm still a bit threatened by it. We have an understanding. I know he has it, I know he watches it, and he keeps it out of sight. He doesn't deny it's there, and I don't expect him to, nor do I expect him to not have it. I didn't ask him to keep it out of sight - he just did it because he knows I struggle with this. I know where it is in his apartment, but he keeps it in places where I don't stumble across it. It seems like a silly thing, that this little concession would be enough so it doesn't bug me, but it is, so it's a good compromise for us.

I'm not even threatened that he'll think he can get better sex elsewhere. I know that we have a VERY healthy sexual relationship, and we're REALLY compatible in bed. The self esteem issue is more about me feeling like there is no way I could compete with other women, beauty-wise. It's not anything he says or does that makes me think this - it's my own issue.

We've had the discussion (and it's one we won't have again - it's not something that can be solved - we've just agreed to let this one go). He says that it's not about fantasizing about being with another woman - it's a pure visual thing around curves. He doesn't even watch a lot of video-porn - he's more into Suicide Girls style cheesecake shots. He just likes to look at beautiful women. And maybe that's part of it - that it's not the sex as much as it is the physical beauty and curves. So I worry that maybe I'm not exactly what he wants.

Again, I know it's natural - I know it's just the way men are wired. And I accept it - but that doesn't mean I like it!

I know what you mean. I've found porn on my SO's computer (I may have told you A.D) with women who are much much heavier than I am. He said he likes to look at variety and that porn is his variety. My friend that I pm'd you about today has the same problem with her boyfriend. She was complaining about that to me on the phone yesterday!

I try to generally just not come across it either. I don't know why, when I find a dvd in his dvd player it feels like a knife going through my heart. So I avoid. A.D, we are together on this one!

Oh and I meant to tell you, I showed one of the pics of us taken the other night when we went out to a male friend of mine and he noticed you RIGHT away (he's not slimy, he's a very nice guy, married, but very nice) and said you were very attractive. I thought that was a nice compliment! He said you looked very beautiful.

[Anathema Device]

I'm glad I'm not the only one in the "avoid" camp. I do with I understood it, though. Women's and men's brains are just wired so differently, and I wish I could put myself in his head so I could really understand it so maybe I wouldn't see it as such a threat.

Thanks for the passed on compliment from your friend! It's nice to have the outside validation, if that makes sense. I laughed at this: "He's a very nice guy, married, but very nice" - as if marriage was somehow contrary to being nice!

[sun_flower969]

Oh, I definitely have self-esteem issues! No denying it! And academically, I don't care that he watches. Academically. But I can't help that I'm still a bit threatened by it. We have an understanding. I know he has it, I know he watches it, and he keeps it out of sight. He doesn't deny it's there, and I don't expect him to, nor do I expect him to not have it. I didn't ask him to keep it out of sight - he just did it because he knows I struggle with this. I know where it is in his apartment, but he keeps it in places where I don't stumble across it. It seems like a silly thing, that this little concession would be enough so it doesn't bug me, but it is, so it's a good compromise for us.

I'm not even threatened that he'll think he can get better sex elsewhere. I know that we have a VERY healthy sexual relationship, and we're REALLY compatible in bed. The self esteem issue is more about me feeling like there is no way I could compete with other women, beauty-wise. It's not anything he says or does that makes me think this - it's my own issue.

We've had the discussion (and it's one we won't have again - it's not something that can be solved - we've just agreed to let this one go). He says that it's not about fantasizing about being with another woman - it's a pure visual thing around curves. He doesn't even watch a lot of video-porn - he's more into Suicide Girls style cheesecake shots. He just likes to look at beautiful women. And maybe that's part of it - that it's not the sex as much as it is the physical beauty and curves. So I worry that maybe I'm not exactly what he wants.

Again, I know it's natural - I know it's just the way men are wired. And I accept it - but that doesn't mean I like it!

I am very similar in this thinking! My husband used to watch porn... I have written a ton about all that but in a nutshell he doesn't anymore. Have you told him how you feel? You know about feeling threatened? Maybe he can shed some light on it. Plus if he knows how you feel he might surprise you and stop watching... Nothing is really wrong with it as long as it isn't in excess... In my house though we are porn free.

[mystofpric]

Have you tried watching porn with him? There's are lots of porn that are geared towards women (though still enjoyable for a man) so maybe that would even the odds a little. Also yous tarted outs aying it wasn't the looks of teh women it was the thought of hims thinking about doing something to another woman, then you later admitted it was the women in porn.

Does he watch videos or look at pictures more? I ask because there is almost an air of feeling left out. Join your man, and trust me if you do he won't be thinking about the other women, it'll do you he sees and feels and wants. Plus hun, you gotta cut a guy some slack, he's not staring at women on the street, but fake women on TV, then when its done he snaps back to reality and he's all yours. Does he tell you how beautiful you are? How attractive he finds you? Things like that? If he does than you wicked luckly and miles ahead of a lot of women.

[Anathema Device]

SuzyP - I see why what I said seemed confusing, but I stand by it. I know that visuals turn him on so it's not that looking at another woman will turn him on that really bothers me. It's that he might be wanting to BE with that other woman, that he's imagining himself with her. That's the part that bugs me. Does that make sense?

As far as watching it together - he's more into photos than videos. Not to say he doesn't watch it on occasion, but he's much more into images of woman than watching sex acts. And I don't think watching porn together would be for us. I think that I'd be way too insecure about it (as I said, I appreciate the fact that he keeps it out of sight), and I know that he wouldn't want to. He's said that porn and pictures are a tool when I'm not around - if I'm there, why would he bother? (his words).

And yes, he tells me I'm beautiful all the time - both by actually telling me and in his actions. So I know I am lucky for that.

sunflower - we have talked about it. And I know he won't stop looking at it, but that's ok. I guess I don't necessarily want him to stop - I just want it to stop bugging me! Make sense?

[mystofpric]

SuzyP - I see why what I said seemed confusing, but I stand by it. I know that visuals turn him on so it's not that looking at another woman will turn him on that really bothers me. It's that he might be wanting to BE with that other woman, that he's imagining himself with her. That's the part that bugs me. Does that make sense?

Total sense now. Has he said he's imagining himself doing things with her? Maybe's it's more the voyeur feel to it, just the "i shouldn't be looking, but damn"?

[Tyger]

SuzyP - I see why what I said seemed confusing, but I stand by it. I know that visuals turn him on so it's not that looking at another woman will turn him on that really bothers me. It's that he might be wanting to BE with that other woman, that he's imagining himself with her. That's the part that bugs me. Does that make sense?

As far as watching it together - he's more into photos than videos. Not to say he doesn't watch it on occasion, but he's much more into images of woman than watching sex acts. And I don't think watching porn together would be for us. I think that I'd be way too insecure about it (as I said, I appreciate the fact that he keeps it out of sight), and I know that he wouldn't want to. He's said that porn and pictures are a tool when I'm not around - if I'm there, why would he bother? (his words).

And yes, he tells me I'm beautiful all the time - both by actually telling me and in his actions. So I know I am lucky for that.

sunflower - we have talked about it. And I know he won't stop looking at it, but that's ok. I guess I don't necessarily want him to stop - I just want it to stop bugging me! Make sense?

OK, you're letting this get to you mentally, and then it sounds like you're placing the blame on what he does. He can't help how YOU feel. If he is respectful, as you say he is, and doesn't make inconsiderate comments, then it really is on YOU how to handle it. I mean, it's like saying "I don't believe in hunting" yet eating the meat the hunter brings....KWIM?

Also, please remember that, even though the women on porn are what they're suppose to be: sex objects, they work out a lot, get their bodies enhanced, and have learned how to accentuate not only themselves physically (also with makeup artists right on hand at all times), but also what sells porn....lots of descriptives (oh fuck my pussy), moaning, screaming, and looking at the camera. It's all like theater. Like how in opera, the makeup seems a bit extreme, but even in opera makeup, it's done so that the people waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the back rows can see and enjoy the facial expressions. And, like opera, it's NOT real life.

Please don't get offended by what I am about to say, because this is meant as an observation, however, it also comes across as a bit controlling. You sound like you want to control his fantasies, thoughts, and how he views all other women. You are in for a HUGE let down if you don't realize that this is impossible. You can't control people's desires, thoughts, even their actions. It's not his fault this bothers you, especially if he's being as respectful as you say. The only way you really should feel threatened by his looking at, even simple pics, is, if they're like porn stars (and not local women that he's viewing, because, to me, that's more personal and in your face), or models, then you have every logical right to feel threatened if he starts viewing those instead of being with you. But, from your posts, that isn't the case.

You said yourself that you don't feel as pretty or can "compare" to these women. Darlin', not many of us can stand side-by-side with a porn star or model and feel hotter than hot. We're wired wrong. We will compare our thighs, boobs, arms, hands, butts, eyes, face, nose, neck, whatever we can, just to give ourselves a reason to feel less than adequate. It sucks. However, what I've learned to tell myself, is that if my hubby WANTED to be with a stripper (which he has dated in the past), porn star (we live near Houston, so it's not a big stretch to find them), model, or buckle-bunny, then he wouldn't have committed himself to ME, come home to ME, or love MY body.

He's with YOU because he wants to be. He cares for you JUST as you are. Try hard to stop obsessing about it, because all you're doing is stressing yourself out. Find something sexy, blow his mind (and other various parts), and just enjoy being with him.

[Anathema Device]

Tyger,

I get what you're saying in the "please don't be offended" paragraph - and I'm not, because that's not it. I don't want to control him - I want to control how I FEEL about it. Would I like it if somehow he could only get aroused by looking at me? Sure. Do I think that's in any way possible? Of course not. But I'd like it not to bother me so much.

Trust me - I get that this is MY issue, not his! And that he's being very considerate about it. But I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to figure out how I can feel better about it.

[mystofpric]

I have a question: did you have an ex who DID have a problem with porn and comparing you? Cause something like that would make it a very clear and obvious reason why your so hung up on it and it will make it a hard habit to kick.and what about taking dirty pictures and stuff for him? Give him your on the days that you can't be there?

[chloegirl]

Don't know how to tactfully ask, but I'm going to assume that you are still very young. If so you will get over this as you gain more experience and confidence in yourself as you get older. My first major relationship was with a guy who had his dorm walls literally plastered with those huge, fake, globe titted, beer models. He never once said anything derogatory or compared my small boobs to those but it still made me feel insecure....like I didn't measure up and he didn't really want me, and that insecurity affected the way that I let myself respond, which was a really stupid mistake! He didn't have a problem with my breasts, but in my head I projected my own stupid insecurities into this huge non-existant issue with him....I couldn't believe or accept that he really cared about me because I didn't look like the pics on his walls so I eventually walked away, gave up a chance for a really great and hot relationship because I couldn't let go of an image problem that was all in my own head.

Learn this lesson now and learn it fast....you don't have to look like the pictures or actresses that they look at for fantasy and entertainment! You're fine the way the you are! Make yourself see that you ARE desireable the way you are, act on it and he will see you that way too! He chose you to be with...don't let your insecurity beat you out of enjoying your relationships to the fullest. When you look at actors or male models, or even just imagine a character when you're reading a book you can admire that person, but it doesn't mean you want to dump your partner for that image. Don't read any more into their looking at porn or pics than what it is (unless they are looking at it constantly, can't respond to you anymore, or are actively comparing or insulting you)....they're just looking and yes maybe fantasizing but it doesn't really take anything away from you unless you let it. Jealousy and poor self-image will kill a relationship if you let it fester like that.

[Anathema Device]

Suzy,

He has quite the collection of pics I've taken for him (and that I've had taken by a pro. photographer). And he appreciates them quite a bit. I don't think I've had any ex's who have made porn a problem for me - I think it's all just self-esteem and insecurity. I used to be a lot heavier than I am now. I lost a tonne of weight after my son was both (both the pregnancy and lots of weight that was around long before my pregnancy). As a result, I'm a lot more confident than I used to be, but still very self-conscious about a lot of things. I think the blame is all mine - not that someone treated me badly.

chloegirl,

I'm 32 (married and divorced, with lots of sexual experience) - young enough, but not "very" young, I guess. Your second paragraph makes sense to me. Not sure if I can internalize it, but it does make sense. I've actually gotten BETTER (believe it or not!) about my feelings about porn - it's just something that I continue to struggle with. I think I just need to get it through my head that I AM "good enough" for him. He's perfect for me, and I'm still shocked over 3 years into the relationship that I've managed to find him and that he wants me. He lives 12 hours from me, so the fact that we're still together and going strong does mean a whole lot - it's not like it's a relationship of convenience!

[sun_flower969]

Would I like it if somehow he could only get aroused by looking at me? Sure. Do I think that's in any way possible? Of course not.

Don't be deceived! No one NEEDS porn and you absolutely CAN be enough for him! It IS possible! Trust me! You said you did talk to him? What was his response? If this is something that bothers you and he cares for you he should be able to reassure you in one way or another! Is it the frequency/amount of it that is a problem?

[Anathema Device]

Don't be deceived! No one NEEDS porn and you absolutely CAN be enough for him! It IS possible! Trust me! You said you did talk to him? What was his response? If this is something that bothers you and he cares for you he should be able to reassure you in one way or another! Is it the frequency/amount of it that is a problem?

Oh - I don't mean that he NEEDS porn to get aroused. That's certainly not the case! What i'd love, in a perfect world, is if nothing else could even make him LOOK - not a gorgeous woman on the street, or porn, or anything. That ISN'T possible - that's not the way men are wired! And I get that! I'm talking ideal fantasy world when I say that!

It's not frequency or amount. Not even a little. I couldn't say for sure how often he uses it - certainly not when I'm around, even for weeks at a time. So it's not that I feel he using it INSTEAD of me.

We have talked about it. He knows that it bothers me to an extent, and he knows that I wishes it didn't. I've never asked him to purge his magazine collection or get rid of any porn - and I won't do that. Partially because I don't think that's fair (it's honestly not hurting me, and I know that the insecurity is my own, and it's certainly not like he has an addiction) and partially because I don't think he actually WOULD do it. I'm not into ultimatums, anyways, because I don't think they're fair. And to be perfectly honest, he lives 12 hours away, so it'd be easy enough for him to say, "Yes, dear" but not do it. I don't think putting him in a position to lie about it is healthy either.

He has tried to reassure me - and he does a reasonably good job of it. I know that he frequently "uses" photos of me (which I wholeheartedly endorse!). He tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am, and how much he wants me, and he shows me that.

Again, it's about my insecurity and trying to get over that. Academically, I'm ok with his use of pictures/porn. I'm trying to reassure myself that it's not about him not being happy or satisfied with me - that that is not what the pictures are about. I'm not trying to change him (I've been down that road - trying to change a man is NOT healthy!). I'm trying to change ME so I'm more settled and secure with it.

[sun_flower969]

Oh - I don't mean that he NEEDS porn to get aroused. That's certainly not the case! What i'd love, in a perfect world, is if nothing else could even make him LOOK - not a gorgeous woman on the street, or porn, or anything. That ISN'T possible - that's not the way men are wired! And I get that! I'm talking ideal fantasy world when I say that!

It's not frequency or amount. Not even a little. I couldn't say for sure how often he uses it - certainly not when I'm around, even for weeks at a time. So it's not that I feel he using it INSTEAD of me.

We have talked about it. He knows that it bothers me to an extent, and he knows that I wishes it didn't. I've never asked him to purge his magazine collection or get rid of any porn - and I won't do that. Partially because I don't think that's fair (it's honestly not hurting me, and I know that the insecurity is my own, and it's certainly not like he has an addiction) and partially because I don't think he actually WOULD do it. I'm not into ultimatums, anyways, because I don't think they're fair. And to be perfectly honest, he lives 12 hours away, so it'd be easy enough for him to say, "Yes, dear" but not do it. I don't think putting him in a position to lie about it is healthy either.

He has tried to reassure me - and he does a reasonably good job of it. I know that he frequently "uses" photos of me (which I wholeheartedly endorse!). He tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am, and how much he wants me, and he shows me that.

Again, it's about my insecurity and trying to get over that. Academically, I'm ok with his use of pictures/porn. I'm trying to reassure myself that it's not about him not being happy or satisfied with me - that that is not what the pictures are about. I'm not trying to change him (I've been down that road - trying to change a man is NOT healthy!). I'm trying to change ME so I'm more settled and secure with it.

OK, I see! I read all that and personally, I think you have nothing to worry about! You just have to believe him and believe in yourself! If you were closer I think you might feel more secure but for now I think it seems pretty normal! You just have to feel good about you!

[synirr]

If it makes you feel any better, I was a member on SuicideGirls.com for a while, and I adore those ladies. I met some of them at a tattoo convention, and let me tell you... they're more "real" than most porn stars, but their photosets are airbrushed just like all the others. They're attractive, sure, but would they stop you dead in your tracks if you saw them on the street? Are they any hotter than the rest of the population? No, not really. They are real people, but the photos he's looking at are not... they're fantasy. Those women, as perfect as they appear in pictures, do not exist in real life.

[Anathema Device]

sunflower - Oh good! I'm glad I got my point across - it's difficult to explain!

Synirr - thank you for that. SG are definitely my SO's type. And I see why - they're attractive girls, and they don't LOOK fake. (He's not into fake boobs or twig-skinny...thankfully, since I SOOO don't fit the bill!) But it's nice to hear that they, too, are subject to airbrushing to look THAT good!

[Shoop]

sunflower - Oh good! I'm glad I got my point across - it's difficult to explain!

Synirr - thank you for that. SG are definitely my SO's type. And I see why - they're attractive girls, and they don't LOOK fake. (He's not into fake boobs or twig-skinny...thankfully, since I SOOO don't fit the bill!) But it's nice to hear that they, too, are subject to airbrushing to look THAT good!

sg's are airbrushed? Silly me, I had no idea!

[Shoop]

Oh and AD you are so beautiful and you guys have such a good connection....I can understand the worry of course (because I have it too) however after so many years, you guys are still so cute. If that makes sense. Meaning I think he's a man and men like porn. Period. We hate it, but that's the truth.

Now give me a speech because I need one too. LOL.

[synirr]

Iha!! <3

[dscn]

it the porn bothers you so much why don't you make movies with him. Use the video on your digital camera that's what I did after I got married I did not want to watch porn anymore so I told the wife that and we made the movies try that and then you won't have to worry about him watching other women. Talk to him about that