Sex Ruining Relationship?

[ambrelyn]

My fiancee has told me several times that he doesn't want to have a relationship that's just based on sex. We talked about it again last night after some really steamy sex. I told him he was an incredible lover, and that started this discussion. He said the sex is awesome, but he doesn't want it to be just about that. He said he loves me for so many other reasons (which I won't go into cuz it'll take too long to type ~..~) and some nights when we're married he may just want to cuddle and go to sleep. I agree with him. I think it's awesome that he feels that way, but why is he so worried about it? I asked him if he felt that was what was happening. He said no. He said but have we gone a month without sex since we've met? I said no, we haven't. Do you want to, to prove a point? He said no. I explained to him all the reasons why I want to marry him, and they have nothing to do with the sex. But this morning I was thinking about it, and I was wondering if I should seriously suggest we don't have sex for a couple weeks or a month, to prove to each other that this isn't the case. I just don't understand why he is so worried about it. Any ideas? Should I cut him off for a few weeks to prove that sex isn't the reason I want to be his wife?

[hrnychick]

Well sounds like you have a real catch there.....not many men (at least the ones i have met in my life) would just want to cuddle some nights......if i were you i would just slow things down and see where they go.....just follow his lead.....some nights just cuddle and go to sleep.....since i dont know who makes the first move that leads to sex i will just say YOU play it cool.....not so he thinks anything is wrong but just enough that what you both talked about (sex not being the only thing) is plain to see....So much more makes for a great realtionship and a happy marriage and im sure you two will have a loving happy future.

[ambrelyn]

See that's what gets me. He's very sexual. The majority of the time he initiates the sex, and any time I initiate it, he's very much into it. In the regular course of the day, he's very affectionate, kissing, cuddling, smacking me on the ass. He did tell me that he's had previous relationships where that had happened. It became all about the sex. I don't know how to convince him that it isn't going to happen with us. That I want to share my life with him, not just my bed. We are going to talk about it again tonight. I told him a little while ago that I wanted to talk to him about it.

I am going to talk to him about maybe cooling it off a little until he fully realizes that this isn't going to be the case with us. Maybe that will work, like hrnychick suggested. I am glad that he isn't all about the sex. It just makes me sad that he even thinks that that could happen to us. Is this his way of saying he's afraid of losing me? I don't know. I wish I could understand the male mind sometimes. I have no problem with not having sex when we aren't in the mood, had a rough day, or don't feel good, but otherwise, I'm really into it. He is my first sexual relationship, and I'm very enthusiastic about it. But to prove to him that I want a life with him, I'm willing to curb my desires for a while, until he feels more secure about us. This just seems like such a weird problem to be having...

[hrnychick]

See that's what gets me. He's very sexual. The majority of the time he initiates the sex, and any time I initiate it, he's very much into it. In the regular course of the day, he's very affectionate, kissing, cuddling, smacking me on the ass. He did tell me that he's had previous relationships where that had happened. It became all about the sex. I don't know how to convince him that it isn't going to happen with us. That I want to share my life with him, not just my bed. We are going to talk about it again tonight. I told him a little while ago that I wanted to talk to him about it.

I am going to talk to him about maybe cooling it off a little until he fully realizes that this isn't going to be the case with us. Maybe that will work, like hrnychick suggested. I am glad that he isn't all about the sex. It just makes me sad that he even thinks that that could happen to us. Is this his way of saying he's afraid of losing me? I don't know. I wish I could understand the male mind sometimes. I have no problem with not having sex when we aren't in the mood, had a rough day, or don't feel good, but otherwise, I'm really into it. He is my first sexual relationship, and I'm very enthusiastic about it. But to prove to him that I want a life with him, I'm willing to curb my desires for a while, until he feels more secure about us. This just seems like such a weird problem to be having...

Its a strange problem to be having.....like you said.....but at least he said something to you and you have this site to turn to.....just think how many others maybe going through this with no one to turn to for answers or the girls that have the guys that dont open up as yours did.....so have the talk tonight.....hope all goes well......and I hope you get more of the male point of view on this porblem here......Howard made some good points with his reply.....but since you said he is very sexual and affectionate it may just be the past that haunts him.....sometimes our past hurts so much that its hard to move on,,,,,I know from my past i still have a hard time with trust but my man knows this and we work at it all the time......so again i think the talk will do you both good....it will get your point across that you arent like the others he has been with......good luck and keep us posted

[whiskeywoman]

If I may add my 2 cents worth in here..

I am not a psychologist ( nor do i play one on TV)

But it sounds like he may in his own way be trying to convey fears of the future to you.

When you talk to him, ask him what it would take to prove to him that your relationshio is not soley based on sex.

Ask him about holding off on the sex, see what he would like to do.

Yes I am sure there are times when we all just dont feel like having having sex, we may be too busy or too tired or not feeling well, etc.

Hell With my 1st husband I was lucky to get sex twice a year.

He was an older man and said his libido just wasnt what it used to be.

The fact that you two have an open enough relationship to actually be able to talk to to one another about this issue is a good thing and a major step in the right direction.

My current SO is 52 and was wanting sex when the baby was 2 weeks old LOL

I told him he had to wait, besides, this way it gives us a good oppertunity to get to know each other again and open up the communication lines.

Fears of the past will always hang around and haunt him, You need to find out what will alieviate those fears so they can be promptly buried and your relationship can thrive.

I wish you the best of luck.

Whiskey

[Mikayla1]

Let me ask you a personal question.....actually two personal questions:

1) how long did you date before you had sex?

2) Has your sex life increased since coming on forum and getting "ideas" about new techniques and such?

The reason I ask is, if you slept together quickly - like first date - he may be thinking that is all you want from him -just sex, sex, sex....especially if your sex life has gone up a notch recently. He may want some deeper connection -w hich is GREAT - but not typical of most men - which is also GREAT!!!!

it seems like your man is in touch with his emotions, which is great, and that he really loves you and wants there to be a greater connection than just sex - also great! There is nothing wrong with having kick ass sex once, twice or more daily - yes DAILY if you have a good friendship to boot and can talk about and do other things when you aren't banging each other!

It is normal for him to be wondering about this things before marriage - especially if you are having killer sex - he is thinking - what happens if sex declines after marriage. WE all hear the stories about sex dying after marriage - and it doesn't have to - it can get BETTER and HOTTER! He is concerned that your relationship grow outside of the bedroom - as long as it is, don't worry about it!

Tell him how grateful you are that he is considering these things, and how wonderful it is that he is thinking about things besides sex - and reassure him that it is not all sexual (I am sure it isn't) and tell him that you are fiercly attracted to him sexually, but that isn't all it is ....or something like that!

I think he needs reassurrance - which is fine - and as long as you both are on the same page sexually, mentally and emotionally - you will have a happy and healthy marriage.

I wish you luck...hold on to this one...

Mikayla

[ambrelyn]

I thank everyone for their advice. I really feel like I have more of an idea of what to say to him tonight.

To answer your questions Mikayla: We started having sex exactly one week after we met. We will have been together 10 months on the 24th. We have had more intense sex lately because we have both been looking stuff up on the internet. Me on this site, and him on a bondage site.

I have been thinking about it all day, and I think that I am partly at fault here. He has two kids (a 3 year old girl and a 7 year old boy), and is currently living with his parents while his house is being built, so we don't get much alone time. We don't live together either. His parents are very traditional and won't allow it. So there are times when we can't really have sex. When that happens I get disappointed and kinda pouty. I don't mean to, and I'm not mad at him for the circumstances. It's just that we don't get much alone time, so I look forward to that private intimate moment between us, and when it doesn't happen I'm disappointed. I've been thinking about this all day, and having realized that about the way I'm acting, and how it must seem to him, I can partly see where he might worry about this. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, and try to explain why I act that way, and tell him I'm going to try and stop acting that way. I know it's not the end of the world.

I am very happy that we have been able to have this discussion. I know if we hadn't it would be eating at him. I am also glad that he feels this way, that he's thinking about us in the future tense, and that he felt he could talk to me about it. I feel so incredibly lucky to have met him.

Anyway, I will post again tomorrow, and let you know how our talk went. Thanks again for all the advice and encouragement. It really makes a difference to be able to talk about this and get different points of view. I was beginning to go crazy, thinking he was losing his desire for me, or that he was starting to base our relationship on sex or something. You know how your mind can jump to all kinds of conclusions. Anyway, thanks again.

[ambrelyn]

Well, we had our talk last night. I told him everything I was thinking and asked him if it had to do with me getting pouty sometimes when we couldn't have sex. He said every relationship he's had has ended up being about the sex, and he didn't want that to happen with us. He said one woman he was with would even hit or kick him in the balls if she couldn't have it. I told him that he really didn't have to worry about that from me. He said he knows that when he works really long hours he can get tired and he doesn't want me to get mad at him and resent him for not wanting sex. He said he loves the sex between us, can't get enough, and that I'm the best he's had. He's just worried cuz he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't want me anymore just because he may not want to have sex on a certain night . He said that me getting pouty had worried him some. After I explained why I get that way, I think he felt better. I asked him what I could do to convince him that that wasn't going to happen to us. That the difference is that once we're married and live together, he can cuddle up to me and hold me all night instead of me having to go home to my empty bed. Then I won't be pouty. I told him I didn't want him to even have the slightest doubt about this when we were married, so he should tell me how I could prove it to him. I said if he wanted to I would cut back on the sex, or go without for several weeks to show him that I'm in love with him, not the sex. He said just give me your word, which I did. He seemed better about it. But I have resolved to work on the whole pouty thing, and to continue to reassure him that it's him I love, not his dick. I do love his dick, but without that, without the sex, I would still want to be his wife.

Anyway, thanks for your insight in all of this. It's really helped.