Teenage Children And Sex

[sonnyeyed]

Until her 15th b-day party my daughter talked a lot about boys but was still my little girl. At her party which was in a hotel her freind asked her boyfreind to come and bring a freind. I really didnt think much of it. I was always near and they just sat around the pool and talked. My daughter who is beautiful with chestnut hair, huge almost black eyes and is already in a D cup is a little chunky. She has in the past made comments about the boys at school all like anorexic girls and I just tried to reassure her. I figured the attention from this boy would be good for her self-esteem.

After the party he continued to call every night and she seemed very happy. I agreed on a double date at the pizza parlor if I dropped her off and picked her up ( the boy has his drivers liscense). A few weeks later they went to a movie which my mother drove her to and she sat away from them. Problem is I didn't do my homework and come to find out the boy is 18. I dont like this idea but at the same time I dont feel that I should say she cant see the boy anymore just because of the age difference. He comes over every weekend and brings movies which we all sit in the living room and watch as a family. Yes I know 18 yo boys think of one thing but he seems like decent guy. I met my husband as a 16 yo and he was 19 which is the same age difference. Some people, like my mother, are appalled by the fact that I am allowing her to date an 18 yo.

I have had several talks with my daughter and about sex and try to reassure her that she can talk to me about anything. I have also have told her that I believe she is to young for sex but that the thing I am most worried about is using protection. Is this giving her permission to have sex? Am I crazy by beleiving it is lame to tell her she cant see this boy just because he is 18? I know from personal experience that forbidden or not if she wants to see this boy she will find away. I feel that I actually have more control over the situation by giving her some freedom.

She is very mature for her age and has a good head on her shoulders. The other day her and a freind wanted me to drop them off at the mall for a few hours. I asked her if James would be going. Her reply was " No, if he goes he will want to buy me things. Then he may think that I will owe him something."

Has anyone been in a situation like this or have any feelings on my position?

[crazy1]

frusterated- I have not quite been in this situation, but I do know young women that have/are. My best advice, be open and honest with your daughter. If you have advised her that she is too young for sex, all you can do now is be open and ask her if she is having sex, or is thinking of having sex with her bf. Do not make him a taboo or forbidden person, most times, that will only draw her to him more. The 18-15 gap is large, those ages are huge in the emotional and mental development of children and I see your point about being cautious, and I feel you should be. Just be informed, but don't become the Gestapo. Respect her privacy, space and judgement(to a certain degree) and she will do the same for you.

Be sure to talk with her about the dangers of sex. STD's and pregnancy are rampant today. I recently attended a HS Prom where almost 1 in 8 girls was pregnant. And those were the ones that were showing!!! There were possibly more that had not yet begun to show or even know about it.

If you are really worried about this young mans influence on your daughter, you can always abide the old addage "keep your friends close, and your enemys closer".

[whiskeywoman]

This whole situation is a two headed coin,

on the one hand you are allowing your daughter to date someone who is legally considered and adult.

And on the other your telling her if you do have sex, use protection.

You say " he seems like a decent guy" I've known lots of decent guys that have turned out to be idiots.

The last one being my ex boyfriend, we dated a little over a year, our condom broke and I wound up getting pregnant, when I was 4 months along he dumped me for another woman.

now I'm fighting tooth and nail to get him to pay child support for our daughter.

I have given birth to 5 children 3 of them were concieved on some form of birth control.

Your daughter and her bf both need to be made aware that bc dosnt always work, and that they, not you THEY will have to deal with supporting and raising a baby if it fails.

Since he is an adult, many states can and will charge him with statutory rape in addition to nailing him for child support.

You stated that you thought it was ok for her to date a 18 yo because when you were 16 you dated a 19 yo.

No offense, I can not say it is wrong to think this way, but, it sounds as though you are trying to justify your reasoning for letting her date him.

I myself could never allow that kind of thinking with my girls, I could not handle her bringing home a 30 yr old when shes 14 and say, "well her dad and I have 16 yrs between us so its ok."

If it were up to their dad, they'd never date, and they'd go to prom in floor length chain mail with armed body gaurds,

If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell her she cant see him, and I'd remind her that if she was tempted to sneak around and see him, I would call the police and have him charged.

but, thats just me though.

I have seen more problems arise from either parents not caring whom their girls are dateing, or the sex ed classes that hand out condoms and stuff.

Basiclly this is saying, " so long as you cover it up, go ahead and sleep around as many times as you like"

No one teaches the kids about STDs and the ramifications they can bring.

Teach your daughter about STDs, ALL of them, chlamidyia, gonnoreah, AIDS, HIV, HPV etc.

Especially HPV.

I suffer from this myself, and have had to have cryosurgery 4 times, right now the Doctors are talking about a hysterectomy because it has advanced to the pre-cancerous stage.

On the upside I will never have to worry about geting pregnant or periods again.

On the down side, I'll have to take horemone shots for the rest of my life and will have a lower sex drive.

Just make sure she knows all possible scenarios and the consequences for each one

I hope you find a solution to this dillemma

Whiskey

[Mikayla1]

I started dating pretty early, and usually dated older guys. However, the rule in my house was - no more than 1 year older than me. So, in my household, this guy would be a no-no. When I got to be about 16, I looked about 18, so the high school guys all wanted to date me. My Dad kept a short leash on me, always insisting that he or my Mom meet the guys I went out with, insisiting that they were "double dates" - I had a strict 9:00 curfew, etc.

However, I was a bit of a rebel, and I would plant "decoy" boyfriends so that I could get out to meet the real boyfriend who was much older. Although I did not have sex until I was out of high school (I know, hard to believe, right?) I was messing around with older guys who were pressuring me to do things. I had great self-esteem and didn't need the attention so much. I would put them off and just do what I wanted - which was a lot of kissing and petting above the clothes.

My point? Well, today's world is different than the 80's when I was a teen, boys are much more persistent - BUT NOT ALL! There are still nice guys out there who are just nice guys.

It is ultimately your call on whether your daughter continues to see this guy. Have you met his parents? Spoken to them? I would. I would meet them, see if they know their son is dating a younger girl. I would talk to the boy, tell him that you like him, and your daughter likes him, but explain to him that there is rules when it comes to dating her - legal and moral. You don't have to scare him, but let me tell you, my Dad put the fear of GOD into some of the guys I dated, and I think if more parents did that today we might have far less teen pregnancy!

So, if you like him, and he is a nice guy, and you are chaperoning all her dates - and you probably should be at 15 - then I say it is probably OK. Just be wary. Talk to your daughter. Honesly, openly about things. Sex, love, committment. See where she stands. If you can trust your daughter, then trust her. If you can't, or if you worry, then make her end it. However, beware....forcing her to end the relationship may force her to run right to him!

Those are my words of wisdom on this!

Mikayla