Postpartum Depression

[kjellis]

Well my wife has fairly recently been diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD). And the therapist thinks that she may have had a mild form from the first child but could cope with it. And now with the second child (who is now 6months old) it has made it worse.

I am 110% glad that we have finally figured out what it is. Things weren't going so well. We were fighting alot and she was taking everything out of context. Tension was just almost to the breaking point. Now she is getting treatment (both meds and therapist sessions). And I can see it starting to help. Everything that I have read and have been told that this is a baby steps thing. Don't expect one morning that it is just as if a light has been flipped on and everything is better. And the thing is that with PPD the partner really has to understand that even if the person with PPD lashes out at them and is mad and agressive, even over nothing, that really it is more of the depression talking. Looking back I can see the patterns as hind sight is always 20/20. And that the partner of the patient has to try their best to NOT take it personally and let it bounce off and don't react or say well I told you about this so what is your issue now. I can do that. Sometimes it is tough and I have to go have some time to myself to vent (yelling at hockey refs does wonders ).

But another side effect of the depression is a lack of sex drive. And that was one of the other things that we got into conflict all the time about after the 2nd child. And I know the worst thing I can do is pressure her for it. It just makes her feel guilty that I want it but she doesn't and that she is a bad wife. Yesterday she put on a top that shows a fair amount of cleavage. I was rock hard all day. I just wanted to do her. So at night I tried my best to make her evening as stress free as possible. Rubbed her neck and back....and slowly worked my way down there. She just wasn't interested. And that was fine, I just dropped it.

I have read from a couple of other couples experience that the woman at some point will say to her husband it is alright if you want to go out to have sex. I wouldn't even dream of that. I love my wife and know that as the treatment progresses things will get better and back to normal. But the bottom line is I am still a man who loves sex. And I have no problems with masterbation. It is just that it is getting old...almost to the point that I am not interested in doing it anymore. To the point that I will look at some of our old sex pics and be so turned on but when actually going to do something about it, it just seems more like a drill than pleasure. So I was thinking of getting a guys toy. My old girlfriend when I went away after highschool gave me one as a going away present and a reminder that she wouldn't be on the prowl cause she had a dildo and I should either cause I have this (At leaast I kept up my end of the bargain). But then got to thinking about how is my wife going to feel about that. It's almost like I am replacing her with this Cyberskin pussy. It would be different if we had our normal sex life still and this was just an added toy to our collection. And at the same time, I don't know if asking her if she would mind is the best course of action either. I don't know if it would just upset her. But if I just came home with one she might or most likely be upset anyway.

I seriously don't know what to do. Anyone else have a similar experience?

[ladylove]

I never experience PPD or any type of depression. However what I do know is that there are drugs for depression that inhibit ones sex drive and one that don't. If you think the drugs are keeping her sex drive at bay, talk to her Doctor change meds. Neither of you should have to live a sexless life. There are solutions.

Good luck. It's wondrous and difficult to have a new baby added to ones family, added the difficulties your family is expierencing I can't even imagine.

As for the Masturbators, perhaps some men can weigh in.

[Tyger]

There could be many factors into her not wanting sex: the after-baby body, the antidepressants can definitely cause lack of sex drive, being in Mommy Mode, even fear of getting pregnant and going thru all of this all over again. I think it's great that she's finally getting help, but, the medications, if that's what's doing it, can be change for another medication that can have less side-effects, but she needs to talk with the prescribing doctor about that. If the doctor doesn't know there's a problem, they won't change it. And yes, lack of a sex drive is considered a problem, espeically in a marriage. You may want to ask her to make an appointment with that doctor for the BOTH of you to go to so you can address the issue from YOUR side too. I think it's GREAT that you're not pushing her, because she may indeed feel bad about herself and how she just isn't in the mood.

The thing is, is that sex toys are meant to be an enhancing thing in the bedroom. In your case, it would definitely be a replacement, but not because you have a willing partner, just for you something's better than nothing. I really can see your point there. It's a double-edged sword. Where you shouldn't have to worry about going elsewhere for sex, your wife knows that she's not giving it up, so she may have a problem with it. This is where communication is key. Masturbating is normal for everyone, but it shouldn't have to replace the intimacy with your spouse.

How long has she been on the medications? Is there a noticable difference in her moods? Or is it only partially working? Now,with 2 kids, she's going to be tired, and if she's breast-feeding the baby, she will be even MORE dragged out. Trust me, I breastfed our baby for a year, and I was soooooo tired all the time, no matter how many vitamins & sleep I got. It takes a lot of energy for a woman to produce breastmilk.

I hope you speak with her about your concerns. Make sure you don't sound like you're blaming her for this, but that you want your WIFE back. It's hard for many women to get their sex lives back after a baby, cuz they get in Mommy Mode, where all their energy is on the child(ren), and that they don't feel sexy enough to be a WIFE too. Speak to her and kindly suggest that you want to speak with her doctor that prescribed the meds with her there, so you can BOTH figure out what to do next.

Best wishes darlin'!

[kjellis]

Her moods don't swing like they used to. Her therapist said after the diagnosis, alot of women get some instant relief that they aren't going nutbar and that there are proven treatments that work. And that will pretty much cure the outward signs.

But still inside she says the feelings of nervousness and lack of control are still there. Getting better but still there. She has been on the medication for about a month...maybe month and a half. They say after 2 months the effects of the meds really start to show since they start you off low dose then ramp up from there. The meds she is on are the most safe for breastfeeding babies. And the Dr. is really doesn't have 100% confidance in the other ones that claim are safe because there isn't enough research yet to come to a solid conclusion. And in the end I want what is best for the baby and my wife agrees.

We've talked a couple of times about sex, but she gets upset either at me for bringing it up or at herself for being a bad wife. I know the real answer is somewhere in the middle and the swings to either side is just the depression. That is the thing with a woman that has PPD...you can be as calm and loving as you want when you talk to her and it is a crapshoot at best of how she is going to interpet what you just said and how the response will come come out. Ranging from anger, tears, silence (and then the cold shoulder for the rest of the day), a rational truthful answer or guilt.

[kjellis]

The thing that I am having the hardest time with right now is if she doesn't want to talk. I can take my best guess at what is bugging her, but then when I ask I get no answer or she says that isn't it. But then she doesn't want to play 50 questions either.

But then when I stop asking questions, she says I don't care or I'm mad at her. I told her I do care and that is why I want to talk with her. But when she says she doesn't want to talk...what does she want me to do? I'm not ignoring her, I am just trying to do what she wants.

It is just hard because work right now is stressing me out. But I don't want to worry her with any of that stuff. I've made an appointment to go to a dads support group where guys talk about issues and a therapist talks about stratagies that might help the father and the mother.

[leslieanne]

Whos on top - first of all I want to applaud you for being supportive and involved. Getting connected into a support group for you will, I'm sure, be very helpful. Post partum depression is difficult on many levels since symptoms, responses to medication and therapy and how the illnes progresses/improves varies significantly from woman to woman. It will take 6-8 weeks for the anti-depressant meds to become fully effective (has to do with reaching a steady state level in her system). Some women notice a response (improved mood or sense of self) as early as 4-5 weeks, but many don't really notice a change for 8-12 weeks.

I would encourage you to consider joint counseling - not to work on her issues, but to get help around the communication issue. Having input from a therapist takes out the "blame" aspect and puts it in to the frame work of "this is one more aspect of what we need to address to help you move through the depression and get your life back". Without improved overall communication it is unlikely she will engage in any conversation about sex and if the conversation doesn't happen it highly unlikely that sex will. Once the relationship between your wife, you and therapist is established, commentary about sex can be brought up as a part of the overall communication part of the relationship.

In my experience with my patients it is often a long road with improvements (small to moderate) followed by plateau's. While I appreciate your desire to restart your sex life I would encourage you to focus on the communication aspect of the relationship first. In the long run that will most likely bring the results you desire.

[kjellis]

Her Dr doesn't have her on sleeping pills or anything. We just try and get the kids to bed at a more reasonable hour these days and try to get to bed earlier ourselves as being over tired makes the symptoms worse.

It's hard to say if things are getting better. She seems to be willing to talk about more things now. But at the same time she wants to know what I feel and so I told her sometimes I feel alone in the woods trying to figure out things. Then she got upset at herself for isolating me when she gets attention from her therapist and support group. But she wanted to know how I felt and that was the honest answer.

I went to her latest therapy session. Dr was a little shocked I was there but said that it was a good thing. From what I have read, partners are encouraged to come to at least a few of the sessions. But I have never been asked to. Well once I was. But from my research should have been more. I guess every therapist has a different style.

We are going on a bit of a weekend trip soon. Just get away from life for awhile and take care of ourselves. Hopefully it is a positive experience.