Members cowgirl Posted March 16, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone throughthe pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing outLOUD!Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.Here's what happened:Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the twolizards he holds prisoner in his room.'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'mserious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face andfollowed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizardswas indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. Iimmediately knew what to do.'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's havingbabies.''What?' my son demanded. 'But their names areBert and Ernie, Mom!'I was equally outraged.'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn'twant them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in theircage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' Ireminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweetvoice, while gritting my teeth).'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, youknow,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).By now the rest of the family had gathered to seewhat was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracleof birth..''Oh, gross!' they shrieked'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wantedto know.We peered at the patient. After much struggling, whatlooked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishinga scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' Inoted.'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.'Do something, Dad!' my son urged..'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.It disappeared. I tried several more times with thesa me results.'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove tothe vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted tohim. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boyis of her womb, for God's sake.). The vet took Ernie back to the examining room andpeered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggestedscientifically.'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us.. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. Andoccasionally, as they come into maturity, like mostmale species, they um . . um .. . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,glancing at my wife..We were silent, absorbing this.'So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited,' my wife offered.'Exactly ! ! the vet replied , relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started togiggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but notbelieving that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness...Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . 'She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more..'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet andhurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back intothe car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsingwith laughter.Two lizards: $140.One cage: $50.Trip to the vet: $30.Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.Lizards lay eggs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted March 16, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 That's great! Thanks for the laugh!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 :lol: Great Story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mystofpric Posted March 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 HAHAHA I'm sitting hear reading this going "But I thought... No but they... HAHAHAH EWWW He wanked off repto-ernie!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shariana Posted March 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 LOLLOVE IT! =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members triedntru Posted March 18, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 OMG!!! that was priceless. Thank you for the laugh. I needed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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