Tyger Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 OK, I don't think I've bitched about my hubby here. And, I know that each time he's home isn't going to be all sunshine & roses, however, this stint home really sucked the proverbial ass.First, he got sick with the flu. OK, not his fault. He slept most of it away. Can't say I blame him.However, there's been a few issues that never seem to get resolved, no matter how many times I try and discuss it with him. I swear, sometimes he views me more as a person he is in competition with, or almost like rivalry. It's wierd. Everytime I ask him to do anything around here, he pitches a literal fit. He can go off and help other people, and not complain once, but, he seems to fight me with everything that I ask him to do, which really isn't much.He seems to have the archaic view that, since he makes the majority of the $$ that, on his weeks off, he shouldn't have to do a g.damn thing around here, at all. So, I basically have told him that it's not fair to think that way. He has 4 things he needs to do for his 'chores': take the trash to the dump, feed the horses, take care of his laundry (fold & put away), and mow the lawn. Wow, is that A LOT or what? I totally appreciate how hard he does work, however, I don't ever get a week off......and really, can he truly expect me to do EVERYTHING all of the fuckin' time? Yes, he can, and yes he does. Even when I am sick, I still need to do stuff around here, but when he's sick, the world stops revolving....honestly, it does! Hell, even if I take a NAP, the house goes to shit. He doesn't pick up, DD makes messes, and he just lets me take care of it all, knowing how tired or sick, or both I am. It's very sad, really.One issue that struck tonight is the trash issue. Here's a bit of a background: 4 yrs ago, DH cancelled the trash service, against my wishes. Said that it's cheaper to take it to the dump. So, I told him that that was going to be HIS chore. Each and EVERY damn time he bitches about the trash. First, he'd use the excuse that we used cheap generic bags, which is why the animals shredded the hell outta them, and tore the trash all over the area where the trash is put. Yeah, ok, news flash cowboy, no matter WHAT sort of bags you use, racoons, possoms, cats, armidillos, and whatever other critters are out there have these sharp things called CLAWS & TEETH with which they shred & tear into things with. Hmm......OK, I get the really good contractor bags, Hefty brand. Well, I'll be damned, the animals SHREDDED those too!! Who'd uv thunk it? I kept my sarcasm to myself. He was suppose to take the trash to the dump the last time he was home. Asked me not to "nag him", even though my "nagging" is asking him (literally) "please don't forget to take the trash to the dump hon" 3 times during the week. Yeah, I know, I am sooooo harsh. He forgot, cuz I didn't "nag" him. So, I told him that I was going to tell him as often as I felt necessary this time.So, I told him that I had cleaned up the trash 4 times this week, (plus all the normal housework) and it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd remembered to do it the last time he was home, and that, since I'd already cleaned it up I wasn't helping him do it yet again. Plus, he knew my allergies and asthma had been acting up the last few days, and STILL he got pissed off at me that I wasn't going to help him. He said "I'll remember that". I told him to go ahead and remember it. LOL I didn't care.Several months ago, I told him that I wouldn't bitch about having to get the horsefeed (which I am NOT suppose to be lifting at 50lbs a bag, having had a c-section & also a car accident so I have a bad back), if he'd just do the damn trash. I'm such a bitch, huh?He gets most of it up, and swears up and down that I was to take some bags to the dump, end of discussion. I said, no, not end of discussion. And then I asked him to please listen to me, and that I wasn't going to yell or be yelled at. I told him that I don't appreciate being spoken too like I am his slave, and that, although I appreciate what he does, I shouldn't feel like I have to tiptoe around asking him to do stuff around here, when he goes all over the place for everyone else. I ask him to do very little around here, and he really should consider himself lucky how "easy" he has it here.What other woman, would not bitch, moan, whine, or complain about the amount of time he's gone? Stay faithful to him for these past 3 years while feeling lonely and a bit neglected? What other woman would let him go hunting for days on end, even when she is lonely as hell, just so HE can have fun? Or "allow" him to go out with the guys for a few beers? Support him in many decisions, and be willing to help out as much as possible, financially? Yes, I do all of this. Yes, I am lonely as hell. And yes, I've told him this. Even his own FATHER has told him that he leaves me alone too much, and that he's surprised I haven't had an affair on him, and that he wouldn't BLAME me if I DID!!! His father spoke to him on his own, no prodding from me either. His father had asked me how often he was gone, and noticed that, even when he was suppose to be home, he wasn't, and that he was going to speak to his son. I told him that that was on him, and I wasn't asking him to do so.I also reminded him that, if he'd wanted a "good lil' wifey" that went with every decision he made, nodded and said "yes dear" to everything, with no mind or will of her own, he knew from the get-go that he was NOT going to get that from me, and I don't appreciate how he's been with me lately.When I was done I said, thru some slight stupid involuntary teary action (I hate crying) that I didn't appreciate his attitude, and that I didn't think I was asking too much.Anyway, sorry for taking up so much time. Just needed to rant a bit. 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Members ladylove Posted June 10, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Hay Tyger sorry your having such a horrible time of it. You've been married for a while so you know marriage is cyclical. Unfortunately it sounds like your scraping bottom right now. I'm giving you my opinion wanted or not. First off, Don't argue about the trash. The next time your husband is home just say to him "look I can't do it all, the trash is your responsibility. You work very hard and I understand you just don't remember, so I'll be restarting the service as of -----." He'll probably complain a little and tell you he'll do it, just say "fine". But if it get to be to much for you and you don't seem to have the time to go to the dump I'll be restarting it. Then DROP it. He'll take the trash to the dump once or twice or for a little while, then he'll probably tire of it. DO NOT say one word about it. Just restart the service. When he asks you why, just simply tell him he work way to hard and this is your way of helping him out. The $$ argument has got to stop once and for all. You have insinuated this before in other posts. As an argument this needs to be taken off the table. You do your part, he's doing his done. And about the 'allowing him' thing. Don't say those words to him, because we both know he's not your kid and you can't allow or disallow him to do anything. You can tell him you don't want him to do something, but the ultimate decision is his. The next time he wants to go hunting, just tell him you miss time with him, and would really like to reconnect and hang out with him. You miss him terribly when he's not home, but the decision is his to make. Life is all about choices, and he need to make his own.Your home is both your responsibilities. You try to do it all, but their are things you just need a man for. He may need to be needed, and feeling like a work horse as you are. Make him feel needed instead of making him feel like he has another job.Just my two cents...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunday Posted June 10, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Sometimes I wonder why people try to live together. I guess it works for some. It's a lot harder than they make it sound on TV sitcoms.Sorry for the trouble you're having Tyger. The problems are probably minor and could be fixed with a little counseling to teach you two how to speak, listen, and be heard. I think the problem is husband isn't listening to/hearing what you are saying. If he IS hearing it and just doesn't give a sh*t - he's a jerk and doesn't deserve you. OK, I don't think I've bitched about my hubby here. And, I know that each time he's home isn't going to be all sunshine & roses, however, this stint home really sucked the proverbial ass.First, he got sick with the flu. OK, not his fault. He slept most of it away. Can't say I blame him.However, there's been a few issues that never seem to get resolved, no matter how many times I try and discuss it with him. I swear, sometimes he views me more as a person he is in competition with, or almost like rivalry. It's wierd. Everytime I ask him to do anything around here, he pitches a literal fit. He can go off and help other people, and not complain once, but, he seems to fight me with everything that I ask him to do, which really isn't much.He seems to have the archaic view that, since he makes the majority of the $$ that, on his weeks off, he shouldn't have to do a g.damn thing around here, at all. So, I basically have told him that it's not fair to think that way. He has 4 things he needs to do for his 'chores': take the trash to the dump, feed the horses, take care of his laundry (fold & put away), and mow the lawn. Wow, is that A LOT or what? I totally appreciate how hard he does work, however, I don't ever get a week off......and really, can he truly expect me to do EVERYTHING all of the fuckin' time? Yes, he can, and yes he does. Even when I am sick, I still need to do stuff around here, but when he's sick, the world stops revolving....honestly, it does! Hell, even if I take a NAP, the house goes to shit. He doesn't pick up, DD makes messes, and he just lets me take care of it all, knowing how tired or sick, or both I am. It's very sad, really.One issue that struck tonight is the trash issue. Here's a bit of a background: 4 yrs ago, DH cancelled the trash service, against my wishes. Said that it's cheaper to take it to the dump. So, I told him that that was going to be HIS chore. Each and EVERY damn time he bitches about the trash. First, he'd use the excuse that we used cheap generic bags, which is why the animals shredded the hell outta them, and tore the trash all over the area where the trash is put. Yeah, ok, news flash cowboy, no matter WHAT sort of bags you use, racoons, possoms, cats, armidillos, and whatever other critters are out there have these sharp things called CLAWS & TEETH with which they shred & tear into things with. Hmm......OK, I get the really good contractor bags, Hefty brand. Well, I'll be damned, the animals SHREDDED those too!! Who'd uv thunk it? I kept my sarcasm to myself. He was suppose to take the trash to the dump the last time he was home. Asked me not to "nag him", even though my "nagging" is asking him (literally) "please don't forget to take the trash to the dump hon" 3 times during the week. Yeah, I know, I am sooooo harsh. He forgot, cuz I didn't "nag" him. So, I told him that I was going to tell him as often as I felt necessary this time.So, I told him that I had cleaned up the trash 4 times this week, (plus all the normal housework) and it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd remembered to do it the last time he was home, and that, since I'd already cleaned it up I wasn't helping him do it yet again. Plus, he knew my allergies and asthma had been acting up the last few days, and STILL he got pissed off at me that I wasn't going to help him. He said "I'll remember that". I told him to go ahead and remember it. LOL I didn't care.Several months ago, I told him that I wouldn't bitch about having to get the horsefeed (which I am NOT suppose to be lifting at 50lbs a bag, having had a c-section & also a car accident so I have a bad back), if he'd just do the damn trash. I'm such a bitch, huh?He gets most of it up, and swears up and down that I was to take some bags to the dump, end of discussion. I said, no, not end of discussion. And then I asked him to please listen to me, and that I wasn't going to yell or be yelled at. I told him that I don't appreciate being spoken too like I am his slave, and that, although I appreciate what he does, I shouldn't feel like I have to tiptoe around asking him to do stuff around here, when he goes all over the place for everyone else. I ask him to do very little around here, and he really should consider himself lucky how "easy" he has it here.What other woman, would not bitch, moan, whine, or complain about the amount of time he's gone? Stay faithful to him for these past 3 years while feeling lonely and a bit neglected? What other woman would let him go hunting for days on end, even when she is lonely as hell, just so HE can have fun? Or "allow" him to go out with the guys for a few beers? Support him in many decisions, and be willing to help out as much as possible, financially? Yes, I do all of this. Yes, I am lonely as hell. And yes, I've told him this. Even his own FATHER has told him that he leaves me alone too much, and that he's surprised I haven't had an affair on him, and that he wouldn't BLAME me if I DID!!! His father spoke to him on his own, no prodding from me either. His father had asked me how often he was gone, and noticed that, even when he was suppose to be home, he wasn't, and that he was going to speak to his son. I told him that that was on him, and I wasn't asking him to do so.I also reminded him that, if he'd wanted a "good lil' wifey" that went with every decision he made, nodded and said "yes dear" to everything, with no mind or will of her own, he knew from the get-go that he was NOT going to get that from me, and I don't appreciate how he's been with me lately.When I was done I said, thru some slight stupid involuntary teary action (I hate crying) that I didn't appreciate his attitude, and that I didn't think I was asking too much.Anyway, sorry for taking up so much time. Just needed to rant a bit. 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Tyger Posted June 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Yes, I see what y'all are saying. I think that our stubborn independance helps this situation actually work, most of the time. I'm strong-willed, and so is he. However, the last few years, I have been the one to give in, and he won't at all. The last 8 mos or so, I've been putting my "foot down" so to speak, and letting him know that it can't always be HIS way. Of course everyone wants things THEIR way. LOL But it's just not realistic in a relationship.As for the "allow", that's why I put it in quotation marks. I don't say "allow" to him, but what I mean is, I don't guilt him into staying, or call him 20 times a night when he goes out (on the rare occassions I do go out, he DOES call me 20 times!! LOL). The last time I went out, and he called me so much, I told him that I was going to do that to him, just so he can see what it's like. And I did. He hated it, so he doesn't do that much anymore. I trust him, and I would think, that, after all this time, he'd trust me too. Hell, it's not like I haven't had the offers or opportunity to cheat on him! LOLIf I "give in" and do the work myself, he just takes full advantage. I have said "I can't do it ALL darlin'" and he has yet to hear me. I totally get HIS frustration at me not folding his laundry. However, with everything else I do around here, I feel 100x more frustration. I understand that marriage is all about compromise, but not ALL give and no take, if you KWIM.He has said to me in the past that he kept a very clean house when he was married to his 2 other wives, since they were lazy and didn't do anything. I told him that he couldn't prove it by me, and that he can't "punish" me for their laziness, cuz that wasn't fair. I told him he wouldn't like it if I punished HIM for my ex husband's behavior, and I got a resounding "aw hell naw" for that comment, but I was trying to make a point in a way he can understand it. Which is really what I try and do. Think about what it is that is bugging me or him, and approach it in a way that he, as a man, can understand it, without getting all blubbery and all that.I do want to go back to work, but, at this time, I have nobody reliable to help with our daughter if she gets sick, or during summer break and other vacations. His father said they'd help, but I called one day, and he refused to wake his wife up and ask her if she could watch DD for a few hours, and I needed an answer (I had to go to work, and she was sick). Plus, he's not home a lot, and we can't schedule when she gets sick!! LOL And the house suffers. He cooked, twice, and I was very appreciative of it, but not of the mess he made (he absolutely refuses to do dishes). I feel that the small areas I'm bitching about I need to stand my ground on. I know for a fact that he will NOT go to counselling, and I've always known that. Usually, we get along pretty well, and the arrangement of our lifestyle/marriage works for us. It's a hard life to have, but we make do with what we have. I do love him, but I'm not going to bow down to him either. LOL So, I will continue to talk to him, until, if need be, I decide enough's enough. I'm not at that point though.I will give him credit, he did listen to me last night, and didn't argue with me when I calmly explained things to him. He didn't agree, but he didn't disagree either........so, let's cross our fingers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted June 10, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Now a glimpse into the roughneck life! Sorry Tyger but most here would never understand that side. I'll reserve my comments on your post for a later post!---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- First a view from the "Beast in the attic!" The new school of pansy assed roughnecks and top drive equipment - Howz about some old school chain hand action - The follwing 2 links come from rigs I have worked on -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYEm5SA-bDY...feature=relatedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8qBvi3lfSQ...feature=relatedHere is a taste of derrick hands - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n18L4hEZ_k...feature=related Now the danger of complacency - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted June 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 No problem Pappy. BTW, he's a derrik hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted June 10, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Look at the top link hon! "Beast in the attic" is only one of our beloved monikers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members square Posted June 11, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 Certain elements of your hub sound like my wife. In the end, is he likely to change? I gave up hoping my wife would ever change, learned to let go and stop caring so much about a lot of stuff that bugged me, and am a happier person for it. (I started writing some examples out, but it fast turned into a book.)For the trash, just start the pick-up service again. Don't even tell him you're going to. Just do it, and be done with it. If the trash drives you nuts that much, whatever you saving by bringing it to the dump ain't worth it. Invest in critter-proof garbage cans. If he wants his laundry folded and put away, let him do it and throw it in a big bin if it gets in your way. Can you break the feed bags open at the store and put them into smaller containers so you don't have to carry so much at a clip? Spend a little more time letting yourself have breaks, vegging, unwinding, taking care of you, and doing things you like doing. I didn't do that for a lot of years, and ended up a pretty burnt out parent and husband, and at one point sent myself down into a nice little spell of depression like I had never experienced before (or since). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted June 11, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 Hey girl You have every right to be upset! I go through this stuff too. Very similar... All you can do is stay open and keep telling him how you feel, like you said, until you feel enough is enough..Spend a little more time letting yourself have breaks, vegging, unwinding, taking care of you, and doing things you like doing. I didn't do that for a lot of years, and ended up a pretty burnt out parent and husband, and at one point sent myself down into a nice little spell of depression like I had never experienced before (or since).That's true too! Square you sound like a friend of mine . Good for you for taking the initiative to make a change! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted June 11, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 In a way I get his side of this! My gf just let the shit pile up until it was do or die. I'm not talking about her feelings either. She stopped doing some of her own part also. After a day or so of that it becomes an eyesore that I cannot tolerate either!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ohshelly Posted June 11, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 Sorry you are feeling so down right now, girl.Sounds like typical married life to me. Yes, most of the time we good wives just go with the flow and either take care of it ourselves or somehow get it all done.BUT............The day does come once in awhile when you have just had enough!!You need to vent and get it out. Well, let it all out, Tyger, because we all understand. And guys, don't beat me up because I am not blaming you!I am sure our men can fill their own thread about what drives them crazy about us.**blink**blink** little ol me? What could he possibly have to complain about me?**bat eyes**bat eyes** We can co~mingle our recyclable materials. The guy likes them sorted. Metal in one, plastic in another, glass.....etc. Drives me crazy! Throw them all in the tub and be done with it!! If I mix them, he will stand there and re sort them.What a waste of time, IMHO. Just one of those things that makes me want to scream. Most of the time I just smile and let him sort them for no good reason, but on occasion.................AAHHHHH!!!!I totally understand, you, Tyg.Also, square is right. Restart your trash pick up asap.End of arguement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members froggystyle1977 Posted June 12, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 You don't ask much you never have, your a independent yankee, a true mainer at heart. That being said I have listened and heard this since you lived in Maine and honestly I don't think anyone reading this rant has any idea the full implications of this. I do and know where your at. HIs lack of respect for you really bothers me and has for some time. The fact that he considers himself the man and you the woman is so 50s and he needs to get over it. I am always here as an ear and a cyber hug.....Moneys tight so I can't visit and that makes it all the harder for me.....HUGS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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