I Don't Even Know What To Feel Right Now...

[Shoop]

K,admit-ably I'm a jealous person but I see it as watching out for myself since I've had a LOT of men cheat on me.

So last night my boyfriend was sitting there with his cell phone and when I came in the room he sort of put it away and something in his body language put up red flags for me. Why didn't he want me to see what he was texting? So I casually asked "who are you texting?"...he responds with a female name that I know, an old friend of his. Let's call her Barb. I said ok, and went out for the night.

When I came home later that night, we spent some time together, had sex etc and he went to bed. I wasn't tired so I got up to call my mom. Welllll she wasn't home and his cell phone was RIGHT THERE...and as much as I know it's WRONG I picked it up and read a bunch of the texts that this Barb had written him. (he'd deleted his sent mail)

Seems that Barb had partner switched with another couple (other close friends, I've met them too) and she was telling my boyfriend about it and how it was causing all of these problems now.

Then I read this one..."If you love Amber, don't do it".

My hands started to shake. Don't do what? What is he considering doing? Oh fuck.

I RAN upstairs and got him out of bed. I couldn't help it. I told him that I'd snooped (and apologized) and asked him what he was planning on doing....

He was angry about me snooping (understandably) and explained that he was REALLY thinking of doing anything, just that when she'd said that they'd partner swapped he said some thing like "that's cool, or that's hot or love to try that" or some thing and she responded with "If you love Amber, don't do it". (because her relationship is in a mess).

Ok, reasonable explanation....and yet I'm still upset. Upset because I realized I'd cut him off and finished his sentence and now I'm hoping that I didn't give him an excuse (he paused at the part when he was telling me how he responded to barb's story, he said "and I said to her...I don't know...that's..." and I inserted "cool or hot or i'd like to try that".). I told him that I was worried that I'd done that and he insisted that was the jist of what he'd said and he said that YES he would like to do that kind of thing but he KNOWS that I'm not into it so that's why he's never said anything.

He got into explaining that with men, sometimes there is someone you LOVE (me) and someone you want to FUCK (other women)...he knows he can ALSO FUCK me but it doesn't mean he doesn't fantasize about other women. He said that I have to trust him or we can't be together (I agree).

I told him that I fantasize about other men too and I know fantasy is normal. I asked him how he felt about that and he said he doesn't care.

I told him that I feel sad on one hand though because although I know fantasy is normal, i want to be EVERYTHING for him and I STRIVE to do that. I try to always look nice for him, I dress sexy, I am always there for him in the bedroom...SO many things. My ex lost interest in me, so i work hard to ensure that HE is less likely to. He said that it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to be everything for him. He says it's an an unattainable goal. Him fantasizing about other woman has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME or how I look or act.

Really, i don't care if he thinks about other woman. I think that's normal. I guess I just don't FULLY trust him considering how we got together (he had a girlfriend, I was still married)...I told him that. We've discussed this many times, how this was our first time doing this (he insisted he'd never cheated on a girlfriend before)...anyways, so with my history of men cheating, plus how we got together, plus I know he has a high sex drive. I worry.

I go off the deep end worry about stuff I tell you. I lay there last night and HE couldn't sleep because he could FEEL me worrying. Seriously. I was just laying there, but the worry was THICK in the silent air. He commented on it a few times. I finally took a sleeping pill.

When I think about this, it's really all about nothing. IF I know everything. IF he's not hiding anything. Then it's really about his friends situation and an off the comment statement he made about liking to try that (which is a feeling a LOT of men have I'm sure).

I mean, earlier in the night he'd looked after my sick 7 year old while I went out with my 5 year old to an event (meaning he does mundane parenting things for me) and later we'd had a discussion about how we may need to do "tough love" on my daughter when she gets older (in 10 years) and how he plans on making sure she is respectful and he's not going to let her walk all over us (she is a strong girl already at 5). So my point in saying this is he's often talking about things that we'll do in 10 years etc, so he's seemingly not planning on GOING anywhere...but still, I worry....

He can't understand why I worry so much. It's because I essentially left my ENTIRE LIFE for this man. I left my husband and left living with my kids full time (now I have 50/50). He said "you wouldn't have left anyways?" and I said that I probably would have ended up leaving IN TIME but not when I did. He sort of sped things up a bit I think...but had he not been around it probably would have taken me longer. So as shitty as that is for my ex and my kids, that's the hard core truth. So that's why this whole thing makes me that much more scared. It tears me up inside worrying that I left my family for nothing. I know I'm going off the deep end right now because according to him he hasn't even DONE anything....

[Tyger]

You've been thru a lot. And I must say, that it's normal for you to worry.....to a degree. However, if your relationship is all about "what is he doing now?" then it's really not much of one. You're wasting valuable energy in the "what-ifs" and not enjoying the reality of the relationship.

Can you trust him? Do you think that you can let the past go? Don't punish him for what other men have done to you, it's not fair to your relationship. I will say that a man that is just looking for a fling, doesn't talk about the future of your kids with you. Most men, that are just in it for the sex and a casual relationship, won't pay the kids much attention at all.

I'm not blaming you for your past lovers cheating, however, I will tell you that many men have the feeling (as do many women) that if they're going to be constantly accused of cheating, they may as well go ahead & do it. If you are constantly accusing men of cheating, and they're not, again, you're wasting energy that could be put elsewhere into the relationship. He explained the texts to you, and he was probably hiding them, knowing how you'd react. You needed to calm your suspicions, however now you've made HIM feel violated and betrayed by sneaking. Did it help things? Probably not.

What you wrote about fantasies is true, however you sound like you're contradicting yourself too: "I know it's normal to fantasize about others, I fantasize about other men, but it bothers me that he fantasizes about other women". HUH!? It IS normal to fantasize about other people, even if you are DEEPLY in love with someone. It helps keep your mind sharp, and desires up too. You really can't expect him to stop doing fantasizing. Telling him that you fantasize about others and then get disappointed that he understands that ("how do you feel about that?"), and is OK with that, is almost equivelant to sticking your tongue out at him and going "neener neener neeeeeener". It's childish behavior. Fantasies really can't be controlled. It's like trying to control your opinions. You feel how you feel, right or wrong, it's how you feel.

IMHO, I would just take his word for it. There ARE good men out there. Not ALL men cheat. Unless you find HARDCORE proof that he's doing you wrong, you either need to trust his word, or move on, cuz you're making both of you miserable.

No relationship is perfect, trust me, I do know this. OPEN communication is key, as is being mature about it. Blame-games don't work.

Every relationship has its ups & downs. To a point, he is right, you can't be EVERYTHING to one person. I mean, you can't be his MOTHER or sister, right? If you were his EVERYTHING, what would you be to your kids? Your mother? Other people in your life? Do you really want to have your lives so secluded that, nobody can come in and be a part of it? Such as friends? Family? Co-workers?

I hope that things work out for you both, I really do.

Good luck!

[Shoop]

Hey, just to clarify I DON'T accuse men of cheating before they have, GENERALLY. I just mean in the past that is what they did, and then I'd find out about it. I don't do this to my boyfriend (Or I don't think I have...) but I guess in a way I did last night.

And as for the fantasy thing, I ONLY told him that I fantasized about other men AFTER he essentially told me that he thought about other women. I said it as a "it's ok that you do it, because I do it too" type of thing. I wasn't trying to rub his face in it, i just wanted him to know that he wasn't ALL I think of, considering he'd just told me that I wasn't all HE thought of. That may sound vindictive, it didn't come out that way.

Ok, so I just need to CHILL. Ok. Ok. That's IS really want I want to hear and want to do.

I know, it's the low self esteem part of me that wants to be everything to him. I know it's unreasonable, i do. I even said that to him last night.

I know, the fact that he's talking about parenting "issues" that we may have 10 years from now does not say to me that he's on the the way out. I know. I'm just scared. I learned (through leaving my marriage) that nothing lasts forever and so I guess part of me is just WAITING for this to end. I DO NOT "LIVE" that feeling nor do I 'SAY' it out loud (YOU GUYS are the first people to hear me say that) but I guess that's my deep down fear.

Ok, crucify me. I probably deserve it because I sound like a nutcase. I'm aware.

[Tyger]

I wasn't trying to crucify you. Just going by what you posted, darlin'.

If a guy looses interest in you, as you stated, it's probably not YOUR fault. Men that aren't ready for steady/serious relationships will loose interest. Hell, look at all the drop-dead gorgeous ladies that were cheated on! Like, for example, and an infamous one, Jennifer Anniston. I find her totally hot. She was cheated on. No matter who you are, how attractive you are, people DO loose interest sometimes. Don't blame yourself for what THEY did to you. No matter what YOU do, whether it's you, or another poster reading, if someone wants to cheat, they will. There's NOTHING you can do to prevent it. It's NOT a reflection on YOU as a person. It's on the cheater.

I was letting you know that, from your post, you sounded like you were accussing every guy cuz they all cheated on you. Maybe I took that wrong, but that's what I got from it. Hell, I've felt like that. My ex husband accussed me ALL the time of cheating on him. In fact, HE was the one cheating on me. I told him one day (before I found out he cheated on me) that if he kept it up, I may as WELL cheat on him, if he's gonna accuse me of it so much. LOL So I've been there, done that.

There was a girl in town, that looked very similar to me, and drove the same kind of car, same color and everything, as mine. Except her car had a gray accent on the bottom and t-tops. She had a BF. My husband at the time, accused me of having a guy that looked like this girl's BF, in my car, and that I was kissing him. Hubby's friend saw me. So, we were big CBers at the time, and this friend was on the CB. So I hopped on mine, and asked the CBer if my car that he saw the guy in had t-tops and a gray stripe on the bottom (it was a Firebird and everyone knew my car). He said yes, and I had my husband with me when I did this. I threw him the mic and walked off. Nope, not me, thank you for the trust.

You're not a nut-case. You just really need to try to work on your self-esteem. Unless your man really gives you indications that are blatant (and not just in your head), like hotel reciepts, hang up phone calls, girls showing up, and so on, I really wouldn't worry about it. You ARE worth a great relationship, truly. Just be yourself, and enjoy your time with him.

[sun_flower969]

He got into explaining that with men, sometimes there is someone you LOVE (me) and someone you want to FUCK (other women)...he knows he can ALSO FUCK me but it doesn't mean he doesn't fantasize about other women. He said that I have to trust him or we can't be together (I agree).

OK sweetie listen to me, I have been through so much shit. HOW are you supposed to trust him if he is telling you he is fantasizing about fucking other women?? That's what's eating you up! You are NOT wrong!

Also you should not beat yourself up about looking at his phone. You felt an intuition. If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't CARE!! He needs to MAKE you trust him if nothing is going on! You have been through way too much to just blindly trust him after learning this stuff!

Do not let this one go until you feel 100% settled, seriously! If he is thinking about cheating it's not like he is going to tell you! Maybe you should lay it out and tell him he needs to really figure out what he wants. You don't deserve to be treated like that! If you expect exclusivity and he knows that then that is what he should be giving you if he wants to be in a relationship with you!!

Now who is this chick he is texting with about sexual things??? THAT alone would send me over the edge! That is pretty inappropriate if you ask me!! She needs to talk to someone else about her shit not YOUR man!!! Just my opinion however!

Best of luck to you, keep us posted!

[Shoop]

just as i was thinking of letting this go...ulgh.

The chick is an old friend of his. He has a bunch of friends who live 3 hrs away in his home town. She's one of them.

Well DONT' all men fantasize about fucking other women? If it's just fantasy, it's ok...right? As long as it doesn't stray to DOING IT.

I mean, I've been having NEAR DAILY fantasies lately about fucking my BF, Sidney Crosby and another rock star guy (yes all at once, they all LOOK similar and I think that's hot, LOL) for the past few weeks. So how is that any different from his fantasies?

He wasn't really HIDING the text from me, it's just when I came in the room he didn't KEEP texting. He stopped and lowered his phone.

I asked him WHY he'd not told me what was going on with BARB because if I knew I'd not have been suspicious. He said he just found out that day and when was he supposed to tell me? with my grandma standing right there? (she was). Hmmmm...

[sun_flower969]

just as i was thinking of letting this go...ulgh.

The chick is an old friend of his. He has a bunch of friends who live 3 hrs away in his home town. She's one of them.

Well DONT' all men fantasize about fucking other women? If it's just fantasy, it's ok...right? As long as it doesn't stray to DOING IT.

I mean, I've been having NEAR DAILY fantasies lately about fucking my BF, Sidney Crosby and another rock star guy (yes all at once, they all LOOK similar and I think that's hot, LOL) for the past few weeks. So how is that any different from his fantasies?

He wasn't really HIDING the text from me, it's just when I came in the room he didn't KEEP texting. He stopped and lowered his phone.

I asked him WHY he'd not told me what was going on with BARB because if I knew I'd not have been suspicious. He said he just found out that day and when was he supposed to tell me? with my grandma standing right there? (she was). Hmmmm...

Fantasy is one thing but fantasizing about "fucking" another woman, like in real life, is different. You do what you think is best hon. I just hope you don't get burned!

Sure everyone has fantasies but you don't HAVE to accept something that makes you feel uncomfortable, just because "all men have fantasies" sorry, no sir!

I don't know your man and you seemed really happy in the past, you could be overreacting and jumping the gun... but what if you are not... Again do what you think is best. I hope it all works out for you!

[pappyld04]

Put that young man on the phone! - From one man to another I understand the fantasy thing. Women are more secretive in this area so it normally comes off as fake regardless of the answer when it is thrown about in a vindictive way.

With that said, his texting is improper no matter which way he sums it up! I won't venture a guess here as to how improper but IT IS! Had you known, approved of the conversations, or even started them it may be different.

Granted this may be a fantasy thing carried too far. That is not the feeling I get from the original post though! I wouldn't say "jet his ass" with only one side, but this needs to be discussed at length without giving him any easy answers!

[Shoop]

well that's what I said. If he could have TOLD me about the texts with Barb I'd not have been hit with red flags. But his answer is that he'd JUST found out about it THAT DAY (that Barb had been partner switching with his other couple friends) and he'd not had time to tell me (my grandma WAS there the whole time). I wonder whether he would of anyways (he generally is less talkative and doesn't tell me EVERYTHING whereas he knows EVERYTHING about what's happening in the relationship of MY girlfriends!). I did tell him that.

I'm not sure that he was fantasizing about actually DOING it, I think he meant that he THINKS about it...like in fantasy...I mean my EX-H told me (when we had broken up or were breaking up actually) that he'd fantasized about "ALL of my friends". Not that that is ok, but that's what he said. So maybe men just DO THIS!

Thinking about stuff like this is enough to make me want to be a lesbian, I tell ya. But in reality, I don't really want to do that either. LOL. It's just that I don't understand men.

[raniedaize]

Okay, this is how I see it (and having not been there):

Grandma was present, you were absent, he was texting, he quits to spend time more exclusively with you upon your return? Later on, you check out his phone. You discover Barb was relaying her personal horrific experience with partner swapping with other friends. You read, "If you love Amber, don't do it." This, to me, seems as if Barb was more advocating his love for you than anything else. By following through with her advice to "not do it," he may have taken this to mean that it's such an absolute horrible, very bad idea that it's not even worth mentioning the idea to you. Why? Because, according to that text, he loves you.

Now, according to the appropriateness of their conversation, that would deal directly with the level of comfort all of you guys share with each other. If anything sexual is often discussed amongst y'all, then I don't see the big deal. If this whole ordeal has completely screwed everything up in her life with her friends where's she at and she just needed a third party to confide in, I can understand--especially since they have been friends for so long. If this has always been a white-laced, very prim and proper type of nature for the relationship which suddenly got covered with scarlet red due to the nature of the discussion, THEN you may be rightfully worried.

For example, my best friend/cousin's fiance will answer the phone with "Hey, sexy/sugar momma/etc." when he knows it's me...and right IN FRONT OF HER!!! Why? Because I'm the only chick he can get by with hitting on, and HE KNOWS THAT. She, then, of course, also knows it's me on the phone and tries to take it from him. Why? Because I'm always calling to talk to HER anyway! hahaha. She laughs, he laughs, I laugh. It's all good. Now, if he were to behave that way with ANYBODY ELSE, he'd be castraited in a heartbeat.

The question, my dear, what kind of line do you guys walk with her and how far did he actually get off of it? With Grandma around, yeah, he probably shouldn't have brought it up then. Being a guy and HUMAN, the conversation may have escaped his mind later that night. And by loving you enough to "not do it"--introducing extra partners into your relationship--he may have figured that it would be best to just not be brought up because you are, after all, worth keeping around. He'd be blind and stupid to not see that.

So, relax, take a bath, breathe, re-evaluate with a CLEAR head, breathe some more, and then act in whatever way you see fitting. And remember, we all have crazy things going on in our heads.

Just be careful to not over-react, but don't UNDER-react either!

Best wishes to you!!!

[pappyld04]

I'm not sure that he was fantasizing about actually DOING it, I think he meant that he THINKS about it...like in fantasy...I mean my EX-H told me (when we had broken up or were breaking up actually) that he'd fantasized about "ALL of my friends". Not that that is ok, but that's what he said. So maybe men just DO THIS!

{This happens very often with men and women. It is more typical than anything. It is how one acts upon those thoughts that matters!}

Thinking about stuff like this is enough to make me want to be a lesbian, I tell ya. But in reality, I don't really want to do that either. LOL. It's just that I don't understand men.

To be honest very few men understand themselves. Even fewer that could understand women!

[Shoop]

Okay, this is how I see it (and having not been there):

Grandma was present, you were absent, he was texting, he quits to spend time more exclusively with you upon your return? Later on, you check out his phone. You discover Barb was relaying her personal horrific experience with partner swapping with other friends. You read, "If you love Amber, don't do it." This, to me, seems as if Barb was more advocating his love for you than anything else. By following through with her advice to "not do it," he may have taken this to mean that it's such an absolute horrible, very bad idea that it's not even worth mentioning the idea to you. Why? Because, according to that text, he loves you.

Now, according to the appropriateness of their conversation, that would deal directly with the level of comfort all of you guys share with each other. If anything sexual is often discussed amongst y'all, then I don't see the big deal. If this whole ordeal has completely screwed everything up in her life with her friends where's she at and she just needed a third party to confide in, I can understand--especially since they have been friends for so long. If this has always been a white-laced, very prim and proper type of nature for the relationship which suddenly got covered with scarlet red due to the nature of the discussion, THEN you may be rightfully worried.

For example, my best friend/cousin's fiance will answer the phone with "Hey, sexy/sugar momma/etc." when he knows it's me...and right IN FRONT OF HER!!! Why? Because I'm the only chick he can get by with hitting on, and HE KNOWS THAT. She, then, of course, also knows it's me on the phone and tries to take it from him. Why? Because I'm always calling to talk to HER anyway! hahaha. She laughs, he laughs, I laugh. It's all good. Now, if he were to behave that way with ANYBODY ELSE, he'd be castraited in a heartbeat.

The question, my dear, what kind of line do you guys walk with her and how far did he actually get off of it? With Grandma around, yeah, he probably shouldn't have brought it up then. Being a guy and HUMAN, the conversation may have escaped his mind later that night. And by loving you enough to "not do it"--introducing extra partners into your relationship--he may have figured that it would be best to just not be brought up because you are, after all, worth keeping around. He'd be blind and stupid to not see that.

So, relax, take a bath, breathe, re-evaluate with a CLEAR head, breathe some more, and then act in whatever way you see fitting. And remember, we all have crazy things going on in our heads.

Just be careful to not over-react, but don't UNDER-react either!

Best wishes to you!!!

Hey

i have NO idea how their relationship is really. I know her, but not well. I am very open about talking about sex stuff with my friends, so I guess I am not totally shocked that she was talking to him about this stuff. Plus they are all on the younger side (23-26) and I think that that generation was brought up to be pretty open about talking about sex...right? Either way, I don't know if I want to take on the "you can't talk to your friends the way you want to or the way they want to talk to you" thing. I'm going to let that one go (since she was telling him about some thing in HER life, NOT TALKING SEXUALLY TO HIM if that makes sense, I'd freak if it was TO him) and trust him on that one.

and yes, i think he probably forgot to tell me later or knowing him he just figured it had nothing to do with me and not being a gossipy girl type (like me, I tell him EVERYTHING about some of my friends) he logically thought "why would I tell her". (I did discuss that factor with him and told him if he'd told me I'd have KNOWN why he was texting with her and would have never checked his phone.