Tyger

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde . "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what the hell would you say?"

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA. 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN, no name AND FINALLY!!!... 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

I've been in retail since 1991. It's true that some people go thru their retail lives such as this, but it is what you make of it. No offense to Wal*Mart or their associates, since I was a front end night time cashier for over a year, but most cashiers are there for the paycheck, and interact as mininally as possible. I always tried to be as friendly and fun as I could be. If you actually acknowledge your customers and talk with them a little bit, even for the time it takes to ring them in, you've made a positive impression on them as an associate, and for the business you work for. Before that, I've worked for Rich's (a northern chain which is now closed), Sears (2 different stores), and TJ Maxx. All of which (except WM) I made middle management positions. You have to go in with a more positive attitude, smile, try and have fun with every situation. If you make comments or even a "wow, is THIS on CLEARANCE??" comments, customers LOVE hearing they found a great deal, and you can make your transactions more FUN, and possibly even build up a good repitoire (sp) with customers. I had one set of customers (a mother, father, and a son) that came in, and would search out my line at WM. The mother had cancer/hysterectomy, father was working advertising, and the son went to school. It got down to the point where if I didn't see them for a while, when they came in, they were full of info, and I was sooo happy to see she was ok. We even gave each other hugs. I wasn't saying that retail workers are stupid. My original post said nothing of the sort. Basically, most cashiers are soooo use to getting full bills, that they get "out of the groove" if you give them a penny to offset something, or exact change. Some have no clue how to handle it. Many people aren't cut out for the work that retail workers have to put up with and do. Customers don't seem to notice good retailers, but really notice bad ones. Only people that have DONE any sort of customer service (retail, waitresses, ect) really notice the good and the bad. So, please don't think that I would ever INSULT retail workers.

OK, if iha was over 10" long, I guess his name would have to be "i*choking sound*". LMAO And, iha, you are FAR from "average".

If the wax is designed for "wax play", then it should come off easily without any other aides. Does the candle have anything on it for tips, tricks, or hints?

Wow, thanks for sharing your favorites!!! I think I've seen "The Tentacle", doesn't it look like a swirly colorful octopus tentacle?

You & I are a lot alike!! LOL I do this. And, what kills me, is that even the cashiers at Wal*Mart, who have automatic figuring registers, look at me funny when I do that. One said, rather disgustedly, "well, you're still getting coins back", and I told her that I wasn't getting as much back, and no pennies, and if she wanted to refuse my money, I would speak with a CSM. Having worked there before, I felt super-confident anyway. LOL I did report that cashier, to a CSM that I knew well too.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE SO FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips, an elderly man, from Phoenix, AZ, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house"? He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me". Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay". He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed", "Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them", and he hung up. Within three minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them"! George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available"!! " (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with us old people.

Um.......my hubby's close to that..... Anyway, the average length of a hard penis is about 6". Keep in mind, that the people that "study" these things, get the numbers from the long & the short of things, literally. Then they average the number out (division and all that). So, "average" is just kinda an estimate. Whether you're 4" long hard, or 10" long hard, as long as you make an honest effort to please a woman, usually, size won't matter. Just remember, that the length of your penis has NOTHING to do with your sexual health or prowess. It's like breasts. Though a woman may have large breasts, that doesn't mean she's a tiger in bed, or will be a good mother (cuz breasts are for babies/milk ya know). It all depends on your confidence, abilities, and willingness to please and teach your lover how to please you.

Congratulations darlin'!!! The ring sounds gorgeous, and he sounds like a real sweetie for setting it up.

OK, I understand that there are some people out there that haven't had the education I have, and I haven't done much past high school (some trade school). I admit, I suck at most math problems too. However, on another message board I belong too (local), there are some really really nice people, but then there are some really, really um, stupid people. There, I said it! One person posted that they needed help, and others responded, which they normally do, and I checked it out too. They wanted to know....get this........how to figure out 50 cents on the dollar. Yes, truly. If you can't figure out THAT sort of money figuring, as an adult, then, you really need to go back to school. I was so disgusted, I had to opt NOT to respond.

Holy Hubba Hubba!!!!!

Congrats on braving the first posting!!! As far as toy introductions, I totally know how you feel. I love sex toys (duh). I've never hidden the fact that I use them. But, I did let new lovers know (I've been with my hubby now going on 8 yrs) that I used them, and that was something I enjoyed. But I also told them that, unless they asked, I would leave them for my private time. I never forced them to watch me use them, or insist that I use them. More often than not, they'd get curious and ask to use them with me. This way, they considered it "their idea" and were more comfortable with the thought of it. Until I met my now hubby. He is a southern guy, with old-school values/ways of thinking. For the longest time, he thought of sex toys as competition & replacements, instead of enhancements & fun. Then, soon after I joined TooTimid's Review Team, and started getting more toys in, hubby got curious, and, after many reassurring conversations, he dared use a few on me. He loved my responses, and when we got stuff in that he could use on him too (thanks again Meg & Rob for that!!!), he really opened up, and has changed his mind and trying a lot of new things!! Anyway, good luck, and welcome again to the forums!!!

Wow

Welcome welcome!!! I hope you like us here!!

OK, well, in reading the other responses, you got some GREAT advise. So, here's the deal, from my POV: You are young, and even though you've had some lovers, apparently,they didn't give much in the way of "experience." Don't be too hard on 'em, most young men are in it for the NUT and not much else. How in the world can you expect to have an orgasm when you have difficulty giving yourself one? Yes, you can when you masturbate. Darlin', don't beat yourself up. 80-85% of women (so the vast majority) have to have clit stimulation to be able to orgasm. It depends on the woman, but, some, like myself, need CONSTANT clit stimulation to get off. Other's need it here and there. And, it depends on HOW you're being stimulated. You made a good point when you said that you probably can make yourself cum cuz you know how to do it, and therefore are use to it that way. Our bodies get into "ruts" where they get use to something, and we usually stick with it. It's up to you and your MIND to figure out other ways. Yes, I said it, your MIND. Did you know that our BRAINS are the largest sexual organ we have? I don't care what anyone else says, but, if you are stressed out, or thinking about tomorrow's "To Do List", you can't relax enough to have a decent orgasm! Thinking or trying hard to cum makes it almost impossible to actually do so. You also need to retrain yourself to not think what you're thinking during sex right now. For example, are you thinking, "There is NO way he's going to be able to stimulate me enough to cum."? If so, he's doomed even before your panties hit the floor. Let your mind go. Literally. Tell it to shut the hell up, and then relax. Concentrate on HOW your BF is stimulating you. Don't worry about anything else. As far as a g-spot orgasm, you really need to learn to walk before you can run. Allowing yourself to be able to orgasm freely, enjoying your body, and the sensations, and learning how to relax is all keys. Shooooooooot, I didn't have my first g-spot orgasm until about 2 yrs ago!!! Yes, really. And it was totally by accident! For me, my hubby has NO chance in hell to manually stimulate me to a g-spot orgasm. I have to have a toy, which can be directed, and it has to be FIRM too. I have a glass toy that works WONDERS for that!!! It's called the Blue Swirl. Glass ROCKS by the way!! LOL G-spots themselves vary from woman to woman. Some women have a fairly "large" patch that can be stimulated, while others have a very small patch, and some women claim not to even have the spongy patch that is known to be the G-Spot. I hope that this, and the other posters, have helped you out. ~Best Wishes~

Welcome to the forum! I always enjoy meeting FRESH MEAT!! LOL

Welcome! I hope you find us "stimulating"!

I scared one one night, by beeping my horn (I had stopped so I wouldn't hit it). It jumped almost as high as the ROOF of my car!! Then it toodles away off the road really "fast" (for them). I almost pissed myself, I was laughing so hard!!! I had NO idea that they could jump at all!

I'll take your word for that. Although, Armidillos can JUMP really high (shockingly enough). It's really funny to scare the crap outta them! Just stand back!

I would LOVE too!!! We're saving $$ for DD's surgery first. Then I may look into it, if I can't get Mirena put in. We have a super-high deductable & really crappy coverage. I have to look into whether or not a tubal would even be covered by our insurance company.

Actually, we have a lot of culdesacs in Texas that look just like that, so it could be. But, I totally agree, who'd want to move away from MOHD? Well, unless he was grillin' up armidillos in the backyard (again)......

I personally wish it could be more. But, with his schedule as it is, and I always seem to be on my period one of his weeks home (he refuses to have sex while I'm on my period, grosses him out), it's hard. Plus, I'm not in the mood a lot, and I know why too. I don't want to get pregnant, and he wants me to get pregnant. Hell, I'm on the Pill, and after we finish up, I put foam up inside too, just to have that extra step!! LOL After DD's surgery, I am going to go speak with my GYN, and see if there's some way for our insurance to cover Mirena. I hate taking pills, and remembering to do so, and I hate putting stuff in my body on a daily basis.

OK, MOD, I guess I'll suffer, and move next door to you....I hope you wouldn't consider ME an asshole!! LMAO

Can I be a path-crossing hottie? You go girl!!! Some men just can't handle an assertive woman. Actually, I'm very very proud of you for stepping up & trying to get out there more. Good for you!!!! *BIG HUGS*