clewing

I totally agree with my fellow posters, but want to add a couple things, too. #1-you said he will tell you he masturbates when you aren't around; well, if he is not willing to come and play when you need/want it, and is so openly masturbating without you, why shouldn't you do the same? #2-you are engaged now; if he doesn't change soon (sex, skipping classes, video games, etc.), he probably won't change after you are married either. Don't want to sound uncaring, that's not what I want at all, but those two things really stood out in your message.

Welcome. I hope you find the help and encouragement you need here. This really is a remarkable group of people whose sole intention is to help others and bring the fun and play back into sex. It has definitely helped me rekindle the fire. And you have people of all ages, from various walks of life. I doubt if there is another forum out there like this.

Welcome--hope you get to like us! This is a great site with wonderful folks!

Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She, "Oh, that feels good." His hand moves to her breast. She, "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She, "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops. She, "Why did you stop?" He, "I found the remote."

Thank you, learning, for your informative response. Appreciate you taking the time.

Welcome! I have a feeling we will love hearing from you as much as we do Mikayla. Love your icon. I had to really look at it close to figure out what it was! Congratulations on the upcoming bundle of joy! I love babies!

Loved your description of your evening Valntyn. Gives me some great ideas. He's controlled my bullets a lot in the bedroom, but never when we were out. A remote controlled one has always been a fantasy of mine, but this could work, too. Thanks for sharing!

It depends on if you count a regular vibrator as a sex toy or not. I had been using a regular vibrator for years, after a former boyfriend showed me that the vibrating attachment on my manicure/facial set could be used for more than facials! After that, I've always had one of the vibrators/massagers you can buy, and have been through about four different ones. Before that, I could never have an orgasm masturbating, and would often be very frustrated when my boyfriend was not around (he was a surveyer and traveled a lot). He also bought one of the old fashioned, straight, plastic vibrators for me (remember, this was 35 years ago) and some French ticklers (do they still make those, do they call them that any more?) which really didn't do much for me. I loved my vibrator and used it alone and with him. Fast forward four years. My boyfriend is now my ex-boyfriend after telling me that he still doesn't want to get married, but he will marry me to keep me from marrying anyone else (so romantic!!!). My now husband has also broken up with his fiance, because he realized the only reason he was engaged to her is because they had sex, and he felt it was the honorable thing to do, and he didn't really love her. He and I have been friends for four months--playing chess and cards, fishing together, etc., but all strictly platonic (later to find out he had been in love with me the entire time, but thought I was out of reach because of our exes). I'm complaining to a girlfriend that there are no good, decent men left and she grabs me by the hand and tells me "Would you just open your eyes and look next door!" (yes, he was the boy next door). I remember that conversation so vividly. A couple days later, I asked him over to change my light bulb (it was too high for me to reach), and I was helping him, standing just a few inches from him with both of our arms raised over our heads, there was like this static electricity going through us (and it wasn't from the light fixture!). A few days later I invited him for dinner.....and more. About the third or fourth time my husband and I made love (this was before we were married), I pulled out the vibrator. At that time I loved to be on top and riding away, and place the vibrator on my clit. When he saw what type of orgasms I had with that, he loved it and never minded me using it, and enjoyed using it on me. I always got excited looking at sex toys in magazines and later on-line, but they were always outside of our budget. After five years at a very stressful job where my libido was dropping at a ratio of how much more stress was being put on me, I left that job, and we were looking for something to spice up our sex life, which at that time was almost non-existant. He suggested some toys for me, and I started searching online. I googled "dildoes" and was looking through the different sites. I found one, not Too Timid, and was starting my order, but got interupted in the middle of it. Then I stopped and fixed breakfast, and in the middle of breakfast the phone rings and it was this company asking me if I needed help completing my order! That ticked me off--I felt that was too much of an invasion of my privacy! So, I closed down that order, never completed it, and the next website I clicked on was Too Timid. I am so glad that happened, because Too Timid has been wonderful! That was the start of our recent purchase of toys, and really was the beginning of the next phase of our sex life. The first ones I bought were a dual vibrator and clit stimulator, weighted pleasure balls, two movies (what he wanted, but I've started enjoying them, too), and some Viva cream (highly recommend!). We've placed five more orders since then. Long answer for a short question, but as I started thinking back about it, I started remembering other things. Hope I didn't bore anyone!

Thanks for everyone's openess about this (I love this site). I didn't think about episiotomy stitches when thinkiing about this. I guess there are good reasons for no stimulation. And whittibo, I had a neighbor who had a baby about the same time I had Laura. Now this was a really strange couple anyway, and we tried very hard to keep our distance, but this was in an apartment complex. I remember the day after she got home from the hospital she was telling me her husband insisted on sex. That made me cringe. I mean a couple weeks after I felt ready, but the day after? But like I said, they were strange folks.

My children are 25, 27 and 29. When I had them, the doctors gave me strict orders, no sex for six weeks. Back then, I didn't question, just did what they told me--no sex, at least for me. I still gave my husband oral sex. But I'm wondering what they tell new mothers now. Knowing what I know now, I would have to ask the doctor "Do you mean no penetration for six weeks?" as from what I have learned about childbirth it seems that orgasms would actually help in getting the uterus and pelvic muscles back in shape. And I sure could have used some clitoral orgasms during those six weeks! So, you younger/newer moms, tell me. Are the doctors still living in the dark ages, or am I off base here? And let's remember, many of these doctors back then were still telling mothers that formula was better than breast milk. I had totally natural childbirth, father in the delivery room and breast fed all three children, back in the days when that was just starting to be the thing to do.

Oh, THAT'S funny!!

Congratulations, Mikayla, how wonderful! I am so sad those days are behind me, but I am always so happy for women who are pregnant, and a little envious, too. Those were the best days of my life (pregnancy, nursing, babies). Love them, they grow up so fast!

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

It's always good to know you are not alone in different things--whether it is medical problems, or wanting to rekindle passion. It sounds like the two of you are on your way back to where you should be. Congratulations! And hurrah for us for not giving up!

Thanks, Tyger. This is one I had looked at and thought about buying, but I like the vibrations hard and centered on my clit, too, so I think I'll wait on this one. But it is time for something new (variety, you know!), so I will keep looking.

Thyroid problems run a myriad of symptoms, including low libido, which I suffered from, too. My hair was brittle, skin so dry I could barely stand to touch it, fingernails brittle, monthly cycle off, I literally hoped to die. I also developed a growth on my thyroid (not a goiter and not malignant, thank God) that still bothers me, but not enough for surgery. I just have to eat smaller bites and chew more, which is better for me anyway. The anger I felt was just an inability to control my emotions. Plus imagine the stress of forcing yourself to stay awake, forcing yourself to eat, and wondering if it wasn't thyroid just what the heck was it? After starting on medication I never felt that uncontrolable rage any more, and rarely raised my voice at my children again. It was amazing what one little pill can do. My husband was so thrilled just a week or so into my being medicated he stopped by the clinic to thank the doctor for giving him his wife back! And he started staying home a lot more! But yes, second opinions are invaluable. If I had known then what I know now, I would have done something in order to get a second opinion.

Valntyn, thank you so much for sharing your story. It shows marriage can work, but it is not always easy. As much as I talk wonderful about my husband, we've been through a three rough spells. Most recently it was job related stress, especially the last year I worked (I've been a full time student for the past 14 months). He stuck it out with me, though--the moodiness, the anger (take it out on him, he's there, and I can't take it out on people at work), the lack of sexual desire (that changed within two weeks of losing my job). Another time was when I was really sick with hypoactive thyroid and was a total bitch. The problem kept getting worse for eight years, while the military doctors told me there was nothing wrong with me. When finally diagnosed my doctor went back in my medical records eight years prior and found blood work showing underactive thyroid, yet it had gone unnoticed all that time, even with me having the problem in my family (three generations) and begging the doctors to check. The ironic thing was through my last two pregancies, my thyroid leveled off properly whiile pregnant, so it wan't caught during those blood tests. He would stay gone at work until he knew I'd be in bed. The next morning (being military) he'd be off and gone about the time I was getting up with the children. But he stuck with me. The only thing I was mad about was after the fact and I realized how close I had come to abusing our children. I never spanked them or hit them, because I felt that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop, so I screamed all the time; they are adults now and still don't remember this, and I've told them if they ever do, please know it wasn't my fault! Anyway, once on medication and sane again, I was mad at him for leaving the kids alone with me so much, knowing I was teetering on the brink of something bad. I also had a hard time staying awake unless I was standing up. Towards the end I even fell asleep sitting on the toliet. I slept almost every minute I didn't have to be awake to watch over the children, then I just constantly had to stand, literally, to stay awake. I was only this bad about six-eight months, it wasn't the entire eight years. And he didn't know what to do when the only access to medical care we had was telling me I wasn't eating right or exercising enough, that was my only problem. I was gaining weight to the tune of 40 pounds the last year, eating 1200 calories or less a day (I kept a journal to confornt a doctor with, when it finally got diagnosed). Over 100 pounds in all. Here's to the significant others who are worth fighting for! Let us never forget to tell them how much we love them! And special cudos to the ones who have loved us through our problems, too.

Thanks for the input. I often wondered about these creams, and thought the harder erection claimed might just be the act of putting the cream on itself, not what the cream does.

My husband and I still talk about the guest house at Ft. McClelland, AL back in '76. I went there when he was allowed visitors when in AIT. The bed felt rather flimsy, but was so squeaky we had to sleep on the floor--of course, didn't get a lot of sleep, but when we did, just turning over the squeak would wake us up. Those were the days, I was there about a week (had taken the train/bus, so no vehcile). He would run three miles to the guest house, we'd make love 2-4 times a night, he'd get up, run three miles back to his barracks, then have to run up to five miles and do PT. But he never complained!

I am VERY comfortable talking about sex with my husband, we have always been open and honest--and you should see some of the letters we used to write when we were apart due to the military (in the days before e-mail and IM)! I am probably more open to talk about sex than my girlfriends are--they hardly ever mention it, even though I feel as if I leave room for the topic, but I don't want to force a discussion on them. The other night one of my friends finally started discussing a problem she was having with her husband, who, like mine, is also disabled. I felt I was able to give her some advice from experience, but this happened at night, sitting outside her house in my car when I was dropping her off after she had gone to belly dance class with me. It did strike me as odd that she has never mentioned sex issues before, but we are usually together in the daylight going to the gym or shopping. It was as if she felt more comfortable talking about it when it was too dark to see faces/reactions, etc. I also feel comfortable talking about sex with my children, although not in too great of details. But they know I've always been approachable. We got them going the other night--I was telling them that there is an envelope in a box in my closet with photos in it that when we die they might want to just toss the entire envelope without looking at them. We were laughing and joking about that. I've also had serious sex talks with my youngest son when his marriage was falling apart. With my parents, neither one told me much about sex growing up. As adults, I've been able to joke about sex a lot with my mother, and with my father we talked about the temporary (due to medication) impotentcy problem he had that drove my mom to another man, with my step-mother assuring me that my father was just fine, now. I remember that so well! So, IRL, I am quite comfortable talking about sex, just find that many of my friends, even though I may have known them for years and years, are not.

Welcome! And I do feel you. On returning from Italy and waiting to buy a house, we (husband, me, three kids, two dogs) spent two months in the guest house on post, and then a motel with a kitchenette, but it was all one room. We took a lot of showers together! And a couple nights left the kids in the room (they were 14, 12 & 10 at the time) and rented the "jacuzi suite." And I've know about that inner sex goddess! She can be a blessing to have on your side!

I got to thinking about my answer, and I hope everyone realized it is not just for the sexual part of our relationship that I wish my husband was not disabled. We get good money from VA and OK from SSDI, and lots of benefits (especially VA), but I'd give it all up in a heart beat to have a healthy husband again. I love him dearly.

Welcome! Glad to meet you!

Welcome, Calvin. I think you and your wife will enjoy the forum! Thanks for introducing yourself so openly.

In honor of that (being classified a student), I'd like to share with you notes from my psychology class the last two days. Bear in mind, my professor gives us lots of statistics. Sometimes I think to get us thinking/upset, etc. I really enjoy his class. The last two days have been about sexuality. I thought I'd post this and if anyone is interested to review and comment on it. Some of these numbers are hard to believe. I also don't like agree with the fact that he stated there was no "treatment" for Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. I think I'll sic Howard on him! The highlighted parts are specific areas he tells us we need to know--sure fire indication they will be on the next exam. I found it interesting that one of the areas he wanted us to know was treatment for premature ejaculation. I just noticed the highlighting didn't copy into this document, but it is one of the areas highlighted. Anyway, here goes if anyone is interested. [After I posted I see that the tabs and spacing that was in the original document didn't carry over to this. I apologize for this. I'm going to play around with it some and if I can get it to post right I will edit it] Sexual Activity Myths (usually by men) 1. men should not express certain feelings 2. in sex, as in everything else, it is performance that counts. 3. the man must take charge or and orchestrate sex 4. a man always wants and is ready for sex 5. all physical contact must end in sex 6. sex=intercourse 7. sex requires a full erection What men and women want in their sexual relationship Men More experimental Women initiate more More oral sex More instruction Warmer, more involved Women Talk more lovingly Be more seductive Be more complimentary Give more instruction Percentage of women who have orgasm from sexual relations: 29 and under 30 & over Never 10% 7% Less than 50% of time 28% 21% More than 50% but Not always 59% 50% Always 3% 24% Appeal of selected sex practice Exclusively hetero 91% Exclusively homo 6% Not experienced 3% The frequency of sexual intercourse Men 66 times a year All 57 times a year Women 51 times a year Abstinence 20% Incidence of sexual infidelity Men 31% Women 18% Divorce rate 47% Number of times per week for sexual relations 18-29 year olds 1.5/week 30-39 1.4/week 40-49 1.25/week 50-59 .9/week Masturbation Men Women 18-26 year olds 50% 26% 27-28 60% 46% Afterwards stays relatively constant Sexual relations frequency by religion (at least once per week) Protestant 53% Catholic 61% Jewish 40% Atheist 48% Children born out of wedlock Black 67% White 23% All 45% March 13, 2007 Sexual motivation Percentage of American girls 15-19 that have experienced sexual intercourse (2000 from CDC) 15 25.6% 16 31% 17 51% 18 65% 19 75% Teenage pregnancy rate Highest in Russia 100/1000 U.S. 83/1000 UK 46/1000 Canada 42/1000 Least in Japan 10/1000 Where youth get main information about sex 42% from friends, 22% from mother, 5% from books. Least percentage is from father or teacher. Sexual intercourse—married couple frequency decreases as age increases due to males take longer to ejaculate plus vaginal size and lubrication decreases, all making sex less comfortable. Masturbation fantasies and frequencies Male 18-25 69% occasionally 31% regularly Female 18-25 64% occasionally 36% regularly Fantasy themes for men during masturbation: Intercourse with love person or friend Intercourse with stranger Fantasy themes for women during masturbation: Intercourse with love person Sex acts they would never carry out in reality 22-35 year olds 65% frequency fantasize during sex 28% occasionally fantasize during sex 7% never fantasize during sex Fantasy theme for men during sex Oral/genital sex Being found sexually irresistible Least—sex with animal Fantasy theme for women during sex Being irresistible Oral/genital sex Least—sex with animal Sexual daydreams women 98% of 18-47 single women have sexual fantasy daydreams (not while asleep/having sex), most in ages 30-47 Themes 90% intercourse with boyfriend 79% being undressed by a man 78% prior sexual experience 72% having sex in exotic location 71% undressing a man 66% receiving or giving oral sex Appeal of selected sex practices Women 18-44 At least somewhat appealing 98% vaginal intercourse 81% watching partner undress 68% receiving oral sex 57% giving oral sex 9% group sex Men 18-44 At least somewhat appealing 95% vaginal intercourse 93% watching partner undress 83% receiving oral sex 70% giving oral sex 46% group sex Anxiety associated with non-married sexual intercourse Single women 19-26 Can I satisfy him Will he like my body Will he respect me afterwards Does he really love me/care about me Will I orgasm Are my breast large enough Single men 19-26 Can I satisfy her Is my penis the right size Will I have a good erection Will she want a commitment Will I perform well Sexual dysfunction and techniques used to treat them Female Sexual Arousal Disorder—a difficulty in becoming sexually aroused (vaginal lubrication) or unable to stay aroused. Male erectile disorder—difficult in becoming aroused or staying aroused. 52% of men 40-70 have at least minimum male erectile disorder. Treatment—Sensate focus—massage other part of body, gradually move closer Premature ejaculation—ejaculation prior to couple’s desire Treatment—Stop and Go (just as it sounds) and the squeeze technique (squeezing head of penis) [we asked Dr. W about the technique for Female Sexual Arousal Disorder and he stated there was no treatment—older women in class said, “It figures. The men are the ones that come up with the treatment.”] Rape—non-consensual penetration—oral, rectal, vaginal Women 15-59 Highest US 100/100,000 Sweden 30/100,000 Denmark & Germany 28/100,000 Least Israel, Japan And Italy 2/100,000 This does not count statutory rape 14% of women (all ages) are victims of attempted rape 12.5% of women actually raped Myths about rape Good girls don’t get raped Many women can resist a rapist if she wants to In various ways women ask for it When a woman cries rape she’s been jilted or trying to get back at him Victims of rape 10 years old or younger 29% 11-17 32% 18-24 22% 25-29 7% Over 29 6% Undetermined 4% Perpetrators 31% are non-relatives that knew the victim 22% are strangers 16% are relatives other than immediate relatives 12% were fathers or step-fathers 20% boyfriends or ex-boyfriends 9% husbands Power/control Just world hypothesis—most people do not want to see society as bad As number of sexual partners the victim had prior to the rape increases the less sentence the rapist got Over 71% male and 55% women feel if she had volunteered sex with him before felt it wasn’t rape. More provocative victim was more to blame than less provocative victim Conditions where rape was OK (survey of men) 1. He spends a lot of money on her 39% 2. he is “turned on” so he “can’t stop” 36% 3. had sex before with other men 69% 4. she is drunk or stoned 36% 5. she lets him touch her anywhere above Waist 39% 6. going to have sex with me but she Changed mind 74% 7. dated her before 53% 8. lead me on 64% 9. she gets me excited 61% Two types of sexual assault Invasive—touching, attempted rape, rape, Non-invasive—obscene phone call, peeping Tom, flasher College age couples that have been together a year or more Men—12% have thrown something, pushed or shoved to have sex Women—2% have thrown something, pushed or shoved to have sex Donnerstein & Donnerstein study—male and female Talking scene—man and woman talking Consensual Sex—man and woman having consensual sex Rape—man raping woman, man angry at woman People were allowed to push a button to send a shock of varying current to the man or woman in the scene. In the talking scene, men and women equally shocked, current low. In consensual sex scene—man shocked more than woman In rape scene then woman was shocked more than man, even by woman. Homesexuality attitudes (1997) Homosexuals are just like any of the opposite sex 68% You can tell a homosexual 79% Homosexuals should not be around children 75% A homosexual should not be allowed to work as doctors, Ministers, teachers, judges 75% Homosexuality is a social disease that will lead To the downfall of society 55% Homosexuals should only be allowed to work as Beauticians, artists, floral designers 83%