How Much Togetherness Does A Happy Couple Need?

[chloegirl]

How much time and how many activities do you and your SO share each week and how important do you think that is in having a truly happy and fulfilling relationship? Let me get more detailed here....my friends and I were talking about how just about every couple we know can be placed into one of the following categories....

-couples who rarely see each other or spend much time together

-couples who come home every day, get along ok, touch base, eat together, if they have kids they attend their activities as a unit, but basically each does their own thing....they don't really spend quality couple time doing things together

-couples who come home from work and don't leave the house, they spend every evening in the same room glued to the tube or the computer but there is really no "connection" between them other than the fact that they are both there

-couples who do enjoy a balance of doing some things together but still have time apart to pursue their own friends and interests (not messing around)

-couples who are obsessively connected at the hip....they cannot go or do anything without the other one glued to their side or constantly on the phone to each other not because they are so "in-love" but more like a sick, insecure co-dependancy

we all know that financial troubles and inbalance of your sex life can lead to emotional withdrawal from the relationship, but I think this aspect is important too....what blows my mind is how so many people (damn near everyone!) seem to be living lives where really none of these needs/categories is being met or fulfilled anywhere near the degree you want them to be and yet so many people spend their entire lives like this....not really miserable but not deliriously happy either....where do you stand?

[ladylove]

Interesting topic.

I think each person has a different need and hopefully you'll have a partner with the same need you have. If you don't a compromise will have to be negotiated. There is no right answer for what is best, just as there's no instruction booklet when you bring home your newborn baby. You wing it and see what works best.

I personally need time with some girlfriends and time to explore my own interests, I feel it rejuvenates me and make me more interesting as a person. My husband travels a lot so I have loads of time to myself. He also choose to do a few things for himself to unwind and make himself more interesting. That being said, neither of us would ever go out without the other on a weekend night.

[HisAngel]

Good points!

Our relationship is: I'm a SAHM, he works full time (construction), he comes home we eat together, he does football a few nights a week (so gets his me time/male time) on weekends we have his two children so friday nights are a family night. One saturday every other week is our night, sometimes we stay in and watch a movie, we might go for a meal/drink just do something fun. We like each others company and feel that this alone time helps us get through the busy week. One sunday every other week is our day, just doing whatever, having a lay-in, lazy mornings chilling together curled up in bed.

We text each other quite a bit during the day, anything from general chit-chat, what the mail-man brought, to kinky suggestions to what we've got planned when the night time comes.

I dont go out alone (dont have many friends either) but my "me" time is when he's out, be it having a long soak in the bath or doing a workout, talking to my mum on the phone or doing ironing (dont laugh I enjoy it)

I'm happy (and I think he is) right now. He's my friend and I love to laugh and hang out with him

[ladylove]

Good points!

Our relationship is: I'm a SAHM, he works full time (construction), he comes home we eat together, he does football a few nights a week (so gets his me time/male time) on weekends we have his two children so friday nights are a family night. One saturday every other week is our night, sometimes we stay in and watch a movie, we might go for a meal/drink just do something fun. We like each others company and feel that this alone time helps us get through the busy week. One sunday every other week is our day, just doing whatever, having a lay-in, lazy mornings chilling together curled up in bed.

We text each other quite a bit during the day, anything from general chit-chat, what the mail-man brought, to kinky suggestions to what we've got planned when the night time comes.

I dont go out alone (dont have many friends either) but my "me" time is when he's out, be it having a long soak in the bath or doing a workout, talking to my mum on the phone or doing ironing (dont laugh I enjoy it)

I'm happy (and I think he is) right now. He's my friend and I love to laugh and hang out with him

How long have you been married?

[chloegirl]

We've been married 27 years and it's gone thru different phases but I've always felt it was important to let him have his guy time with his friends (of course I ended up spending my free time doing the shopping and errands and spending time with Mom). We always spent time together but before kids it was always whatever HE wanted to do. After kids it was all about family time first, his desires secondly...never much real private couple time and with a ridiculously heavy work schedule on top of that there was never any time for just ME. Now the kids are grown and I'm at place where I refuse to put myself in last place anymore. We really do not share the same interests....he's content to just sit around the house in the evenings....I've been cooped up at work all day and I do not want to spend what time I have left sitting on my ass....I want to be outside walking, running, taking up golf, dance lessons....I try to get him to go, he doesn't want to, so fine....no biggie, I don't press but I am also not going to give up the rest of my active years just to sit around the house every night just to "be with" him. If he wanted to he could just as easily join me. There are no hard feelings about it. We usually go out together one night of the weekend and I always make sure to plan some spicy little surprise and take "good care" of him....leave him wrung out and with a smile on his face. (notice it is still ME doing all the giving? I guess you just can't break some old habits!) so yeah, we don't really spend alot of "couple" time and it works ok.

[HisAngel]

How long have you been married?

lol we're not, might be a big part of it.

I've been with him for 14months (known him for 8+ years, so he's always been my friend)

Do I expect things to change in the future? Yes, I guess in a way I do. For now I enjoy it though so I hope it continues.

[ohshelly]

We each have our own place, and see each other about every other day.

We talk every day.

We spend a couple days a week together, meaning late afternoon to the next morning when we both go to work. When that happens, I make dinner, we eat with his kid(s) and we spend the evening talking or watching a movie. Go to bed early and make love and talk until we fall asleep. Very nice.

We spend every other weekend together doing couple/famliy things.

doing a local art fair or festival, visiting parents, making love all afternoon, that kind of thing.

Not married, and seems to work for us right now.

May get married in the future......long into the future, though.

Yes, a very good question!

[hyokahey]

We all have both intimacy and autonomy needs. The balance of these in relationship are key. Not many folks naturally know how to cope with and balance the two needs. When one partner needs autonomy, the other may feel rejected, or begin to panic and cling to their partner, in effect 'smothering' them. This makes the situation worse, and a reactivity cycle begins.

Most folks also do not fully understand intimacy, and operate their whole lives with only a rudimentary kind of intimacy.

The balance of intimacy and autonomy will vary for each couple, the trick for the couple is to understand their own unique profile of balance of the two.

[ilovebabyjada]

We all have both intimacy and autonomy needs. The balance of these in relationship are key. Not many folks naturally know how to cope with and balance the two needs. When one partner needs autonomy, the other may feel rejected, or begin to panic and cling to their partner, in effect 'smothering' them. This makes the situation worse, and a reactivity cycle begins.

Most folks also do not fully understand intimacy, and operate their whole lives with only a rudimentary kind of intimacy.

The balance of intimacy and autonomy will vary for each couple, the trick for the couple is to understand their own unique profile of balance of the two.

are you a sex therapist?

[hyokahey]

are you a sex therapist?

ummmm

[hyokahey]

are you a sex therapist?

ummmm

[sun_flower969]

We all have both intimacy and autonomy needs. The balance of these in relationship are key. Not many folks naturally know how to cope with and balance the two needs. When one partner needs autonomy, the other may feel rejected, or begin to panic and cling to their partner, in effect 'smothering' them. This makes the situation worse, and a reactivity cycle begins.

Most folks also do not fully understand intimacy, and operate their whole lives with only a rudimentary kind of intimacy.

The balance of intimacy and autonomy will vary for each couple, the trick for the couple is to understand their own unique profile of balance of the two.

OMG! this is where we are at lately! I need to figure out a balance somehow! he gets way clingy. It is hard sometimes... but then again we have been through some challenges recently.

ummmm

HA! Lightbulb!

[thurisas]

I work a 3 day on 3 day off schedule that keeps me out of the house 15 hours on the days I am working. This means that basically, when you account for sleep, that I only get to be with my family 50% of the time. I choose to spend that time with my family though I do take some time for myself on those days for myself. I don't really go out as I don't have friends outside of work-relations, and as sappy as it sounds, I really did marry my best friend. I did that for a reason...to be with her.

Randy.

[sass]

Well, I am soon (not soon enough) to be divorced and we were only together 2 years. But during that time, we did kind of go to extremes in this area.

When it started, I worked and a short time later, so did he. We made the most of the time we had together even if it was just going shopping, we did it together in a way that it was not just that we were both physically there but we were together. As time went on, we got married and got custody of his children (3 for most of our marriage) and I became a SAHM. We started to disconnect - we might both be at home after he got off work, but he would be on the computer in the living room and I would be watching TV in the bedroom, or whatever. Then he changed jobs to one that kept him at home most of the time - nearly 24/7 - and it was like we were connected at the hip. We were together all the time, but it was not really quality time. We would talk about taking picnics, just the two of us, like we used to, or going out to dinner, like we used to, or any number of other things - but they never happened any more.

I think that each couple needs different things. What is right for one couple is not right for another. For me and "husband", we had more issues than a few picnics would have solved in the end, but our relationship was best when we each had our separate lives but also spent quality time with each other.