Self Esteem And The Bedroom

[thurisas]

I was curious about how others thought self esteem affects the way one acts in the bedroom. Do you think one is more reserved and less likely to try stuff with their partner if their self esteem is lower? Do you think some people gain such trust and comfort within their relationship that they are able to let go and feel great about themselves with that one person? Do you think those with a higher self esteem are better lovers? Just curious and wanted to start a discussion. I'm not sure I've ever created a topic before...whoop!!

Randy.

[mailahn97]

I have a lot of self esteem issues. It was interesting as I had this conversation a while ago with the other half. In the begining I hid every chance I got whether under covers or shutting and locking the bathroom door. The first time we were together I had gone into the bathroom afterwards and he came in with me. I was completely thrown by this and thankfully he respected my feelings and left. It took a while. I wouldn't get out of bed and walk in front of him naked. In time it got much better and now doesn't bother me in the least. It also affected what I would or would not try in the bedroom. I would not take initiative. In time I slowly got better with this. I trust him completely and he is my best friend, but even still at times my self esteem becomes my worst enemy. Maybe it is just me but I don't think that it every truly goes away.

I don't think it necessarily makes someone better than others. I think it is just a matter of the more comfortable you are with yourself. In turn I think helps you respond to your lover and know yourself as well.

[Tyger]

Color me shocked!! Thur, started a topic? Whoa! *insert clapping here!!!*

Anyway, yes, I do feel that people with a higher self esteem probably do make for better lovers. I am not trying to come across as all superficial, so please bear with me on my explanations.

I know that when I felt really good about myself, I was very wild, open, and willing to go all out in all aspects of my life, especially sexual. For me, right now, I have a low self esteem in the bedroom, I've gained some weight (now working on getting that off & feeling better about myself for it). I don't feel as "Yee-haw" about sex as I use too. Not sure if that attributes to being a mom, having a bit more cushion for the pushin', I just don't feel as comfortable. I don't go by my weight, because we don't own a scale for that very reason. I go by how I feel in my own skin. However, that's really all I feel bad about. I enjoy my job, & I know I'm good at that. I'm a great Mom, good wife, and basically a good person.

For some, triggers of self-doubt can be weight, acne, a bad haircut, bad teeth, weird toes (hey, it can happen), something that they were picked on as a kid, or something as simple-sounding as how they picture themself. If a person feels like they just don't feel attractive, no matter how much you may tell them that they are, they're the only one you look at/desire, they may not believe you. Some people (I've been one of them) that just feel like "How in the WORLD can this person find ME attractive?" That self-doubt is more common than you may think. And not just for us women either.

Having a low feeling of self-worth/self-esteem can also be from a bad breakup, abusive relationship, or one's relationship with their parents.

It's not really a yes or no answer type question, and it all depends on the person you're talking about. Some people can feel better about themselves by doing small things, having some sort of accomplishment in their lives, others it can take counselling, and others may never get over it.

[WendyNY]

I think self esteem plays a HUGE part in how you act in the bedroom ! If you don't feel good about yourself it is very unlikely that you will be willing to show your partner your true " sexual self ". I think that perhaps this is how I was years ago-- way back in the beginning of my relationship with my husband. It took me a long time to feel good about myself and really have confidence in the bedroom.

I am a completely different person now than I was when we were first married. (Now ---if only I could turn back the clock and take advantage of all those times when he was "ready to go " at a moment's notice !! )

[Sunday]

Self esteem can have a huge impact on your view of sex. Your partner can have a big effect on your self esteem. If you are constantly supported and told how desirable you are, your self esteem will go up and your "performance" will too.

At one time I thought I had an ED problem. Turns out it was just that I was with a woman who didn't like sex with me and didn't find me desirable. I found someone who likes sex with me, and it's like I'm 18 again - only better.

[sass]

I am not sure if self-esteem affects everyone the same, but I know with me, when I am down about myself, I am much less sexual. I, like many women, have dealt with self-esteem issues my entire life. When your very conception was admittedly a mistake, it takes a lot to get past feelings of being unwanted. (I loved my parents and they loved me, I know that, but I still know I was not planned and one can call it a surprise if you want, but I was clearly an oops.)

Then there have been various other things happen in my life that have helped to strengthen the negative thoughts and feelings about myself. However, when my partner - who ever he or she may be - seems to honestly desire ME and accept ME - then I know that my sexual desires and actions increase.

[amyesz@aol.com]

I know that, for me, self esteem is a factor of how I am in the bedroom...as with some others I get down on myself about weight...which seems to cause my drive to drop an inhibitions to rise...I know that in my fiancée eyes I am beautiful...just need to keep that in mind when I start to get weird about it.

[AmieWinningBlasi]

I don't know if it works this way with everyone out there, but my husband and I both have very low self esteem and we're very attentive to one another's needs in the bedroom. It's likely because neither of us have had many partners, and we never thought we would ever have very many, but for someone to actually fall for us and love us just the way we are, they deserve all the love and attention, they deserve all the kink and the freak we can muster. He loves all of me, so I give him everything I have to give. He does the same.

I think for the overly cocky or overly confident folks out there, they're probably a bit more selfish. I could be wrong, but the three ridiculously confident and cocky bastards I slept with prior to my husband were incredibly selfish in the sack and were only worried about getting themselves off.