I Need Help...

[blushNlez21]

Ok so I'm totally in love with my girlfriend. I'm soon to be 21 and she is soon to be 40. Now I'm completely aware of our age jump. But that is the least of my concerns. (did I mention I'm a lesbian?) The fact of the matter is, she's married. I love her husband to death...in a non sexual way. But our relationship goes in a circle. Kinda like hot warm cold then HOT again. It's like stressful to be together b/c I'm always a big secret. We live in a big Chrisian town, and everyone would think it's wrong and her grandparents would just feak. But living in secret where's ME down. I always want to do lil momento's like going to a movie, or cuddling on the couch, or kiss whenever I want w/o looking behind every corner first. She has two boys 16, and 13. Reason for hiding in our own house. Yes I live with them. And a controlling husband. And yes to all he's aware of me and her. But he doesn't like us to do anything, ANYTHING w/o him. Not go on a date, not have sex, everything has to be including him. And I feel that I should have some time with her to myself. At least once a week. Or a month even would make me happy. Just a day to pamper her. (which I love to do) But just recently we decided to break up. B/c it's not fair to me, I'm never going to be happy unless I get my equal share of her to myself. but it was mutual. But even though we aren't together together, we still kiss and cudle, (when we can) and live together. Is there any hope to end this circle? I mean, we are supposed to be over for good this time, but we are BOTH in love with eachother. What am I supposed to do?!

thanks to all that can help me or just try...

[Mikayla1]

Oh honey, I am sooooo sorry but you are stuck in the "I have my cake and am eating it too" relationship! You said it yourself, you are a LESBIAN. Your gf is bi-sexual, and probably more leaning toward the male side as she is married and has children. From what I can gather from the short amount of information you have provided, you are the 3rd in a threesome - and the hubby assumes that you 2 are to only be with him also. I also assume that your gf is not goig to leave her hubby and her kids to be with you - 1) that would mean destroying her family, and I don't think she wants to do that 2) she doesn't really identify as a Lesbian, so I do not think that she is going to change sides for you or anyone else.

I find your situation unfortunate. I think that the best thing for your mental health and your future is to move on with your life - and find a nice woman who wants to share her whole life with you - not just a small portion. Right now you are settling, settling for the small moments, the small kisses - that is not a full life. I think your gf knows that and is why she is trying to break it off. She may love you, but she knows this is not fair, and she knows she will never be with you 100%.

I would give you the same information if this was a man who you were dating or sleeping with. This will not end well - get out and get out now!

Good luck to you...I know how hard it is to walk away from love..truly I do....

Mikayla

[blushNlez21]

Yes, I know. It sucks. And I know now, thank you though for your listening. Sometimes I feel all alone and have no one to talk to. That is why I joined tootimid. I need some kind of relief. But now I'm just mad at her. Is this normal? Am I supposed to go through times when I just want to cry, to being spiteful and want revenge. I want to go on a date with one of my friends, just to piss her off. I know that is childish, so I'm not going to do it. I just feel so betrayed. And used. And sad. And she acts as if nothing has happened between us. And did I mention I have no where to go. I live with her and her family, and have no way out. So I see her everyday, knowing I can't have her anymore. And it kills me. I need to get a roomate and get an apartment. UGH. Frustration.

Jess

[whiskeywoman]

Jess, what your dexcribing is totally natural.

I think at some point and time everyone has felt hurt and betrayed at some point in their life,

if they havn't, they may be aliems from Alpha centuri 7, (shhhh dont tell any one they exist ok?)

Seriously though, it sounds to me like your getting a bit overwhelmed, and right now your in the dangerous stage.

It wont be too long before you become resentful of her and him.

In with all the frustration and anxiety and hurt, and sadness and for some odd reason that little sliver of happiness and the little cracks of downright anger and jealousy you have, once in a while youll begin to notice resentment slipping into the mix

Don't give into those urges of getting even, that will just drive a bigger wedge between you.

Take your own advice, get a newspaper, and look around in the apartment sections, see if tere aren't any apartments to share or sublease.

You need to leave very very soon, before the rift is so huge you are unable to even stand the sight of them.

Best of luck,

Whiskey

[blushNlez21]

Yeah, maybe I should move out. But I just can't. I don't have money to live on my own. And don't have many friends to turn to to get a place with. So I'm just going to have to sit around, and pray that the hell hole I'm in can't possibly torture me more. It seems since we broke up, she's even more beautiful. And everything about her makes me want her even more. It's not fair. I guess I brought this upon myself. But in the beginning I never thought I'd fall for her, that I'd want to fulfill her every need. And the worst part about it, is when I do decide to move on, I don't know where to meet girls who are interested in girls. It sucks, b/c you can't just go up to a girl and ask for her number. What if she's straight...then I get humiliated. I'm just so lonely right now. And no one is here to comfort me. I just hurt. My heart literally feels like it's going to pound out of my chest!!! I'm sorry for the sad story. But this is my first love, and I feel that I'm never going to be able to have that again. I just want her back!!

[whiskeywoman]

I know exactly what your going through.

I know how bad it hurts and how unfair it seems.

I have always found the best thing to do to get through a tough hurt is to make a plan of attack on how I want to change things.

You say you want to move out, ok, and you say you dont have the money for your own place.

Are you working? if not, now is a good time to spend that energy on getting employment, if you are, start working overtime.

It gets you ot of the house and gets you some extra cash.

Look in the local paper for apartments to share, why not find one where the apartment has already been rented and they are looking for a roomate?

Don't try and find another lover right away, I know it sounds bad, but you need time to heal from this hurt, that way you can later look down the road and say," this was done poorly or maybe next time this will be differant."

Besides, if you jump into another relationship, no one is going to want to be constantly compared to their lovers ex.

As far as meeting a new lady?

Well I personally suggest holding off for a bit,

Get things together, get your own place. take it easy, enjoy for a bit, then well discuss ways of you meeting ladys that wont humiliate you when you ask for their numbers.

I wish you the best of luck hon,

let us know how it goes.

Whiskey

[blushNlez21]

Well, I'm just confused all the way around. I say I'm a lesbian, and everyone thinks I'm too young to know that for sure. I'm beginning to think that they are right. Back around Christmas, I was hanging out with my friend and her hubby, and there guy friend Terrance. I was attracted to him then. But never admitted to it. Is it possible I could be bi? And don't worry, I'm not looking for a new relationship right away. I was just curious on how I would meet girls...lol. But I don't know if I want to be with a girl or not. Maybe when the time is right, I'll try a guy. But nothing for a couple of months at least.

Oh and I am employed. I have two jobs. So I can't possibly work more. I just don't get paid a lot. And I have bills to pay. But maybe my ex will let me slack off on Rent with her for a while so I can start saving for my own place. I mean, she never asked me to pay rent to begin with, I just did it for the responsibility. My own choice.

And isn't it dangerous to just move in with someone who needs a roomate? I mean, that would be weird, to me. But I might have a plan for that situation too. My good friend Kerry and her Hubby just bought a 4 bedroom house. For just the two of them. About 5 miles from my mom. Maybe she'd let me rent a room from them. I'm meeting her for lunch to talk about it tomarrow. Wish me luck!! And thanks for the help.

[whiskeywoman]

You know what? everyone who is telling you that you are too young to know if you are gay or not are not in your shoes.

How do they know?

As for the other question about being bi..

I honestly don't know if it means your bi or not.

Follow your gut, if you want to try and find a male partner, go for it, if you prefer a female partner go that route.

Do what you feel is most comfortable for you.

2 jobs? I'm jealous, I am still trying to get one LOL

It sounds like you have a rough idea of a plan of attack, excellent!

You are on the right track about maybe slacking off on the rent for a while.

If you do move in with these friends, be very careful that the same situation doesn't happen again.

as for the roomate situation?

well, i geuss to some its wierd, to me its normal, a lot of people can afford the rent, and later find they cant pay the bills and take on roomates to help.

heck, downtown there is a 14 bedroom 10 bath house for rent, of course the rent is 7,000 a month for the whole place, plus utilities.

unless your a brain surgeon or a bank robber, no one can afford that place, so they rent out the rooms and split the bills, each room has a kitchenette, all in all, it comes to about 300 a month.

maybe something like that would work for you?

I doubt you will find something that large, its an old mansion thats been renovated.

but you get the general idea.

best of luck

Whiskey

[blushNlez21]

Thank you for the Birthday Wishes, Whiskey!! 21 doesn't feel that different but then, I guess it's just another year. I'm not a BIG drinker, but it's fun when I'm in the mood.

But your right about everything. I can't make major choices without scanning every option first. But I'm just going to take it one day at a time. Me and my Ex still have our "moments" but we keep them to a min. b/c we know it's not going to work. But I'm doing a lot better. Thank you again.

Jess

[Tyger]

For what it's worth, here is what I think:

You need to get the hell out of that house, and FAST!! Being there is preventing you from moving on. And if you and your ex are STILL having moments, no matter how short they are, it's pretty selfish of her to allow that to happen, knowing you are alone and vulnerable, where she has a husband, 2 kids, and knows how you feel about her. She is wanting a lot, while giving as little as possible.

Just a hint: ppl always look better to you if you break up with them and it wasn't mutual. Even if it WAS mutual but there are still feelings.

I suggest that the few friends that you DO have, you ask them for a place to stay, even just a couch, til you get on your feet.

I can't say I know how you feel, but I am sure it is harder in a small town with small minded people there. You need time to heal, adjust. And if you think you ARE Bi-sexual, try dating a guy, but be open with him by telling him you are probably bisexual. Some guys don't like that kind of surprise, where others may think that's an open invitation for a 3 some.

Good luck to you!!

[VALERIE]

Ok so I'm totally in love with my girlfriend. I'm soon to be 21 and she is soon to be 40. Now I'm completely aware of our age jump. But that is the least of my concerns. (did I mention I'm a lesbian?) The fact of the matter is, she's married. I love her husband to death...in a non sexual way. But our relationship goes in a circle. Kinda like hot warm cold then HOT again. It's like stressful to be together b/c I'm always a big secret. We live in a big Chrisian town, and everyone would think it's wrong and her grandparents would just feak. But living in secret where's ME down. I always want to do lil momento's like going to a movie, or cuddling on the couch, or kiss whenever I want w/o looking behind every corner first. She has two boys 16, and 13. Reason for hiding in our own house. Yes I live with them. And a controlling husband. And yes to all he's aware of me and her. But he doesn't like us to do anything, ANYTHING w/o him. Not go on a date, not have sex, everything has to be including him. And I feel that I should have some time with her to myself. At least once a week. Or a month even would make me happy. Just a day to pamper her. (which I love to do) But just recently we decided to break up. B/c it's not fair to me, I'm never going to be happy unless I get my equal share of her to myself. but it was mutual. But even though we aren't together together, we still kiss and cudle, (when we can) and live together. Is there any hope to end this circle? I mean, we are supposed to be over for good this time, but we are BOTH in love with eachother. What am I supposed to do?!

thanks to all that can help me or just try...

FIRST OF ALL THE THREE OF YOU PROBALY SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENEND, I MEAN IF YOUR NOT ATRACTTED TO HER HUSBAND & ESPECIALLY IF ITS NOT JUST LUST, BUT LOVE THAT YOU & YOUR GIRLFRIEND SHARE. I WOULD SAY THAT THEY NEED A DIVORCE, BUT IN THIS CASE IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS GUY JUST WANTS TO GET HIS . I DON'T SEE WHY YOU 2 WOMEN SHOULD'NT HAVE YOUR PIE & EAT IT TOO. . DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FILL ONE ANOTHERS PLEASURES. I MEAN IF HE DOES'NT LIKE IT TOO BAD. WHAT HE DON'T KNOW WONT HURT HIM, & IF HE FINDS OUT IT WAS NEVER A SECRET & NO SUPRISE. GET YOUS ,CAUSE HE ALREADY GOT HIS.

[blushNlez21]

Not sure how all this works. But me and my guy "friend" Terrance are hitting it off pretty well. I hung out with him and everything was going smoothly. I kinda set myself up, we almost had sex, but I told him that I just wasn't ready to make that step. Don't get me wrong, I like him, but 1. I just got out of an odd relationship, and 2. He's a guy. lol I mean, I've slept with guys before, it's just been a while and I'm nervous. But he was ok with waiting...which made me think, wow, maybe he actually does like me. I asked him what qualities he looks for in a girl. And his reply was " I don't want to tell you b/c I'm affraid you'll change who you are, and you shouldn't change who you are for no one. " So then I asked him if I at least had SOME of the qualities he looks for, and which ones. They were all pretty flattering. But my favorite one is he want's a girl who goes to school (which I do) and he said it would be nice to date someone he doesn't have to badger to do so. I have to admit though, I'm not sure what to do. Do i ask him out on a date? Or wait for him to come to me? And his bday is coming up, the big 21 like I just had, what should I get him as a gift to surprise him? Oh and did I mention my ex is VERY VERY jealous? But I'm trying not to rub it in. that's just wrong. But anyway, just checking in with you guys. Input is always needed!!

jess

[whiskeywoman]

YES! ask him out, make the occasion for his birthday.

Get him a nice card, Something that tells him you enjoy his company and you were thinking of him on his birthday.

I wouldn't worry about having the great talk Howard advised right now.

Just chill, enjoy, get to know him better, find out if you like him enough to take him as a lover, and he can find out if he wants to be with you too.

When and if that time ever arrives, THEN sit down and discuss things as Howard suggests.

As far as your ex being jealous?

Sorry if I seem a bit rude, but , SO WHAT?

She is MARRIED and has 2 kids, she can not have her cake and eat it too.

If she tries to come around and have a "stolen moment" WALK AWAY!

go for a walk, go for a drive, leave the house for a while until she gets the idea that you two are finished.

YOU yourself deserve better than to try and sneak around with someone to be happy.

I'm sorry, but to me, if you have to sneak around to be with someone, then you shouldn't be with that person at all.

You deserve to be happy and have the right to walk down the street with your lover whether it be male or female, and not be embarrased about finding the time to steal a kiss or try and secretly hold hands when no one is looking.

This guy Terrance sounds like he likes you, he was willing to hold off on sex till your more comfortable.

He obviously likes hanging around you, otherwise he wouldn't.

You seem to like him, he makes ou nervous, which is good.

Spend more energy on hanging around him, go to a park or the movies or something.

I know, going to the movies is almost as expensive as buying a car nowdays.

You get the idea though.

Let your ex get jealous, she obviously needs to concentrate on working on her marrige if her sex life is unhappy.

Best of luck, and keep us posted.

Whiskey

[blushNlez21]

Ok, it's not that I'm worried entirely about making Leisa jealous, it's more of me being ready. I'm not over her, I just don't want Terrance to be the rebound guy. I really like him, and don't want to hurt him, nor do I want to get hurt again. He's away right now for the Airforce Reserves. He gets back on the 6th. I happen to be off that sunday night, which I'm NEVER off on sundays. But I told him that if he wanted to hang out we could. He offered dinner and a movie, but I kinda don't want to because like you said Whiskey, it's expensive these days. And I don't get paid for another week!!! I know he offered, but until we are actually a couple, shouldn't I pay my own way?? But anyway, I was going to offer the alternative of maybe renting a movie and watching it at his house or something. I dunno?!?

But on the other note. I've known Terrence for little over a year now, and I know plenty about him. He's only been with three girls EVER!! He has one little boy. Cute as hell, (looks like his dddy) and he's about 4 years old. Just had a birthday. But Terrance takes him every other weekend and every chance he gets. I love that about him. He's such an active father. He even through him a birthday party like 2 weeks early cause he wasn't going to be able to see him for his birthday. Isn't that sweet.

Terrance and I have already talked about sex a little bit. Like favorite positions...etc... and he does use protection after he had his little boy. Said he can't take on another child right now, but in the future would like more. I told him if we do plan on having sex I would go to the clinic and get on plan parenthood. Every little bit helps!! But anyway, thanks for listening everyone!!

Jess

[blushNlez21]

Ok so it's clear now that I'm not having any luck with Terrance. Am I doing something wrong. Since that night we made out all over his bed, he's kinda been stand offish. We never had our date, in fact I saw him for the first time since we made out on Sunday. The day before his birthday. And we were both at this party for our friend Kourt, who was turning 21 a day before him, and when I was about to leave he was outside, and I kissed him and he made a weird face. Now his best friend is telling me he's just skeptic. What does that mean? and then I apologized for kissing him, and all he said was "nah it was cool, don't worry about it." ??????CONFUSED?????? But I don't know. I'm so lost. I know my breathe didn't smell bad. So why is he being so shy?

~lost~

[whiskeywoman]

I dunno hun, I wish I had the big book of answers I was promised the day I became a mom.

But, I was told they are out of stock and won't be giving anymore out until they can get the newer version in print, estimated delivery date is november 35th.

I mean there are so many differant reasons possible for his attitude.

He thinks hes rushing into something.

He has figured hes not ready.

Someone you both know blabbed that your a lesbian.

He thinks hes rushing you.

Someone you both know said your with someone else.

Maybe he is uncomfortable with public displays of affection.

I mean the list just goes on and on.

It could be too, that he is not used to a woman being so foward, a bit of time and reassurance will fix that.

Your friend said hes being skeptical,

perhaps he wants more than just a physical, wham, bam thank you ma'am type of relationship, and maybe hes afraid thats all you want.

You two really need to sit down and talk.

Ask him straight up why he made the face like you had lemon juice on your lips.

If you can't get a definitive answer, the best bet is to just walk away before you get any more attached.

Im sorry hun, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I apologize, sometimes it is easier to cut your losses and walk away.

If the talking and being friends doesn't work, I don't know what else will.

Keep us informed.

Whiskey

[blushNlez21]

Ok. So things with Terrance and I have gotten better. He said he doesn't want a relationship right now for a couple of reasons. For example one of them is he lives about an hour and a half away b/c he's going to college full time. (big plus he's in college) I understand that 100% and support him. I told him that maybe he misunderstood what I was getting at with him. I explained to him that I wasn't looking to tie him down in a relationship. Nor did I want friends with benifets. I just merely wanted someone I could "date" (you know when he's in town on the weekends), hang out with. And just have fun with. And now we are on a better understanding of everything. He said that sounded great to him. Besides I'm not ready for another relationship right now either. I have to heal from Leisa. Although we have gotten much better. I told her that within the next month and a half, I'd be moving out. She supported me 110% and said it would probably be the best way to preserve our friendship. So I'm looking into renting a house with a good friend of mine, and her hubby. Which turns out this friend is Leisa's younger sister. And this guy David would also be living with us. 3BR house, 2B and it's only like a 5 year old house. New carpet, all appliances, and the guy renting out is even leaving his living room furniture. So that is what I've been up to. Thank you all for keeping me sane. And just listening!!

Jess