My Girl Went Through My Stuff

[EggPhantom]

So, I live by myself and I let my girl come over when I wasn't there and she went through my personal things looking for empty condom packets, women's hair, cum stains on the sheets, my sex toys, etc.

I confronted her about it and she lied initially but slowly came clean on "some" of the things she did. Its been almost a week and we haven't seen each other and are broken up over it.

I am wondering if I didn't see stuff moved around or what. But then I wake up every morning and say "nope" I did see my stuff moved and gone through.

I am not sure if I should take her back. I seems like a small thing but what if it was a big thing. Would she come clean? I don'r think so and now I am here wondering what to do. hhhhheeeeellllppppp!

EggPhantom

[bbarney]

Hello, and welcome to the TT forums.

The thing to remember is that her actions show that she feels insecure in some way. This could be due to many reasons, and the likeliest is that she could have a history with bad relationships. There is the possibility that she suspects you for some reason, independent of history, or finally the grim option is that she herself is cheating which is a common factor for a partner to accuse the other.

While these all are reasons for a relationship to fail before it really has a chance, don't let it cause you to let go of yours if you aren't ready to. If you care for her enough, then I strongly advise that you just talk to her about it. Trust is a major factor of whether or not a relationship can last, so work on keeping trust between the both of you. She can lie, and in some cases it is almost expected. As humans we try to avoid painful situations. Don't let the lies deter you indefinitely. If you can work between the both of you and develop a trusting relationship, the lies will go away. If you cant, then maybe it just isnt meant to be.

Give her the chance and speak with her, you can work things out between the two of you. Dont let one issue end it forever. However if the mistrust becomes a pattern, then it is cause for the relationship to end.

[Tyger]

Hi there.

Well, I'm not sure of both of your ages, but I'm gonna guess that you're both young. This tends to happen in younger relationships, or when someone thinks the other is cheating. If she's ever been cheated on, you're going to have to prove yourself to her, even if you haven't cheated on her yourself. Insecure girls, girls that have been cheated on, and/or control freaks are going to be curious if they're going to find anything. The big question in their minds isn't IF you are cheating per say, but WHEN you will cheat.

Sound unfair? Yes, it probably is. It's not rational, especially when you haven't done anything wrong. There's also a big difference between checking your sheets, and possibly snooping into text messages, e-mails, personal papers. As one, I can tell you: girls are nosey. They're also highly suspicious, MORE so if they've been cheated on. If her last boyfriend before you cheated on her, then it's still pretty fresh.

If you feel violated, well, you have that right. She won't be the first woman to have ever gone a'snoopin', and she certainly won't be the last. Hell, I did that when I was younger. My first marriage, I thought, well, I'd done the jealous thing, so I gave him a lot more privacy than I had anyone else. I extended trust to him. It was disrespected. He went thru my stuff, and I found out HE was the one that cheated. THEN I snooped. Then I kicked his sorry ass out. Have I been that way since? Nope. I learned a long time ago, that if someone is going to cheat, there's nothing you can do about it.

The other thing I learned is that if that person's highly suspicious, they may be the ones that are cheating. I'm not sure if your GF was cheating or not, but that could be another reason why she snooped.

Either way, if you don't think you can trust her, there's no point in trying to get back with her. Relationships take trust, and if there isn't any, well, there's no relationship.

Best wishes!

[ladylove]

Did you ask her why she did it? and what was she hoping to find?

[EggPhantom]

She said she thought she saw a condom wrapper

[EggPhantom]

But that doesn't explain why she lied about it all that time

[bbarney]

She could have lied about it because she was afraid of the consequences. I know that sounds trivial but from personal experience that fear is terrifying.

Almost a year ago when I was on my way home from a meeting with one of my teachers my girlfriend was out at the newly opened shopping outlet. When I returned home I asked her where she was and when she would be home. She told me she was out with her sister and she didnt return until almost 9 at night. A couple days later, this guy at her workplace that I knew had feelings for her started a rumour (or someone close to him did) that my girlfriend was "tired of her annoying boyfriend" and that her and Jeremy had gone on a date the day she had been at the mall. I knew the rumour was false because she had been at the mall with her sister.

Two days later she tells me she has something important to tell me. She had gone with him because I wasnt expecting to be back till late and she really wanted to go out. Her sister had cancelled and she needed to get out of the house. The part that hurt me the most wasnt that she had gone with him. I knew I could trust her, and that she loves me. I also knew she didn't have feelings for him. What hurt was that she hadn't told me the truth and that sparked jealousy that still gets me. Though I know he isnt a threat and that they are just friends, her lying about it once causes a gut reaction to his name.

It taught me something very important though. Even in a trusting relationship we sometimes feel that gut reaction that we need to lie to stay safe. Maybe she was trying to avoid causing you pain or anger. It may not be the case, but if it is then a lot of trouble gets created over nothing. Give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe youll see that she was just trying to keep you from getting angry. It doesn't make her actions justified, but it allows you two to work it out.

[Tyger]

Possibly seeing a condom wrapper doesn't explain the detailed search that happened after she discovered it wasn't one. Just saying.....

[ladylove]

It sounds to me like she's just a very insecure, untrusting person. You just have to decide if the drama that stems from that is worth it to you.

We'd all love to know what's happening now and which way you decided to take the relationship.

[tootimidangela]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. I do not know the details of your relationship, but I can tell you it sounds like it could be a deeper issue. She could be struggling with trust issues in her past and doesn't realize it. Whether it's an ex-boyfriend or someone that left her in her childhood. She may be using the condom thing as an excuse...at least she did come forward. The only other thing I can think of is if you did something to jeopardize the trust in the relationship and she hasn't moved on or learned to forgive you. If you didn't, I would look deeper beyond this "empty condom" excuse. If she is worth it, I would have a long sit down with her to help you (and herself) understand why she did what she did. If the drama is not worth it and you don't feel she's willing to change, maybe it is time to move on.

Just my thoughts! Good luck to you!

[EggPhantom]

Issue update.

We are dating again. The other week I let her stay in my house for an hour when I was running an errand but she was sleeping the whole time.

She actually broke things off with me. But then she wanted to take it back and still consider me to be hers. I reassured her that we weren't a couple and she started cutting herself.

I like to be with her but I hate the persistent neediness. And the fact that she want me to be hers. Like a piece of property.

She has not changed at all since the time when I wrote this post. It's not gotten worse but it hasn't gotten better.

EggPhantom

[Sunshine Sam218]

Yeah I think it's a good thing that you're deciding to stay away from her. My past boyfriend was very needy and always wanted to be around me. It was almost scary, like I felt like I couldn't be able to breathe cause he was always in my personal space. Neediness isn't good and not healthy. She shouldn't be so dependant on you, that's a bad sign.

[ladylove]

Issue update.

We are dating again. The other week I let her stay in my house for an hour when I was running an errand but she was sleeping the whole time.

She actually broke things off with me. But then she wanted to take it back and still consider me to be hers. I reassured her that we weren't a couple and she started cutting herself.

I like to be with her but I hate the persistent neediness. And the fact that she want me to be hers. Like a piece of property.

She has not changed at all since the time when I wrote this post. It's not gotten worse but it hasn't gotten better.

EggPhantom

If she's truly a cutter, then she has some real emotional issues that she needs to address. You might want to let her figure out her issues before getting seriously involved.