What To Do?

[inexperienced]

Hello all-

I'm new to this forum, and as my username says, woefully inexperienced. I'm 24 and still a virgin. I'm not sure why--it's just never happened. It might be I'm too uptight, but there have been guys I've wanted to have sex with, so I don't think that's the problem. I don't have any body image problems and I'm an avid masturbater (well, I'd almost have to be) so I'm not closed to sexual feelings.

But, at this point, I'm extremely ashamed of my virgin status. I'm afraid of getting intimate with a guy and doing everything wrong. I've never given a blow job and have never had a guy get me off. I'm afraid my sexual partner would think there must be something wrong with me because I am still a virgin and so inexperienced. Now, I'm almost (actually definitely) afraid to try.

I feel lost. Can anyone give me some advice?

[allit]

I was with one virgin. We never had intercourse but had some great oral. Just ask him what makes him feel good. There are several threads here on the board where women describe their techniques. By the way, outside my asawa who is beyond fantasy, she was the best women I was with sexually, and that included 25-30 women.

Here is a line http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showtopic=882

[allit]

Hello all-

I'm new to this forum, and as my username says, woefully inexperienced. I'm 24 and still a virgin. I'm not sure why--it's just never happened. It might be I'm too uptight, but there have been guys I've wanted to have sex with, so I don't think that's the problem. I don't have any body image problems and I'm an avid masturbater (well, I'd almost have to be) so I'm not closed to sexual feelings.

But, at this point, I'm extremely ashamed of my virgin status. I'm afraid of getting intimate with a guy and doing everything wrong. I've never given a blow job and have never had a guy get me off. I'm afraid my sexual partner would think there must be something wrong with me because I am still a virgin and so inexperienced. Now, I'm almost (actually definitely) afraid to try.

I feel lost. Can anyone give me some advice?

P.S. You have the basic quality of a great lover, a willingness to please.

[nosleepnmesa]

Hiya Inexperianced!!! There are also alot of sex educational articles here to. Here is a link to them. Also there is no reason to be ashamed of your virginity status. Why be ashamed and don't worry about it, I mean sex is adult play, stress relieving, fun don't worry about everything not being perfect you are learning. Heck I have 5 children and married and I am still learning.

No reason to be ashamed or be worried about not doing something right, if you are ready to lose the V card make sure you and your partner are able to talk. Communication is a wonderful tool when it comes to sex.

Good Luck and Keep us Posted!!!!!

http://www.tootimid.com/sex_education/index.htm

[whiskeywoman]

There is nothing and I do mean NOTHING wrong with being a virgin at 24.

To me it says you are very finicky about whom you want to share your body with, and again, there is nothing wrong with that.

personally, if I am going to sleep with someone, I prefer to have some sort of emotional feelings towards them as well.

I agree one hundred percent with Howard.

Once you are involved with someone seriously, and you decide to let him into your bed, sit down in a non sexual enviorment, and go on the fact finding mission as Howard suggests.

And when you do get ready to take that giant leap, first and formost, relax, I know it is hard to do when you go to take that step,

but you have to relax, otherwise your muscles will tighten up and it can and will hurt.

Have lots and lots of forplay, and use lots of lube, the more lube, the less likely it is to hurt.

I certainly hope you have a kind and caring lover who is willing to take his time, this will make all the differance in the world.

If you and your lover have discussed everything, it will make the night a wonderful experiance, and.... it only gets better with time.

Good luck!

[inexperienced]

Thanks for all the advice!

I love the suggestion of waiting until I find someone I have an emotional connection with and then having an open discussion about things. However, I'm afraid that might take forever! Like most single people, I've been looking for someone that I have a connection to, and it's frustrating when it doesn't happen, again and again.

I think I'm going to have to be more proactive about meeting new people and giving guys a chance.

Or I'll just hire a gigalo.

[ambrelyn]

I was a virgin until 24 myself. I'm 25 now. I just had never found that right guy. The one that I felt that comfortable with. Also, for me, I was looking for someone that would take control, but that's something else all together.

Don't worry about being a virgin. It will happen when it's meant to happen with the person it's supposed to happen with. Until then, just have fun. When you're ready, it won't be a big deal, it'll just happen. In fact, if you're at all like me, you'll be raring to go. In the meantime, if you have questions feel free to ask!!

[cfhayback]

I'm going to give a contrarians view here, so excuse me in advance...

Virginity (and the loss thereof) has this big hype, build-up to it, like some giant turning point in a man's or (more importantly it seems) woman's life... Because of this, sex can have this huge stigma attached, piled high with shame and guilt in the heart and mind of the Virgin... Societally, we put restrictions on our selves... some good (traffic laws, codes of polite behavior, etc...), but some just seem to be put in place to control, and they end up fucking up people's self-esteem and self image... You're not a "good" boy/girl for being virginal, or a whore/slut for acting upon normal, rational, sometimes animal urges... though so many influences (parents, religious figures, etc...) tell us otherwise... keeps the shrinks in businees, though...

If you are 24, masturbating regularly, interested in moving forward and reading and posting on online forums... honey, you're more than ready... My advice would be to find a guy you're NOT interested in romantically (no "love" pressure), someone you like and trust... and just have some fun... Be careful, be safe, use condoms and birth control, and don't get pregnant... But get it over with, and hope that it is enjoyable... then you can proceed with the important stuff in life, having jumped this "hurdle"

You'll probably be bad (how bad could sleeping with a virgin be?) at somethings, maybe have some natural, god-given talents... Don't be worried about doing the wrong thing... for most younger guys, you're just being there, naked and ambitious is more than enough... reading the insightful posts here (other than those by allit) and perhaps picking up a book or two on sexual "tips" will be helpful...

Of course, I remember the first time I got on a surfboard... NONE of the many books I had read about the subject, during the winter before, prepped me for the actual experience... None gave me balance or showed me how to stay put on this piece of plactic sqirming on tumultuous waters... No post/manual/tip column could prepare you for the amazing feelings this amazing act can offer... or the disappointment of a lame lover.. or the loss of a failed romance... You just have to experience these... as most of the posters here have...

You'll notice alot of the women on the forum talking about the great sex they are having NOW... Now that they have found the one who pleases them sexually ( and probably emotionally and spiritually too)... But, you'll also read of their EXes, why they were EX-ed, How good/bad past experiences were... well, they all got here on roughly the same path... LIFE... Sex is part of that, some would say a vital part... but it is just part. So, don't put the weight of the world, and all the gravity of your romantic future on that one, falsely pivotal encounter... it may very well suck... or be fun... it's up to you... Unless you have some religious constrictions, you probably won't end up with your first lover for eternity...

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my post... but it is how I feel on the subject.

GOOD LUCK inexperienced!!!!!!

[Tyger]

Well, I agree with most of the posters here too.

There's nothing wrong with waiting until you are FULLY ready to have sex. No matter what your age, woman or man!

It shows you were just NOT ready to have sex. Now that you're searching, asking questions, and curious, it shows that you are probably ready to have sex.

Only you know how you're going to be. Do you get easily attatched to people? Does doing things with others make you feel closer to them?

Most women get strong feelings towards their "first". So only YOU are going to know whether or not you'll be like that. It's a normal thing. It's rare to NOT have those feelings towards your first, IMO. That's why the normal advise is "find someone that you find special to have sex with for your first time". Having someone you know and trust for your first time, since you will always remember it, makes it a bit more "special". Thank evolution for that.

Women are geared to feel more maternal, and to stay put, take care of the "cave" so to speak. Men are geared to go forth & mulitply!

If you're not an overly emotional woman, then, maybe finding a friend that you like and trust, but don't have feelings for would be the thing to go for. But, try not to over-think it either. Sex is suppose to be fun, for both parties! Just a little warning though, for women, during their first time, they're more worried about the impression they're making, and the twinge of pain of the hymen breaking, then enjoying the sensations, so don't be overly surprised if your first time isn't the best on the planet.

But don't have sex, JUST to "pop your cherry" either. There are several STDs out there, that just make it a bit more risky to just go have sex. Gawd!! I sound like your mom!! Just be sure, no matter WHO you decide to have sex with, that you're safe (condoms, condoms, condoms!!)

You DO have the beginnings of being a good lover. The desire to please, and to ask questions, it's a great thing!! It's a big step to ask questions. Whether it be in person, or as slightly anonomous as the internet allows you to be.

Sorry to sound so contractory, but those are the things to think about, IMO.

[todd1107]

Hi inexperienced,

Here is a slightly different male point of view based on a recent experience. My second oldest son got married in June of this year and both he and his g/f waited, not until they got married but about a month before. My kids are very frank with me and he came to me with a problem a couple of months before. He said they wanted to wait but both were afraid that a first time on a honeymoon night could be an awkward way to start things off, they didn't know what to do. My advice was that they had already "waited" for each other and I thought he was right, it could be very awkward and not a honeymoon memory he might want to carry. He took my advice and they got some experience prior to the wedding but only by a month or so. Both were glad they did, but they were both even happier that they had waited the time they had. Sex and marriage are both new things to them now and they are having the time of thier lives- I hardly see my boy these days, way to go kid!

All their friends, other parents, etc. were under the presumption that they were both still virgins on the wedding day ( which really wasn't their business but people talk ). You should have seen all the guys and girls both that stood around and talked about how incredibly special such a thing was in our modern age and how lucky both of them were. Most of his college buddies who just spent 4 years telling girls that being a virgin wasn't cool were wishing they knew one they liked....

I know in their case it was something they both decided early on ( they started dating in 8th grade and got married after both graduated college ) they were going to remain virgins until marriage. It is not for everyone but if you have held back this long it is probably for a reason and one that is important to you at that. Don't compromise that because you feel behind, not experienced, etc. A lot of women equate sex and commitment and I think that is pretty natural when you consider one possible outcome of sex- children and a lifetime of raising them.

If a guy does not appreciate the fact you are a virgin, well, odds are your values may not line up at all and that is a big thing to consider. I guess that is where I don't fully agree with 'find a trusted friend and let them have you" when it is not someone you have a long term interest in. You might or might not feel bad afterward along the lines of waiting all this time, passing on having sex with guys you wanted to have sex with all to end up having sex with someone you have no interest in. You could feel anything from cheap to cheated and that has the potential to mess with you and your view of sex long term.

One good way to know if a guy truly has feelings for you is to see if one will wait a while. If all he wants is sex or that is his main interest he'll be gone soon enough. If he really cares about you he'll wait until you are ready. He may try, but he will respect a "no, not yet". If he hangs around for a while ( and isn't some loser with nothing better to do ) then 2 things are probably true-

1. He really cares about you.

2. He probably at least has similar values.

Those are both great things, once you know you have them then you decide when the time is right and go with it. If he really cares and knows you are a virgin he is going to appreciate that a whole lot ( that you saved yourself just for him ) and believe me, he isn't going to be looking for some porn star sexual performance. He'll move slow and let you gain some experience and once you do, no doubt you will rock his world for a long time to come.

In my opinion that beats an awkward night with someone you aren't interested in just for the sake of experience by a long ways. There are still guys out there that will really appreciate your status, don't be ashamed of it or in a hurry to get rid of it because that's about the time one will come along- right afterward. By all means, go out and meet lots of guys. Be sure of what you want and trust who you are is someone that has an equally special guy looking for them.

Fate is an amazing thing, don't cheat it. In the mean time, grab your toys and go to town. Being sexually frustrated really sucks too. It just seems a shame to throw away all that waiting on a "non event", especially because somebody will really appreciate it. I saw a whole church full of people that thought it was nothing short of awesome.

He's out there, now go and find him and don't settle until you do.

Just one guys opinion.....

Best of luck no matter what.

[inexperienced]

Hi everyone!

I'm back to let everyone know I am no longer a virgin. I lost it to a guy I've been dating who I like a lot. He is older but not terribly experienced himself and so far he has been pleased with my performance.

This is how it happened: taking Howard's advice, I joined a group for young professionals and started attending meetings for the community service committee (I've always loved doing community service) I met this guy who I thought was really cute. It wasn't until a month (and several drinks) later that we made out (in a bar, which wasn't necessarily a good idea). I was actually kind of surprised that he called me after that. We went pretty far sexually pretty quickly, but it felt natural, so we just went with it. It didn't hurt my first time and I didn't use any lube, which made me quite happy. And he says I'm a natural at blowjobs!

The thing is, I lied to him about being a virgin--as in I told him I wasn't. I told him I had had sex a total of three times six years ago, but that I had had sex. I'm not sure I'm ever going to tell him the truth. I told him I wasn't very experienced (that I had never given a blowjob, had a guy go down on me, etc) but I thought he might be freaked out by the 'virgin' thing, so I lied about it. Is this the worst thing in the world? Our first time went really smoothly, and I actually enjoyed it a lot although I didn't come, so does he even need to know?

Let me know what you think, and thanks!

(BTW, we used protection and I'm on birth control, so no need to worry about that!)

[Valntyn]

I might rock the boat a little on this one, but please remember these are MY feelings. I'm not writing this to point fingers or slam anyone!

While I agree with Howard that it is YOUR business whether you tell someone you're a virgin or not, I have to say I'm caught up on the fact that you lied to your new partner. Personally, I don't see that as a good beginning to a relationship, starting it with lies. If this is someone with whom you don't see a future / it was a one time thing, I guess it isn't THAT big a deal, but if it's someone with whom you end up being with for a while, I hope the truth eventually comes out.

I guess I say this because, first off, I hate liars. If I found out my partner had done that to me, it wouldn't be the fact that they were a virgin that would bother me (I couldn't care less); it would be the fact that they'd lied to me. Also, I'm a person who likes to really know a person and their sexual history before I have sex with someone, for safety reasons, if nothing else. Assumptions can be made when you think the other person has experience and that can lead to trouble. I'm glad you said you used protection and that everything went well.

Also, it seems to me that if you're questioning the fact that you're not sure if lying to him was a good idea, you might not be comfortable with the fact that you did lie. (Forgive me if I'm wrong -- it's hard to tell from a few words, you know? ) It might be a good idea to 'fess up now and get it off your chest. More than likely he'll understand you said what you said just cuz you were nervous about how he'd react.

Again, if you're comfortable with how you handled things, then keep it that way and enjoy! Like I said, I personally have a hard time with lies/liars, and that's where I'm hung-up on your situation. If it doesn't bother you, ignore me. Hehe.

I agree with Howard about reading the suggested articles! Get those juices flowing. Learn how to pleasure yourself. Then teach him how to pleasure you and learn from him what feels good so you can pleasure him. If this is an ongoing relationship, this will be a great one, learning together.