Newbie Mrslonely89 Posted November 11, 2018 Newbie Report Share Posted November 11, 2018 My husband and I have been together 6 years. The first 4 years of our relationship he had a serious drug problem...resulting in him cheating as well as a number of other things. Anyways, he is now sober and on suboxone which has been known to lower drive in men. At first he blamed his low drive on the medication. Then at times he blamed me nagging him. Hes blamed it on several things but as he grows in his recovery hes shared that the guilt of the cheating he did in active addiction hit him hard in recovery, and he says that he feels like a piece of crap when he is intimate with me and initiates sex. He says this is why he isnt interested in sex...because it is something he is working on (sex addiction or cheating addiction) I have coped as best as I could for the last two years. However these are the parts that make this confusing for me...when I initiate he never turns me down, but he also doesnt participate much (lays there and insists I do the work). Its like he wont get on top or do any work and I dont know if it is because he cant stay hard due to medication unless I am on top? But everything I read (I have masters degree in social work and studied psychology quite a bit) says limbido lost die to medication means no interest in porn either and he is watching porn like every other day. So I dont know what to thing. Can medication cause you to not be interested in your S/O but still interested in porn? Or is he not suffering from low limbido at all and is this a psychological thing going on like he says in regards to the cheating he did years ago and the guilt? It's been two years of having to initiate to get laid and feeling undesired by my husband. Please help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbie Mrslonely89 Posted November 11, 2018 Author Newbie Report Share Posted November 11, 2018 Ps. He is on a very low dose of suboxone. Pls dont knock the treatment. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RC4BLUE Posted November 11, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2018 While the medication your husband is taking does cause some lowered sexual desire, what you describe is not all drug related. To be very forward, it sounds like he has using any excuse he can to avoid healthy sexual relationship with you. He may be using porn to excite him rather than turn to you. You may want to consult an ASSCET certified sex therapist for assistance. There seems to be more going on here than simple medication side effects. All the best to you on this journey. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Papabear Posted November 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2018 I’m gona be honest, me and my wife just went through something extremely similar- I was not really interested in sex with her for a long time. I would never turn her down but I definatley never initiated. One night me and her were talking and I decided to open up to her. for me, my problem was that I didn’t think she was enjoying it, it became something that we just did- it was not pleasurable for me at all. I would have sex with her just to do my husbandly duties. She was always nagging, we were always fighting. I told her if she wouldn’t always be mad at me then maybe, and I made a bunch of excuse during this time period. After we had this conversation it opened up a lot of misconceptions and miscommunications. Our sex life now is the best it has ever been since our marriage. We are exploring each other’s desires and for the first time we are (and I) are experiencing open communication in our marriage and in the bedroom. I know each situation is different, but I at least wanted to share my experience since it is close. Hope it it works out for you 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Papabear Posted November 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2018 Granted this was not overnight change, and both of us were willing to make ourselves vulnerable enough to do this work- but it has been oh so worth it!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members M1972O Posted December 9, 2018 Members Report Share Posted December 9, 2018 My husband of 17 years has no sex drive, either. We have 2 kids, 16 and 14, then did it, like, 5 times in the next 1.5 decades. We finally got it together last weekend, agreed to at least every 2 weeks, and I feel so much closer to my husband, now. Initiate sex (although by the end of the dry spell, I didnt care, half the time), because the longer you go w/o, the easier it is to continue to go w/o. GOOD LUCK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbie Crandell Posted February 19, 2019 Newbie Report Share Posted February 19, 2019 He maybe watching too much porn. I am a believer that it can create a distraction in your brain. It happened to me. I had full on erectile dysfunction from too much. I quit and in about 30 days or so I had very increased sex drive. I went and bought a dildo for my wife, a cock ring, vibrator and a butt plug. All toys for us to use together. We have had great sex over the past week and I’m not watching any porn or even masturbating privately but my sex drive has increased with her big time. Good luck 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted February 28, 2019 Report Share Posted February 28, 2019 Not going to knock the treatment because there's no reason to do so. I will say that if he's been on the treatment for a while, is there a time limit on how long he should be on it? If he's over that time limit, is he using it as a crutch? If you have degrees in the areas mentioned, then you know as well as anyone here that he really needs to talk to someone professional about his issues and his low libido. Where you are knowledgeable, he won't open up to you because, honestly, you are not a neutral party in this, and he needs to open up to someone that he doesn't feel bad or guilty about hurting, or a responsibility to. You also know his excuses and blaming are just a lame coping mechanism that allows him to not accept any personal responsibilities for his chosen behavior. Even with the treatment, he is now CHOOSING to watch porn instead of initiating and enjoying sex with you. Porn gives people an unrealistic expectation of what sex is going to be. Even if you're a mature person, and deep-down, KNOW better that porn is just sex-play/fantasy, your brain may not react the same way as your body does. So, I'd recommend him stopping watching the porn. His lack of personal accountability and responsibility to what he's done, and what he is doing is really seemingly key here, and I encourage you to have him go to a licensed professional to really talk to someone and get it out. He IS choosing to not address his issues, and instead of seeking help, or trying different things, blaming you is easier, and you're handy to do so. That being said, and, no disrespect or negativity intended, he may or may not come to realize that, no offense, he may be staying with you out of comfort, loyalty, and familiarity. I don't know if that's the case or not, and I certainly hope not. But you have stayed with him thru quite a bit.....so, and you probably know this, the possibility is there. Then, you need to probably figure out how much you are willing to put up with, deal with, and cope with.......with our without him. You are nobody's punching bag (metaphorically speaking), and you are not responsible for other people's actions, even your husband's. Much well-wishes to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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