To Have Or Have Not

[hrnychick]

This is something that I just wanted to get off my chest.....and what better place then here and maybe some may even offer some helpful advice or words of wisdom.

Hubby and I have been going back and forth on the subject of having another child or calling it quits and one of us closes up shop for good. I sat up many nights thinking of this.....do I really want another child at my age? I am 36 and we have 3 wonderful children, 2,6,and 9 and before our third was born we had a loss. I had to terminate the pregnancy in my fifth month. Many medical reasons lead to this and its not something that I am totally over I dont think I will ever be......any mom out there knows what I am talking about......well anyway I am dealing with it and my healthy third child makes me a believer that everything happens for a reason.

So the loss, the kids I already havem my age and not to mention my tolerence level......have me really really thinking. I love kids dont get me wrong and I love mine to no end but do I really want to go through that 9 months of morning sickness and weight gain and whatever else except for the loss I always had pretty good pregnancies but lots of morning sickness that never ended.......I know this is something that cant be answered by anyone but us (hubby and I ) Now if I say I we are done no more kids then the topic of which one of us should "get fixed" comes up.......He leaves all the choices up to me most of the time except this one.....He said he is NOT going to go under the knife.....so that makes me think its take two to have a baby so why does it have to be ME to be the one.

Im thinking both of us should do it.....but then again.....If he wont then what can I do right?

I know some of the TooTimid gang have a child or children so are you done? If so how did you really really know its what you wanted? Also who was the one to "get fixed"? Maybe after venting about this and getting some replies and giving it more thought I will find my answer. Im so on the fence about this I would like another child for many reasons and then again the days my 3 are ripping my clean house apart and fighting and ofcourse there is college to think about.....I say to myself "what are we nuts" lol

Hrnychick

[nosleepnmesa]

Well Hrnychick, as a mother of 5 wonderful, and at times out of control children. I have been were you are.

I also lost a child, he lived a week and died, due to many complications I had during my pregnancy. I tried again and had my last child. How did I know I didn't want anymore, I relized I liked my sleep

Actually when my son died, I thought I was going to be done, then one day my hubby said he wanted another, and in a way so did I. Well we did since I have five but I made a promise to myself that if I had a healthly beautiful baby this time that I was going to be done. The way I actually relized that enough was enough, my little sister got pregnant, I say little but she is 30 and I was there when she gave birth and let me tell you it made me think for a minute I want one more. Then after holding my neiph and relizing that hey I don't have to get up with him every two hours and I can sleep threw the night I decided that I was done.

My SO was like yours, he WASN'T getting fixed for nothing. We had our disagreement about it, I mean what is good for the goose is good for the gander right? In fact it is very simple for a man to get fixed, my friend went in got snipped and was out in no time. Well since the doctors were going to give me a full hysterectomy anyway my hubby had a way out, saying well you have to have this done either way so why should I get fixed then.

Here is the questions I would ask myself. Now don't get me wrong, I love kids and all that comes with them, I must look how many I had. Anyway, here are a few questions to think about. Are you mentally prepared for the lack of sleep along with dealing with the others? This next question may seem a little rough but it isn't ment that way, so please don't take it wrong. Are you thinking about having another one maybe to try to replace the one that you lost? I know nothing will replace that pregnancy but sometimes couples think that if they have another one that it will help the pain of the lost go away.

As you already mentioned the chose is yours and who gets fixed is a battle all it's own. This is only my opinion and outlook being a mother of 5 and also dealing with a death of my own child also.

Good Luck and keep us posted!

[chickenmom]

I have three children of my own, 10, 12, 13 and my 15 year old nephew. After the third one was born, I wanted another, but the hubby said no. He made the appointment himself for a vasectomy. He was the oldest of 5 boys and felt like financially that was what we could afford. As I stated, at the time, I wanted 1 more. You're in that "toddler mode,'" so having another is no big deal at the time. I also babysat and it was no problem to take 6 or 8 kids to the store, the beach, anywhere. Somehow, you know how to get it done. Now that all of mine are older though, I'm seeing the light at the end of tunnel and would not choose to have another at this point. If God blessed us with one, that's okay. I wouldn't choose to have another though. As much as I love my children, I am looking forward to getting my life back. As you know, when you have children, your life is not your own. It's theirs. I think that you already know what you want, you just have to come to terms with it. Whatever you decide, be at peace with your decision. It'll be okay.

[me4now]

i am a mother of 4 two are natural and the other two are adoptive my husband and i had a hard time gettting pregnant due to me having fibriods on the uterus and i was put on this medicine called LUPRON it was to help shrink my fribroids it only shrunk 10% so i had to have a myemectomy(i hope spelled it right) to have them removed that alone was awful for me because it put in menapause and that put so much pressure on me and husband and our marriage no sex drive no emotion just terrible.

and finally we got pregnant with our daughter who's now 3 in the process of carrying her i lost my mother when i was 7mos that took a huge toll on me but our daughter came safe and healthy my mother was foster parent who adoptive 3 children my husband and i didnnt let then go so we inturn adotive my brother & sister who our now our children 9 & 12 and a year &1/2 later (SURPRISE ) up pop our son who will 2 in september. (we didnt use any protection that whole 1 1/2 and as soon as we said that we would try in the months to come up pop #2)

i thought about having another child and relize that i was not getting younger and after 2 great!!!!!c-section plus previous surgery i didnt want any more surgery's my husband wanted to get a vacetomy but the doctor kept changing the dates so while i was on the table having our son i did what was needed and i my husband ask why didnt i want to wait and i explain that i wasnt take anymore chances.

its not easy being a parent at times but it is well worth all we go through i would say you have your option to have and to not have and it seems as if you know your answer but just needed to hear if you were alone about this topic. AND YOUR NOT PRAY AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART i hope we have help a little

[trickychick]

I have 3 kids age 6, 2 and 10 mnth, and I have to say *ahem* none of them were 'planned' but I love them all theyre great, if hard work.

I worry about future finances, as my partner has a son from a previous relationship as well, and it could end up costing us a fortune so based on that alone Ive finished having babies. Also I dont want to be pregnant AGAIN, give birth AGAIN, have no sleep AGAIN, nor end up destitute. The smallest has only been sleeping through the night for a few months and its nice to have my body back (my partner agrees) and my bed and our room to ourselves!!!

I would have liked to get my tubes tied but someone said they get really heavy periods from that, so I will probably stay on the pill. I wouldnt ask/tell him to have the snip, that would be up to him, same as getting my tubes tied is up to me.

TC

[ambrelyn]

My fiancee has two kids (his first wife died), and we've discussed having children ourselves. We both want one that's ours, but we've said that's all. Sometimes I'm not so sure. I always said I was going to have two children and no more. But then I'd always assumed they would both be mine. Now I think, he has two, and if we have two together, that's four kids! I'm not sure we could handle that, financially if for no other reason. Money plays a big part in this kind of decision. I've also never been pregnant or given birth, so I don't know how I'd feel about more after that. And also, his youngest was two when we met, so she was even mostly potty trained then. So I missed the whole baby part of it.

As far as getting fixed. I would have a full hysterectomy, not ask him to get snipped. But I have a health problem that might be solved from a hysterectomy. Plus, who needs the period and cramps every month. On the other hand, when I talked to my dr about it, he said, you and he may have decided not to have any more than one, but what if something happens to him, or to the marriage, you might change your mind, then you're stuck with this decision.

So really, it all comes down to personal decisions. Can you afford it? Are you up to all that it will entail? Do you want the stress and fatigue that comes with it, as well as all the joys? There isn't anyone that can answer that but you. If you are so undecided though, I'd just let it lie. Don't make any drastic descisions until you are 100% sure it's what you want. Just keep using some form of birth control, until it's clear to you. That's what I plan to do.

[hrnychick]

THANK YOU ALL so much its just nice to know that I am not alone. As I said I know its somethng only hubby and I can answer but it has helped just to write about it and get replies. I have a lot to still think over......and i will keep you all posted.....its nice to hear from other moms.

Katprr,

I just wanted you to know that I did not take what you said about the loss and having another child in anyway wrong. I know exactly what you ment. We had two and lost the third and we were told to wait a year if we wanted to have another......well Dr GAVE me yes I said GAVE me samples of birth control to last me the year which as anyone knows the pill is not cheap and for me It wasnt covered by my insurance so anyway after the pills were gone I had to back for a yearly check up and he said IF we wanted to we were good to go.....and I knew I wanted to we both knew.....I was so affraid but if something was to go wrong this time then I knew it just wasnt ment for me to have anymore children......so next time around Drs visits were going well.....I was put on a bit of a watch I wouldnt say HIGH risk but I had more tests etc done early on.....GOD the stuff I had to go through I never in my wildest dreams would think I would have the courage to go through it all......but anyway the only "problem" if you want to call it that was that I wasnt gaining every week I would gain then drop then gain the drop but Dr checked and said baby was gaining so all was good......so in the end gave birth to a healthy 8 pound 4ounce boy.....and ended up dropping like 40pounds in no time.....still dont know what was up with that.....I would eat everything and still drop weight......what a diet lol.....so our last child "took the place" if I should even say that of the one we lost.......I think its really the question of if I or hubby gets "fixed" then its really a done deal.....and I think that is what I am affraid of.....Oh well like I said I have A LOT to consider and think over but thanks to YOU and to all of the other MoMs who replied.......im so glad I found this site.

Hrnychick

[nosleepnmesa]

Thank you Hrnychick, Just a quick question, since with my last child I ate everything in the world and would gain a few pounds then lose them. My little one gained weight jsut fine, I was just wondering if they checked your blood work for your Thyroid, it is not normally in the prenatal work up. They found out that was why I was losing and gaining weight during my pregnancy with my last child. Well then come to find out I had Grave's Disease to, which is also due to a Hyperthyroid. Yep after my last son I lost so much weight, I have to say LOL what a weight lose program.

Well please keep us posted and updated.

[Mikayla1]

This is a very interesting question. You know, I have one son, he is 4 1/2, and my hubby and I are trying to decide if we want to have another. For me pregnancy was GREAT, but I have to have another C-Section, which is fine, but that also means more weight gain, more stretch marks, etc. Now, I don't mind the changes in my body from my son, they are my badges of motherhood, so to speak. However, I am older now, past that 35 year mark, I just wonder if my body with bounce back as quickly. There are more risks, etc.

I would love to give my son a sibling, sometimes he seems lonely. I also loved being pregnant. I am just not sure. So, you are NOT the only person going through this, that is for sure. I think you just have to really listen to your heart - what does it say? That will give you the answer you seek quicker than all of us can!

Good luck!

Mikayla

[Tyger]

What IS it with men thinking that WE should be the ones to get "fixed" and not them?? Like it de-masculates them or something!! My dh is the same darn way! Not like women have enough physical crap to deal with: pregnancy, weight gain, PMS, periods......OK, I think I am done the rant, sorry! LOL

I am so sorry for the losses that some of the posters have experienced. I have one healthy 3 1/2 yr old baby girl, and it scares the hell outta me, just thinking of something bad happening to her.

My DH has a girl from a previous marriage, and says he wants to try for a boy. Both of his siblings died tragic deaths in their adulthood, so he's the only child left to give grandbabies. Well, there is no positive way to make sure we'd have a boy. Plus, HE'S not the one that would have to go thru another c-section, which I tore, and had a bad time of it all. Plus, the stretch marks, weight, and my sanity!! I don't want another one. One child is perfectly FINE with me. But most ppl look at me like since that's not really "normal" down here in TX to have just ONE, and NOT want more.

I guess it's going to have to be a personal choice, as always. Just let your hubby know, that in the case of elective sterilization, for the man to have it done is cheaper, and so much faster! For the woman, it's a matter of being in the hospital at least over night, where the man is day surgery, in, snip, out. Bastards get everything easy!! LOL

[hrnychick]

Katprr,

In answer to your question NO they did not check my blood for a thyroid problem. I guess the fact that the baby was healthy was enough for them. Family told me so many reasons as to why I could be dropping weight at a time I should be gaining......you know everyone thinks they know the answer why lol......well I did have a BAD sinus infection.....the worse ever and I couldnt take anything stronger then Tylenol that was one reason I was given.....maybe true for some of the time but not for the whole time.....another reason was I had some other things going on and I was also told it was my nerves and thats why......yet again after everything I dont think that was totally it either.

I have to shamefully say I have since gained back some of the weight I lost while pregnant and right after. Its so up and down and sometimes seem like a lost cause that I am now goint to ask my Dr at my next visit for full blood work. Just to see if I could have a thyroid problem or not. That way I will know for sure if its me and do more excercise etc....or if its medical. Thanks for pointing out a possiable problem with your question. I never thought of it.

Tyger,

My point exactly why do the guys think it shouldnt be them to get fixed. I agree we women go through enough.....thats my arguement with hubby. Is it to much to ask? LOL . He is great with the kids but If I do it I could just see what I would come home to after just one night in the hospital.......oh brother lol

Thanks you for your syampathy towards my loss (and Katprrs as well) After having two great pregnancies and two very healthy boys you couldnt imagine my shock to find out something was wrong. You know they say sometimes you just know.....and looking back after-the-fact I did know.......but thought maybe it was me......maybe things were just different the third time around due to age etc. Again I say everything happens for a reason......Its a hard thing to deal with but I am a stronger person because of it.

Mikayla,

Thanks to you and the others its nice just knowing I am not alone on this. I will find that answer that only I know......but its nice being able to put it out there to see what other moms have to say.

Thanks to all the Sexy Mommas of TooTimid.

Hrnychick