Need Some Advice

[Sweetpup]

Hi all,

First time here. I need some advice, first off some backround. My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Have two beautiful girls togeather. My wife was a stay at home mom for 10 years. I travel for work (not to often) but am usally home on weekends. We have fallin into the married couples rut.

My wife took care of the kids and the house, but gave up on the house beacause of not being aknowlaged.

I admit I am to blame for this too, for not giving my wife the compliment and aknowlagement she needs.

Three months ago I sensed something wrong (I know not soon enough) so I started doing some research.

I have a problem showing affection. I have now learned it's ok to show emotion. I started to change my habits with helping around the house, The kids, showing more attention, cuddling & kissing more. I have always enjoyed sex but it was only about 3 times a year. I have tried to keep it going in the bedroom with candles, sexy lingerie, or what ever I could think of, but nothing helped. I found out a couple of months ago (from cell phone bill) that she has been calling a co-worker. I asked her who the number was and she told me it was a girl from work. I know she lied because I called the number. I asked her who this guy is and she said she was sorry she lied to me. We talked about it, along with alot of other things as we have been lately. Now keep in mind that I have been changing my ways to save our marriage. My wife told me they were only talking as friends about the kids. He also is married and has kids. Some days she would call up to 5 times to talk to him. Then I find out from a friend (who she talked to about this) that they were kissing. My wife told me it was only one kiss. She told me nothing else was going on and sex never entered her mind. I think she is still hiding something but can't prove it. I love my wife deeply and am willing to forget the past and start new with no secrets and alot more communicating. We both agreed and is working better. We both do things around the house and with the kids. We started having date nights to try to get to know one another again like when we got married. I have never been able to keep my hands off of her. I have showen alot more affection twords her (maybe too much) but not getting much in return. I have changed almost 180 degrees in 3 months and she said she has a hard time with that. I don't want to fall into that rut again. I promised her I wouldn't even if she had to kick me. We still don't have sex because she has no feelings for it, but she still uses her toys. Now I don't know what to belive. Sometimes I ask myself is it worth it and is this what I really want. My wife thinks everything is going ok between us but little things keep poping up. I try to talk about it but she doesn't say much then changes the subject. I guess I need comfirmation that she is in this marriage 110% like I am. She told me that she is but I can't see her trying any harder then she did before. I don't think we're getting any closer or passionate about each other. Maybe I'm wrong and just don't see it. If anyone can shed some light on this or been in this situation please reply. Everything on these boards seems to be the other way around. Thanks to all.

[Mikayla1]

I agree with Howard, you need some counseling or professional help! Things like this happen in marriage ALL the TIME! We get caught up in the everyday, forget to be loving, sweet, cuddly, sexy or whatever with our spouse. Kids take a lot of time, work drains us, we get to feeling lonely and unloved even when living wtih our spouse! The thing is, you are both responsible - and SHE has got to take responsibility for those phone calls and the kissing.

Also, the rule of thumb on cheating (and she did cheat) is that if the person told you that they were never intimate, it is a lie. Women don't risk their marriages (or men either) to go outside the realm of the relationship to KISS! Especially if she is still talking to him. I think that she was unhappy, lonely, confused or whatever and now it is time for her to decide what she wants.

You need to discuss why she stepped outside the marriage. Don't let her blame it all on you - if she wanted more cuddling, talking, sex - she should have said something to you. Many, many families have kids, lives, work and still make time for each other. I would ask her if she still loves you - period. IF the answer is YES, then go to the counseling, if it is NO, then you have a lot of thinking to do, if it is "I don't know" that is her trying to figure out if she wants you or the other guy.

I know, sounds harsh. I have been here with an ex (bofriend) before, and my gilfriend had the same experiences with her (now) ex-husband. I would go slow and think twice and see if this can be resolved.

Counseling is great if you both want to put in the effort. I can tell by your post that YOU do, the question now is, does she?

Mikayla

[Tyger]

I agree with both Howard and Mikayla.

You must ask her what she thinks and feels about the marriage itself. Not the comfort it provides, but the actual relationship of it. Then go to counselling if she wants to stay for YOU and HER, not for the house, paycheck, car.

Also, 3 months of changing is great on your part! I'm glad that you finally wizened up to your lacking affection and appreciation, to show how you feel and appreciation for what and who she is to you. Better late than never. However, some womanly advise: Have you disappointed her before? If she's noticed it, which she probably has, she may be wondering how long this will be lasting. Why get your hopes up if they are to be dashed right when you start to get into the whole change? It would be very disappointing. Now, I'm not putting all the blame on you, so don't get me wrong here.

A marriage takes 2 people making an effort. Open communications on both ends.

Yes, she cheated. Any physical, intimate contact, even a kiss, is cheating. As mentioned, if she went outside the marriage for any sort of affection, and if there was only sex 3 times a year, the chances of it JUST being a kiss is slim. However, I wouldn't harp on it, or constantly accuse her. If/when she is ready, she will admit to what the relationship with her caller is. Getting attention from someone other than your spouse is very tempting and flattering. How you choose to respond to it is ultimately YOUR responsibility. The blame lies on the cheater, fully, IMO. You're in charge of your body and actions. No one can FORCE you to cheat. However, if you are willing to forgive and forget to save the marriage, and it's what you both want to do, then do just that, forgive and forget. Also, tell her, respectfully, that you want her to stop calling that guy. No more contact. It is disrespectful of her to continue to be doing so.

Good luck, and best wishes. I hope you can find your happiness.

[willtryanything]

I am really glad you posted this. I can't give you any advice but I can tell you this, I think I understand how your wife feels. I have been in a similar situation lately. I talked to my husband about it and he is trying very hard to do better but my feelings have already changed for him. I turned to another man for the emotional support I should have been getting from my husband and it only made things worse. At first it was better but then I started thinking maybe I would be happier with him. I had to put that out of my head ecause I love my husband. I know that for me to feel the same for my husband, it will take a while and I will have to be sure he isn't going to go back to his old ways. Reading your post made me see his point of view though and I will try to be more understanding of what he is thinking. Good luck, I hope everything goes well, you sound like a nice man and you deserve to be happy. Just because you messed up, doesn't mean you should have to spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.

[Sweetpup]

Hi all,

Thanks for all your advice. We are talking alot more about things. She has stopped talking to this guy except for a hello at work. My wife thinks its great how I have changed. I now clean the house,do the dishes,we make dinner together. I'm buying flowers, leaving notes & text messaging her from work. We still have a problem with that she says I am giving to much and going to fast. My oldest daughter (15) says she likes the change also but can't stand how we are kissing & hugging when we are together. My wife agrees with her that it's to much and work on it slowly. They say it's like having nothing and then getting to much.I explained things that that is how I feel inside. Now it seems they want me to tone down my feelings and actions. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I love my wife deeply and we both are commited to work this out but sometimes I feel I'm not doing enough.

Also how do I approch my wife about sex. She said she has lost her sex drive. My wife is very sexy and is hard to keep my hands off her, but I don't want to push the subject. I have tried talking about it but she tells me it will come in time. It has been 2 and half months without sex and it's killing me. I really enjoy pleasing her and she feels the same but very hard to get her in the mood. I would like to get our sexual relationship back and have it more often but I don't want to keep bring up the subject. Seems like she has no desire to have sex. Any help on how to go about this or to help her enjoy sex again? Thanks again for all your advice.

[Sweetpup]

I think my change of a complete turnaround was too much for them to take in. My wife assured me that she is not out looking for an affair but committed to fixing our marriage. I know I am part of the problem and need a better relationship with my daughter. I don't want to demand sex for 2 reasons.

1) I don't want to push the subject.

2) It wouldn't be enjoyable for either one of us.

I want my wife to get her sex drive back so it is good for both of us. Just looking for help to get it started.

Thanks all

[Sweetpup]

I think my change of a complete turnaround was too much for them to take in. My wife assured me that she is not out looking for an affair but committed to fixing our marriage. I know I am part of the problem and need a better relationship with my daughter. I don't want to demand sex for 2 reasons.

1) I don't want to push the subject.

2) It wouldn't be enjoyable for either one of us.

I want my wife to get her sex drive back so it is good for both of us. Just looking for help to get it started.

Thanks all

[Tyger]

There also could be some other things wrong with her.

She may be going thru The Change, if she is around your age, it's possible. Some women loose their sex drive due to the hormonal fluxes and drops. She may want to see her GYN about this. Just like with men and their need for Viagra, there is a similar thing for women too.

As far as them telling you to tone it down a bit, well, that can be understandable that they are having difficulties taking it all in. You know like when you get dehydrated, and get to water, how you want to drink every last drop? But know you shouldn't cuz it will make you sick? Same with food. Could be the same thing.

Plus, both ladies are use to a certain behavior from you, and you're throwing off their "groove".

By no means am I saying it's a bad thing. But if you appear/act too clingy and/or desperate for their love and affection, then it could backfire.

I would take serious consideration into Howard's suggestion of a PROFESSIONAL Marriage Counselor. They trained in all of this, and should be able to offer nuetral suggestions on how to fix things. But it won't be an easy or fast fix.

My personal advise would be slow down, give it lots of time, patience and consistency. That way they don't feel pressured or worried that this behavior will disappear, and thing go back to how they were.

[willtryanything]

I think my change of a complete turnaround was too much for them to take in. My wife assured me that she is not out looking for an affair but committed to fixing our marriage. I know I am part of the problem and need a better relationship with my daughter. I don't want to demand sex for 2 reasons.

1) I don't want to push the subject.

2) It wouldn't be enjoyable for either one of us.

I want my wife to get her sex drive back so it is good for both of us. Just looking for help to get it started.

Thanks all

Good job on doing so much better! I know while I was sick of my husband, I didn't want to have sex with him unless it was an all out pornfest. When I'm in that mode, my mind is on one thing and it isn't love. I see that your wife isn't like this though. I see that isn't your wife's problem though. I know I was not interested in sex AT ALL when I was severely depressed. She definitely needs to see her doctor though. Just remember that it isn't your fault. Try not to let yourself feel bad about it. It will just take some time.

[DaniLovell]

I guess i don't really have much by the way of advice, just a tidbit of my own situation. I loved my husband to distraction for 10 years. And in that ten years, I was never the only woman in his life. Oh, I was the only one he had sex with, but he refused to communicate with me.

Instead, he had girls and women that he knew from college and high school and chatrooms that he would email and talk with. They heard about his dreams and goals and got his dry wit and intelligent banter. I did not. I found evidence repeatedly and died a little more every time. We "started over" but didn't in reality. It was the same patterns, the same crap.

He refused to attend counseling and I finally got numb all over. I still had sex with him, but never orgasmed. He would get his part over with, and i would finish my climax when he fell asleep. Terrible, terrible situation. And then, just when i thought i would turn over and try to regain the feeling again....i found the last straw.

When we were dating, he would write to me little poems and prose. It may sound corny, but he was so gifted with the written word. I love them. The last straw came when I found an email of a beautiful poem, just heartwrenching. It was not sent to me. It was sent to another woman. The last spark died right there. Completely. So I understand your position, but i can at the same time feel for your wife. Communication is like water to a flower. With it, you will have a beautiful garden. Without it, the flower dies. And sometimes, even the most expert gardener can't bring a flower back.

[Sweetpup]

Hi all,

It's been a while so an update. Things were looking better at least I thought so and was told we're doing better untill yesterday. I'm still doing the cleaning, some cooking. This has become a habit now. Sometimes my wife feels like I'm taking over but I explain to her that it's so we can spend more time togeather and not worry about work. I'm still texting her, making a point to call every morning wishing her a good day and that I love her. I bring her occasonl flowers when the others die. I leave her notes in the car, complimenting her all the time. I'm not as clingy anymore but I do hold her and kiss her softly. We snuggle more but it only lasts for a day. Our date nights or time alone is always interrupped with the kids plans. My wife tells me she wants them to have fun and someone has to go on the back burner. My wife has been quieter lately and doesn't talk much. I ask her whats on her mind and she tells me nothings on her mind. I hate being a pest because it doesn't help the situation. Well yesterday after talking alittle bit about our feelings and where we're headed she tells me that her feelings have not changed that much. She told me they have gone up alittle. My wife told me she doesn't know if she is still in love with me. That was a big heart breaker after all I have been trying and still am. My wife doesn't want to see a counsler because she is afraid of finding out her true feelings. I am very afraid too because I love her so deeply and don't want to be with anyone else and she knows this. I ask her if there is anything I can do for her to help her but there isn't. I feel so helpless and can't help feeling depressed. I know she sees that I'm not happy but doesn't try to do anything to change it whether it be a hug or anything to say everythings alright. I try to be happy but it is very difficult. My wife said all she wants is us to be happy but I don't know if that means being togeather and being happy as a couple or being happy without each other. My wife has the kids to keep her company and busy but I don't have much because my family isn't that close. I hate thinking of the worst after 23 years of marriage but I'm losing hope after she told me all this. I'm lost at what to do now.

[Sweetpup]

Hi all,

It's been a while so an update. Things were looking better at least I thought so and was told we're doing better untill yesterday. I'm still doing the cleaning, some cooking. This has become a habit now. Sometimes my wife feels like I'm taking over but I explain to her that it's so we can spend more time togeather and not worry about work. I'm still texting her, making a point to call every morning wishing her a good day and that I love her. I bring her occasonl flowers when the others die. I leave her notes in the car, complimenting her all the time. I'm not as clingy anymore but I do hold her and kiss her softly. We snuggle more but it only lasts for a day. Our date nights or time alone is always interrupped with the kids plans. My wife tells me she wants them to have fun and someone has to go on the back burner. My wife has been quieter lately and doesn't talk much. I ask her whats on her mind and she tells me nothings on her mind. I hate being a pest because it doesn't help the situation. Well yesterday after talking alittle bit about our feelings and where we're headed she tells me that her feelings have not changed that much. She told me they have gone up alittle. My wife told me she doesn't know if she is still in love with me. That was a big heart breaker after all I have been trying and still am. My wife doesn't want to see a counsler because she is afraid of finding out her true feelings. I am very afraid too because I love her so deeply and don't want to be with anyone else and she knows this. I ask her if there is anything I can do for her to help her but there isn't. I feel so helpless and can't help feeling depressed. I know she sees that I'm not happy but doesn't try to do anything to change it whether it be a hug or anything to say everythings alright. I try to be happy but it is very difficult. My wife said all she wants is us to be happy but I don't know if that means being togeather and being happy as a couple or being happy without each other. My wife has the kids to keep her company and busy but I don't have much because my family isn't that close. I hate thinking of the worst after 23 years of marriage but I'm losing hope after she told me all this. I'm lost at what to do now.