Hairy Man

[ren]

Hi

I'm new here. I happened upon this site and what a find! So many well thought out answers...

Well, my dilemma. I am with a new guy that I really like. I put off having sex with him, so I would get to know him first. Now I am getting more intimate and have found that he has a lot of body hair and hair on his back. He is a wonderful lover, but I can't seem to get over the hair issue. He is more of a natural type, but is very clean. He doesn't seem to want to be bothered by doing a lot of extras to himself. He has a beard, cause he doesn't want to have to shave everyday, if that puts this in more perspective.

The problem is that I really don't enjoy hairy men. I can deal with hair on the chest, legs and forearms, but upper arms and back hair seem to turn me off when I see the person w/o clothes on and in touching. I feel like I am really in a fix over this, as I don't think he would ever consider shaving or waxing and I am very attracted to him otherwise. I would like to bring it up, but I don't know what to say back to him when he tells me he won't shave. I'm sure shaving or even trimming the genital area would be out of the question, too. Maybe I'll just have to grin and bear it.

Any comments on how some of you might handle this situation?

[Mikayla1]

Hey, I am WITH you on the hairy man thing! My hubby is almost completly devoid of body hair, due to preference and plain genetics. I had a boyfriend once who had back hair, and every time we had sex I felt like I was sleeping with BIGFOOT! He did, however, have a penis worthy of Bigfoot so I let it slide for a while, until I couldn't handle it anymore.

I agree with Howard, be candid about it, but be prepared for him to be offended. No one likes to hear that there is something about us that offends our lover. I am reminded of Sex and THe City when Charlotte was dating the bald guy - and they went to a pool party. She made him shave his back because he was hairy. he did it, because he loved her.

So, moral....if he cares about you he will shave for you.....

Good luck!

Mikayla

[nosleepnmesa]

I completely understand, my husband that I have been with for many years, use to be extremely hairy I think he was worse then bigfoot I loved him though and it took me awhile to talk him into shaving, he would leave hair in the top on the shower walls and god when we had sex I was left at times looking like bigfoot. I talked with him numerous times about it, one day he came to me and said ,"Hun I think your right I am tired of cleaning up all this hair, and we went and he got his back waxed. He still has hair but nothing like he was.

Becareful how you talk to him, I know I started talking to my husband about it kinda with little jokes that really weren't jokes here and there. It took alot of time but he worked and he reliazed how much I enjoyed him more without all the hair.

Good Luck!

[ren]

Hey, I am WITH you on the hairy man thing! My hubby is almost completly devoid of body hair, due to preference and plain genetics. I had a boyfriend once who had back hair, and every time we had sex I felt like I was sleeping with BIGFOOT! He did, however, have a penis worthy of Bigfoot so I let it slide for a while, until I couldn't handle it anymore.

I agree with Howard, be candid about it, but be prepared for him to be offended. No one likes to hear that there is something about us that offends our lover. I am reminded of Sex and THe City when Charlotte was dating the bald guy - and they went to a pool party. She made him shave his back because he was hairy. he did it, because he loved her.

So, moral....if he cares about you he will shave for you.....

Good luck!

Mikayla

[ren]

Hey, I am WITH you on the hairy man thing! My hubby is almost completly devoid of body hair, due to preference and plain genetics. I had a boyfriend once who had back hair, and every time we had sex I felt like I was sleeping with BIGFOOT! He did, however, have a penis worthy of Bigfoot so I let it slide for a while, until I couldn't handle it anymore.

I agree with Howard, be candid about it, but be prepared for him to be offended. No one likes to hear that there is something about us that offends our lover. I am reminded of Sex and THe City when Charlotte was dating the bald guy - and they went to a pool party. She made him shave his back because he was hairy. he did it, because he loved her.

So, moral....if he cares about you he will shave for you.....

Good luck!

Mikayla

Mikayla,

I didn't see that episode. Do you remember what Charlotte said to him to get him to shave? I may want to rent that episode.

I'm debating with myself on whether I am being superficial, even considering leaving him because of this, but I have recently come out of another relationship mainly because he would do very little to please me regarding his looks,etc. - very little compromising on a lot of things. Now I'm thinking, here I go again!! I'm nervous about bringing it up, because if he says no, I will also wonder how many other things he will say no to down the line. Maybe I am just making too big a thing about this. I don't know.

[Mikayla1]

Well, from what I remember Charlotte didn't have to say much to him, she just "suggested" he do it, and because he was so "lucky" to be with her, he did it. It was sort of a lesson of, "we are both lucky to be together" and that just because he was short, bald, Jewish and hairy he was still worthy.

So, I understand why you would think that you are being unreasonable. However, we all have those things that just make us shudder. Is it THAT bad for you, or is it just a little disheartening? Listen, I think that your guy probably knows that his back is hairy, and I will bet that he already knows that most women don't dig it - so why not just be honest. Tell him that you really like him - but the hairy back sort of gets to you. Tell him by no means do you want to hurt his feelings, but perhaps he would consider shaving it. Offer to shave your pussy as a reward - in sort of a joking manner - but then tell him you would.

If he gets offended that you are being honest then he is not a man worth having. If he doesn't want to do it - fine - it is his back, but I truly believe that people who care about each other give and take. So, see how he reacts, it might tell you a lot about him!

Mikayla

[ren]

I still think you have to talk to him. No, I don't think you are being petty, or demanding. My second wife wanted to see what it was like for me to have a full beard. I spent a week in the woods one Fall, where shaving was next to impossible. When I called her to tell her I was out of the woods, alive, and on the way home from N. Jersey, she asked me to leave the beard on until after I got home. I did, against my own wishes, as it had been driving me crazy for several days. After I met her at home, kissed her, let her feel it and rub her face against it, I told her I was going home and it was getting shaved off!

That is your problem in reverse, I think. I was glad she asked, but I am also glad that she acquiesced in the fact that wearing a beard just was not me! We had 3 men in my dorm in college who were covered in long hair, and left it all over the walls and floors and drains in the showers. It used to annoy everyone that they did not pick up or wipe up after themselves, and they were called on it several times. I am talking full guerilla suits now, from shoulder to ankle. All three men were short, dark, and stocky built. They finally got the message to clean up after themselves when they took a shower, and that kept them alive and unharmed.

If he is that hairy, he has been so all his adolescent and adult life. Surely he has heard from other men complaining about his hair. I would think he would be in the frame of mind to accept any kind offer to help him shave the spots he can't reach, like his back and shoulders, his butt, and crotch, from you. I really don't think he will be offended by your request, particularly if you offer to help him shave. His kind of guy is the kind that have a " 5 o'clock " shadow at 10 A.M., because his beard is so heavy and dark. If you can tolerate the beard, let that be the compromise. I remember these three guys shaving twice a day, and still have other guys say, as they went out for a date, " Say, aren't you going to shave before you go out?" They all knew what Richard Nixon suffered with during the 1960 Presidential campaign, and how unfair it was that he was described in negative terms simply because of his appearance on TV. In his 1968 campaign, he had his own make-up experts with him for all public appearances so he always looked like he had shaved recently, When HE HAD SHAVED RECENTLY! He was not going to be caught by the press again on that issue.

So, trust me a little on this issue. Your BF knows about people's reaction to all his hair. Unless he makes a lot of money, he can't afford to have it removed by electrolysis, and the chemical hair removers only do a temporary job for most of these guys. Unless he can find someone who will take the time to shave him, he really can't do anything about his problem. Be that nice volunteer, and I bet he will love you more for it.

Howard

[CGEM]

Hi U&O,

We men are very simple (and sometimes hairy) animals. We live on compliments from our women. So, instead of telling him how much you dislike his body hair, I suggest that you focus on pointing out to him how GREAT it would be if he shaved. How you would love to touch and fondle his shaved parts, what you would then like to do to him and how you would want to make him feel.

I bet that he really wants to make you happy. Make him aware of how thankful you would be.

Regards

[ren]

Hi U&O,

We men are very simple (and sometimes hairy) animals. We live on compliments from our women. So, instead of telling him how much you dislike his body hair, I suggest that you focus on pointing out to him how GREAT it would be if he shaved. How you would love to touch and fondle his shaved parts, what you would then like to do to him and how you would want to make him feel.

I bet that he really wants to make you happy. Make him aware of how thankful you would be.

Regards

[ren]

Hi U&O,

We men are very simple (and sometimes hairy) animals. We live on compliments from our women. So, instead of telling him how much you dislike his body hair, I suggest that you focus on pointing out to him how GREAT it would be if he shaved. How you would love to touch and fondle his shaved parts, what you would then like to do to him and how you would want to make him feel.

I bet that he really wants to make you happy. Make him aware of how thankful you would be.

Regards

That is a great suggestion. Thanks...

[MysticLady]

I like men hairless, but if they have a little bit of hair then its no problem.

Liesl

[ren]

Regarding shaving, I have used an epilator for years and love it. It is getting old and isn't pulling the hairs out as well anymore. Can anyone who likes epilators recommend one that pulls the hairs out very close? Some say that epilators are painful, but I find it much more tolerable than waxing and I then don't have to shave for a few weeks. I haven't tried it on my genitals. Has anyone here done that? Any problems with doing it on the genital area? Now that is for me.

I really don't like shaving, as the hair grows in too quick and then it is rough. Has anyone tried using an epilator on their man's back, etc? Anything else you may recommend other than shaving the genitals (I am also worried about cuts)? I think waxing and using an epilator would be way to painful for my guy on the genital area.

Thanks in advance.

[trina2008]

Well my hubby shaves his pubic area and I love it. It does grow back a little faster but with it becoming a habit the ingrown hairs and irritation is at a minimal. Besides I really love to play with his balls and this is the perfect way to really suck on them because I don't get distracted by hair. Oh and he also says it feels more intense.

Katrina

[Janaen]

Regarding shaving, I have used an epilator for years and love it. It is getting old and isn't pulling the hairs out as well anymore. Can anyone who likes epilators recommend one that pulls the hairs out very close? Some say that epilators are painful, but I find it much more tolerable than waxing and I then don't have to shave for a few weeks. I haven't tried it on my genitals. Has anyone here done that? Any problems with doing it on the genital area? Now that is for me.

I really don't like shaving, as the hair grows in too quick and then it is rough. Has anyone tried using an epilator on their man's back, etc? Anything else you may recommend other than shaving the genitals (I am also worried about cuts)? I think waxing and using an epilator would be way to painful for my guy on the genital area.

Thanks in advance.

First off, they sell epilators at linen's & things (i can't think of the brand off the top of my head) but they all work like a charm. as far as using them on your genital area...if you can handle the pain of waxing then go for it. just make sure you stay about an inch to half inch away from anything you dont want caught in the epilator.

next, i wouldn't recommend using an epilator on a man unless you know he can handle it. i tried it on my last boyfriend and he cried like a little girl. my friend also tried it on her husband and he wimpered as well. men dont seem to have the tolerance for things like that because they dont go to the great lengths we do to keep everything clean and trimmed on a regular basis.

[ren]

HI

Well, I'm no longer with the hairy man. To make a long story short, he wouldn't agree to any shaving. Alright, fine, but when we had sex, he kept hitting my cervix hard with a new position and it was very uncomfortable (almost painful). I didn't stop him, as he was coming. Afterward, I told him gently that that was a little too much for me, et al. He then became kind of distant; not touching me much. He never called me again, not even to say goodbye. Good riddance!! I've only seen him for a month (thought he was a wonderful person) and only had sex with him a few times, but it was really the touching I liked with him. He had a great touch. I didn't touch him as much, cause of all the hair. I really tried getting past that, though. I know other women who like it. Guess it's a personal perference.

Boy, I can say episodes like that can really turn someone off to sex. I feel for someone who experience intercourse situations like this on a regular basis, and possibly wonder what is wrong with them -why others enjoy sex and they don't. Anyway, I guess in my case, a longer penis is not better!! Well, back to masturbating till I meet someone else. Who knows what the next will be like or when!! I never thought at my age, I would be going through stuff like this!!! Dating and sex can be fun, but also really frustrating.

[Tyger]

I'm sorry that he took your suggestion badly. You were nicer than I would be. If something hurts, I stop it, whether my hubby is ready to cum or not. Sorry, but sex is suppose to be fun, not painful (unless you're into that).

A good lover is willing to hear suggestions, as well as make them. Not pound away to their heart's content, and to hell with what their partner wants. So, you lucked out that he's since disappeared. You deserve better, and now you can find it.

[ren]

I'm sorry that he took your suggestion badly. You were nicer than I would be. If something hurts, I stop it, whether my hubby is ready to cum or not. Sorry, but sex is suppose to be fun, not painful (unless you're into that).

A good lover is willing to hear suggestions, as well as make them. Not pound away to their heart's content, and to hell with what their partner wants. So, you lucked out that he's since disappeared. You deserve better, and now you can find it.

I didn't say anything while having sex, cause I was wanting to see what he was really like. Well, I found out. I was quite disappointed. You're right. There are better!! And I've had better, so I know. I have just found it hard to find someone I'm compatible with mentality et al and also physically. This is now 2 people in the last 3 month that I liked mentality - had lots in common, but lacked in the physcial (chemistry)dept. Before that I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 yrs. with someone I was totally taken with in the physical dept, but we were total opposites out of bed, so finally ended it over too many conflicts. Before that a divorce from an 18 yr marriage, which we were compatible in both areas, but other issues. This is all very strange. Kind of surreal at times!!

[ren]

Up and Out: Great lovers are made, not born. You have found out the sad reality about men and that is most of them didn't pay much attention when they were young about learning to pleasure a woman. They didn't aspire to be great lovers, so they didn't ask questions. The women in their lives expected less, so no complaints were given, and the men never learn much of anything about how to pleasure a woman.

Its never too late to go to school, particularly when it comes to sex. With the next guy, put the focus on talking about what each likes, long before you get the clothes off. And let him know that you expect him to teach and train you to pleasure him, and you expect to teach and train him to pleasure you. And, being a good teacher, if he does it wrong, he's just going to have to do it again! Let him suffer.

But , make him the lover you want and need.

That's good advice. Both partners need to be willing to do this. If one isn't, it won't work. There's a lot that needs to come together for a relationship to work out well. Should be interesting!!

[CGEM]

Oh my. Sounds like he had other issues. Maybe his ability to take feedback was one of them. I've never understood what could be so negative about a lovely woman telling me how I could make her scream even more...

Strange. Truly strange.

[ren]

Hi all,

Well, I met a new man. Strangely enough, he also has a lot of body hair. Maybe even more than the last one. I didn't know at first, cause he was wearing a sweater. I do now, as he wore a tank top. I haven't seen him nude yet, and feel like I want to ask him if he has back hair, etc. before I get to know him more and run into a problem with him. But, I think it may be too rude to bring it up. I've only gone out with him a few times. But, I don't want to feel like I have to hide my thoughts if I end up in bed with him, before saying something, for concern of him being offended - I'm assuming he would be. So, what's the concensus. Should I say something before I get more involved with him or wait till I get to know him more - maybe even after seeing him nude and getting more intimate. I just don't want to waste my time, but don't want him to think I'm being too personal, too soon.

[elise]

Wait, and let him broach the idea that you two become lovers. Then have a sit down talk with him, and tell him. Offer to help him shave, and see how he reacts. If he is not willing to shed the hair, you can move on. He will understand.

HOward

Well, I guess I differ on this one.

People come in all shapes and sizes. Men can really vary in hairiness. And no, I'm not particularly fond of hairy men, and quite don't like back hair... but I wouldn't dream of making it a dealbreaker early in a relationship. I realize this is easy for me to say, married to one (hairy) man for more than 2 decades, but I have thought about this quite honestly for a few days before replying.

Before you go to bed with someone for the first time, a lot of things should already be "right". You should know how he kisses, how good he is with his hands, his caresses, and so on. You will probably know and like his sense of humor, his manners, and so on. A thousand little things are going to be "right" before you go ahead and sleep with him. When you first see and touch his naked body, there will be a thousand new things you'll have to decide about being "right" or not. You can't really ask about those things in advance, in my experience. I do not care for small penises, as it happens. Would I ever ask a man about the size of his penis before going to bed, and if he tells me "6 inches", say "Thanks but no thanks" and walk away from the table? I think not. In my earlier (pre-marriage) life, I slept with lesser-endowed men and had a wonderful time because their other attributes as lovers made up for their shortcomings in the other places.

Women aren't the only ones who have to make adjustments to lovers. I see so many young women today wearing padded bras. What do these girls think will be going on in the minds of a man who thinks he's getting a 36C that turns out to be a 32A? I would have no respect nor use for a man who wanted to know the size and shape of my breasts before he would consider sleeping with me. These things are superficial. If you get too hung up on superficialities, it does not bode well for your relationship, in my opinion.

Now, the specifics of back hair. Some men have a lot of it. I don't like the feel of it, but my husband was so right in so many other respects I didn't really care about his back hair until it started to get really long and thick. By the time I had decided it was an issue, we had a rock-solid relationship and getting rid of the back hair was no big deal. He goes to a local salon where they do "body sugaring", which is a much less painful method than waxing. One treatment lasts him a month, and I get to put my hands on a nice smooth back.

[elise]

Howard, of course I respect your views on this too. Perhaps I wasn't clear.

Of course one doesn't wait until 'the wedding night' to start discussing sexual preferences. If one is inclined to wait until vows have been exchanged before climbing into bed, well then, much more detailed and frank discussions of likes, dislikes, and absolute turn-offs will have to be engaged in. However, that is far from the norm in our society. Most couples have sex before they commit to marriage. In the context of Up And Out's initial posting, which is the context I chose to reply to/in, we are discussing how (or in my view, if) a woman should ask a man with whom she is very newly sexually acquainted to change something about his personal appearance that she finds a turn-off.

My view is simply this: asking someone to change something very personal about themselves is not something to be undertaken lightly. One of my girlfriends was mortified when a new lover asked her if he'd let him pay for a breast-lift, and she stopped seeing him. Yet she admitted she really would like to have a breast-lift after nursing three children, but she felt this man's focus was on her sagging breasts, not her. How different it might have been if he had showed her he loved her breasts as they were first, the way you showed your appreciation for your wife's birthmark!

Similarly, I can see someone being asked to dye their hair (happened to me... the guy wanted me to go blonde after 2 dates!), or to stop wearing certain types of clothing, etc, etc, early in a relationship as a very risky thing, a potential deal-breaker. Asking a man to shave his body in such an early stage in a relationship is something I would consider equally inappropriate. This is something that he has to learned to live with about himself, that he has come to some kind of terms of acceptance with. If you want him to change his appearance for you in such a matter, you have to earn his trust first. Otherwise he may form the impression that all she cares about is his hairiness, not he as a man. This is all I'm saying.

And truthfully, I know women who would rather have a hairy man than a hairless one, even if it comes at the 'price' of a hairy back. Who knows what will happen if you allow yourself to be free with your lover, even if s/he has attributes you initially find less than attractive?

As for body sugaring, I merely mention it as an alternative. Shaving works (we've done it, yes), as does waxing, but even here in 'fly-over' country body sugaring can be found if you make a few phone calls.