Desperately Need Help! Relationship Is Crumbling Under Sex Problem!

[whatshouldIDO?]

I really need some advice. I'm currently with the girl I thought was my true love. The problem is, we've had problems getting on the same page as far as sex is concerned and it's ruined our relationship. We were friends for years, and finally I told her that I had feelings for her and she said she shared those feelings. I was in heaven. We lived on different sides of the country, (Ny & LA) and so we carried on a long distance relationship for a couple of years. Things were great until our relationship turned physical. Now, my girlfriend is a very beautiful, sexy woman, and our early make-out sessions were very sensual. But as soon as things moved from PG to PG-13, the energy changed and things got very uncomfortable. I'm a very sexual, passionate person, so It was very dissappointing to have things cool off so quickly. We talked about it and she said it was just the long-distance thing, and that she had to get used to "being around me". I understood and tried my best to be gentle and give her time. Eventually she allowed me to please her, through masturbation and sometimes oral. She didn't feel comfortable pleasing me though, and when I asked, no matter how gently, she would get wildly upset. She cried a lot, and became cold and removed for days. Now, at the time this was obviously very concerning to me. I felt that she wasn't attracted to me, and maybe didn't love me, or at least not in a sexual way. Whenever I asked her about it, or told her how I felt, she assured me that she did have feelings for me, but sex was just really hard for her because she felt a lot of pressure, and anxiety. To complicate matters, every time she got upset during some kind of sex (most of the time) she'd beat herself up for it, and it would cause more anxiety.

About two years ago, I moved to LA. I thought are problems could be solved if I was living with her and could give her the proper support she need in order to open up. When I got to LA, things actually got worse. She felt more pressure to perform, and it crippled her. I was beside myself. I knew I loved her, but I was dying from rejection, hurt, and loneliness. And the lust that I had to suppress was building like a volcano inside me. I tried every approach to help her relax and open-up. I was kind and patient; I was firm and strong; I asked questions; I tried to show her what I liked. Some things got better, but our sex was still infrequent, and riddled with anxiety. Finally I made an appointment with a couples therapist. We did the whole deal. Couples therapy was fine. We definitely communicated better... but the sex was still very troubled. No matter what I did to try and remove the pressure and anxiety from our sex life, my girlfriend still couldn't relax. I started seeing my own therapist in order to make sure it wasn't my stuff that was polluting the relationship. I gently tried to get my girlfriend to see a therapist, but she refused, and was mad at me for implying that there was something "wrong" with her. We tried Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue", which again, helped in some ways, but never really changed the vibe of our sex life.

We've been together now for a little over 3 yrs, and last night we tried to have sex, which was interrupted by my girlfriend getting really upset and not being able to finish because she felt like she was "screwing everything up again". It lead to a familiar discussion about our sex life, and why we can't seem to get beyond this one block, and after I told her how I felt that I'd reached a point where no matter how much I loved her (which I still do) and no matter how hard we tried to make it work, I felt like we weren't going to get out from under this problem. It was painful to have to admit it, but I had lost faith. So, we're considering breaking up.

I love her and I love being around her, but our sex life has been so difficult and unsatisfying for so long, that the passionate feelings I once had for her are deeply buried. I no longer want to have sex with her, because it's so uncomfortable, and tense. I'm the type of guy who would gladly have sex twice a day, so the overstock of lust I've built up has taken on a life of its own. I fantasize about women I meet or see in the street constantly. I feel sexually unfulfilled all of the time. I feel completely lost. I love my girlfriend and I don't blame her for being uncomfortable with sex, but I don't think I can go on.

Please help.

WhatshouldIDO?

[Mikayla1]

OK, first WELCOME!

You will most likely get many answers here, and hopefully someone will be able to help you. I sense your lover for this girl, I sense your frustration, I also sense that you may be more invested in the relationship than she is. I say this because, you have had this relationship for 3 years, you have tried to make things easy for her, but since the beginning she has been resistant to intimacy. Sex is EXTREMELY intimate for women, so if she didn't feel comfortable then, and she still doesn't now - there are deeper issues than just sex. I think she may have gotten into this relationship with you BECAUSE it was long distance. She may have felt better about it because the pressure to have regular sex was minimal.

I think that someone hurt this girl. She has intimacy issues, sex issues and feels like she has been the one to screw things up. I am NOT suggesting to leave this girl, but I am suggesting that her issues may be wayyyyyy worse than anything you can fix on your own. Sex is a natural, healthy and expected part of a relationship - so if she is not willing to participate in this, then you might have to think outside the box.

Answer me this, has she reciprocated the oral sex yet? Did she grow up in a very religious environment? Does she ever mention having been abused? Does she have past boyfriends that you know about? Does she say she "loves" you? Does she ever initiate sex?

Answer some of these questions and I may be able to help out some more. Do not give up - we will try to find an answer for you!

[whatshouldIDO?]

OK, first WELCOME!

You will most likely get many answers here, and hopefully someone will be able to help you. I sense your lover for this girl, I sense your frustration, I also sense that you may be more invested in the relationship than she is. I say this because, you have had this relationship for 3 years, you have tried to make things easy for her, but since the beginning she has been resistant to intimacy. Sex is EXTREMELY intimate for women, so if she didn't feel comfortable then, and she still doesn't now - there are deeper issues than just sex. I think she may have gotten into this relationship with you BECAUSE it was long distance. She may have felt better about it because the pressure to have regular sex was minimal.

I think that someone hurt this girl. She has intimacy issues, sex issues and feels like she has been the one to screw things up. I am NOT suggesting to leave this girl, but I am suggesting that her issues may be wayyyyyy worse than anything you can fix on your own. Sex is a natural, healthy and expected part of a relationship - so if she is not willing to participate in this, then you might have to think outside the box.

Answer me this, has she reciprocated the oral sex yet? Did she grow up in a very religious environment? Does she ever mention having been abused? Does she have past boyfriends that you know about? Does she say she "loves" you? Does she ever initiate sex?

Answer some of these questions and I may be able to help out some more. Do not give up - we will try to find an answer for you!

Thanks so much Mikayla,

When we started having intimacy problems it raised a lot of questions for me. The questions you ask about her being hurt, and possibly abused I thought of often. I asked her gently about it and she said that no one had ever hurt her, and she was positive she had not been abused. When we went to couples therapy the counselor asked the same questions and she again said that she'd never been touched inappropriately and that she'd never been hurt by a boyfriend. She just felt a lot of anxiety and fear regarding sex. Whenever the therapist would ask her why, she would say that she didn't know, and start crying. She also has the kind of personality where she can take things in a way that only make things worse. Meaning that, me and the therapist asking if she'd been abused made her feel like, "there must be something really wrong with me if they think I've been abused!". Which would just make her more nervous, anxious and pressured to perform. She did grow up Catholic, and we've talked about it, personally and in couples therapy, and though she wasn't in a enthusiastically sex-positive household, her parents never made her feel shame about it, and were open enough to talk about sex, watch "The Miracle of Life" etc. Also, her parents seem to have a good relationship, and are affectionate with each other. It all leaves me baffled.

As far as the oral sex, and sex in general, she did eventually reciprocate, and sometimes it was nice, but mostly it was really uncomfortable, and if I tried to show her what I liked, she would break-down and spiral off into insecurity. We have regular intercourse, maybe once or twice a week if things are going well, but it usually seems forced, and I get the sense that although she enjoys the closeness, and the fact that she feels like she's being a good girlfriend (which she's very insecure about) she doesn't actually enjoy the physical intercourse, and it seems uncomfortable and like she's just trying to make it through. This, of course, is a huge turn-off to me, and I usually just have to force myself to do it. The only intimacy she really seems to enjoy is when I masturbate her. If I touch her very (very) lightly and she can go off to a far away place, she has an orgasm and seems to really enjoy it. I like to please her, so I don't mind doing it, but if ever I try to coax her from that far away place, to the place where we are together, it ruins it for her, and her body shuts down. That's what happens a lot when we have sex. I'll turn her on by gently touching her for a long time, but as soon as I penetrate her, it seems to bring her back to reality and she gets uncomfortable, and sometimes panicky. Which doesn't make for an enjoyable experience.

She says she loves me often, and I know she does. She's very invested in the relationship, wants to get married, wants to spend our lives together. She just can't seem to get out from under the sexual anxiety. I feel like I've done everything I can to show her I love her, make her feel safe, and help her let go. I love her very much, but have a lot of doubts about our relationship. I'm very sexual, and have a large sexual appetite. And the years of trying to make it work have really burnt me out. We're talking about going to a sex therapist, but I just don't know if I can take it any more. I don't even know if I can access, or have, the sexual feelings for her that sex therapy would require.

Thanks again,

WhatshouldIDO?

[JackieM3117]

So here's my suggestion: systematic desensitization. Basically what this entails is making a list of things related to sex from least anxiety producing to most anxiety producing. The first step could be something as basic as thinking about a sexual act. The last step would be having sexual intercourse. What you do is work on each step, never moving onto the next step, until she no longer feels anxiety regarding the current step. It might take several sessions before she is ready to moveon to the next step on her list. Talk about it with her, see if she's interested - it would require patience but it might help.

[Tyger]

Welcome to the forum, and you sure have a lot of issues with your GF!

I agree with Mikayla, in that you seem a bit more vested in this relationship that your GF is. And disagree with your GF. Someone has either hurt her (which she may not even remember), or she's lying about possible hurt/abuse. And, to me, she seems some what manipulative, if she starts crying when confronted with anything negative, or if someone is trying to help her. She avoids the issues, that only she knows about. I'm assuming she's about your age? If so, she still seems like she has a lot of growing up to do. She is holding herself back as a normal adult, and she's also holding you back as well.

Her refusal to try counselling with you is not a good sign. She needs to figure out what is wrong with her, since, you've obviously put so much time & effort to try and please her, and help her, to no avail. She can't heal if she won't face up to the problem. And only SHE can do that. Only SHE can truly WANT to do so. If she doesn't, then things will continue to be in this sexually frustrating circle.

True sexual satisfaction comes from both partners willing to share themselves completely, learn and teach sexually, and have fun!! It sounds like she doesn't even want sex!! And if she's frustrated cuz she can't orgasm, well, it IS really because she can't relax and see it as adult play! Sex should never ever be a chore.

I am not suggesting that you leave her either, but, to be fair to yourself, you need to ask yourself, how much more are you going to do? What more CAN you do? Are there things you haven't tried? You are really holding yourself back, and she isn't helping herself, so I guess what you really need to do, is figure out how much more the both of you are going to take. Some kind of action needs to be done. It depends on what KIND of action though. Think about what's best for YOU AND for HER.

Best wishes to the both of you.

[Mikayla1]

While I personally disagree with the insensitive way in which TOocan has given his opinion, I will say that he does have a point or two. IF your gf is gay, then that would definitely explain ALL of these odd behaviors. Especially having grown up Catholic, being a lesbian would NOT be acceptable. She may love you, but not be into you sexually.

Toocan also brings up the idea of her cheating - which could also be possible. If she is riddled with guilt, then it is most definitely possible that she is cheating. I think it is fair to think of all of these possibilities.

I also think that couseling won't help if she is not ready, willing or emotionally ready to participate in counseling. I do not share Toocan's opinon that you should find someone new - if you truly love this girl - but I do think that every relationship has its limit - and that you may be fastly approaching yours.

[Sin_Alas]

I can see where you're coming from, Toocan, and definitely there are people out there who are just in it to manipulate, but why would anyone be manipulative in a way that denied themselves pleasure? That I can't see unless they're really masochistic.

I have been and still am insecure about my sexual performance especially because I have only had two partners and one was a one-night stand. I sometimes get very tense and lose my interest in sex as well especially when I feel like I have to perform in order to be pleasing to my partner. It isn't because of anything horrible in my past, but I am a perfectionist in all parts of my life and that goes for the bedroom as well. I am overcoming it but it takes time and patience, and someone who can take my hand and put it where it needs to be sometimes, so that I learn and feel like I'm doing the right thing. If this girl has a similar issue (to a much greater degree) then patience might overcome it.

I'd try desensitization, since it's a lot easier for most people to wade into a new pool than cannonball in. If that doesn't work, maybe you need to rethink the relationship and whether you can spend your life with someone who can't fulfill you in one of the most basic ways. She might be better off as a lifelong friend than a lifelong partner.