Too Shy

[dnd]

my boyfriend is 4 years older than me but is a lot more shy than me when it comes to sex. how can i get him to relax more?

[lovestoplay]

my boyfriend is 4 years older than me but is a lot more shy than me when it comes to sex. how can i get him to relax more?

My fiance was the same way when we started going together. He wasn't very "experianced" and was so excited that he was having sex, that he didn't cum the first 5 times we had sex. There was one thing that we tried to get him to relax a little that was to wear a condom. One other thing that helped was that with time he started to get over that excitement of actually having sex and just stopped thinking about cumming. Hope this helps you a little but this is what worked for me

[whittibo]

I am glad you're finding answers now, my husband is 4 years older then me too and was a virgin when I met him, I wasn't.

We have been together now for almost 22 years and he is still shy about sex, uneasy about new things and easily freaked out. I am still trying to get him out of his shell. Albeit, there were 3+ years we didn't do ANYTHING except heavy petting with his clothes on, then a couple other years with clothes off but only accidental penetration (prior to marriage) and once we were married, sex wasn't all that great, so it happened less and less often till recently when I decided i didn't want to live in a loveless/passionless marriage anymore. But it's been 5 weeks and he's still very unsure of it all and we have actually gotten into some heated arguments lately about our sex life. I don't see any reason why we can't be intimate in some fashion nightly, but he's still thinking once a week is fine, hey, it's 4 times as much as he WAS getting.

I'll be following this thread closely and wish you luck, again, kudos for doing something about it now!

[Tyger]

What you and your BF need to come to learn is that SEX IS FUN!! Think of it as ADULT PLAYTIME!! It's not suppose to be work. Have fun. Laugh! Tickle, tease, keep it light! Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax!

He's shy. Make it a bit of fun. Take him to an adult toy store, and joke around at all of the different things. You could make it a bit more fun by actually buying something.

Get an adult DVD! I had one BF that was totally shy about sex. I got a cartoon adult movie, and we laughed our asses off!! And it loosened him up a bit, and we had some of the best sex we'd ever had, after watching that.

Keep it spontaneous as well as different. Lingerie, as well as costumes can be fun. Being the naughty teacher/student can be fun examples of role-play. Be creative, keep him guessing.

Good luck, have fun, stay safe!

[whittibo]

Ya know, one thing my husband told me about why he didn't know what to do is, he said his parents never touched, never had any affection for each other, just always put each other down all the time, which is what he does to me. I was raised in a home where we didn't put each other down, but were terrified of our father. He just had a temper. He did pick on me/us a bit, but nothing like my husbands family.

My husband will complain about everything, I was washing him down in the shower and he complained the water was too hot, the sponge thing was too scratchy, not enough room, he's cold when not under the water. So I stay out of the water and he complains about that. He teased me about how I parked his truck when I took the garbage for him as a surprise. He teased me and said I was "weird" when I put a surprise picture in his lunch of my bare breasts. He just really doesn't know how to act. I think it comes natural for women because we're nurturers by nature, we're made to nurture children, men really aren't (not all, but I say a majority) which makes me wonder if those men who ARE natural nurtures are better in the romantic setting too.

For me, it's hard to be a taker. I lick his whole body, massage his back, his feet, his legs, butt, just take time to look at him and tickle him (which he complains about too, but now I jump on top of him and tell him to stop complaining or I'll keep doing it) but when he finally does try to do those things to me, I can tell he isn't really interested in it, and I can't relax. For instance, the other night he was giving me a back rub because my back is so sore from packing and cleaning and such. While rubbing my back with ONE HAND, he was channel surfing with the other. I finally just resolved to not care, and did enjoy the massage. But it's hard not to notice he isn't giving me 100% of his attention, but again, I think that leads back to his parents, he doesn't know HOW to devote all his attention to me??

Knowing these things is making it a bit easier on me to understand him. He also told me he's "hyper", which in the 22 years I have known him, I would NEVER think he was hyper, but he says it's an internal hyper, like if he's laying down, or sitting watching TV, he is always thinking about what he has to do and he gets anxious, maybe that's why the channel surfing?? (but during SEX, channel surfing is NEVER OK, and I told him that this week that it's plain old offensive to channel surf while your wife is fucking you)...

This forum is wonderful, if I could change my user name and hide my old posts, I might make him log in and learn something..

Oh, and porn, uh... I know he would learn a thing or two, but just READING about sex is almost too much for him, he would never WATCH two people having sex, that's just immoral.

[whittibo]

Most men, when confronted with reality, can be retaught to be more expressive in their love. Trust me, some guy who wants to complain that his wife wants sex every night is going to find NO SYMPATHY from any of his male friends, and darn little from any women he knows, either! You are right, and he is wrong. This is one time there is just no compromising. Either he loves you,and lusts after you, or he doesn't. Then he has to explain why not.

Howard

HA... I thought about that, how his friends and family would wonder what in the hell was wrong with him NOT wanting sex every night, and how many of them would love their wifes to do what I want.

I told him almost exactly what you just said Howard, as my husband he is to lust after me and love me and want to be intimate with me and if he doesn't, then he needs to leave me because I deserve better then to not be loved. I think he finally realized that our intimacy is an important part of our marriage. I also told him I wouldn't go back to a loveless marriage, it's either this or nothing. I know he loves me more then anything, and feel bad because he had to suppress his desires for so long, but it was boring. His idea of foreplay was to put his hand on my shoulder and if I didn't "respond" he would roll over and be upset for a week. So I resorted to staying on my computer till I knew he would be asleep and get up before he woke up. Pretty pathetic and sad, and I won't have that anymore.

[KentJ]

Whittibo,

Wow! It is interesting to read about your situation, as there are similarities to mine with my wife in that sex appears to be relegated to a lower priority. I like you intellectually can understand it, but emotionally and physically find it very difficult to accept.

In one breath, I think it would be great for my wife to spend a couple of hours reading through the forum to see that there are many people who really do understand that sex is adult play time, especially for married couples. But then I also know that her response - as it always is - is that "guys always think about sex". Funny thing is that before we were married, I told her that sex was important to me, and that it always would be. We had this discussion, because we began to hear from friends who were married for 5 years or more that they only had sex once or twice a month!

Well, here we are 14 years later. I still lust after my wife. I love the look, feel and smell of her. I am a very generous and giving lover, and she readily admits that. But our sex life is so limited in frequency that I am losing my mind! I too have had to accept intercourse that is prefaced with "you need to finish" after I have spent over forty minutes of foreplay - massage, manual and oral stimulation from the top of her head to the tips of her toes that results in at least two to three orgasms. But I have to hurry up and get it over with HELP!

So for now, until I can get her to begin talking about sex, other than "I think about it sometimes too". I guess I will have to tolerate the current situation. That means more time reading here and frankly self pleasure.

Sorry for venting, but your words felt so familiar. Hang-in there! I hope it gets better sooner.

Finally, I have to agree with Howard, the thing I would love to complain about is having a wife who was so willling and enthusiastic about sex. I must not be doing something right?

[whittibo]

Njoy, isn't it odd that two couples can be so much the same, but polar opposites. Here it's my husband, there, it's your wife.

All I know for sure is, I didn't want to have sex because it was boring and plain and no foreplay, no kissing, no warning even. He wouldn't kiss me when he got home, didn't talk to me, was grumpy all the time (probably from lack of sex?) I felt shut out of his life and frankly didn't care what his needs were.

I also have 3 kids, almost 14, almost 12 and just turned 8, and I home school all of them, so my days were consumed by needy children and overwhelming responsibilities for the house (cleaning, cooking, shopping etc., just normal mom stuff, but when you add 3 kids home 24/7, I think it just got to me?) so I craved adult interaction, wasn't getting it at home, so turned to my computer and that's where I spent all my time just visiting with adults. So I think for me, kids and the lack of communication was what drove me away from my husband. He on the other hand is a pest control guy, so he spends all day just talking to people, he gets home and that's the last thing he wants to do. *sigh*

Things had gotten increasingly worse, everything he did, right down to breathing (he breaths very loudly for some reason) was driving me insane, I hated to be around him. I could list probably 100's of irritating things he would do daily, and things I just rolled my eyes at, but I knew there were probably just as many annoying things I did that drove him nuts. So I just started having sex, every night. Things were great at first because he had gone so long without it. After week two, I think he was getting overwhelmed with our new found relationship and we're also selling our house and will be closing escrow in 18 days, so life is pretty confusing now. But that's when we started having problems because he didn't want sex. I found myself all day waiting till he got home to hug and kiss on him and couldn't wait till the kids were in bed to be intimate with him, and when he started showing signs of disinterest, I lost it. I think the overwhelmingness of moving just effects me differently and I WANT intimacy, he doesn't. We have had a few blow outs the last 3 weeks, ending in our last one this past Wednesday when I, as frustrated as I could ever be, finally got angry and told him at first it's either all or nothing because I can't desire him all day long and have him come home and not want me, and I wasn't about to schedule things in on the calendar "OK to have sex tonight" and then I told him that it isn't all or nothing, it's all or the marriage is over.

What he doesn't understand is, there's more to intimacy then sex. Cuddling, kissing, stroking, licking... if he's sore or tired, we don't have to have sex, but he NEVER should ignore me. I think I finally made him understand that we are each others best friends, and soon, all we will have is each other. (we moving 2000+ miles away from everything we have ever know, family, friends, and that's no easy task).

I think for us, we need to learn to communicate better without words. Last night I knew he was tired, so I left my clothes on and was going to just cuddle and be near him, enjoy him laying on me. I gave him a massage and wasn't showing any signs of wanting sex. But he did. Well women (at least me) I can be ready to have sex, but if I am going to have an orgasm, I need to work up to it all day, thinking about him, and the night etc. So I hadn't done that, so took care of him quickly so he could go to sleep, and he did. Well at about 4 am, we both were awake and I was telling him how much I enjoyed just being near him and kissing him and such, and I did sneak in a touch or two, then he rolled over and let me really touch him, we had the BEST sex this morning and I told him how great it was and how much I enjoy him. He isn't very verbal and just said, "it was fun". But he'll get there.

So I don't know if my life has any similarities to yours, if your wife is just overwhelmed with other stuff... or perhaps needs affection outside of the bedroom instead of just when she goes to bed? But, as you can see, we have sorted things out and for now anyway, things are great. I hope you find the same thing with your wife. Reading here has been an enormous help, and yes, I wish he would read too, but on the other hand, I am glad I have this all to myself and can be more open. I might just start printing out the education articles and adding them to his lunch box.

[theshyone]

Whittibo: Think about what is going on with your husband. He works all day, has to be mr. charming to all the folks whose homes and businesses he has to visit, he works with toxic chemicals as a pest controller, and fights traffic getting home every day. He is going to be tired. Make him lay down and take a nap when he gets home, while you and the children clear the place, and fix dinner. Then wake him for dinner. How hard would that be to do? If the kids are involved in helping Dad relax, he is less likely to be surly with them, and everyone will be in better humor. Of course, you need a break, too. He needs to help around the house and with the kids after his nap. It can be his time with the kids, while you take care of the dishes, or clear the table while the kids do the dishes. Then the kids can work on homework, while you take a nap, and Dad is there to keep it to a dull roar. If you both take a nap, you will be relaxed, and can stay up later.

I am not fond of people making love just before bedtime. The need for sleep, the exhaustion, always seems to hurry people into just " fucking " and not making love. Zero foreplay, little touching or cuddling, no talking , no flirting, no grabbing each other's butts, or rubbing your breast against him, or grabbing each other's family jewels, not teasing, playing double entenderes, just quick, and inadequate in and out fucking until he gets his rocks off, rolls over, and goes to sleep. That makes intercourse simply a sleep aid, and not making love. There is a huge difference.

I prefer people do what you two did recently. If you are really that tired, then go to bed early, and set the alarm so you can wake up earlier. Then play, and /or take a shower together and play with each other there. The kids are almost always sleeping like little logs, so you don't have to worry about privacy. Morning sex helps take the edge off the day for you, and sends him out into that morning traffic without a care in the world. Being mellow also makes it easier for him to put up with the public he sees daily, so that he is not letting the little things get to him as he is now. Massages, hugs, caresses, teasing, and laughing, and SEX are terrific in the shower. Oral sex is wonderful in the shower, for both of you.

So, talk to your husband about changing the time of day when you have sex. Point out how nice it was to make love at 4:30 A.M. and how none of the concerns you both have when trying to make love before bedtime interrupted either of you. When you change the time of day when you have sex, ( not saying of course that you both can't get some during an afternoon, or in the evening, too) you break a lot of bad habits both of you have fallen into. Its like falling love and lust all over again, or maybe for the first time.

Think about it.

Howard

Howard this is excellent advise, I think we should call you howard the wise:) I think it is easy to get trapped in bad habits and just enduring the love making until it becomes a chore. But I really like your suggestion. My husband better watch out tomorrow morning.

The shy one

[whittibo]

He works all day, has to be mr. charming to all the folks whose homes and businesses he has to visit, he works with toxic chemicals as a pest controller, and fights traffic getting home every day. He is going to be tired. Make him lay down and take a nap when he gets home, while you and the children clear the place, and fix dinner. Then wake him for dinner. How hard would that be to do?

I understand what you are trying to say, but really, my husband leaves at 7am and usually is home by 1 or 3 at the latest. He does drive around all day, but we live in the country, up near Lake Tahoe in California, I wouldn't necessarily consider his driving bothersome or difficult due to traffic. He is alone all day, no boss breathing down his neck, and no annoying co-workers. I think his biggest issues with work is that he's tired of it. He's been doing it for 13 years and it's just the same 'ol thing day in/day out. I think he hates it, and that makes it even harder to do. Attitude is very important, make the best of what you got, don't make it worse by hating it so much.

He does rest when he gets home, I always make coffee and sit down in the front room with him and just visit, make the girls go outside or downstairs. I always make dinner (except here and there when nobody is really hungry, then we just find something to eat) but for the most part, we always have dinner together, a nice home cooked meal. Our kids aren't in any sports or groups or anything, so we're usually just home as a family. I keep our house pretty tidy, having it on the market for nearly 3 years teaches you cleanliness.

I am not fond of people making love just before bedtime. The need for sleep, the exhaustion, always seems to hurry people into just " fucking " and not making love. Zero foreplay, little touching or cuddling, no talking , no flirting, no grabbing each other's butts, or rubbing your breast against him, or grabbing each other's family jewels, not teasing, playing double entenderes, just quick, and inadequate in and out fucking until he gets his rocks off, rolls over, and goes to sleep. That makes intercourse simply a sleep aid, and not making love. There is a huge difference.

THIS is exactly what I need to get through his head. He thinks intimacy is just "getting it over with". He rarely touches me outside of the bedroom, no cuddling, very little talking, flirting... HA! I wish! I just think he's insecure about himself, or just doesn't know how to be intimate?? Yesterday he came home, I had been on the phone with his bosses drunk wife because he finally told his boss yesterday that we're moving (more importantly WHEN) so the bosses wife calls me, drunk as usual and UGH, she just doesn't stop talking and really wipes you out mentally. So anyway, he gets home, he had a hard day because he did have to talk with his boss, then went to the dentist about a tooth that has been bothering him (he HATES the dentist) so he was mostly withdrawn and really just wouldn't connect on any level. I left him to rest on the bed awhile why I got some things done, and he went and showered later and came out in his boxers. The girls were all downstairs, he just came out to hang up the phone. I told him to come over here, (I was sitting at my computer looking on Craig's list for an RV) and he said, "why? are you going to get me?" and he wouldn't come over here. I was just going to kiss him and maybe lick his cock, but he wouldn't come over. *sigh*

I told him later that he never really even talked to me or touched me all day, and then to pull away from me when I want to give him attention. I knew he wasn't in the mood for sex, which is fine, but there's no reason we can't still talk and touch?!

All our intimacy problems, I believe, are centered around his insecurities as a lover, even though he has nothing to worry about and I ASSURE him of that every day. I also am getting annoyed that I spend hours touching, licking, massaging him, just being intimate, romantic, and turning him on, and we do have sex and I enjoy it, but I just feel like he's "letting me do everything, and letting me fuck him" that he isn't participating, just there with the erection.

[whittibo]

You hit the nail on the head about his fears. I think it's because he "thinks" I am/was experienced because I had sex with others before we were married and he was a virgin. My "experience" was with teen boys who knew nothing about intimacy, just getting off, so I am not some "experienced person" like he thinks I am.

You're also right about being turned down. As with many other couples, we got into our rut, and because sex has never been great, I never set it as a priority and really could live without it and wasn't giving him anything. But I put the blame on both of us for that. His advances consisted of putting his hand on my shoulder and that was his idea of "foreplay" and if I didn't respond and jump on him and fuck him, well, he was "rejected".

I have shown him, I have taken his hand, even went as far as to hand him the little vibrator recently and showed him what to do with it, but unless I show him every time, he just doesn't do it. And that leaves me feeling like I have to beg for him to please me, either that, or I have to take matters into my own hands and please myself with him. He still isn't confident enough to just go for it and try something I have shown him in the past. Even with positions, it's me that has to decide what position to do. I think with our discussions lately he might be close to understanding that he isn't just there for me to USE, but I want him to get involved too. I hope so anyway.