Just A Quick Update

[calvin]

Hi,

Its been a few weeks since my last post, life has been very busy for both me and my wife (both of us are working and studying at the same time), most things seem to have been put on hold recently....including sex. We haven't really had any kind of sex recently, and we certainly havent talked about it at all, but there's only so many hours in a day and our schedules don't match up that well even though we live in the same house!

But last night we had a relaxing night in, the first in a while, and when we went to bed I had a little surprise lined up. I covered my wife's eyes with a t-shirt and told her to put her hands behind her head and keep them there - a little bit of control and pretend bondage, i got the idea from Mikayla's article on beginner BDSM - and then went to the kitchen and came back with a can of whipped cream. My wife had a good time trying to guess what it was as I spread it on her nipples and licked it off, and enjoyed me going down on her without getting embarrassed and trying to fight me off (I think the control thing helped there - as well as the cream!) and we had lots of fun and used up most of the can. It wasn't much, but it was something new, where there never used to be any surprises in the bedroom for us. Also we are both very shy so it took a bit of courage for me to try something that would genuinely surprise her.

Anyway I just wanted to post this to let people know I am still here, and that my wife and I are still working on spicing up our sex lifes. We haven' t done much recently, but last night was great.I'm planning on keeping coming back to this forum to post progress, as I think that is a good way of making a commitment to making progress. We haven' t bought any toys yet because we don't have much money as well as time, but we are thinking about it, so hopefully we will soon.

Best,

Calvin

[Mikayla1]

Glad to hear it Calvin!

As you have discovered, you do not need "toys" to have a great sex life! You can use household items. Icecubes, fruits, vegetables, feathers - it all works. When you get enough money to buy a toy - start little. Get a cheaper vibe. See how it works for you, then build up if you want.

The key is to enjoy your sex life and try things that are new - and you are! Congratulations and post back when you can!

[Kinky Twinkie]

Glad to hear it Calvin!

As you have discovered, you do not need "toys" to have a great sex life! You can use household items. Icecubes, fruits, vegetables, feathers - it all works. When you get enough money to buy a toy - start little. Get a cheaper vibe. See how it works for you, then build up if you want.

The key is to enjoy your sex life and try things that are new - and you are! Congratulations and post back when you can!

It amazing how much fun a dryer can be when you get creative and discover that it does more then dry cloths

Glenn

[Kinky Twinkie]

Calvin. Congratulations on stepping it up a notch! Good for you. That is why the site exists- to help people with new ideas to improve their sex play.

May I suggest that you save water( isn't that " Green of me ?") by taking a shower with your wife daily? You can massage her there, and she can massage you there, and there, and there, and, well, I am sure you can both figure out a way to enjoy your shower. Heh, Heh! And there is nothing wrong with taking two showers a day, if for some reason you are not present in the house when she takes hers, or vice versa. A good massage and a hot shower, together with great sex takes the edge off busy days. Its also the best way I know for two shy people to get used to each other seeing themselves nude, with the lights on, and everything. Don't let her towel herself off, ever. That is your " job ", and her job is to towel you off- everywhere! I use to shampoo my wife's hair- both places- and give her a good scalp massage in the process. Then as she rinsed the shampoo off I would massage her neck and shoulders, and then work down her back. By the time I got to her butt, and had to kneel or sit down in the tub to reach them well, she was already feeling mellow and horny! ( Funny how that works that way EVERY time!!!) She loved having her legs and feet massaged, and when I finished I would turn her around and -- why guess what was in my face that I could lick while was massaging the front of her legs and thighs??? And when I rose so I could massage her ribs, and chest- -- what are these lovely ladies who are so firm and so hard? Are they trying to say " hello "? I don't recall they were in that condition when I got into the shower??! -- and I have been neglecting them, terrible me. Perhaps if I kiss them, they will accept my apologies! By then she was washing my body, and spending a lot of time checking my gear to make sure it was really clean, and then, of course she had to make sure she didn't leave any soap in any of the cracks and crevices.......... !

Sometimes you may just have to look at your daily calendars and schedule in nooky time. Its important enough to both of you that you do so. Its the way to relax, and to stay connected. Otherwise all the rest of the stuff both of you are doing is for ---What??? If you have ever known a happily married couple where one of the partners dies suddently, the survivor wil often tell you how much they wished they could have him/her back for just an hour so he/she could tell him just how much he loves her, and hold her in him in her arms just one more time. The only way people don't experience that trap of fate is to never leave their spouse without a loving kiss- not those damn pecks on the cheek you see so many couples do- and a great fuck before you part. If you can make love, at lease fondle her before you part. Grab her ass, or her pussy, or brush her nipples, anything to tell you that you will be thinking about her and can't wait to make love to her again, and vice versa. Ladies, you have a license to fondle his butt, or gear. His gear are your toys, and vice versa. If someone was going to borrow your favorite tennis racket, would you not say at the parting to remember to bring it back? Why should you let your family jewels walk away without a parting reminder to bring them back safe, and soon?

Have fun.

Howard

Don't take this wrong Howard but after reading that I want( as I think everyone else here does too) to jump in and share a shower with you also. My God, your woman is one luckly lady- with a imagination and knowledge you present here I not sure where it all comes from but your an inspiring role model for me to be a fantastic husband/lover to my wife. It to bad she can't have sex for six weeks but reading that makes me want to toss her in the shower, right now, and bang her into tomorrow.

oops wife calls, got to go

Glenn

l

[Kinky Twinkie]

I have lots of ideas like this, and you are always welcome to them. I think if you check with her OB/GYn, she can't have anything in her vagina for six weeks. I don't think there is any restriction about her having orgasms for six weeks. There is manual, and oral sex that can give her relief, and joy in the shower, and elsewhere, during this period. And the same can be done by her to you.

We'll your right on that mark and this has been my approuch, but her GYN still stuck to her guns. I asked if oral sex was ok and she looked at me and said "whatever you want to do" but since wife still having some bloody discharge wife suggested we don't do the oral until the discharge stops and I would say she has a good point. But she has given some oral to me, we did some titty fucking, and I working on getting a prostrate massage for the past few days but had no luck. But still, there comes a time when you just can't wait to get down and lick the living day lights out of her.

Glenn

[Mikayla1]

Please, please, please listen to your OB! There are reasons for NOT having oral sex after birth. Your wife's uterus and vagina are still healing and ANY bacteria introduced there - even the minimal amount during oral sex can be dangerous. It takes a few weeks for the uterus to close up again after birth - so you do NOT want to chance that.

Also, having orgams can be EXTREMELY painful if you do not wait long enough. The 6 week limit is the outer edge of what is necessary - and you indicate your wife JUST had the baby - don't rush her body! This is the time for YOU to get blowjobs and for her body to heal.

I am not suggesting that 6 weeks is a must - but you have to remember that her OB does internal exams on her during her visits - and she knows things you (or Howard) don't.

While Howard is a very smart man - and a good lawyer I am sure - he has NOT had training in the medical field - nor has he had any children - so his advice here is speculative at most! Always listen to your doctor!!!

[Tyger]

I too would recommend listening to your OB/GYN! Mine told me no sexual ACTIVITY for at least 6 weeks. That included oral. And I had mine via c-section.

Mikayla is correct when she said that not only are the female reproductive organs are healing, they're also moving back into their correct places. It takes a while, after birth, to do so. It weakens a woman's body, and she needs time to heal, and relax. That includes her "parts" too.

IMO, honestly, not to wait those 6 weeks is a bit selfish. Wanting to please your wife is GREAT. BUT, right now, I would be a few hours of sleep, maybe breakfast in bed, or a few extra diaper changes with the new baby would mean the world to her. There are also ways that you can let her know that you still find her sexy & attractive to you too. Flowers, cards, taps on the butt, or a nice hug.

I am glad that things are going so well for y'all though. Congrats again on the new baby! Enjoy! It only gets better!

[Mikayla1]

If doctors don't want women to even have orgasms, then that is truly a terrible state of affairs. My heart goes out to women who give birth. BTW, I understand not having orgasms if any kind of incision is made, but if natural child birth is accomplished without any incisions, then I don't see the basis for the concern. Are you told not to do Kegels either? Just curious.

Howard

Ok Howard, I have taken my 'nasty pill' today so here goes:

First, you are NOT a woman, nor have you been with a woman who has given birth - ergo, you are WAY out of your league discussing or commenting on this subject.

As an intelligent man, who knows a lot about many different things, I would suggest that you know what a woman's body goes through to have a baby. Her uterus grows to a size larger than a basketball, her organs get smushed around, her insides are pushed and pulled all over. After birth (with or without c-section) all this has to go back to normal. Also, the body cleanses itself with what can only be described as THE MOTHER of all PERIODS! We women have stuff coming out of us that would make most men faint!

IF we have orgasms too soon - that blood, those clots, etc will get PUSHED way out of us way too fast and could cause problems with anemia. Also, the body contracts itself to help the uterus go back to its normal state, having orgasms during this time can be EXTREMELY painful. The body does natural kegels - and yes, they do not recommend doing kegels right away to reduce stress on the vaginal area. Even if there is no cutting or tearing, the vaginal canal is still traumatized!

Now, I went to my OBGYN yesterday for my regular 4 week check up. I asked her the reasoning behind waiting 6 weeks - and if it is really necessary. She told me that most women are back to "normal" in about 6 weeks - however, some take longer. Then she explained the reasons (which I have listed above) and explained that "doctors do not give this recommendation out of spite - but for the patient's well being" - and explained to me that oral sex is a big no no for the MAN as well, and manual stimulation could also introduce harmful bacteria (even with a condom) and it should be avoided. Also, if you have had an episiotome (or have ripped) that this is extremely susceptible to tearing - with sex, fingers or even too much activity. This can be painful and can get infected.

She futher said that life with baby takes time to adjust to. Not having sex lessons the pressures, gives time for emotional and hormonal balances to return to "normal" and just overall give the new MOm (and Dad) time to adjust.

Now, she acknowledges that not all patients wait the 6 weeks (or even 2) and that they take those risks on themselves. THis has been the accepted medical practice and will continue to be.

So, while you may find this a "sad state of affairs" I find it reasonable and sensible to listen to your doctor! If we have legal questions, we will certainly come to you, but for medical questions and "woman issues" I think we should defer to the professionals? Wouldn't you agree???

[Mikayla1]

I am tiring, Howard, of you taking my pointing out that you do not have children as an insult! The point is, unless you have BEEN TO THE DOCTOR with a woman who has just given birth, and had the opportunity to ask him or her their reasoning - then you do not have the kind of knowledge needed here.

Also, with all due respect, you had friends who "started exercises as soon as they got home from the hospital" - ok, fine, great - were they also having orgasms a day or two after delivery?

I am also tiring of you saying one thing, and then claiming that you have said another. In your post you say:

"I recommended that he go to his wife's doctor and check on what kind of sex is permissible. I certainly would not want him giving her orgasms of any kind if she had an episiotomy! But even you, kayla, have not excluded manual stimulation to orgasm as a way for the woman to have some release. If bacteria is a concern, he can put a latex glove on his hand, or put a condom on his finger(s) and avoid insertion while fondling his wife to orgasm."

He ALREADY went to his wife's doctor and asked her! What part of THAT do you not understand? You DO suggest that orgasms are OK, and suggest that I agree with "manual stimulation as release." Well, certainly but NOT right after childbirth!!!

Also, you did pose the questions that I answered for you when you wrote:

"If doctors don't want women to even have orgasms, then that is truly a terrible state of affairs. My heart goes out to women who give birth. BTW, I understand not having orgasms if any kind of incision is made, but if natural child birth is accomplished without any incisions, then I don't see the basis for the concern. Are you told not to do Kegels either? Just curious. "

Now, I had already asked my OB before you posed this question this morning - but my answers DO address this, do they not? I tell you in my post that even without an incision (which more women than not have) the vagina is still stressed and needs time to "rest" for lack of a better word. You were curious, I answered, but you are unwilling to accept my answers.

You use "friends" as references - I use MYSELF and my DOCTOR as references. I am very careful about obtaining and giving my information to readers here. Suggesting, at any point, in this discussion that oral sex, masturbation or other things are permissible based on what you THINK is valid information is just ludicrous! I suggested this before, I will suggest it again - ANYONE IN THIS SITUATION SHOULD ASK THEIR OB! THe OB is the ONLY one who sees first hand THAT WOMAN'S body parts and knows when she is ready to have sex...PERIOD!

Now, I am done here - I have tired of this debate - and I have tired of you, quite frankly, in this discussion. Call me "nasty" call me whatever you will, but in this situation dear, I am right and you are wrong...PERIOD!!!!

[JackieM3117]

It's too bad this site doesn't just have a OB GYN to answer health questions directly... but I just wanted to throw in that bacteria is everywhere so it might just be best to go with the "better safe than sorry" approach. After childbirth that area is admittedly vulnerable, and while some sex practices are less likely than others to cause a problem, I know I personally would not want to take the risk. Anyway, like Mikayla and Howard said, have your wife talk to her doctor and after hearing what the doctor has to say, see what your wife is comfortable with doing.

[Kinky Twinkie]

It's too bad this site doesn't just have a OB GYN to answer health questions directly... but I just wanted to throw in that bacteria is everywhere so it might just be best to go with the "better safe than sorry" approach. After childbirth that area is admittedly vulnerable, and while some sex practices are less likely than others to cause a problem, I know I personally would not want to take the risk. Anyway, like Mikayla and Howard said, have your wife talk to her doctor and after hearing what the doctor has to say, see what your wife is comfortable with doing.

Ummm I am fine with masterbation and she does give me blow jobs, other then that we doing what the doctor ordered. Can we all just masterbate and get along??????? LOL I appreciate the advice but the break from intercourse has actually been kind of nice. I think she gonna rape me when the doctor gives her the green light so I hope I can get my bondage gear back from my sister in law before we get the green light

Glenn

[calvin]

Hi all,

I wondered why there were 16 replies to my post

Thanks for your encouragement Mikayla. Me and my wife had some great sex last night. She teased me for a long time and I had no problem with my erection, it was raring to go. Eventually we got to having sex and it was great, but when it came to time to finish I couldnt - probably because I was trying to hard, I guess. But I didnt get down about it, we had a rest and I told her the same thing, that I thought I was trying to hard to finish. After a rest we both masturbated me to a pretty intense orgasm. I'm mainly pleased that I didnt let it bother me that I couldnt finish, it only makes things worse if I get depressed about it.

Also we did take a shower together for the first time in a long time the other night, it was good to see each other naked with the lights on, I think Howard is right that showering together is a great way to get comfortable naked.

I can't comment on the other stuff in this thread, we dont have any children, not yet anyway, but it sounds to me like listening to your doctor is probably a good idea.

Calvin

[speedemon]

great job calvin, its good that you can keep your spirits and other things high in the bedroom. like has been said in previous post all through this site keeping it fun in the bedroom is the key (not saying you are not keeping it fun, being in the military i know about tight schedules), also trying to hard to perform after a long period of hiadis can be devistating on the moment. but congrats on the evening and smooth sailing to th enext one.

[Mikayla1]

"If you are tired of insulting me, Then stop INSULTING ME! I reserve the right to determine what remarks are insulting to me. I have challenged you about this before, and you insist on repeating it. You know it annoys the hell out of me, and you know you are wrong. If the only way anyone can learn knowledge is through direct action, and contact experiences, there would be no need for English Instructors at local colleges, now, would there??"

Sometimes mentioning a lack of children is relevant - this time it was relevant. If you are insulted, that is on YOU, not me - cause INTENT to insult is half the issue - I have no intent. I am not wrong.

I never say that the ONLY way to learn is through direct experience - but in this situation, being a woman who has had a baby - and having gone through this - I can only know more than ANY man on this subject. I also asked a OBGYN - who is assumed to have the best information on this subject.

Your analogy about the English Professor is faulty. My students DO learn by direct experience through my teaching. While there are instances where reading what someone has written is NOT a direct "experience" it is still direct in that they are reading and analyzing for themselves. That comment really has no bearing here.

'And touche to you, my dear. You have correctly transmitted your doctor's advice, but I still want more information and a much better explanation. I think the doctor's answer is a bunch of hooey. If you can still get an infection when using condoms or plastic( rubber) gloves, then why do doctors put on rubber gloves when they are examining you???? If the first proposition is true, what is the point of doning gloves? Inquiring minds want to know about that. I am surprised you did not think to ask her about that. "

I think my explanation was as adequate as needed. She said "the recommendation by the American Gynecological and Obstetrical Association is....." and then also says why this has been this way. She also stated that some patients do not wait that long - and that is on them - but HER recommendation is this..... If you fail to accept it - so what? As a lawyer you know that you can almost always find a dissenting "expert" to refute anothe experts opinion. So, finding a doctor that says differently really doesn't make this any different, now does it?

Now, as for the rubber glove comment - when SURGEONS or DOCTORS use rubber gloves they first sterlize their hands, then they put their gloves on in a STERILE environment from a STERILE box. When we at home use them - what do we touch after we have them on? I doubt that many men or women would think about the sterile environment, not touching ANYTHING after the gloves are on. I believe my doctor is thinking of the common mistakes most common people would make when trying to be sterile!

So Howard, I believe I am done here. There is nothing more to debate - nothing more to concede. I see that you are unwilling to budge in your unrelenting puruit of "winning" here - and I see things differently. I feel that I have given these people the most adequate and thorough information that I could gather from a professional. Can you say you have done the same?

No more discussions on this please!!!!!

[Mikayla1]

I did not say I was *never wrong.*

Good for you Howard...WHOOOOPPPIIIEEE!

If you found an article on the internet that said that you could fly if you flapped your arms hard enough would you try it?????

I find it interesting that the article is titled "Sex and the New Dad!" Oh poor men, they have to wait a few weeks to get off...boo hoo! Let us just forget all the trauma that this woman went through and rush into sex! Even if she wanted to have sex - WHY RUSH?????

I stand by my original reasoning here, this woman (all women) should do what their OBGYN tells them....PERIOD! I am most sure if you tried really hard you could find articles that suggest sex the day of delivery - or that suggest waiting 10 years....I am just sorry that you feel the need to spend so much of your "busy" day researching and doing all this.

Why is this so important to you? You want to prove the rule of thumb is wrong? That my doctor is ridiculous? Are you getting paid to discredit OBGYNs? I think you need to get back into a courtroom and out from your computer! Do you not want women to have a few weeks to rest after having babies? REally, what IS The purpose here, solely to prove the "I am right, you are wrong" stance? Fine, great.....you found something saying it is OK....what do you want, props to you? A "Howard is right, Mikayla is wrong" banner!

Maybe YOU should be TooTimid's Sex Educator since you apparently know so much more than me, and obviously have so much more time on your hands!

Again, GOOD FOR YOU HOWARD......now what will you do with your time??????

[Tyger]

I just want to say, that, you can do all the reading in the world, look up things on the internet all you want, but, until you directly experience child-birth, you can't FULLY comprehend it. And, I'm not really sure a man can fully do so. Not meaning that as an insult, it's just the way it is. I use to be insulted when people would say that, and I had no kids. I am intelligent, read, do research. What was the big mystery? Well, after I experienced it, I admitted that I was truly ignorant in my past thinking. Now, when people say that, no matter what the situation, if I haven't experienced it fully, then, no I have no clue what they truly went thru or felt. And I'm big enough to admit that fact.

I know that when we had our daughter, I didn't even want hubby LOOKING at me *down there* until I was healed. I had the good fortune of being one of those women that really did bleed 6 weeks, almost to the damn day (I wish the OB had told me just like 3 weeks, maybe my body would've listned!! LMAO).

[Mikayla1]

*slap*

[speedemon]

i probably have no place in the middle of this but i know that with our first baby my wifge wound up with 15 seperate stiches on the inside of her V. now i'm sorry but as horny as i was 1. because i had just come back from a 6mth deploy and 2. cause she was so Fing hot, i couldn't stand the thought of putting her through the discomfort of rubbing back and forth across those stiches. plus her reaction to the material didn't help matters any by extending the healign out to 3 months. but you know what i am we did hold of on it cause believe me my wife was just as bad as i was horny as me. her OB applauded us for our patience and said that had we not waited that the scarring would have been bad enough to affect sex for probably the rest of our Fing days (literaly).

Just my 2 cents but you can take it for what its worth or you can wipe your ass with it, but unless there is a doctors name at the end of that article or a medical reference then i would be very very cautious when following it.

[Tyger]

Great reply from one of America's finest!! AND a MAN!! It was very thoughtful of you to put your wife's health first, even in your, um, state? I bet the waiting made the first time after, that much more awesome too!

[speedemon]

as quick as it went it was awesome, but an hour later let me tell you what, there wasn't a room in that house we didn't just totally destroy, we even went and initiated both cars inside and out. it was a very very very good day/night.

[Mikayla1]

I just wanted to let everyone who may be reading this post know what TooTimid's official stance is on this situation (after speaking with the head haunchos):

While this is a board where people's opinions and ideas are more than welcome, in any situation where a serious medical issue could arise by NOT following a Doctor or Medical Professional's advice, TooTimid (and myself) ALWAYS insist that your doctor's advice be followed.

No matter what you find on the internet or may read here, when it comes to medical issues (such as the one discussed on this thread) ALWAYS defer to your health professional. If you choose to ignore their advice and follow something you read elsewhere, that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

While we (all the 'regular' posters) of TooTimid (as well as myself as the Sex Educator, and all the moderators) strive to give the best information based on our experience, sometimes we disagree. Having many viewpoints can be an excellent thing - and sometimes it can cloud the issue.

So, just to reiterate, if you have a medical condition, or are asking a question that is medically significant - please defer to your personal health care provider!

[calvin]

wow, can I expect 29 replies every time I post a quick update?

Thanks for the encouragement speedemon, the best bit about it was that it was really fun for us both!

On the other debate, I applaud tootimid's stance: follow your doctor's advice. Doctors are human, and as such they do not know everything and are not always right. Nevertheless, you should think long and hard before going against their advice, because for the most part they know a lot more about medecine than you, the patient, though as the patient you will be an authority on your own body and how it feels. If you do decide to go against your doctor's advice, it will be your responsibility, so do think long and hard - especially with something as common as childbirth, they do know what they are talking about.

But to my mind, in this case, the bigger question is: why not wait? Sex is important of course, but surely it can wait six weeks where the new mother's health might become an issue. To put it another way: what is the benefit of not waiting, and how does it weigh up against the risk? It seems to me that waiting would be a safe choice with only a minor down side - a lack of sex for the woman (presumably the man can still get some sex if the woman is willing to give oral or manual assistance).

Just my two cents worth. I shall be sure to post another update soon!