Its Been 3 Mos

[Becoming]

Hi my name is Becoming, I' ll be 29 years old in 2 days. I am engaged to a wonderful man who is 21 years my senior. We have been together for a total of 4 years (on/off). We are five months into our engagement and things have seem to gone down when it comes to us having sex. During the course of our relationship I wasn't into having sex and now it seems that the roles have reversed. The last time we had sex was about three months ago when I suggested that we buy an adult game. I later found out that I hurt his feelings when I made a comment about, "when is it going to be my turn" and he took that as me being selfish.

During the course of our relationship he would tell me that I am the one with the problem when it comes to sex. Since then I am very self conscious when it comes to us having sex. To be honest, I have never felt that way before.

Fast forward a month, two months, and now and we still aren't having sex, he told me that he does not feel safe and that is why he is not having sex with me. The last time I wanted to have sex with him, he told me that I need to perform oral sex on him or massage his penis versus rubbing my legs on him, He says I need to learn how to get a man arouse. So I took his suggestion and the next time I massaged his penis to get him hard and after a few mins he tells me to stop but I insisted and that made him mad. Yes, I know I was wrong to continue and I apologize to him but its been a while and I just wanted to be assertive.

I've bought books to educate myself a little bit more and now that his birthday is coming up I want to do something special but am scared that the night will turn out like all the other....NOTHING....

Please help!!!!

[CGEM]

Hi B,

It's always so tricky and sensitive business when it comes to situations you describe here. It's nothing new to me, either. I believe that most couples ondergo such a stage where both have sex drives of their own, but they just don't seem to click. I've learnt a couple of important lessons in this process. First of all, if one of you thinks that it's the other one who has to change, it still means that you BOTH have a problem. You're in it together and share a mutual problem, right? Neither one of you is having satisfying sex life. It can be difficult to understand, and the only key here is open and honest communication. And you need lots of it (yes, more than lube in anal sex). What you definitely want to avoid is using sex as a weapon you hit your mate with. When you feel frustrated, it happens so easily. Don't do it.

Having said that, you still have to be able to take the criticism. Be open to what he says because it just may change your sex life for better than ever. Some years ago, I was in a situation where I really thought that our sex life had taken a plunge mostly because of her behavior. Referring to what I wrote above, I had a hard time figuring out to myself if it really was as unilateral as I thought or if I was just being a selfish ass. So, I talked to her. I said the things as kindly yet firmly as I possibly could. I also told that she should be honest about how she thinks, and that I'd be willing to take actions, too. Luckily enough, she took my comments very well, and made a huge difference. Since then, I've had it the other way around, too. And I've been so happy that I have been able to take the criticism and not only turned defensive.

I may sound like a jerk saying this, but I can relate to your man. There were times when the "regular" sex didn't do it for me anymore. And when I say regular, I mean at bedtime, in bed, under the duvet, lights off. Sex had gotten the status of meat loaf in our life. What was missing was everyday flirt and seduction. I didn't want her to give better head, but rather a quick rub on my ass when she would walk by me to the fridge. Or that she would reply to my email flirt during the day. At the same time, I was trying to figure out what I could do to make her desire me again. Not easy, yet totally worth it.

And it got so good.

We found one mutual thing that would make us both horny as hell, anytime:

Finding her, totally unexpected, in daylight playing with herself, enjoying the vibrations and looking in my eyes... I can tell you, the problems, if there ever were any... What problems? All gone. Just lust.

Seduction by masturbation. What a great concept.

Don't know if this was to any help. I hope there was at least something helpful. Good luck.

[thurisas]

I have to say that I agree with CGEM on some things. Sex doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts long before and, with me and my wife, is a constantly building thing throughout the day. I think one forgets this the longer they're in a relationship. I know we did. We would literally go for months and months without sex. It turned out to be a fault with both of us. Through communication(verbal and non-verbal) we were able to put a bit of spark back in our relationship just by starting to do all those things you would do when dating. Now, a day generally doesn't go by that I don't unexpectedly give my wife a hug that may or may not end up with me sneaking a kiss on her neck(which almost always gets her going).

One last thing I will add...I don't think you should ever feel guilty about asking for your turn. Ever. It's a two way street and making it fun and pleasurable for both of you is what it's about. I've mentioned it briefly before, but there is NOTHING that turns me on more than getting my wife off. I simply can't understand men who don't have that same inclination.

Incidentally, now that you've found this site, I think your husband is in a bit of trouble. I know when the wife started visiting here frequently, our sexlife got MUCH MUCH more enjoyable.

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

What worries me is that you are engaged to marry this man. IF sex is this complicated now....what will it be like later? Sex is NOT a one way street. While I find it perfectly acceptable for him to "coach" you on what feels good to him - I do NOT find it acceptable for him to tell you in any rude or demeaning way. I also think that if he is going to coach you, that you should coach him.

Let me ask you this, when you do have sex, how does it begin? Always with you massaging his penis? Oral for him? Oral for you? If it is always the same - and especially if he is leaving out the pleasure for you - then you might want to reconsider how to initiate sex in general. Sex is adult playtime - and it seems as though this part is being left out.

I understand that this man is a bit older than you - which is not problematic unless it is problematic as far as sex goes. Meaning, some men - not all - find it harder to get and maintain erections as they get older. There are lots of ways to help with this - but the man has to be willing to acknowledge the problem and trust his partner. Do you think that he has any of these issues? Does he ever just come to you hard and horny and want to fuck? Do you initiate always, or does he? Going 3 months without sex would drive most men (and many women) totally nuts - what is his reasoning here?

I think that fact that you are educating yourself on sex is great - as I always say - knowledge is power. What kind of sex life did you have before him? With past lovers, did it seem this hard or this much work? If not, you need to sit back and think about that.

Also, never, ever feel guilty about wanting pleasure for yourself - it is natural and healthy - and you should never feel badly about it. Try to find a common ground to discuss this before you get married -you will kick yourself in the ass if you don't.

Good luck!

[whiskeywoman]

First of all, I must congratulate you on your engagement.

Second of all, congratulate you on choosing to date a much older mate.

I say this because I too was married to someone much older than myself, I found out that their views on sex and the world in general are much differant than our own.

doing the math puts your fiance at right about the 50 year mark.

From what I read, it sounds as though there are several issues going on, and the sex is the least of them.

It is possible though that your fiance may be suffering from performance anxiety, he could be afraid of ejaculating too quickly, or not being able to get it up.

The human body also likes to play tricks with older men, arthritus sets in, as does high cholesterol, high blood pressure,enlarged prostate gland, or a number of differant ailments,

Is he on any medication?

Another thing troubles me about your post, you said he does not feel safe having sex with you?

This is a huge red flag to me saying there is a MAJOR underlying issue here.

This is a trust issue right here and it needs to be adresed quickly if you want a marrrige to survive.

Why does he not feel safe? what will it take to makehim feel safe?

Trust in any relationship is a key factor here, and until he feels safe, he will not want to have sex.

Hell, if I didn't feel safe with my partner, I sure wouldn't be putting out either.

You say you want to do something special for his birthday, but your afraid it will wind up like the others, nothing.

There is nothing wrong with doing something special for your fiance, but expecting something in return for doing something is kinda like saying "I gave you yours, now wheres mine?"

Pardon the bluntness, but I call em like I see em.

As for the thing about arousal,

Seduction is way more than just a physical thing, it is an emotional and mental thing too,

I mean seriously, if some guy came up and just started slobbering on me, I think I would be more turned off than on.

Heres a good example, yesterday I was at work, and my boss came over and said one of the regular truckers had left a rose for me, I asked wich one, and when she went to point him out, he was gone.

He left a note along with a gorgeous purple rose saying " I always enjoy seeing you when I am in town, your eyes are as blue as the ocean, your laugh is as smooth as any silk, you smell prettier than any rose and your hair is as gold as honey, I wonder if a kiss would be as sweet?, see you the next trip"

This is a perfect example of a mental turn on.

It is also a great way for my co workers to razz the hell out of me.

But.... point being, it was a way for someone to let me know they were interested in a non sexual non threatening way.

But it held enough of a hint to drive me crazy wondering who it was and when they will be back.

A good mental turn on is easy, but, before you can do this, you need to know what turns him on?

Lingerie? a certain kind of lingerie? seeing you in his favorite sweatshirt?

You really need to go on a fact finding mision with him, then you can begin to really turn things up a notch.

Good luck

[Tyger]

I totally agree with the other posters responses, and not much else can be added to that.

Mutual trust, respect, & desire to be a COUPLE are keys to any good relationship. Communication, though, is #1!! Nothing in a relationship can be one sided. Now, sometimes, having a sexual "All About Me" night is a good thing. But not all of the time.

If your man is making you feel bad by criticizing you in a mean way, then he is being disresectful, and that's no way to communicate. He needs to work on his verbage. If he's not being insulting, then, take criticism with a grain of salt, and try to take it as constructively as possible. But, if he is making you feel guilty for not knowing what he likes, then he is, IMO an ass. If he doesn't teach you what he likes, and has to berate you because of it....well, that speaks for itself.

If there's no trust, there will be no relationship. Maybe I'm also being on the pessimistic side, but the way you worded that he doesn't feel safe having sex with you, sounds like he either doesn't trust that you've been faithful to him, or you may try and entrap him with a baby. Maybe both.

If he hasn't had issues up til 3 mos ago, and everything was fine, you have to do some searching. Not to cause you worry, but, a man that constantly accuses, berates, and only has sex when HE wants it with his SO, after long dry spells, is either a selfish pig, or cheating, IMO.

Again, I don't wish to alarm you, but you should be doing some serious thinking about a lifetime commitment with a man that doesn't trust you. From what you've told me, he sounds like the kind of man that would be a lot more demanding once you're legally bound to each other, and that can be worrisome.

[thurisas]

Tyger: I think sometimes its worth while for a potential " Bride " to talk to her fiance's former wife, or wives, and find out more about how he treated them. At 50, he is not likely to change much at all, and his prior marriages may be a good clue as to what she can expect.

Howard

While this might give a good insight in some instances, I think it is dangerous ground to tread. As a lawyer, you're trained to ask the right questions to get the right answers. I worry for those who don't have such skills. I worry further for someone talking to the ex in what was a bad relationship. You'll get the version of events tainted through the person's own bias and their own version of the relationship.

Thurisas.

[thurisas]

Actually, that was my post, no Tyger's. My point was that you are a lawyer and you know the proper questions to ask to be able to read between the lines to get to the truth of a story, or at least a likely truth. Most people don't have that training and are not practiced in doing so. I agreed that it could possibly help some, but I would be cautious about that sort of thing. I have one ex who was fairly...well, to be polite, we'll call her fairly off. I know to this day that any word she may have to say about me would be less than flattering even though I ended our engagement because she cheated on me. This is why I suggest caution.

Thurisas.

[Becoming]

Hi Everyone, I appreciate all your comments regarding my situation and for being open with me. I will attempt to answer each of your questions that were presented in your responses.

First let me surprise everyone by saying, my fiance and I do not live together (his recommendation), we see each other 2 days out of the week and every other weekend. The every other weekend was his suggestions after I complained that it seems that he is the only one in the relationship having time to himself.

We are currently in premarital counseling and I have to say that so far its helping us (probably not as fast as he would like it). I have had a no holds bar approach in our sessions. Our therapist has given us worksheets to do together (which I have been very resistant to do, only because when I express my feelings or conmunicaute to him-he tends to questions my feelings-which I am not used to)

As for his criticism in the bedroom-often times its "we have a sex problem" comment. During the course of our relationship (prior to the engagement) he had an interest in teaching me but I was resistant to it. For example, I didn't know that shaving your partner's genital area could be a part of foreplay, it wasn't until I read one of the articles on this site that i realize that's what was happening when he did that to me But I went back to him and shared with him what I learned.

When it comes to us initiating sex, I have to say that I have to help him to get erect. I have never had this problem in my past relationship and I expressed that to my fiance. If I just brushed my man at the time, he would have an erection and that is not the case with my fiance. As for oral sex I believe that it is a one way street with him. No blow job No Sex. As I can recall the last time we attempted to have sex he could not get an erection and so he asked if he could perform oral sex on me.

In my past relationships, I have to say that I was not interested in pleasing my mate and I have brought that issue in my current relationship and I made the mistake of telling my partner that my disinterest in pleasing a man. I'm not fan of blow job but I made a conscious decision to learn more about it because that's one of the things my fiance likes.

The very first time I made him cum by giving him a blow job was a year ago, he praised me like there was no tomorrow but i made the mistake by saying, " i hope you don't expect me to make you cum all the time" after and that was the end of it. I didn't give up though there's been other experiences but nothing like that one a year ago (which he often talks about)

I don't remember him ever coming to me hard and horny and want to fuck, it always he performs on me or vice versa. Even if he did have a problem I don't think he would admit it and that is why I believe he points the finger to me when it comes to us having a sex problem. That is why I am taking the intiative and turning things around.

"Him not feeling safe" puzzled me just like it did for each of you and here's what he meant after I ask him to explain that comment to me...he feels that I am not putting him first in my life and giving to him the way he has giving to me (unselfishly). I have to say I was very surpise that none of you heard of that excuse before. He can't have any kids (had a vasectomy). He has cheated in his past relationships/marriges (yes I said marriages-this will be his fourth) has sworn to me that he wil not cheat again because its hard for a person to regain another's trust.

I have been faithful to him from the time we've been together and have not giving him any indication of my interest to cheat (even though I have thought about it...but I'm not that type of woman)

I have spoken his first wife (he arranged), she shed some light into him and when I told what she said to me he was very surprise that she would say such lies about him. I think it is a good idea but sometimes not always good. I never thought of looking at his divorce papers (which I'll have to do-Thanks Howard)

We have not set a date as we are working through the bumps before we say "I Do"

One more thing my fiance is very open when it comes to us communicating and that is a big plus for me since in my past relationships none of the men I dated like to communicate their feelings.

Hopefully this shed more light into my situation.

[Tyger]

Howard: I must agree that talking with exes isn't such a good idea. Especially in situations where there are kids and/or nasty circumstances during a divorce. People get bitter, as I'm sure you have seen, and if they're hurt, they get nasty, and will see a new mate for their ex, especially a much younger one, a good chance for revenge.

As long as your perspective mate is honest about their mistakes, you really should accept their word. And, if you start asking friends about it, if they're still friends with an ex, they are going to let the ex know, and that could spell trouble with everyone involved.

I would say, as far as the amount of marriages this man has had, would concern me. Why so many, and why did they fail? How long were the marriages? Does he take responsibility for any of the failure?

I will say, I've been married twice (hubby being my second), and that my hubby has been married 3 times (me being the 3rd). We are the same age. My divorce happened because my ex cheated on me, and took advantage of me financially. Deadbeat. I know, also, that I can be hard to live with. But, after 4 yrs, enough was enough.

His first one was due to him impregnating his long-time GF, which, he thought all his life he couldn't have kids. And, lets face it, when you're in a 5 yr relationship, and don't think you can have kids, you stop using condoms. He's old-fashioned, and wanted to "do the right thing". He learned, sorta. They divorced because they both realized why they had gotten married, and there was no love between THEM, and that they were miserable. He married his second wife mostly because she was pregnant (by another man), but he felt like the child needed a father, and he also was in a low part of his life. The girl took advantage of that, and basically arranged the whole thing, and told him to show up, and he did. Dumbass, I know. She cheated on him, so he divorced her. He admits to his issues, and his problems. And, I have only caught him a couple of times, getting nasty about the first one (since they have a daughter together). But, we don't deal with her on a regular basis either. In talking with the mother of his first-born, having to do so because of their daughter, I have seen that he was right about her, though, basically she is nice, but still a bit bitter, and

The whole trust comment of still bothers me, though I can kinda see now, why he would say that. You've given BJ's but had expressed that you didn't like it. Also comparing the fact that you've had more responsive (and probably much younger) lovers. He may be feeling that you're going to leave him due to his probably ED.

My advice to the both of you is to continue counselling (which is GREAT that you're both doing! ), and think BEFORE you speak. The way something is worded and the tone that it's said in can't be taken back once said. And there can be negative consequences in a slipped up comment. I know that when I am mad, if I blurt out my first thought, wll, let's just say, it's not pretty.

Good luck!