The Girlfriend Is Afraid

[buddyB]

So here's the problem:

I want to continue to explore new things with my girlfriend of 2 years, and soon to be fiancee, but she is scared and uncomfortable with trying new things.

Here's the story:

I am the first guy that she has been with in any sexual way, other than kissing other guys that she dated. Basically, all we do is "dry hump" and she gives me hand jobs. I try to rub her clitoris with my hand and after a minute or less she grabs it and pulls it away. She says she just feels uncomfortable, so we do the same-old dry hump, which makes her orgasm every time. We are waiting until marriage to have sex and take much pride in that, but I'm afraid that if we don't work up to it, that when our wedding night comes she might feel uncomfortable being that sexual with me and we won't make love. She's asked if i want a blow-job and i refuse, which may sound retarded, but i don't want to take that next step until she is more comfortable with me touching her.

The question:

How can I make her more comfortable so that we can progress in our relationship and try fun, new things?

[Mikayla1]

Well, first off, can you ask her why she is uncomfortable? Perhaps she feels that having you touch her is closer to sex than she is comfortable with. Or, she feels that if she gets that close she won't be able to refrain. I always find couples who wait until marriage - but have oral sex (or handjobs) interesting, because in a sense, oral sex is more intimate - or a handjob is still sex. Please do not get me wrong, I applaud those who actually wait until marriage to do the deed - but I think if it were me I would have to draw a line between certain things because once I get to point B I am going all the way to Z!

Also, she may be afraid of the intenseness of the orgasm she will feel if she lets you touch her directly. Plus, do you know for sure that the dry humping is causing orgasm? Perhaps she is faking - and without seeing it for yourself, you might not know.

I assume that the reason to wait is a religious one - so she just may be dealing with those "morals" that she grew up with and can't rationalize doing more.

As far as weighing in on how sex will be after marriage - the whole concept of waiting is that you love this person SO much that the sex will instantly become wonderful no matter how it is (that is the theory) and if it isn't, you love each other so much that sex won't matter. That is the irony -cause we all know, SEX MATTERS!

I would reevaluate her and your reasons to wait and try to discuss it. If you do not want to wait, tell her - she may change her mind. If you love her and want to wait, pray that things will align for you after marriage!

Good luck!

[Tyger]

All of Mikayla's points are great ones. But, the simplest reason has been overlooked. Maybe your GF is just afraid of the unknown.

She may not really know what to expect when it comes to letting you touch her clit. Sometimes, when a woman becomes excited, the direct stimulation on the clit itself, can cause you to feel like you have to pee, in a way. It's hard to explain, but that's the simplest way to do so.

Some women can't have DIRECT pressure on the clit if they're over-excited. How's that for an oximoron? Some women get TOO sensitive, and just need stimulation around the clit to get off. Either way, it's clit stimulation.

Also, dry humping can be exciting. And if she is having a real orgasm, then it's due to clitoral stimulation (cloth rubbing against her clit and lips). There's a barrier-because of the material, it's safe, cuz she doesn't have to worry about you trying to ease your way inside her/her weakening and letting you do so. That may allow her to let herself go a bit more.

On the flip-side, I say IF she is getting off with dry humping, not to say that your GF is a liar, but from personal experience. Yes, there have been occasions, though not many, where dry humping was awesome, and I got off to it. But not every time. And I was experienced in sex and cumming. Women are natural born pleasers, and want to make everyone happy, and I'm sure you thinking that she's getting off every time with dry humping makes you feel good. And, if it's happening, then it should. Maybe I'm just overly skeptical.

[Tyger]

Howard is also right. There MAY be underlying issues. However, the best way to discover WHY she feels/thinks the way she does, is, in a non-confrontational way, ask her her views on sex. What she thinks about it. How she thinks it's going to be. What her fears and desires are.

All this should be d one before the wedding, and as kindly as possible. THEN, you can delve deeper. Just try not to over-react if you don't know some of the answers to those questions. And, if she answers "I don't know", read her tone. Some people say that to get out of answering truthfully. Some people use that phrase because they honestly don't know. I would suggest asking her to rephrase the "I don't know" response if she truly doesn't know, and also offer to rephrase the questions she is unsure about, or even explaining what might happen in different scenarios, just to get ground covered.

Good luck, and let us know how it's going.

[clynn20]

I think Howard maybe going a little overboard. However he still could be right on the money. You need to talk to her and try to get her to speak honestly with you. The further delve into sexual acts the harder it is to not have intercourse. I was determined for various reasons to be a virgin on my wedding night. It was partly religious and partly because so many women in my family were pregnant prior to marriage. Many of them using protection and I was not going to be one of them. My attitude never changed about my mother knowing that my parents were only married two weeks prior to my early arrival into this world, however my sister had a hard time dealing with the knowledge. I did not ever want to have to go through with my children what my mother and sister went through with each other. Luckly my now husband was as determined as I was and we never were weak at the same time. I have never viewed sex as dirty. I am more adventurous than my husband. I find myself being the one to introduce new things. Don't expect your girl to be so adventurous at the beginning. We have to learn about our bodies and what feels good to us and that can take some time for some women. Then again maybe what you are doing feels too good and if you continue she is afraid she would want to seal the deal.

I think that communication is the key.

[newvixen]

I think the general theme here is communication and I have to say I completely agree. However I want to share a similar experience my best friend is going thru. I introduced my best male friend and my best female friend a few years ago. I knew they would hit it off immediately and sure enough they did. They got engaged and my best girlfriend decide it was share time. I was surprised to find out she was still a virgin. I shared with her what knowledge i could and referred her to this website. Right before the wedding my best guy friend came to talk to me because he had concerns and thought since she and i had been best friends since we were 5 i might be able to help. He found that when they were together and things started getting intense everytime he tried to touch her clit she pulled away. Even though he knew she wanted to remain a virgin until they married he could understand why she shut him down everytime things reach that point. Feeling really bad because I hooked these two up and knew they really loved each other I told him I would talk to her. So a few day later after an intnse shopping day we stopped for lunch and I brought the subject up. After 30+ years as best friends she totally shut me out and closed off from me. On the way home she pulled the car over and burst into tears. After lots of crying she finally told me that as a child she had been abused by a family friend. Although penetration never occurred, he liked to fondle her and stimulate her clit. Not knowing what else to do I went home with her and we called an incest survivors hotline and they were able to get her in touch with someone who could help her. I am happy to say that they are married now and will soon be welcoming baby number 2.

I'm not trying to say that this is what your girlfriend is going thru, but just be open and understanding with her when you talk to her. I think this is an awesome site to learn from and there are some great people on here who share an give the best advice. Maybe you can get her to join you on here to hep her increase her knowledge. You know what they say...knowledge is power.

Good Luck!

Vix

[buddyB]

First, thank you for your replies and what not. Secondly, to update you all, I have talked with my fiance, and have given a lot of thought to many different things. When talking to her, a lot of her apprehension is the result of her inexperience, and her fear of not being able to stop. She was also raised not to really talk about sexual things, and the communication and comfort of talking about such things is not there. I am currently in school studying medicine, and have recently been trying to discuss some of the anatomy and what not with her so that she first feels more comfortable talking about sexual things. She has seemed receptive to that since it's not just sitting down talking about sex and blowjobs, but more of an educational discussion.

After the initial posting I did some thinking and have realized that she has made some huge steps in the direction of being more sexual. From doing nothing but kissing a guy for 20 years, and then working up to handjobs, something that she knew nothing about (which can be frightening --doing something without any knowledge of it). With that, I feel better that she is willing to take steps towards being more sexual, but i need to continue to remind myself that those steps need to be taken at her own pace, no matter how slow that may be. It's just a matter of time when she'll be comfortable with me to explore like I would wish to do.

To address some of the issues that you guys brought up...Howard, I do believe that counseling is something that could be beneficial in the future, and studying medicine, I am a firm believer in the success of counseling. In response to the girls comments about her truly orgasming in the way that I described...I was almost completely confident that she never faked it because I do look for the signs of orgasms...nipples hardening, face flushing, breathing (which can be faked), and other actions like a gradual climax, and talking a dirtier and telling me what to do and what feels good as she climaxes. In addition, when talking recently about some of these things, I did directly ask her if she ever faked an orgasm with me, and she said no.

Once again, thank you for your willingness to help!

-B