Hello

[MichelleM]

Hello All! I just joined yesterday and wanted to introduce myself. (I didn't just want to lurk in the background, reading everyone's thoughts but not posting mine)

Thanks to this website, I went out and bought my first sex toy. It's a Jack Rabbit Vibrator. I walked into the sex shop, all confident, it was very exciting and very out of my comfort zone. Holy Cow!! But the thrill was very exciting. I figured, "These people are in here too, who are they to judge!" Hurray for Me!

I am a 35 year old female. I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have a wonderful husband and we are like best friends. My sex life sucks!! When we first got together, we were like rabbits. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning unless I got a piece. Everyday, at least once a day for over a year. Then I had the great idea to get the birth control shot. Holy crow was that a mistake. I went from overdrive to reverse. So, needless to say, I stopped the shot. Too Late. We then decided to have a baby, a beautiful little girl that is now 6. (Let me just throw in that I also have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship). But my sex drive was never the same.

Fast forward....We've had so many discussions, disagreements, blah blah blah about the fact that I'm just not like I used to be. Now, to make matters worse, my husband has a slight case of ED. He always had a problem (not all the time, but it's like walking on egg shells.) If we have sex all the time, every day, he's fine, but when it cut down, that's when the problem got worse. Pretty much, if we ANY kind of foreplay, he won't be able to keep his erection long enough to climax. So, if he's ready, it's like wham bam thank you ma'am (did I just write that?). So, to add to my lack of sex drive, he has ED, so if I'm in the mood it's a struggle because I figure, "Do I even bother? Will it work?" Then I start to feel self conscience thinking that maybe he's not into me anymore. (When I'm in a normal frame, sitting at work, driving a car, and I think about his problem, I know that it's not my fault, but when we are in the moment, I can't help but to feel like I suck.) 2 years ago he went to the doctor and got a prescription. It worked, but he doesn't like to take it because it gives him body aches the next day. So, 2 years ago he got a prescription (never filled it), free samples (like 12 of them) and we still have about 9 left.

Side note: Sorry I'm writing so much, it's just lovely to get this off of my chest.

Now, the most interesting/terrible part of my whole story is that I'm a bad person. I figured out that I really like the thrill of the chase. I had an affair. I had an incredible extended weekend of just sex. No emotion, no lets talk, just sex! I couldn't get enough! I had to leave or I probably still would be in bed with the guy. That was about 2 1/2 years ago. We still e-mail and stuff but he lives on the other side of the country. Obviously my husband never found out or else I don't think I would still be married. While I'm airing my dirty laundry, I'll just tell you that it was his cousin that I fooled around with. I actually flew to CA to have my weekend trist. I told you that I'm a bad bad person.

Anway....as I said, we still keep in contact via e-mail. It's just basic, how's the wife/husband and kids and stuff. BUT, the other day we had the weirdest phone sex! I don't know if anyone has every done it this was before, but it was text/picture cell phone sex. He sent a pic, I sent a pic, a word here or there....Lovely!

Well, I mastrubated. I haven't done that since I was a kid. Seriously, I was one of those people that thought it was nasty etc. But, I couldn't help it. It was awesome.

Well, the good part of this story is coming. It really awakened me sexually. I think about sex again (that's how I found this website) I wanted to go out a buy a vibrator, I want to touch myself again. This weekend my husband and I went to NH (to see the race, GO Tony Stewart) and he must have gotten a vibe from me, I brought a plaid skirt, little shirt etc and we had amazing sex. (the next day I emptied his pants pockets to pack and I found the blister pack from his little pill but that was okay because he wanted to take it).

So, fast forward to yesterday, I bought my first toy, went home and waited for him to go to work (oh yeah, it also doesn't help our sex lives that he works M-F nights from 10 pm - 6:30 am) We only sleep in the same bed for 8 nights a month. After he left, I got the girls settled in bed and played with my new toy. How much Fun!!!

Now, I have to keep it hidden, but I would like to eventually play with it with him and get more toys. But that will be a different post.

Thanks for you time and this site, boy do I feel better!

[Valntyn]

Wow... where to start...

Well, first, let me say: Welcome to TooTimid! That was brave of you to tell us so much about you. Obviously, the more information we have about someone's situation, the easier it is for us to try to help. You've given us a lot of information, so be prepared for a lot of feedback.

Congratulations on your purchase of your new sex toy. That's always exciting! You mentioned that this website gave you the courage to get out there and get it, so yay for TooTimid! It's nice to know when TT helps people. Once you give the control of the toy over to your husband... *giggle* ... watch out, cuz you'll have LOTS more fun!

I'm going to TRY to steer clear of the "I'm a bad person" comments. Honestly, I don't have the right to agree or disagree to that. It's not my place. I will say that I don't think if you and your husband really were best friends, that you'd be cheating on him with his cousin, though.

My guess is that SOMETHING happened initially to cause your lack of interest in sex (be it depression, birth control, whatever). You found a way to pull yourself out of it (cause for celebration), but unfortunately, it probably wasn't in the best way.

Question: Did your husband have any ED issues PRIOR to your affair or do you think it might have come about because of finding out about it? If I read your post correctly, you had the affair 2.5 years ago, then your husband started having trouble 2 years ago, not too long after. If he found out about it, upset or hurt emotions could certainly lead to physical symptoms.

My second question is this: Do you REALLY feel bad about the affair, or do you just say you're a "bad person" because that's what you feel you should say? Honestly, and no offense meant, it doesn't sound like you're truly upset by cheating on your husband. I mean, you're STILL cheating on him with the e-mails and the phone sex. It doesn't have to be physically-touching to be cheating.

IF you're feeling bad and IF you want the affair to end, my personal opinion is that you need to have a sit-down with your husband, away from the bedroom, in a setting that's not related to sex for you two. I'd suggest not only telling him about your affair but also telling him that you won't be doing it again (AND REALLY DON'T). Expect that he's going to be hurt and angry and need time to think. Maybe he'll want to stay, maybe he won't. That's the chance you took when you first had the affair.

If he stays, I'd suggest getting some counseling for the two of you. Get back to REALLY being best friends and working on the relationship. Once you get back to having trust, you can move on to having fun in the bedroom.

Not sure if this is what you wanted to hear in a welcome note, but you packed a heck of an intro, so I thought I'd pack a heck of a response. Truly, welcome to TooTimid, and hopefully we can be of some help.

[thurisas]

Welcome to Too Timid. Well, you've got quite the history there. I expect there will be quite a bit of feedback. I'm sure you'll find many of the answers you're looking for here...and perhaps some you didn't want.

First off, congratulations on the new toy. It isn't that long ago that I myself could never have seen myself playing with toys along with my wife or alone. Becoming familiar with it yourself is probably a good idea anyway so that you can teach your husband what best suits you. Once he's in on the fun, though, watch out...there are times when I'm absolutely relentless with my wife.

As far as your husbands ED, many things can contribute. It just takes one time happening to start that downward spiral. He probably feels stressed every time it happens now and that affects things. This isn't an excuse, though, foreplay should still be happening. If done right, he won't be thinking about his problem and he just might pull through and rise to the occasion.. Each success will make him more confident and think about it less. Also, where he's working an overnight shift there are a couple of other things that can be causing his trouble. For starters, he sounds like he's trying to stay awake during the day on his off days. This can put a huge strain on the body and his system and could certainly cause troubles. Either psychological or physical, it's great he had the courage to go get himself checked out.

There was a time when my wife and I had a dry spell as well. I know how tough that can be and hopefully with your husbands odd schedule he's making the time to be with you as well. Its great that you pulled through even if your way of doing so wasn't ideal. On that note...it sounds like you've recently been starting to reconnect with your husband as recently as this weekend. As it stands, you're currently violating his trust. You're setting your relationship up to fail. If your husband is truly your best friend then you should probably lay all the cards on the table. The results may not be what you want, but it gives you a starting point to find your footing again. You say you enjoy the thrill of the chase, perhaps this should be they prey you chase and counseling is a good suggestion. This is assuming you even want the relationship to continue of course.

Anyway, feel free to ask questions, there are plenty of helpful, intelligent people here who can give a world of help. Once again, welcome to the board.

Thurisas.

[Tyger]

Well, first off, hello and welcome. Quite the intro, very helpful, open, and honest! We like that. It's very helpful, and, I'm sure, very therapudic for you as well.

I'm so thrilled for you, being able to go into a sex toy shop, look, and actually buy something! That's a HUGE step in spicing up your sex life!

As far as your cheating and thinking you're a "bad person". If you continually beat yourself up about it, it's going to affect you in most of your everyday life. It happened. The question is: now what are you going to do?

I agree with Val here, if your husband really is your best friend, why did you cheat on him, AND with his cousin? It's something only YOU can answer really. If you are feeling bad about the affair, then I would suggest that IF you absolutely HAVE to speak with his cousin, keep in family-friendly. No more phone sex, or sexual talk whatsoever. I mean, I don't want to sound rude, but if you feel so bad about the affair, why have phone sex with someone else? Do you think that if your husband had phone sex with someone else that you'd feel betrayed?

If your husband is your best friend, why can't you talk to him about your sex life? I mean, that's a major part of a relationship. However, being open and honest also has to be tempered with Non-accusationary statements. Instead of saying things like, "You never do this anymore" or "How come you have to", or "you make me feel".....say things like "I was wondering why we don't do this anymore", "I've noticed things like", and also, acknowledging your part in the problem is a big thing too. I mean, if you blame him for all this stuff, and how "he" made you feel, he's going to feel attacked, and it won't be overly constructive of a discussion.

Do you think that the timeline between your affair and your hubby's ED is close? Do you think that he may know? Telling him is probably the best course of action. But, be prepared for hurt, shame, and probably a lot of anger. Do you think you CAN stop seeing other people and having sex with other people that are not your husband? Do you want too? You need to really look at that. Not only to be fair to him, but to yourself as well.

What I didn't see in your whole post is that you LOVE your husband. That's a question, again, that only YOU can answer. And, you may actually have to sit back, and take a few days to answer that. If you want to make it work, you have to show a sincere effort, remorse, and apologize. When he reacts, only then can you figure out whether or not this marriage can be saved. I mean, if he wants out because you cheated, then, there's really not much you're going to be able to do.

7.5 yrs is a long time to be together. Kids are involved. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you HAVE to stay for the kids. Or stay with him out of guilt. That's not the way to live. People do outgrow each other. It happens. That is nobody's fault. But, if you don't communicate with each other, openly and honestly, then, how can you grow as a couple? People drift apart that way. Do you think that's happened? Do you want to fix it? Or do you think that it's hopeless?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the forums, shop the site, and have fun reading. I wish you the best of luck.

[MichelleM]

Wow, thank you so much for all of the help and tips.

This, hands down, has to be the best website in the world!

Where to start......

I loved all of the comments (good, bad, or indifferent). I read them over and over and really took a look at myself, my life, my husband.

His ED has always been an underlying factor. Even the very first time that we tried to have SI, it didn't work. My affair and his ED did not coincide. When I did have an affair we were actually on the brink of divorce (not that it justifies it). I do love my husband, I regret what did, but I did it. I have to live with it. But, I will never tell him about it.

He did go to a doctor for his ED, but in a half ass way. He went and said "Doc, I don't work all the time." And the doctor said, "Oh, do you like your wife?" And he said, "Yeah." And she said, "Okay, here is a sample pack and a script." That was it. He really should have taken it to the next step and got a serious check up. But that' the past.

The NOW is awesome. This website has completely changed us. It's only been a few days, but what a difference.

I came on here, got information about vibrators, the differences between them, and how to use them (you would think that it would kind of be self explanatory, but it doesn't hurt to get educated). I learned how explore myself, touch myself, look at myself. It's fun. It's fun and I was always taught that it was taboo to do. Then, I was reading different articles in the sex ed department and came across shaving. Read all about it, how to do it, etc. Went home that night and did it. I have alway toyed with the idea (a couple of years ago) but my DH told me that he does like it when women do that, so I never did. BUT, it was time for a change. Yesterday we both had off. He was sleeping and a slinked into bed with him. Mid-Day, could you imagine? We hadn't done that in years. Anyway, it started off nice, with hugs and scratches on the arm. Then I told him that I did something naughty. He got a look of concern, then I showed him. At first he was baffled and ask why. I told him that I wanted to be spicy! That it was time for a change, and since it was his birthday, I was making a mid year resolution. Well, that was it, 2 hours later, and his freshly shaved cocked, life is taking a turn. At that time we didn't have SI, we started to but his ED kicked it, but it wasn't a problem. When we were done I asked him, "I just want to make sure, you had fun? Even though you didn't cum?" We smiled and said, just pleasuring me was enough for him. The cool part about that is that we never really talked about that. Anyway, when we got home, later in the night, I told him to take a pill (I never would have done that before, we never really talk about the pill). He was kind of shocked, but went to his nightstand and did it. Fireworks!!

He said that it was best birthday ever. I can't thank this website and you helpful people enough.

Thank you!

[12GAUGE]

I see a couple of things going on here that is making this a mountain out of a molehill. I hope I am wrong, but this is what I am seeing between the lines.

First, both your husband and you are looking at sex as some kind of physical challenge, and not as Adult Playtime. He is becoming obsessed about his performance, and you are still frustrated because you are not as horny as you were 8 years ago. 8 years ago, you two were dating, and flirting hourly with each other. I suspect that stopped along with the daily sex. If you want to have sex daily, then you need to change what you think " Foreplay " is.

Foreplay does not begin when you take your clothes off. It begins with that first chance to smile at your spouse( lover) no matter how that " smile " is communicated. It involves flirting, complimenting, thanking and making salacious promises to your lover all day long. It involves actively planning a time each day, ( or two or three times a day!) to make love. I am talking about Adult Playing, that involves feeling happy, laughing, giggling, being outrageous, even " naughty ", and making your lover act and feel the same. Sex is a participatory Sport. You do get out of it what you put in.

When you first meet some one you are attracted to, its easy to fall " in LUST " with them. And then flirting comes easily, and most of the time you spend together involves finding the sustenance and energy to have more sex! Sex at the first is almost all a learning experience for both parties, no matter how much sex each has experienced with other partners. You spend those first months learning what your lover likes, and how to do it. You spend time teaching her how to pleasure you, and relax and enjoy her pleasuring.

News Flash: A healthy sex life needs these constant imputs. It needs flirting. NO, flirting doesn't have to stop because you married each other. Flirting's object is not simply to ' catch the prize ". Get that out of your head. Flirting is ---listen to this ____ FOREPLAY, with your clothes on, most of the time!!

It needs planning: When kids come along--surprise-- a pleasant by product of what you love to do most! -- you need to scedule your day with time for the two of you to play. You need a date night, or three every week. It can be a date " Nooner " if your schedules require, but the two of you have to spend time together, and that is only accomplished by planning, together.

It needs Interest in trying new things, sexually speaking. You can't know what is in his mind, and he can't know what is in your mind, unless you talk. Get away from the house, and the bedroom, orwhere else you usually make love, or have sex, to talk about sex. I recommend finding a restaurant where you can go between their rush periods. If you ask the maitre-d', or waitress to seat you away from others, and leave you alone unless you signal her you need something, you can have a quiet conversation about your sex life in a neutral place. There have to be some rules to these conversations, as they so often degenerate into name calling. Don't do that. Here are the rules.

1. Alternate asking questions.

2. Any question about sex is permitted.

3. The person asked a question will answer truthfully. " I don't know " is a truthful answer to many questions, and neither of you will be afraid of saying so, nor will you treat such an answer in a negative manner. " I don't know " is an invitation for both of you to begin another journey of discovery, not pick another fight on who is more stupid than the other!

4. No negative comments, gestures, facial expressions, etc. allowed.

5. The questions and answers continue until both partners have exhaused the questions they want to ask.

6. Plan to have such a discussion at least once a month, as your interests and questions evolve as you experiment, and gain more experiences. As you age, your interest in doing certain sexual things you would not be caught dead doing when you are young also change. Sex should not be predicatable, EVER. It suppose to be fun. You are suppose to be engaged in Adult Play with your spouse, or lover. Changing what you do, how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it is all part of the excitement.

Now, for the killer: I suspect that your husband thinks that sex is over when he climaxes. Has he never had more than one climax with you in your life? Can he possibly believe he is good for only one orgasm? Perish the thought.

Truth: Men are good for several orgasms, provided they are in good health, not drunk, not taking drugs for depression, or heart problems, or many other things. They also need to be rested. Role him over sometimes and get on top. It allows him to catch his wind, and rest, while you get the pleasure of controlling him, and the rhythm of the love making.

Both of you need to understand that each of you has to be both a teacher and a student. As a teacher, you have to instruct him how to Pleasure you. You have to show him how to pleasure you. The purchase of that vibrator is a great new start for you to learn what pleasures you, where your Erogenous zones are-- all of them-- and how to make them work to give you orgasms. Once you learn about yourself, you can pleasure yourself and tune your brain to listen to the screams from your clit and other E-zones again, just like before the kids came. Do your kegels, to tone up those muscles, and in the process, tune up the nervous system lines from your brain to your pussy! Trust me, doing Kegels regularly will help you a lot. As a student you really do have to listen to him, and ask him to show you what he likes. There is a difference between" pleasuring him " and " pleasing him ". The same for him " pleasuring you ". If he does not know the difference, that should be a topic for your conversation about sex.

Sex should not EVER BE, and can not be allowed to be a " sleep aid ". Many couples do this, particularly when there is a difference in schedules. Just don't do it, EVER. If he is horny and excited tonight, he will be even more horny in the morning after he has rested. Nail him in the shower. I am not joking here. Morning sex( no matter when " morning " occurs) has done more to help people on this sight regain the fire in their marriages than anything else I recommend.

Finally, he has to understand that not only does foreplay begin with a smile and flirting all day long, with notes sent, text messages, phone calls, greeting cards, flowers, (Yes, you have to send him flowers at work telling him what is waiting for him when he gets home, and be very graphic!) when he is away from the home, and you are home with the kids, or at your job, but it also does involve lots of physical foreplay before sexual intercourse. There are cockrings that he can use to keep his erection, and he can improve everything by also doing his Kegels daily. If he has gained weight, he needs the exercise having sex a couple of times a day will give him. And he needs a diet, and exercise program he can get into to lose those pounds. For every 30 lbs. he loses, his cock will be one inch longer! A doctor told the audience that on an Oprah Winfrey show a while back. I think the lost weight simply takes the tire around a man's belly away, and exposes existing cock length that has been hidden from view by his extra fat, but maybe there is something to this, also.

I recommend that a man give his wife( lover) at least 2-5 orgasms with manual and oral sex before even attempting sexual intercourse. If he cums ' too soon ", ( I don't know what that means in a marriage. He's not having sex with a hooker who is charging him by the climax, so who cares if he is so excited that he climaxes early?) just work on getting that next erection and then go back to having Sexual intercourse.

Now, this is not carved in any stone tablet, but its a nice thing for men to keep in mind as most men are too anxious to get their cocks wet, and so often, women are just not excited enough to be able to orgasm suring SI. If she has several orgasm before SI, her genitals will be a engorged with blood as fully as his are, her breasts will be super sensitive, and every nerve ending in her body will be sensitive to the slightest touch.

It is during foreplay that a man can show his lover that every kiss he gave her on the mouth simply replicates what and how he kisses her on her labia, and clitoris. Do that on a frequent basis, and she will have orgasms from just kissing her on the mouth, sometimes.

My second wife was a wall flower girl in high school. She was the artist that was called on to do all the scenery-design and painting- but was not invited to the cast party after the school play was done. She was tall, and overweight, and very reserved. When we met, she had been saved from all that by a very smart woman who was her roommate at college for 3 or more years, and was old enough to be her mother. Arlene pulled her out of herself, showed her that she was not ugly, taught her to stand tall, be outgoing, taught her abouty sex, made sure she got laid one night, and turned her into a much more beautiful person. Her smile can stop wars. Her eyes just simply sparkle when she smiles. When we began dating, I was simply outrageous. I found any excuse to brush against her breasts, in order to make her nipples get hard. They would stick right out through her Bra, and she at first was very self conscious about it. I finally got to the point where I kidded her about them all the time, and suggested that she stop worrying about what other people think. As long as she was enjoying being with me, and they popped up whenever I was around, it didn't matter what other people saw or thought of her. She was in love, and so was I. We just never hid it from any one. She got so tuned into me that one day she admitted to me that her nipples would get hard whenever I called on the phone, and that if someone else answered the phone at work, and then told her I was on the phone, they would pop out before she could even pick up the phone. I always liked her breasts, and her nipples, and did not hesitate to tell her. And she knew I was making a sincere compliment. I was not doing it to get laid : We made love moring and night daily, and more often on weekends if we weren't doing some other planned activity that kept us withour clothes on. I told her because I really loved her, and loved her body, and loved the fact that it reacted so well to just seeing me! Talk bout stroking my ego! Wow! She very quickly stopped worrying about her nipples sticking out, and would just laugh at people who made a comment to her about it. She would say, they do that when I am around my bf ( r husband), smile, and then change the subject. She refuse to allow others to try to embarrass her for a natural reaction she could not otherwise control. She simply would no longer give other people the power to make her feel bad about herself.

I tell you this true story because I did not set out to make this happen. Frankly my first marriage was a disaster, and I was bound and determined to make my next serious relationship better than the first. I didn't even know that women had the ability to get that excited without physical contact! It just happened, and we had fun learning how it occurred. She enjoyed the constant physical touching( always more caresses than anything hard and almost never anything that would cause pain-- she was not into it, and didn't deserve that after how she had been treated by other people early in her life.)

Now that I know how it happened, and what kind of trust and love is needed for it to happen, I can try to do it again with another lover, if I find someone who is into me as much as my second wife was. These are the kinds of " successes " couples can exerience when they communicate about everything sexual, spend lots of effort on flirting both orally, in writing, and of course, physically. The reward for all this, beyond the obvious fun of being turned on, and excited about making love to your spouse as soon as possible, is that love making becomes just that, and not just screwing or " having sex". Time stands still because when you are making love, it is no longer important. Nothing is more important than the time you share with your best friend, lover, and partner. You spend the time just enjoying all the feelings of sex. The touches, the fullness, the gentle movements, the strong movements, and rush of blood to your head, the gasping for air, the giggles, the laughter, the pressure of her diaphragm when she laughs, on your cock, and on her clitoris that she did not expect. If you both have done your kegels, you can sit rock still and just flex those muscles to make your lover happy, and heading for another orgasm. Women can learn to actually milk a man's cock with their labia and pussy, without moving their hips, or the rest of their body. He can get her to climax just flexing his muscles and " bumping " her labia and clit with his cock. He can learn how to give her multiple orgasms, ( see Mikayla article on that subject here in the Sex. Education section. ) and he can learn to have " dry orgasms", where he does not ejaculate, but still has that explosion in his head. But all this takes time, and effort, with both people working to do it better and better.

So, my suggestion has to be that both of you need to sit down and get a new education in what sex is all about. Read the sex ed articles here. That is a very good beginning. Then read the posts under all the topics here on the forum. You will learn so much more. By all means, buys some toys. And DVDs. You can't go wrong with the instructional videos or dvds by the BetterSex.com people. They are for sale here at the best price you can find anywhere. The other sex ed videos are by Nina Hartley and tend to be more pornographic than educational but are still worth viewing. And have that talk about sex. And repeat that " date " often.

Have fun.

Howard

That Howard...now he's a right smart feller by yiminy.