Boyfriend Feels Inadequate!

[MystryKitten]

Most of you may have read my post in the 'ask a sexpert' section about me tensing up during sex which made it uncomfortable for both my bf and I. Thankfully, this isnt the case anymore as this weekend I have learned to relax a lot more, and I think now my body has gotten used to intercourse, and learned to enjoy it a lot more. (yay me!)

The problem NOW is that I can't orgasm during sex without the help of my boyfriends hands or something stimulating my clit.

Last night, after a long love making session (I had almost orgasmed while he rubbed my clit, and he didnt orgasm at all because he had been trying so hard to get me off that he lost interest) he lay next to me after taking off the condom and said

"It almost seems pointless."

I reply "What seems pointless? Sex?"

"Yeah. I mean if you cant get off without the help of a hand or a toy whats the point?"

"Oh Baby! Its not pointless! I enjoy sex, I love the thrusting and all the movement and knowing that YOUR being satisfied, you saw how relaxed I'am now."

"Yes you did a very good job this weekend."

"....ya know about 85% of woman need DIRECT clitoral stimulation during sex. Period. Its just how it is....But you want me to be able to get off with just your penis right?"

"Yeah. I mean I can do stuff for you before and after sex, but its not the same as when its during sex."

"Does that make you feel inadequate?"

"A little."

"Oh sweetheart, its not you! Ya know I think we just have to find whats best for the both of us as far as what postions get us off best and things...maybe we just need to expirement more. Ya know Im not the only one with this problem. A friend of mine has been having sex with her bf for a good 6months now and shes never orgasmed, but she doesnt care about that! She just loves the fact that she can be so close and intimate with her boyfriend."

"*shrugs*"

"Im sure it just takes practise."

"I guess..." We cuddled a little and then I asked him if he was okay and he said he was just frustraited. 'At me?' I asked. 'No not you. Myself.' I kissed him and told him its not his fault, and to not be so hard on himself. Then we went to sleep.

I don't understand why its so imporant to him that I get off with his penis! Ok, so I do unsterand a little of why he is feeling how he is, but I mean as long as Im finding away to get off he should be happy right? I love his penis inside me, it definatly improves orgasm and makes me feel so close to him but no position we have tried seems to come in contact with my clit! We have tried missionary, cowgirl, backwards cowgirl, and a few variations of doggie stlye. Sometimes in missionary it seems the penis is getting more direct contact, but its never consistant contact. So I just dont think that it really is possible for me to get off with just intercourse alone. I need more.

So I dont know how to reasure my boyfriend that its not his fault that Im not getting off with his penis. I dont want him to feel frustrated and inadequate because then it also makes ME feel bad! Him telling me that 'sex seems pointless' made me feel like I'm not a very good lover. I've tried to make him understand its not his fault, but no matter what I say it doenst seems to help. Am I doing anything wrong? How can I better reasure him?

[Mikayla1]

With all due respect, why do you have to reassure him? You told him that women need clitoral stimulation, you are enjoying sex, you are having foreplay - why should HE care if you have to touch yourself to cum? This has NOTHING to do with his adequacy as a male or a sexual partner!

I realize that you are both young, and that especially younger guys have this thinking of: "my cock should be ALL she needs!" The fact is, a cock is wonderful, stimulating, erotic, filling and other things -but for most women, especially those new to sex, it is NOT all that is required for orgasm.

I am not saying you have to be rude to your boyfriend, or that you have to dump him - but I am saying that every woman gets off differently and every woman likes different things. He is too young to know how to please EVERY type of woman, so he needs to do what it takes to get you off, and vice versa. Have foreplay, have oral sex, pleasure each other and have fun. When it comes to sex, play with your clit! Reassure him by TALKING to him during sex. Say things like, "oh honey, you feel so good inside me, hmmmm, you are soooo hard. Rub my clit baby, make me cum with that hard cock." If he refuses or has trouble concentrating while he fingers you during sex - YOU DO IT! Most men, in my experience, love to see their woman fingering herself, holding herself open for them. I never have had complaints during sex when I masturbated while they fucked me.

He needs to realize that he IS enough and that you just need the clitoral stimulation. Tell him that his penis is like the clitoris - the head is the most sensitive part - imagine if HE didn't get to have stimulation on the head of his penis! The clitoris is your penis. While vaginal stimulation is yummy, clitoral stimulation WITH penetration is orgasmic!

Good luck!

[Tyger]

WADR, again, agreeing with Mikayla, you're both young, and he's probably a mix of inexperience, as well as egotistical. Some younger women do the injustice of lying to their lovers, saying how GOOD/AWESOME/FULLFILLING they are sexually, when, in fact, they're not.

Yes, there is a high percentage of women (me being amoungst them) that NEED clitoral stimulation to get off. Does that mean I don't get off each and every time without it? No, there are a few times that just having my hubby inside me does it. But, I'm a hard woman to please, don'tcha know!

Seriously, you've explained yourself to him, and now, you can tell him, that since you are so new to sex, it's going to take you a while to really KNOW what is going to do it for you, and what you may need help with, as well as what doesn't work at all. Just because he has a dick, doesn't mean it's the instant magic orgasm wand for every girl out there. It takes time and practice to get to know your CURRENT lover's wants and desires. What gets them off, so to speak. For example, I was with this one guy that LOVED to have me bite him, and I mean HARD enough to leave teeth marks. Got him every time. The first time I bit my hubby (when we were dating) too hard, he yelped and jumped back like I was rabid or something! It's personal preferences.

So, while you both need to relax, and take time to have fun with each other, he needs to stop stressing so much, and you don't need to stress on reassuring him so much. You'll get there. And, so what if you need a little clitty rubbin'? If you can have a real orgasm so early into the game, that's a GREAT beginning!! I mean, some women take YEARS to learn how to achieve the BIG O

[MystryKitten]

Just thought that I should add in that Im the sixth girl he has slept with, and that he is five years older then me. Dont know if that makes any difference but I dont think its inexpirence, persay, but Tyger I think you are right in saying that some of the girls probably lied about their sexual satisfaction. Also, a couple of the girls were more expirenced then he was and probably already knew how to get satisfied to the fullest.

I must be the first girl to tell him I'm not getting off during intercourse though, or else he wouldnt have brought this all up.

I will most definatly take your tips Howard, and probably email my bf the important parts. I dont care if he doesnt want the tips, hes getting them! lol.

He difinatly needs to realize I love his penis, but that its not the only thing I need to order to orgasm.

Thanks to all three of you for your help, I've taken your advise to heart!

~MK

[SpiderQueen14]

I am having my own issues right now BUT like you once a time ago could cum with out stim. on my clit UNTIL my Hubby made me cum. I remember the first time it scared the SH** out of me cause I said WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! LOL and the position I was in was doggy but with a pillow under me by my tummy face down A** up ok he hit my G spot I guess and that was it I came.. and do you I released something at the point I was the one All these year with the other men that I was with I was the one stopping me from cumming with only them.. I was like HOLY SH** its been me.. even though you may think no way I want to give control its like something inside of us that doesn't let go.. Well at that moment that my husband did that.. it was like I lost control and had no choice in letting go it was so wonderful I cried and he was like HUH and I kissed him and I started jumping up and down and said WOW BABE you unlocked Pandora's box... and he has been able to make me cum in any position but if we do it Doggie OH its like WHOA baby..

Hope my advice helps you in some way.. (HUGS)

[pappyld04]

It looks like the major problem is his ego. Anyone who pops of with "what's the use", has no clue what he's doing. You can either teach him or dump him, your choice. For some reason men think that women can come just by penetrating. Like that's all they must do. I've heard of some girls who went decades without orgasm. This is because women are normally not vocal about it. Congratulations on the fact that you are willing to express this to your partner at least. Once your man gets over his ego maybe he will learn that stimulating you to orgasm is not difficult. This can be done even while penetrating. I find that doggy style is one of the best ways to do this. You can reach around and stimulate her and help her to climax while still enjoying his own pleasure. Hope this helps you!!! BTW, there is no reason that you cannot touch yourself also. If your partner isn't too much of a prude. Watching a woman rub herself while penetrating is very sexy and will give him an idea of what it takes to make you cum also. There is nothing wrong with any of this so you just relax and enjoy the sensations. Eventually you may achieve orgasm without stimulation but there is nothing wrong with helping it along for now.