Help! He Has No Desire!

[Susan Sumner]

I'm new here, thought I would make my first post.

My SO and I have been together for 17 months now. Neither of us like to start relationships with sex, so we were OK there. After a month or so, we started fooling around, but he made a point to say that 1.) he doesn't believe in "casual" sex and 2.) He takes a long time to get off, so he doesn't like to do anything if he has work in the morning (he gets up really early). This is fine, I can settle for that... but it has been 17 months now! I don't qualify as a "casual" encounter, there have been plenty of nights when he hasn't had to get up early, and, frankly, I have a high libido! B.O.B. just isn't doing it anymore. It has been 3 months at least since he has touched me without going through clothing. The most he has done is get me hot and bothered, maybe gotten me off a couple times with his hand, then rolled over and gone to sleep. I'm sorry, this is not enough. He got angry when he thought I had slept with someone else behind his back, yet he still won't do it. He plays on his computer ALL the time, surfing and whatnot. I woke up at 5 am last weekend and caught him surfing porn and masturbating. I don't care if he likes to look at it... but look at me too! What kind of worried me was that all the women in the porn were thinner and had much smaller breasts than me. I'm sorry, but my figure can't change that much, and it shouldn't have to. Does anyone have any suggestions? Help! I'm frustrated!

[Susan Sumner]

He probably isn't as young as you are assuming. I like older guys - he's in his mid 30's. As far as getting him to talk, I will try the neutral ground out somewhere, because in the apartment just isn't working. To get him to talk at all means I often need to sit on his lap so he can't turn back to the computer. Then he complains because it's harder for him to read blogs, posts, e-mail, whatever. My getting pissed off over this doesn't help matters either, because I cry when I'm pissed. And the frustration is making irritated, so I'm becoming snappish.

Part of the problem is I am his first gf in 6 years. I expected problems for awhile - he really didn't know how to treat an SO anymore. You would think a year or so would have fixed that. We have several of the same interests and several of the same friends and aquaintances. When another guy makes a move on me, he gets a little jealous (nothing overbearing, but it's nice to know he's there). We have been sleeping in the same bed for over a year and instead of escalating, the foreplay is going down the drain. I love snuggling, and he's great for that, but I'm sorry, I need more.

[thurisas]

I agree with what Howard has said, but a couple of things popped out at me in your original post. The big one is you say he thought you cheated on him. That seems to be a trust issue in a very big way. If he doesn't trust you, the relationship is going nowhere as it is until you get that problem rectified. The other thing is his casual sex comment. Did you ever clarify what casual sex meant to him? Is it a one night stand? Is it sex outside of marriage? Is it sex that doesn't involve creating a baby? Religion has mucked up a fairly natural and lovely act to being evil and dirty in many people's minds. Where does he stand on this?

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

DING....DING....DING.....

My alarm bells are ringing LOUD and CLEAR! Listen, it is not uncommon for a guy to actually want to wait to have sex - my hubby and I waited longer than I had ever waited with any guy before (3 months) and it was well worth it. Some guys want to wait, but OVER A YEAR? Um, hon, that man either has ED (and it is a closetted issue) or he is not that into you.

It is not impossible nor rare for a guy to be into you for "companionship" and friendship - without wanting to have sex with you. Or, as I have already mentioned, ED could be the culprit here. Many men have ED or Performance anxiety when they have sex with "live" people, but they can easily get off during masturbation. The fact that he surfs the internet looking at porn and masturbating tells me that he NEEDS the sexual release and is looking for the "quick fix."

Listen, I have been with men who have had to get up at 3:00 am for work and they still wanted to fuck me at 12:00 am. Men who want to have sex - WILL HAVE SEX - period! I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but like my co-posters, I think that honesty and a good, solid opionion serves us right sometimes.

I definitely think you need to (1) think about this relationship and whether you want to be in it (2) get naked, get into bed, sit on him and say "do me!" and if he doesn't - DING, DING, DING! (3) talk to him about this issue, and tell him how you feel about it. You have to stick up for yourself honey - and NOW is the time. Do not end up wasting more of your (or his) time NOT having sex - or staying in a relationship that is not going to work!

relationships are a two-way street - and they take work from both parties. Try to see if he is willing to put in the work. I submit that he may not....

[cdwaldorf]

GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT. I sent you a personal message about what my dear friend with through. She stayed with a man for 10 years and never once did they have penetrating sex with her. She felt worthless and unattractive. Waiting is fine but the fact that you have been together for 17 months sleeping in the same bed and he isn't all over you is a big warning sign. I am sorry but there is no normal heterosexual male that can lay next to a woman for 17 months and not want to have sex. GET OUT before your start believing that it is you. I promise you that he is the one with the problem and not you.

[Tyger]

Ditto to what everyone else said. Pretty much you'll have to put your foot down, and tell him how it's gonna be, what YOU need, and that you know he has desire! Tell him what you caught him doing. Then, make him make a move or at least a decision. It may be hard, but, life's too hard to sit around for some guy to just use you as a maid and bedwarmer!