Relationship Problems

[Boooster]

I've read over this forum quite a bit and I think it's a great that people can come here with their problems and questions... I need some advice with my relationship. I have been with this woman for a little over four months, and it seems our relationship has its ups and downs. I am sort of a "late-bloomer" when it comes to sex/relationships. I have been with women before her, very rarely reached orgasm, and never really felt what I thought I should have (one-time deals, or short flings). She is the first woman I have ever been in love with, and I don't feel like I can communicate as well as I would like, and it might be hindering our relationship from progressing.

The last few weeks we have had a chance to spend quite of bit of time together (I have moved closer to her, unrelated, and we see each other a few times a week), which is wonderful, but we have some problems that I know we can get past, but we dont seem to be able to. We are both very affectionate and sensual with each other, but it seems like our sex drive is mismatched. I can't seem to get enough of her.. I love cuddling with her, kissing her, caressing her; lying together in bed is so amazing for both of us. It seems though that when I try to take the next step, alot of times she isn't very receptive. Part of the problem may be about her difficulty climaxing... She tells me she has never climaxed with another guy before, so anytime she does she basically masturbates and I'll send my fingers right before she finishes. In past relationships she used to put her pleasure behind the other persons', and just got used to being disappointment sexually. I have tried to pleasure her manually and orally, and a few times I have come quite close, but she pushes me away... We have talked about it, and we agree that there is some sort of block she has put on herself. It is very frustrating for me, because I want to pleasure her so much; I don't feel like she enjoys sex as much as I do, and that might be a cause for lower sex drive.

In a given night I will usually orgasm once. When I want more she doesn't seem interested and I can see that she is uncomfortable if I try to touch her or initiate something else, so we usually end of cuddling, and my penis will be up for half the night. The two times I decided to masturbate she got hurt/offended because she felt like she wasn't satisfying me... what can I say to that? She does satisfy me when we are together, but my sex drive is so much higher than hers. I dont want to lie, but telling her the truth will make me feel and sound selfish, and just end up hurting her more. I know I am not selfish but I am always left wanting more.

I don't know what to do regarding her orgasms... I try to stimulate her but it's difficult to learn what she likes; even asking her doesnt really help (she says she likes everything I do, and thats it's her not me). She also doesn't like me looking at her pussy, so it's hard to see what she likes; she says it makes her uncomfortable and she feels like it's private. She says I am good for her, and I believe her, but I hate that I can't bring her to orgasm. Also, a little while ago we were typing dirty, and we were saying some pretty dirty stuff... at some point I said to her next time I see her I want to her shave everything off and I want to go down on her in the car (she was picking me up) and she flipped out. I mean really flipped out. For me it was part of the game, but ever since she doens't let me go down on her... yesterday when I tried she told me what I said made her feel humiliated and she doesnt feel comfortable when I do. I told her and she knows that she took it way out of context (I hit a sensitive spot with that remark without intending to), and I don't know how to make her feel comfortable with me down there again... She loves it when I do, and I love pleasuring her (and I find it a huge turn on doing it too). She keeps telling me she is the one with all the problems and that she needs to work on them... I want to work on them together but most times when I broach the subject she pushes me away and says she doesnt want to talk about it, and when I push that we should talk about it it leads to the cold silence.

She also said something interesting to me last night... first of all she will joke around sometimes about leaving me, and I've told her I don't like it (she has stopped)... it's not that she isnt happy with me or doesnt love me, just her way of joking around (or maybe I am fooling myself). But seriously, she is happy with me, she just has a tendency to say things like that because thats how she talks. Until last night. We were lying in bed talking and she got silent on me and she shared some things with me. She told me that for many years she was with guys for the wrong reasons, and she became used to being disappointed with relationships. She has always left her partners, never been dumped. And she told me that she has thought about leaving me sometimes, but then she realizes what that what actually mean, not having me in her life, not seeing me, and she realizes she is just being stupid and having those thoughts because she'd be doing me a favor and I deserve better(more or less her words). I was hurt of course, and ended up going to sleep a little while later. I woke up and she told me that she loved me and not to listen to what she says sometimes, she isnt herself. That what we have is the best thing she has ever had.

It seems like everytime we are together one of us ends up getting hurt. I'd say more than half of the time when we say our goodbyes there is something wrong by that point. One, or both of us are hurt and it just makes the rest of the day (for me at least) too reflective on what went wrong and why. Just this morning we got up and she said she would make breakfast when I pulled her back to bed and said breakfast could wait a little. She just fake-smiled said "unbelievable" and went to make breakfast. I asked if anything was wrong and of course she said no. Silent breakfast, she went back to bed complaining about a stomach ache from her period (which hasnt started yet is supposed to any minute). I asked again if what I said insulted her and said no, but she stayed in bed for three hours, not reacting to anything I did (trying to cuddle), so I gave up. She got up, showered, and left, and here I am typing this confused as hell as to what this relationship is (she just now sent a text message saying she's sorry, she isn't herself lately). I one time saw her as a very possible future wife but the way things have been I don't know. I love her so much but it seems like I am in pain more often than not over us. Maybe this is just her reaction to finding something real for the first time, or my finding someone I love for the first time, and it's just a phase, but let's say I find myself alone thinking sometimes... I don't want to give up on our relationship at all; our good times together are so amazing and I've never been happier... I just need some advice on how I can go about getting her to open up and talk to me, and what I can do to help her. Thanks for reading all this, I dont think I've ever written anything this long in english before (not my first language).

[cdwaldorf]

There is a lot of information to decifer but the main issue is that she is insecure in herself. When someone says that you deserve better or that she doesn't want you to look at her pussy b/c it is private means that she doesn't have any self worth. You have to ask yourself if everything stays the same in your relationship will you be happy? She is trying to find herself and being in a relationship may not help her. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I really think both of you are feeding off of the negativity in this relationship. You want to make her happy and be her Savior. She just wants to sulk and find someone who agrees with everything that she believes . She is already sabatoging the relatioship b/c she believes that she is worthless. This is my opinion but the best thing to do is to not take this relationship any further. I have been through exactly what she is feeling and I know from experience and this relationship will never work. There is a lot of maturing and maybe counseling that she will have to go through. This is not what you want to hear but this has been my experience.

[thurisas]

I will agree with pantygirl. Your girlfriend needs to find some confidence in herself before your relationship can progress. The problem is that while she may say she needs to change, she hasn't decided that she is going to yet. Until she does, you'll just be spinning your wheels and pretty well staying in the same place. The question is, why does she feel the way she does and how is she going to help herself. Are you willing to wait around until she does...if she does?

One thing I would like to add is that pushing your SO for sex sometimes has a backfiring effect. You could be making her less and less interested if you are pestering her all of the time. Both of you need to remember that sex is supposed to be fun. This is your time to play with one another and the only responsibility either of you have is to pleasure the other. Just like anything else, if you're pushing it too much it becomes far less fun and far too much like work.

I would suggest that both you and your SO read some of the articles Mikayla has written about mismatched sex drives(click on the Sex Education tab under the Too Timid banner at the top of this page.) There is tons of useful information in her articles that apply directly to many situations.

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

I would also suggest you read my articles - I have written one about Mismatched Sex Drives that you may find helpful.

In addition, I would echo the other sentiments that suggest she is insecure about herself - she definitely is. The problem with women (or some men) like this is that oftentimes it takes A LOT of work to get them to become comfortable. I mean, A LOT of constant reaffirmations and assurances, loads of praise - and usually, this doesn't work either because it has to come from INSIDE her and not from someone else.

I would submit that something has happened to her in her past to make her feel this way. You indicate that she has left other lovers in the past before they could leave her. Well, this indicates a VERY low self esteem and issue with her self worth (these two are distinct) and as an issue, she feels unworthy to have love.

The sex is linked to the love issue. Especially when you say she gets offended when you masturbate to finish off your erections. She feels that she is letting you down and isn't enough. Another example of her feeling unworthy. It wouldn't matter what you did or didn't do, she would still feel this way. It is ingrained in her inner self - and will take much to rework.

I am thinking that you might want to give this relationship SERIOUS consideration. If you really want to put forth THIS much work, then maybe, if not, you may want to walk away before you get too involved - if you aren't already. Think about it, we all have a right to be happy. Even her, and maybe no one can make her happy - or, perhaps she needs someone to stand by her. Find out what your heart says!

[ToyQueen]

I am wondering if she has been in an abusive relationship, or was molested at some point. This could affect her self esteem, self image, and her sex drive. The point that really made me think of this was when you said she is refusing to allow you to look at her pussy, and doesn't want oral sex. HUGE red flags in my book.

[Tyger]

WOW! That's a lot of info!! And a lot of stuff for one person to deal with.

First, you have to know that, unless she's willing to love herself, and believe in herself, there's not much you can really do to aleviate her low self-esteem. All the other responders have pointed out some possibilites and some ways to help, so I won't repeat those.

However, I will repeat that you may want to think about the relationship you're in. I'm not saying it's doomed to fail, because, if there is true love there, then, of course, it's possible to overcome. But, it will take A LOT, and I do mean A LOT of work. This woman is what I would call high maintainance. Some people think that that phrase means that a woman needs pampering, money, manicures, and salons. But, to me, it also may mean that there are a lot of emotional needs that are at an extremely high level.

My ex was high maintainance. Trust me, it was draining. Constantly having to affirm that he was a good lover, I loved ONLY him, I thought he was sexy, blah blah blah. It was a one-way street. I rarely got any kind of positive feedback or compliments from him, unless I asked directly. It really was tiring, and hard on our relationship.

She sounds like a very one-sided person, who just wants someone to go with whatever she wants, and doesn't really concern herself on what her partner wants or needs. That in itself would make me walk out the door. I mean, is she an adult that wants a relationship, or is she a small child that needs to be taught and taken care of? In an adult relationship, it's a 2 way street. THere is a fair amount of giving and taking. A great lover is learned, not born! A great lover has, not only a willingness to please, but to teach their lover how to please them as well. Where is that in your relationship?

Best wishes to the both of you.