I Don't Need Instructions

[cumngetme]

This is my first post, so be gentle.

I love sex with my husband, but more and more he just keeps talking and telling me what to do. I have been screwing this man since 1972, I do think that I know what I am doing.

It has gotten to the point that I don't want to have sex anymore with him. He really kills the mood. I like dirty talk and really dirty talk with actions, but all he says is "suck it" "suck it", like I don't know "IT'S" there.

He also rubs my clit until it is uncomfortable and I have to literally shove him away. By then I am mad and don't want anything to do with him.

I have told him what I like and what I don't, I have also showed him. He seems to only hear me when we are having make-up sex. I know that he knows what excites me and what turns me off, but he keeps doing the latter.

And lately I have noticed that he doesn't even want sex anymore. We are becoming room-mates instead of lovers. I feel really hurt and confused about all of this.

Anyone have any suggestions or comment?

[thurisas]

It seems to me that you two really need to sit down and have a heart to heart in a place outside of the bedroom where you're not under the pressure of the moment. Communication is the key to any relationship and it sounds like it is breaking down. You really need to get some communication going.

It's great that you've been having sex since '72, but honestly I think you'll find that there is always something more to learn about your partner. The next time he's telling you to do something, feel free to stop and ask him to clarify exactly what it is he's looking for. This can do one of two things...it could educate you or let him know that every time he tells you how to go about the job of pleasuring him, there will be an interruption. This is a two way street though, he has to listen to you. If he's not learning from you and doing his own thing, ESPECIALLY if it's taking the fun out of it for you, stop him and do it yourself letting him know he can come back when he wants to play on your terms.

Sex is supposed to be fun and it sounds like it isn't so much so for you. Changes have to be made and it starts with two way communication.

Thurisas.

[HornToad]

I find that when I am lacking something from my wife, and if I get frustrated and angry over it, it does nothing to help the situation. I have found that if I can step aside from all of the thing "I" want, and start looking at how I can be a better husband, and look for ways to please my wife, then do those things for her. It changes everything! It IS selfish in a way. You DO end up getting more of what you wanted in the first place. But instead of being a pain in the neck to get what you want, being mad, withdrawn, I try giving to her what she wants, and needs, and I get great returns from her changed attitude and relationship as a result of MY actions of kindness and true love to her. My BEST tool ever in times of arguments and unballance is to pray to God a quick prayer before I open my big mouth and say something stupid. I ask God to help me with HIS wisdom on how to reslove the issue, and His wisdom and knowledge enters into the "fight" and this changes me, so then I can have Him help me, to understand and love her beyond my own abilities. This brings PEACE! Hey, He made sex, He knows how to restore that too!

Your husband may be withdrawing from sex as he feels He is failing you in that area. You have allready let him know you are unhappy. Most of us guys would rather just withdraw to our caves than to deal with the problems outside! But if the "outside" becomes a friendly, loving place, we normaly like to come out and play! It is from that friendly loving place that you need to aproach him. To get to that place will take work on your part in showing him you care and want to please him. Not just in sexual ways, but in daily living. Then in hopefully a short time, he will want to please you, and will listen to your needs and change due to his desire to return the friendly loving kindness you have shown him. It seems backwards. To give love and kindness when it is not deserved. Yet when we do, we get it back just like we were demanding for it before. Try doing just what he asks, please him in ways He never thought of. See if he wont return the favor in time. If you become the best wife ever on planet earth and he remains a cave man stuck in his cave, who has benifited more from the experiance? You gain more Joy because of who you are, and have become. It rarely is not returned.

Hope this helps

HornToad

[Tyger]

I saw kind of a twist here. First you say that you've been screwing your husband since '72, so you know what you're doing, but yet, when he wants to show you what he likes, it sounds like you brush him off, since you know what you're doing. Then you get pissed off when he doesn't listen to you? Do you see the cycle here?

Remember, owning genitals doesn't automatically make anyone a great lover. The desire to please, and the willingness to teach how to be please (good listening skills & a willingness to teach) are keys here. I'm not trying to sound insulting here, so please don't take it that way.

Sex is adult playtime. It's suppose to be fun. Even long-time couples can learn new things, or a different way to touch and be touched. Maybe he discovered something he liked one night either with you, or solo, and wants to repeat it. So, why not ask him to describe exactly what he wants you to do? What's the harm in that? You should always be willing to learn new ways to please your lover. Getting frustrated with him isn't helping, which, of course, you know. Calm down, listen and learn. Maybe it's taken him this long to finally figure out that he needs to say something to you if he wants the desired results.

Same goes for him. If he won't LISTEN to what you're saying, then SHOW him. Who says you can't stop him from doing what you're not liking and showing him what you DO like?? Nothing. Granted, 35 years is a bit long to learn something, but, maybe you just need to sit him down and tell him that you're willing to try new things, and learn something new that he likes, but he has to be willing to do the same.

Nobody can read minds. And, if things that have worked in the past, aren't really what one wants, the best thing to do is not fake it, or just settle for what's going on. Stand up (or, I guess in the case of the bedroom: lay down) the law, how you want it, and ask how your lover wants it too.

[Deveninny]

What I'm seeing in alot of posts is the fact that, "I", "Me" and "My" are being used alot. In many cases of LTR's using the phrases of "We" and "Us" help to keep it more than one sided. Sometimes after a long and trying day, we need to sit down and listen to each other...then discuss what "we" are going to do later on that evening, weekend or holiday.

In your case, I will re-write the below quoted from you;

I love sex with my husband, but more and more he just keeps talking and telling me what to do. I have been screwing this man since 1972, I do think that I know what I am doing.

It has gotten to the point that I don't want to have sex anymore with him. He really kills the mood. I like dirty talk and really dirty talk with actions, but all he says is "suck it" "suck it", like I don't know "IT'S" there.

He also rubs my clit until it is uncomfortable and I have to literally shove him away. By then I am mad and don't want anything to do with him.

I have told him what I like and what I don't, I have also showed him. He seems to only hear me when we are having make-up sex. I know that he knows what excites me and what turns me off, but he keeps doing the latter.

And lately I have noticed that he doesn't even want sex anymore. We are becoming room-mates instead of lovers. I feel really hurt and confused about all of this.

Anyone have any suggestions or comment?

Instead of saying these things in this manner....try it this way;

We loved sex and we've been doing it for 35 years, until lately you begun to "coach" me, which kills the mood.

It has gotten to the point that this has changed the sex between us. The mood changes when you state over and over, "suck it - suck it" which becomes annoying to hear over and over. When you manually stimulate the clitoral area, you press instead of lightly stoke or carress which becomes overly sensitive and the moment is lost. Telling you over and over what brings about an orgasm is getting kind of frustrating as you don't appear to be understanding to those needs.

Lately it appears you've lost your desire for sexual encounters, feeling more like a roomate to you. It's very concerning, is there a problem with "us" that should be discussed? The fact that intimacy is lost does deeply affect our relationship and how we talk.

See by taking "me, "my, and "I" out of a conversation and learning to speak with an open mind & heart changes the way it's perceived by another person. Make it an "US" issue....clearly!!

I know my ex of 13 yrs couldn't find a way to talk about us.... so after many talks and quite a few yrs, we ended our relationship. The new relationship is very different, as we've started out not using me, my and I. It's a "Us" thing, unless it has to do with something specific like her children, automobile or job and so on. When it comes to her and I, everything that happens throughout the day is listened to and understood, if not....we don't even venture to the bedroom.

My .02,

Keith D

[ShyBear]

I am sure you know that everyone is here to help and encourage you in your sexual experiences. You have been having them far longer than I have I am sure. With that said, I am going to throw my two cents into the bucket here.

My boyfriend and I have great sex, but if there was one area I would like to improve on right now is him talking to me and telling me what he likes and doesn't like DURING sex. I would hope that would be an ongoing thing. As I put it to him, I would like for him to tell me if there is something that I do or did that he really liked so that I could remember it and do it again another time. If I am giving him oral sex, I want to hear him talking to me. That is how I know he is enjoying it. You said you like dirty talk and that kind of talk is fine with you..."suck it, suck it" is a form of dirty talk. It is not necessarily direction. If a man is enjoying himself and he is saying "yeah baby, suck it, yeah just like that," It is not direction, that is him saying, "OMG, I love what you are doing please don't stop!" Be flattered and feel good about it...you are bringing him pleasure! Don't get pissed over it. If you want him to talk dirty to you if he doesn't already, I was not clear from your post if he does or not, start talking dirty to him. He will eventually pick up on it.

As for him pleasuring you with his hand...if it is too rough...again...don't get pissed over it...it is a problem easily fixed. Just take his hand in yours, and show him how you want it done, and talk to him as you do it...just tell him, "just like this baby, easy, I will come faster if you do it this way". IF he still doesn't do it right, then don't let him do it. If it is something he wants to do, he will learn to do it right or not do it at all.

Even though you have had sex for 35 years and you know each other very intimately, your bodies and how they function sexually are going to change. What used to arouse him may not work as easily now. It may take something a little different. Same goes for you. Think of your bodies and sex as a life-long science experiment...Something to always explore and research together.

His level of frustration with sex may stem from the fact that you get mad at his attempts to pleasure you are not good enough and you get pissed. Try to change that. Remember that you are not the same as you were 35 years ago....hell, you are not the same as you were 2 years ago...as I said, your bodies are constantly changing...estrogen and testoterone levels tend to fluctuate around your ages and can change sexual moods. Be patient. He may be having some issues here as well. Talk to him about it and see what is going on. You two have too many years here to let this bring ya down. Communication is still important at this stage in your marriage.

Be proud that you have be together 35 years. That is amazing...

[Tyger]

Great advice, especially from Devon.

To have open communication, and effective lines, the "you, me, I" verbage has to go. It carries the tones of blaming, when, you really don't want to do that. I mean, when you start getting blamed for something that you don't think you're doing, how do you react? Probably defensively, and not hear anything BUT the blaming. The whole meaning for the conversation then gets lost, then nobody wins.

Best wishes!

[pappyld04]

The two of you have 35+ years of what I assume is a great marriage, other than this little hitch in the git' along. I have noticed in the past that some people get set in a certain pattern that they think works for them and have a difficult time deviating from these patterns. If you were both fine with the patterns then I would not mention them but it seems that both of you are wanting something more from the union. I'm noone to tell you to communicate with your partner but it appears that it would serve your purpose much better if you talked about this with your man. There may be things that one or both of you want to try that just hasn't come out in the open yet. Everyone loves spice, darling, and I'm sure you know how to solve this problem without our opinions. Hope you can fix this minor pothole and keep on rolling down the street. Only this time with a smile!!!!