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So here 's the issue, When I first started seeing my partner we were very very into sex probably for the first year the issue is more and more the sex has gone downhill he is trying but Im just not feeling anything compared to what I used to, infact sometimes I must admit I get actively bored.... Its not like we're not adventurous because we definately are we try lots of new things in bed but its like recently he cant get it right and i am less and less up for it. The other night when I convinced myself it would be better he got distracted by the bed squeeking and our dog barking and said we should leave it! and went to sleep!

The other this is that he has stopped taking care of himself, we have always been into fitness and being toned and before we went on holiday this year he said he would make an effort. So I did too and am proud to say Im considerably more toned - only thing is he didnt actually bother to do anything which is disapointing as I thought it would help me find him more sexy and get more out of our sex life. And now Im sort of resenting the fact he hasnt done it and I have its like I want to be as sexy as possible for him but he wont return the favour.

Anyway (sorry for the rambling) I tried to talk to him about it but he kept throwing phrases at me like 'this is the first Ive heard of it' and 'does that mean you have been faking it' as well as 'whats changed' and 'you seem like you enjoy it to me' following that was a high defensive which I can understand I am effectively telling him he isnt as good anymore. But the thing is how am I meant to approach any of this truthfully without hurting his feelings and get a result?

Please help I feel like its making me more tempermental in our relationship

sorry for the rambling Iso

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Have you checked out the sex education tab just under the Too Timid banner? There are tons of articles there that are likely to give you some help in your situation. As far as your problems go, there are a couple of things I am seeing in this. The first is that your SO is immature and his comments to your voicing your concerns is proof of that. It sounds like he's doing enough to get his own rocks off but not putting the effort into you that you deserve. He should be jumping at the chance to be a better lover. A couple questions though, are you telling him when he's doing something right or wrong DURING the act or only after? How are you urging and teaching him to please you best?

It also seems like you resent him a bit for the fact that you are getting fit and he is not. Curious...whose idea was it to tone up, yours or his? If it wasn't his then he is probably not very committed to changing his routines to include exercise. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you.

If you want to keep him around then you need to find a neutral place to talk to him about your sex lives. Howard has posted a set of guidelines to follow when doing this and I am sure if you search the forums you can find it easily. I do wish you luck, and I'm sure others will chime in shortly.


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Here's my thing with some of what you have said...as far as him getting distracted and giving up because the bed squeaks or the dog is barking sounds like a lot of BS to me...sorry to be that blunt about it but it is true. Sounds like a cop out. I think he is using that as an excuse NOT to have sex or to continue until you are fully satisfied as well. I know if my bed started squeaking during sex I would not even notice because I would be so into the what I was feeling and into pleasuring my guy that I would not even notice. If I did happen to notice big freaking deal...tune it out...As for the dog barking...if it bothers him that much, shut your door with the dog on the other side of it or put the dog outside and again...tune it out. These are distractions that are easily overcome if he is willing too...sounds to me like he is not willing too.

As far as the workout thing...he has to wanna do for himself before he will do it for you. Sounds like a great idea but to him it probably sounded like more work. I would not be to overly concerned by it unless he is just so out of shape you can't stand to look at him, in which case you may have to decide if you can live with him like that or not. Physical attraction plays an initial role in sexual attraction, the rest is his personality, intelligence, sense of humor, etc. Let's face it...looks are going to go sooner or later and those traits are going to be what you are left with...decide what is more important to you. His working out or the rest of him? Which do you wanna live with?

When you try to talk to him, do you do it only after you guys have begun to disagree about something else and he is already on the defensive or do you sit him down and say "babe, we really need to talk." ? Your tone of voice when you approach him and how you talk to him throughout can make all the difference in the world. Make sure you also tell him that you think that while "this" is absolutely fantastic, you would really like it if we could try "this". Maybe we could ignore the bed squeaking or maybe make a pile of blankets on the floor instead. Offer him alternatives so that he can see you are not picking on him and that you are also trying to find a solution to make things better for you. Say that you know you are not perfect as well and ask if there is something that you can do better or different that he would enjoy more. This way he is not being singled out in the conversation. He won't feel like it is a "pick on the boyfriend" talk. Does that help any? I hope so.

Good luck!

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It sounds as if this man has got a lot of issues. I have to agree, it sounds as if he is full of BS. Getting distracted? Why? Is he not fully into you? And, he makes that sound as if it's YOUR fault? What????

It can be frustrating when one partner does more than the other in the bedroom, and all around. Unfortuanatly, he has some issues that need addressing, and he's making excuses for his problems, and trying to blame them on you, instead of where the blame truly rests on.

It sounds like you've really tried telling him what's bothering you, and he's just not listening. How are you talking to him? Do you sound like you're blaming him, or do you sound concerned? Something like, "I've noticed that sometimes our libido is off, what do you think that we can do about it?" That works much better than "Why is it you can't seem to focus on ME when we're making love?" Or even worse, the infamous "what IS your problem???" That never really gets anyone anywhere.

Is there a lot of stress at work/home for him? Does he have health issues? Do you think he may have ED, and not want to admit it? Is he bored of the same old stuff?

Maybe just coming out and asking him why he seems so distracted & angry, may be the most direct route, if you've tried everything else. I would highly suggest not just blurting it out. Maybe during a nice dinner, light talk, away from the bedroom, and concerned tones, but not blaming either. Be concerned, let him know that you're willing to help in any way you can.

If you've tried being concerned, I would highly suggest counselling. Although, from what you've said, and, this is just what I've gotten from what you've told me, it doesn't sound like he'd be overly willing to go to counselling. But, I've been wrong before, and I'd love to be wrong now too.

Best wishes!!

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