Realtionship Going Downhill?

[that1guy]

Ok, I've finally brought myself on to asking for some help on this. I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a couple months. I'm 18, she's 20. Our whole relationship we've lived together. First at my parents house, and as of April/June we have our own apartment. When we first started dating the relationship was unbreakable...as most are in the beginning. Before this girl I gave me virginity to another girl I was dating at the time, that ended up cheating on me twice. I slept with that girl once. When that relationship was broken off for good, I met my current girlfriend. We were both into the "car scene" if you would call it, and thats what really got me attracted...she could work on cars with me and not be a ditz about it. She's vietnamese, so that was a plus also. When we first started going out, the sex was great...when we could keep it from my parents. We spent a few days in a hotel in Texas to visit her mom...and thats when I really learned the most...when we could let it out and do whatever we wanted without trying to wake up my parents. Even after that it was non-stop. Granted, it felt odd I was initiating the actual sex part alot, but there were still a few times she took over. After about 6 months, our sex craze died down a little and we stopped having sex so often...but we didn't lose any intensity...the longer we waited the better it was. Soon after that it was 1 or 2 weeks before we would have sex...but the relationship felt normal. I kinda blamed it on the fact that we still lived with my parents, so we couldn't do what we wanted...but then we started sleeping in seperate beds, but still cuddling for movies and such or what not. That was mostly the fact that my dad pretty much found out what we were doing and to respect his house I chose to sleep in a seperate bed...but there were still random nights we would sleep together...and sitll not have sex. When we moved into our apartment, I couldn't wait. Finally I thought we could have another Texas experience all over again whenever we wanted, but it wasnt like that. During all this time she started gaining weight...not alot...but noticable. I didn't mind it and I wasn't about to bring it up. After living in the apartment and still not having sex for almost a month, I finally ended up begging her to let me have a quickie just to get some relief. During sex I made her orgasm a couple times, and asked her if she missed it, she said yes. A couple weeks went by and we got into a discussion about it. And she told me she didn't like having sex anymore. Wouldn't give me a reason, tell me that I sucked or anything. I don't know if she was trying to not hurt me when I'm really not doing too well in bed or what...but I knew those hotel days were no fake. I kinda blew it off and every now and then we would have sex, but it was like I was really in the mood and I had to try really hard to get her in it, but once we were there, she would do her normal routine and take over half way through and do what felt good to her, then let me finish. So its not like when we had sex she just laid there and let me do whatever I wanted. If she didn't enjoy it once we were having sex, she wouldn't have taken over like that...or at least I don't think. Now its been 2 1/2-3 months, or longer since we've had sex. I can't believe it. I mean we've been pretty busy with getting our own lives started, and me being on my own for the first time...but I think its taking a toll on our relationship..hard. We fight alot, but I figured its going to happen when you're around each other that much for over a year. But the arguments get more serious and more serious...but we get over them much faster... or at least she does. I really don't what to do. There's 100 reasons why I don't want to break up with her, and none of those include feelings. Those reason include facts like where I'm going to live, where she's going to live, if I'm going to have the same friends that I've met through her brother, ect...

We had another discussion on it tonight...after I tried giving her a back massage. I undid her bra to rub her back and the first thing she said was "we're not having sex". We got into a pretty deep conversation on why she can't just say "I don't like having sex anymore"...there has to be a reason, wether she just doesn't enjoy it, she's afraid of somthing, or what...but she keeps repeating "I don't like having sex, and I don't have a reason." It really sucks...because I care about her, but its like when I think back when we first started dating it was so great...and now she doesn't even acknowledge we even did anything together sexually. I respect she doesn't want to have sex, but not for the simple fact that "she doesn't want to anymore" give me a reason and I'll believe it, even if its a lie. She told me that I should respect that she doesn't want to have sex and love her anyway. I told her I still loved her no matter what she did or didn't do, but that I thought it was a part of our relationship and I want it back. That must have topped it off for her, because she said "I'm done arguing about this and I'm not having sex ever again".

I really need some other opinions on what I should do after hearing all this tonight. I would move on, if I knew there was a way of breaking up on a good note, and some way that I have the security of being able to hack it on my own without depending on anyone at all. I'm bringing in 200 a week, and that barely pays for gas, groceries, and my half of the rent. She brings in the most money and pays most of the bills, and her half of the rent. She could afford to live by herself, but everything in the apartment except the couch and chairs are mine...

However, I don't want to move on if someone thinks this can be worked out. I mean it's not like sex is needed in a relationship, but its just somthing that I found that was a big part of ours, and its not there anymore. I've dealt with the withdraws since the last time we had sex, so I'm sure I could go longer, its really just a relationship question revolving around the sex issue.

I seriously would mail anyone a cookie who actually read all that and understood it enough to get me some help. Thanks.

[Chris4u]

I sympethize with you. It's evident that you do love her, at least I gather from the tone of the story.

You are right, sex isn't the foundation of the relationship. Generally I found that as the relationship got stronger, sex wasn't as prevalent, but it became so much better. Partially due to the decrease in frequency and many other factors.

I find there to be a problem, not with the fact that your gf doesn't want to have sex, but that she doesn't like it and never wants it.

You are right there is a reason. The likelyhood of her just not liking it are slim, but I suppose it is possible.

Here are some reasons I think, and they have nothing to do with your penis size, because you explained that she did like sex in the beginning.

The reasons:

1. Something has caused her to feel depressed to a degree...her getting chubbier is a possible sign of that or that something got her that way and the gain of weight followed.

2. She suffered some pain or traumatic event in your last sexual encounter.

3. She feels your not there enough for her and takes it out on you via sex withdrawls

4. It's a test to see how dedicated to her you really are...which I think you've passed.

5. She's selfish and doesn't want to engage in sex because she personally doesn't like it, however is aware that you do

Personally I think it may have to do with #1 more than the others, but I'm speculating. She has trouble with expressing herself and dragging her to a shrink may anger her. You just have to be patient, kind and considerate to hopefully get the truth out of her sooner. Also, be there for her more than you've been lately. Remind her how much you love her and how important your relationship is. Don't shower her with words of love...say them when she may least expect them and kiss her tenderly as you finish speaking. If she says to you in the middle of such a session "we're not having sex," you reply with "must you presume it's about sex, why can't I just kiss you like so...". That kind of stuff. If after time (and I mean months, however long or short) you may find that you want to stay in the relationship more than your desire for sex. You have to determine what's more important to you, sex or the love you share for her.

Take this advice into heart. I can't promise that it will bring back the sex in your relationship, but it wouldn't hurt and you'd have no regrets in the future for not trying harder in saving it.

Chris

[hot-pants-kate]

Hi 1Guy, i'm with Chris on this, he is right on. Also you might think about why you two fight, and how to prevent it, like less use of certain words (you, don't, listen,.....). Fights builds up resentment that goes in deep.

Kate

[that1guy]

Thanks for your replies...it helped helped alot.

Keep them coming if anyone else has any ideas.

[AuricWolf]

Hi 1guy,

I concur, for the most part. My wife is the only lady I've been with, and we've been together for 8 years now, but I've been doing my best to pay close attention to her feelings, body language, etc.

What I've learned from her is that her sex drive is directly proportionate to her feelings of "connectedness" with me. The more distanced she feels from me, the less her desire to make love. Arguments, particularly the kind where harsh words are spoken in speak-before-you-think scenarios, will drive an emotional wedge between the two of you, regardless of how physical you may be.

Try to remember that while actions speak louder than words, you have to be angry or frustrated to say mean things to begin with, which sends mixed signals to her. This seems to be the reason why she's defensive--she figures that if you're doing something nice for her, it's because you expect something in return.

A key part of having a healthy relationship with an emotionally sensitive woman is to be nurturing when their emotions run rampant. In "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by Dr. John Gray, it gave me a good idea as to some of the hidden meanings in some of the things my wife says, how to read her body language more accurately, etc. In the book "Aikido In Everyday Life" by Terry Dobson and Victor Miller, it later talks about how using Aiki, or Confluence, when presented with a potentially hostile scenario can dramatically alter the outcome. The reason for this is because when people confront you in such a way, they're usually hurt, scared, or angry (or a combination of these and other feelings). Don't let those feelings run rampant. Bring that person back to center, to balance, and help them calm down (for instance, if she says, "I think you're a worthless piece of sh!t," substitute "how DARE you say that to me" or "Oh yeah? How much do YOU do around here" with "I don't blame you. Why do you feel that way?"). Bottom line here is this: You can't argue with feelings. They may be based on incorrect facts, but that doesn't make the feelings invalid or worthless. If you attack or try to diffuse the feelings themselves, she'll just feel attacked and that you don't care. Figure out what's causing those feelings. If there's a fire, you spray the extinguisher at the base of the fire, not at the peak of the flames.

Granted, that can open a whole slew of interesting things, but the important message to get across to her is that you love her and want to talk to her about it. You don't want to argue with her, but perhaps to explain to her that the removal of sex from your relationship seems to relate more to the removal of its overall depth; not just the physical aspect, which to you may signify a lack of trust, or the growth of resentment. Tell her you're not there to argue about sex, because at the core, you don't give a crap about that. What you care about is what's bothering her and keeping her distant from you.

Something that did eventually help with my situation, though, was patience. I actually stopped talking about sex altogether with my wife for a while, and resorted to masturbation (sometimes 8x a day, depending). Even bought a masturbation sleeve to add to the fun. Later, she asked why we didn't talk about it anymore, and why I didn't want her anymore. It didn't take much for me to tell her that I wanted her all the time, but she didn't seem interested, and seemed to get upset whenever I talked about it. As I don't want to cause any additional stress, I figured she'd come around when she was in the mood. By this time, just the thought of being able to have sex with my wife again would have me fully erect, and a quick redirection of her hand to my crotch would support my words very well.

I may be way off, but that's my two cents. Sorry for the rant. I hope it helped to some measure. Anyone else have any ideas?

This, too, shall pass.

Take care,

AuricWolf

[hot-pants-kate]

Wolf Guy, you really impress me. You're the kind i want to marry and have kids with. With your smarts i would bet you will stay married forever.

Many kisses, Kate.

[that1guy]

Damn man, you nailed that right on. Everything you said made perfect sense and related to whats going on. The night it happened I told her I was really sorry and I sat down and really thought about what was said and I told her I loved her and that I didn't care what she did or didn't do I still loved her. She accepted it well and I think I'm just going to lay low for a while...Thanks for your advice, seriously. These replies really helped me understand how I need to go about this. I definetly found out breaking up with her because of it is not the direction to go. It really seems it can be worked out over time. Thank you all, and I continue to welcome any more suggestions to my situation.

[12GAUGE]

I'M WITH HOWARD ON THIS ONE...AND AS FAR AS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE GOES- DON'T ASK ME -I'M FROM MARS AND THE BUS TO VENUS HASN'T BEEN THIS WAY IN A L O N G L O N G TIME...GOOD LUCK KIDDO