Sex Isnt Excieting?!

[MystryKitten]

It may not seem I'm not getting to the point in this topic, but I just want to lay out everything first...

I've been with my SO for almost 14 months and we have been having sex for about 7 months. He was my first. We couldnt have sex until the time that we did bc I was 'special' down there. I was born with a semi-imperferiate hymen and had to have surgery to make a normal sized vagina. I kid you not, the hole in which you would call my vagina was so small, only a q-tip would fit in (and the hole did not stretch)....no joke!

So, for the first two months of having sex (after i was all healed up) sex was very painful because it took me so long to relax. After this time, sex always felt great, but I could never get off during sex. Yes, I know most woman need clit stimulation to get off, I've read the articeles, (and most the time I use a vibrator during sex, or he gets me off before hand) but my SO thinks that if I just learn to get a 'excieted' to have sex, I should have an easier time getting off (what i mean is, getting off with a Gstop orgasm). Which fast forwards this to todays time...

My SO and I talked last night about sex and how I never go wild, let loose, and really WANT sex. Because of my busy sched I always give the excuse of im 'too tired for sex' which really is true! He says that Im the only girl he has ever been with who has ever givin that excuse (my SO is 23 and im the 6th girl) He also tells me that he has never met a girl my age that wasnt crazy about having sex, especially with her SO. He also says all the girls hes been with have gotten so wound up over sex that they would easily get themselves turned on and would want sex 1-4 times a day! I, on the other hand (and I agree with this) just am not CRAZY about haing sex all the time. He understands I used to be 'special' down there and thinks that could be contributing to the fact that I cant get off with a gspot orgasm and/or am not overly crazy about sex. He also said that the other virgin he had been with, was able to get off during sex withing a couple weeks of having it.

My SO and I have sex about once a week, and most the time he makes the first moves. I actually feel bad about this. I LOVE SEX, it feels GOOD, and I THINK ABOUT it, but I never have time, or engery to make the effort to do so. My SO says sex is about going all out, forgeting about everything, and just going crazy and having fun in bed... and I dont do that (i believe it is true through). AND I CANT FIGURE OUT WHY! Im 18 and only been with one guy, shouldnt I be going crazy right now and fucking like a damn rabbit???

I also think I mgiht be making a chore out of sex...I have to take out my BC ring, find the lube, make sure im turned on, make sure hes turned on, find the condoms, have the whipes at hand for afterwards, blah blah blah. I know sex IS NOT A CHORE, but I cant find a way to RID OF THAT MIND BLOCK and Im not sure how to go about getting EXCEITED about sex!! I want to crazy and feel good and get off and go wild in bed and feel FREE. Sometimes, I have expierced all this (with the help of getting off with a vib of course) but not lately, and not frequently...

ANd I dont even get turned on like I used to! My SO could touch my nipples, kiss my neck, and I was wet as a waterfall! And now, it takes 3x as long, and he has to work twice as hard to get me going. Maybe Im just not turned on by HIM anymore?? I have no idea...I dont what to do, or how to go about WANTING SEX more and getting CRAZY about it. I want to, I really want to! ANY ADVISE? THANK YOU.

[Mikayla1]

We couldnt have sex until the time that we did bc I was 'special' down there. I was born with a semi-imperferiate hymen and had to have surgery to make a normal sized vagina. I kid you not, the hole in which you would call my vagina was so small, only a q-tip would fit in (and the hole did not stretch)....no joke!

No, I know this is not a joke. In fact, in my article on "Virginity" I tell people that this is a rare type of hymen disorder, but yet we all think that we are made like this! I am very, very sure it was painful and embarrassing (even though you have nothing to be embarrassed about!)

my SO thinks that if I just learn to get a 'excieted' to have sex, I should have an easier time getting off (what i mean is, getting off with a Gstop orgasm).

Whoa there fella...you have to learn to walk before you can run! I understand what he is saying, but, he has the typical "man's view" of 'you shouldn't need anything but my big, bad manly parts to get you off! I am sorry, but this is just not the reality of it! Women (85% of ALL women) need clitoral stim. Of the remaining 15%, they are still getting clitoral stim by 'grinding' their clit against the pubic bone, so still, clitoral stim. For the rare few that can orgasm G-spot every time - this is sooooooooo rare. Plus, it takes time and practice, he needs to understand!

He says that Im the only girl he has ever been with who has ever givin that excuse (my SO is 23 and im the 6th girl) He also tells me that he has never met a girl my age that wasnt crazy about having sex, especially with her SO. He also says all the girls hes been with have gotten so wound up over sex that they would easily get themselves turned on and would want sex 1-4 times a day!

Blah, blah, blah! He says, he says....you know what? He is TRYING to guilt you! This never works, bringing up what other partners have done in bed. Saying, 'you are abnormal' because girlfriend X wanted to fuck like a rabitt! How do you KNOW this is true? What are his FACTS that YOU are abnormal? Just HIS word, right? No, no, no!!!! He is trying to guilt you into 'performing' the way he wants - do not fall for this!

I LOVE SEX, it feels GOOD, and I THINK ABOUT it, but I never have time, or engery to make the effort to do so. My SO says sex is about going all out, forgeting about everything, and just going crazy and having fun in bed...

Finally, some truth. It IS about having fun and relaxing and forgetting about everything and having fun! this does not mean WILD, it means...pleasuring. Having fun, doing what you want and what he wants.

I think that once a week is more than the average (for a married couple of 5 years that is) So, statistically, you are having sex much less than average. However, look at WHY. It isn't because you are sore, right? Not because you aren't horny, right? It is because you are 'tired!" Girlfriend, sex is energizing and can give you better rest once you are done! Try to change that mindset - try to figure out how to let yourself initiate every once in a while. I am not suggesting 1-4 times a day - but perhaps every few days to start. The more sex you have, the more sex you will want!

I also think I mgiht be making a chore out of sex...I have to take out my BC ring, find the lube, make sure im turned on, make sure hes turned on, find the condoms, have the whipes at hand for afterwards, blah blah blah. I know sex IS NOT A CHORE, but I cant find a way to RID OF THAT MIND BLOCK and Im not sure how to go about getting EXCEITED about sex!!

Blah, blah, blah is right! Make the foreplay FUN! You HAVE to make sure he is aroused? Um, if you are having good oral and manual stimulation, you BOTh should be really aroused! have the lubes and wipes in a drawer next to your bed. Put the ring in and then go for it! Of course it is not a chore, and if you were truly enjoying yourself, it wouldn't seem like a chore. What else is going on here?

ANd I dont even get turned on like I used to! My SO could touch my nipples, kiss my neck, and I was wet as a waterfall! And now, it takes 3x as long, and he has to work twice as hard to get me going. Maybe Im just not turned on by HIM anymore??

DING, DING, DING! We have a winner! Honey, you just answered your own question! It seems as though you have picked up on what I have already - he is just pressuring you, not understanding, using bad tactics to get you to do what HE wants. While some of what he says may be true, the essence of it is not! If you were truly into him, wanted to please you and him, then sex would come.....eventually.

No one can make you get into sex. You have to change that mindset, get into YOURSELF and YOUR pleasure. Figure out what it is about your bf that bothers you - and perhaps, move on. Learn about your body and your pleasure. Learn about his. My best advice? Spend a day reading articles and posts here - it may help you more than you know!

[hollybw]

WOW! All I can say is "Well said, as usual, Mikayla!"

I would definitely also suggest that you spend a little time on yourself, thinking about what YOU really want!! Good Luck!!

[pappyld04]

If you are only the 6th girl that he has been with I must say that his "Control" group for this frame of mind is totally BOGUS!!! A 23yo kid has very little knowledge of how to be an attentive lover much less what it takes to make you have an orgasm. I can only guess at the pain of this condition that you had but you should never be ashamed of it. Special was probably a better term than any of uscould have come up with and it's good to see it came from you. Trust me when I tell you that there are millions of women in the world who would love to be in your special condition. I doubt they would like the pain part but the other aspect would be the part they would seek. Your sex drive is not controlled by age, race, creed, or especially guilt. Don't let this boy get away with this. It soulnds like he is beginning to build on further BS to use to put you down and you don't need this at all. Either tell him that you are onto his game or send his ass kicking rocks.

[chloegirl]

Mikayla is so right. You are just now starting to learn and experience sex. Self confidence is sooo important here and this guy seems to be trying to undermine that for you. I suggest you read up on every aspect of sexualty (this web site is awesome for that)....the more you know and expose your mind to, the more you will become attuned to your own wants and needs. I have been very open and encouraging of my daughters to learn and enjoy everything there is about their sexualty (that includes being smart and responsible)because I don't want them to miss out on how great a part of life this can be. I was raised in a very repressive home and my knowledge and sexual confidence at your age was pitiful so of course that affected the quality of my love life for years...I chose a man who was "non-threatening" sexually because I didn't feel confident enough to let go with a more experienced lover.(Big Mistake...his not being "dangerous" was more about his inexperience and selfish little boy attitude of "it's all about the guy getting off as fast and easy as possible and not really giving a damn about yours and I wasn't confident or smart enough to demand my share) Don't waste time in any relationship that is not a reciprocal give and take. If you don't feel the fire get out before you waste too much time and find someone who does get your blood pumping. There is nothing wrong with you! Always keep in mind that you are a beautiful woman with much to offer. When you feel it go for it, but don't try to force something that isn't there! Hope your life turns out full, hot and awesome!

[pappyld04]

.

No one can make you get into sex. You have to change that mindset, get into YOURSELF and YOUR pleasure. Figure out what it is about your bf that bothers you - and perhaps, move on. Learn about your body and your pleasure. Learn about his. My best advice? Spend a day reading articles and posts here - it may help you more than you know!

Mikayla, I'm not trying to be an ass here but a person could spend months, or even years here and still be learning. Since I came in only a few months back I have seen an explosion of new people who will bring in new posts, topics, and insight. NONE of us can claim to know it all and should never stop exploring our pursuit of knowledge.

[Mikayla1]

Mikayla, I'm not trying to be an ass here but a person could spend months, or even years here and still be learning. Since I came in only a few months back I have seen an explosion of new people who will bring in new posts, topics, and insight. NONE of us can claim to know it all and should never stop exploring our pursuit of knowledge.

I wouldn't assume you were trying to be an ass, what you say is true. We are always STILL learning, and of course no one knows everything. My point, dearest Pappy, was only to spend some time on the forum just looking at all the issues and suggestions and perhaps we will realize that our problems are similar to others, and perhaps, feel enlightened enough to go in pursuit of MORE knowledge!

[Mikayla1]

for relationship is where the REAL desire begins...it's not sex that leads to good relationship, it's good relationship that leads to good sex....

Couldn't have said that better myself! Now, can you go and post that same sentiment on every post, in every forum?!!!

[pappyld04]

I wouldn't assume you were trying to be an ass, what you say is true. We are always STILL learning, and of course no one knows everything. My point, dearest Pappy, was only to spend some time on the forum just looking at all the issues and suggestions and perhaps we will realize that our problems are similar to others, and perhaps, feel enlightened enough to go in pursuit of MORE knowledge!

I'm aware that my response may have offended some and I want everyone to know that it was meant only to encourage others to read through the posted topics old and new. And also to read through the educational topics. It appears that Mikayla had this very same thought as she stated there but may have felt that I was downing her. I will go on record here or anywhere else to state that she is one of the best people I have had the opportunity to learn from and to talk with. And yes I have learned much from her. I apologize for any misunderstandings that may have occured by my post and thought it would be good to see where things can be misunderstood. The pursuit of knowledge is, or at least should be, NEVER-ENDING!!!! Please don't think I was trying to offend her here!!!

[Tyger]

OK, well, you said that you're inexperienced, and your BF wants more sex. Just because you're 18 doesn't MEAN that you will crave sex all the time! It depends on several things, as to how much you'll want sex. I'm not trying to sound insulting to your BF, I'm just throwing out what I'm getting a sense of.

Women that have started having sex sometimes take a bit to get use to it. Not only the feelings of newness of a more "womanly feeling", but the sensations, and some women have a hard time letting GO fully. Just because you loose your virginity to a guy, doesn't mean you fully trust them. You had the added issues of having a medical reason to be a bit fearful of sex, even after you had your surgery, and that is sure to affect you.

Plus, wanting sex means that you're able to orgasm, and that you have an ATTENTIVE & good/great lover. If he's only thinking about his nut (which, frankly, it sounds like he's pretty selfish), then he's not spending a lot of time on you. You've proven to be a "harder" gal to get off, so he's not going to bother, since it's too long. You said that sex feels "GOOD". Honey, great sex feels GREAT, EXPLOSIVE, TINGLY, awesome. Not just "GOOD". The better the sex/lover, the more you're going to want it.

Many young women, myself included, when they first have sex, feel as though they need to really make their guys feel GREAT about their dick's abilities, and don't bother really FEELING what's really happening. Women are "wired" to make other's feel good about themselves. Almost like a mothering instinct. It's great to be supportive and positive, but, lemme tell you, that it's a disservice to your own self to not really LEARN how to have great sex!!! It took me almost 4 years to find a lover that really cared about ME, my needs, and desires. He was also 5 yrs older than I was. More mature than the other guys I'd been with previously.

He sounds like he's very selfish to me. Commenting on how his past lovers were, and how you compare to them is extremely rude and inconsiderate. I mean, nobody really likes being compared to past lovers, and why he keeps doing it is stupid and insensitive. If he wanted a girl with tons of experience, he should've never slept with a virgin. Women that are virgins, usually know almost nothing as far as actual sex acts are manipulated, and are rarely so comfortable, that they're instant great lovers! It takes time, and people should be constantly learning about sex, what pleases them, and their current lovers.

THAT'S another thing!!! What may turn one of his exes on, may not another girl! I mean, everyone's different. For example, some women LOVE to have their nipples bit hard, nibbled, or some don't like nipple play at all.

You also sound like you have a lot on your plate right now, meaning you have a lot of responsibilities and things you wish to accomplish. There's NOTHING wrong with that. It may take you a bit longer to get in the mindset of having sex. Some women take a lot longer to be able to let go than others.

If you don't get turned on by him touching you, and you're relying on a lot of physical reactions to get turned on, then DING DING DING, you may be right on the money when you said that you may not be attracted to him anymore. Those sorts of things can't be forced. Him being demanding, selfish, and immature of your needs is a big turn off in anyone's book.

I hope that all these responses have helped. I didn't respond right away cuz I wanted to really thing about how I wanted to say all this. I hope you find happiness!

[Tyger]

Another thing, about the whole "sex is a chore" comment. I forgot to add in on that too. LOL I am a dork, what can I say?

Anyway, if you have your own place, then, there really should be no reason why all your "sexual aides" including condoms, wipes, lubes, whatever, can't be right at your arm's reach. Even if you DON'T have your own place, you can always find places to keep that stuff. Like in the top drawer of your nightstand. Or, if your bureau is next to your bed, sacrifice a drawer for that. It shouldn't take long to pop all that stuff out, or, just pull out the drawer, and have it all there. If you're really organized, in a deeper drawer, you could put small baskets in them, and then have lubes in one basket, condoms another, and so on. Why go on an "Easter egg hunt" before each sexual encounter. Or, you can keep that stuff in a basket right up on the top of your nightstand, and if you have company, stow it away somewhere.

It shouldn't be so much work to make fun in the bedroom. It's good that you're clean and responsible though, and that should never be looked down on.

[MystryKitten]

I dont think it was his intention to guilt trip me by comparing me to other lovers, but I've been told never compare your past lovers to your new ones, as its unfair. I thought he was just giving me examples? I guess he just doesn't quite understand why I wont fuck him all the time like his past girlfriends did, lol. Ughh and he really doesnt understand why I cant have an orgasm during sex. I would like to eventually have a gspot orgasm (I think Ive been close a few times) but that just takes to much time and its not at the top of my 'sex to do list' im happy for now just getting off with a vibrator during sex, it feels GREAT especially with a penis thrusting inside you! He most defiantly DOES want us to have sex more, he got that point across. Like I said though, most the time I just don't have a desire... maybe you guys are right, I might not be attracted to him like I used to, which that saddens me, I really do love and care for this guy, and this is the longest relationship for both of us.

....I dont understand how I could possibly not be so much attracted to my SO anymore. Its been over a year, and your attraction is supposed to GROW over time isnt it? A part of me does want to 'explore' more with other guys, have my fun ya know? Im NOT saying I want to screw a bunch of guys but just date again. Err make sense? I feel bad about it though cause I feel that I shouldn't be thinking about that since Im so committed to my SO and we have been together for so long (long for most ppl I know that is)

I'm over the surgery, I had it in late April of last year, and we starting having sex in June. I've learned to relax and am not worried about sex hurting anymore, so that probably isn't the real problem. Then again my BODY might not be completely used to having a REAL vagina, as it hasn't even been a year since I've had the surgery. And I really give my guy credit for waiting so long to have sex with me, and going slow and all that.

Our sex locations are pretty much restricted. I've had it in the bed, on the floor once, and on the couch in his room once. He lives in a house with a bunch of other roommates and I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex in the shower. I've NEVER showered with a guy, something I would LOVE to do, but as far as I remember he doesn't like to do that sorta thing, and I dont know if I would feel comfortable...yea ok thats a warning sign right? I should feel very COMFORTABLE with him since I've been with him so long right? He also brought up that we should incorporate some of MY fantasies during sex. But most the fantasies I have are usually just that, and I wouldn't really want them to happen OR I really just cant see him doing that 'fantasy' to me. Odd??

He doesn't always think of him and his penis, sex is usually pretty fair. The only times its not, is when he is trying to get me off after sex but its just taking too long and I've lost it, or we want a quickie and I don't have my vibrator. I think those are the main ones. And ok, sex not only feels GOOD, I have had some mind blowing sex with this guy, but what I mean is being all hot, and wet and all the thrusting and moaning feels YUMMY, even if I do or do not orgasm in the end.

We used to have a bedside table, but it has a fishtank on it now and so everything is on the floor But, if I talk to him about it, Im sure I can get him to put the condoms, lube, and wipes in his dresser drawer.

Any other additional advise is appreciated. Thanks to all that have responded.

[Blurted]

the reason he's bringing it up is probably because his confidence is hurt by the fact that his presence doesn't make you horny. believe me I am a young man, and that can hurt.

I had a kinda roll reversal with a girl a while back where I really just didn't want it always and her confidence got a little sore from it, but one thing I found that was effective in boosting her confidence is that I complimented specific parts of her body that I enjoyed for their aesthetic value, like the freckles on her chest and whatnot. A man might really like to hear about how sexy his shoulders or waist is, or if he's hairy you can tell him how much you appreciate his chest hair. Stuff that isn't really commonly mentioned and things that set him apart will work great. Just make it's genuine and his confidence should be at least partially restored. Sex and ego are often closely tied in men, I must admit, which is why men have this image of being retarded sexually, so if his ego is healthy his sexuality should be less of an issue to him.

This is really just going to make him happy for a while though if his ego really needs some serious work. if you really care about him try to find the root of his problems and address that directly, if not then keep him happy as long as he keeps you happy.

In his defence with my experience young young girls they have had moments where it seemed like they wanted nothing else for like a month at a time. And before you get any ideas of me being a creepy old man I was young too so cut it out.

[pappyld04]

He most defiantly DOES want us to have sex more, he got that point across.

I wonder if you noticed the word you chose before DOES? Fitting I might say. And if you've never showered with your lover you are missing out!

[Blurted]

I did that one time, I think we had it running too hot though cause I got a head rush and almost passed out.

[froggystyle1977]

there are many great responses here some things I would have said myself, mostly I wanted to say you seem to be figureing this out on your own you don't seem ready for the relationship that you are in, finding yourself is more important than staying with someone good luck with anything you decide!!

[pappyld04]

I did that one time, I think we had it running too hot though cause I got a head rush and almost passed out.

Was it the water or the sex that was too hot? Your reaction you posted seems to be the most of us would love to get!!!! LOL!!!

[Blurted]

well... it's kindof a long story, suffice to if you're going to sex in the shower be careful about the water temperature, cause when the air is so humid it's tough to get enough oxygen. it didn't really go the way we planned.