It's Just Hard.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Okay, so it's not at all a rant/rave out of anger? More sorrow.

So this has been a real eventful few weeks, I just found out my mom's dad, my grandpa J, was diagnosed with lung cancer. And what upsets me the most is that he is SO healthy, eats right, keeps active, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, he's an all around guy. and he has this. I mean I am convinced then that it must be when he was younger working in the mines or other jobs where he was exposed to asbestos, which of course does cause trouble in the lungs. The toughest part about this is also he's a young guy. he's like mid 60's, which for a grandparent is young! I am just bummed because my grandma (his wife) is a diabetic and doesn't even take care of herself. She eats everything she's not supposed to, she's overweight (diabetes...hence.) she's a hypochondriac, and just everything she does, is ze opposite of my gramps (cept she doesn't drink/smoke either which is good.) Iguess I'm just bummed because I don't want him to die or be sick because he doesn't deserve it. not that anyone does. NO one does. I mean he's at brigham's and if anyone is familiar with boston...it's the TOP place to be taken care of in terms of his condition. (boston has sooo many good medical centers) Anyway, I mean I hope they can remove parts of the lung if eligible for the surgery safely, so he won't have to do chemo treatments and whatnot. I just want to see him live as long as he can, staying as healthy as can be. He inspires me to want to do this too. So I'm just praying he's gonna be good, he's going to pull through and be ok. I just don't wanna see him in that hospital bed again.

If that wasn't bad enough,

my great grandmother just died. 97, bless her soul. Another real healthy lady, etc. I guess being 18, and young...and NEVER having experienced a death in the family or any encounter with it, it hit me really hard. I am a mess right now, it just happened a day ago and I just can't seem to put things into perspective yet. I know 97 alone, is a high number and shit, it's great to say you had a great grandma I knew through most of my youth who lived to practically 100! I guess I just cannot believe she is gone now. Strange to just have her in your life one minute, and she's gone the next. Dimentia does do that...and her skin was peeling and bleeding. She lived a nice life, and now she can be with my grandpa. I guess I just can't get over what happened, or face it. The funeral's this weekend and I'm not sure I'm ready to. Sorry for whining and bitching about this, I just needed to get it off my chest. It's a lot in my life right now and I guess it's just hard having it all thrown at me at once.

=[

[pappyld04]

First and foremost, SORRY FOR YOUR CURRENT SITUATION AND YOUR LOSS! It is a sad thing that those who have done everything to live right are sometimes the forst to go. While my GGM was alive there were so many who thought that she was the younger of her and her daughter. My GGM on the other side of this was outrunning people at the nursing home at 103yo. This is the hateful young lady I had equated with the story of Howard's wife who spent her life being hateful to everyone. (Just to qualify that statement there). It is rarely the better of mankind that live to be oldest. Nothing we could say would make you feel better about this. I just hope you will remember all the good times with this one and seek to enjoy more with your GF before anything happens to him. You should really look at how great the person has been and what contributions they have made to you and to others that makes them great people in your life. Enjoy every minute you are able to with them!!!!

[ToyQueen]

That IS a lot to deal with at one time. Please accept my condolences on your grandmother's passing. It is very hard to deal with even if she was ill. She is still loved.

It is amazing that things like lung cancer can affect people who have a lifestyle that we would think excludes them from things like that.

A positive attitude for him will be a big help. Maybe this will help your grandmother make some changes in her life so that she can help him.

Take one day at a time. If that is too much, take one hour. If that is still too much, take one minute at a time. You can get through this. It is very hard, but possible.

Hugs to you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

First and foremost, SORRY FOR YOUR CURRENT SITUATION AND YOUR LOSS! It is a sad thing that those who have done everything to live right are sometimes the forst to go. While my GGM was alive there were so many who thought that she was the younger of her and her daughter. My GGM on the other side of this was outrunning people at the nursing home at 103yo. This is the hateful young lady I had equated with the story of Howard's wife who spent her life being hateful to everyone. (Just to qualify that statement there). It is rarely the better of mankind that live to be oldest. Nothing we could say would make you feel better about this. I just hope you will remember all the good times with this one and seek to enjoy more with your GF before anything happens to him. You should really look at how great the person has been and what contributions they have made to you and to others that makes them great people in your life. Enjoy every minute you are able to with them!!!!

Thank you, Pappy, that really does mean a lot. and I understand what you're saying...I'm just trying to keep the good moments of her and the things that were so wonderful about her in my head. And my grandpa, I'm trying to stay strong and stay positive because that's what he needs right now. No negativity or depression around him.

I appreciate your comment.

Thank you.

[pappyld04]

Also I think it is IMPORTANT that you see that this is NOT whining and bitching. This is a very serious step in the grieving process. Please take all your frustrations out on this board!!!! It is here for that very reason!

[pappyld04]

Please accept my condolences. I'm very sorry to hear about your Great Grandmother passing away, I know It's hard at any age, but even more so when you're young.

It sounds like she was one lucky to have lived so long. Wow! 97, she witnessed more in her lifetime than I can imagine from horse and buggy days, Two world wars, the great depression, putting a man on the moon, just to mention a few. That is tremendous! It sounds like she had you , and other family members who loved her, and that alone is the greatest experience anyone can have IMO is to be truly loved.

I know how you feel. I called my dad one day, went to visit the next and found him dead so I understand the shock when we think someone is healthy and all of a sudden they are gone.

As far as Your Grandfather, You are right, he is in a good place and they have come a long long way in their ability to treat cancer of all types.

I certainly wish him well and if I were going to suggest anything to you it would be this:

Let him know how you feel about him, and how much you appreciate the times you have together.

The one thing I will always be glad I did was to make it a point to let both my parents know how much I loved them and appreciated what they did for me through out my life time.

Grief is a process that takes time but it does get better with each passing day, I promise it does. It sounds like you are on the type of Granddaughter any Grandparent would be proud to have.

I wish you and your family the best now and always;

Poon

Well said!

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Also I think it is IMPORTANT that you see that this is NOT whining and bitching. This is a very serious step in the grieving process. Please take all your frustrations out on this board!!!! It is here for that very reason!

Good to know, I guess it's just me making sure I'm not because some people (not here) but in general everyday do bitch a lot about things so I just don't ever want to come off that way.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Please accept my condolences. I'm very sorry to hear about your Great Grandmother passing away, I know It's hard at any age, but even more so when you're young.

It sounds like she was one lucky to have lived so long. Wow! 97, she witnessed more in her lifetime than I can imagine from horse and buggy days, Two world wars, the great depression, putting a man on the moon, just to mention a few. That is tremendous! It sounds like she had you , and other family members who loved her, and that alone is the greatest experience anyone can have IMO is to be truly loved.

I know how you feel. I called my dad one day, went to visit the next and found him dead so I understand the shock when we think someone is healthy and all of a sudden they are gone.

As far as Your Grandfather, You are right, he is in a good place and they have come a long long way in their ability to treat cancer of all types.

I certainly wish him well and if I were going to suggest anything to you it would be this:

Let him know how you feel about him, and how much you appreciate the times you have together.

The one thing I will always be glad I did was to make it a point to let both my parents know how much I loved them and appreciated what they did for me through out my life time.

Grief is a process that takes time but it does get better with each passing day, I promise it does. It sounds like you are on the type of Granddaughter any Grandparent would be proud to have.

I wish you and your family the best now and always;

Poon

Thanks Poon, I'm definitely taking a lot of what you've said and pappy and a few other friends, and just trying to use it. I feel like hey, it takes time to get over this...but focus on the positives and now. And my grandfather I just found out is going into surgery this wednesday, so I'm going to go over prior to this and sit him down and just tell him everything. and how much he means to me and that I love him a lot. My grandpa isn't always the lovey dubby type, but deep down I know it'd mean a lot for him to hear that. He doesn't smile much, more stern guy. But I know that'll definitely earn a smirk or hopefully a lip smile. Thanks once again to you and everyone else for your encouraging and sweet replies. It definitely is helping ease the pain, and not be so depressed.

--Amelia

[pappyld04]

Thanks Poon, I'm definitely taking a lot of what you've said and pappy and a few other friends, and just trying to use it. I feel like hey, it takes time to get over this...but focus on the positives and now. And my grandfather I just found out is going into surgery this wednesday, so I'm going to go over prior to this and sit him down and just tell him everything. and how much he means to me and that I love him a lot. My grandpa isn't always the lovey dubby type, but deep down I know it'd mean a lot for him to hear that. He doesn't smile much, more stern guy. But I know that'll definitely earn a smirk or hopefully a lip smile. Thanks once again to you and everyone else for your encouraging and sweet replies. It definitely is helping ease the pain, and not be so depressed.

--Amelia

Amelia, most of us men were raised to be gung-ho, cut off my head and hand me a beer I'm OK. I bet this gesture will mean more to your G'Pa than you will ever be told. You have the right idea darling!!!!

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Amelia, most of us men were raised to be gung-ho, cut off my head and hand me a beer I'm OK. I bet this gesture will mean more to your G'Pa than you will ever be told. You have the right idea darling!!!!

No, no it's okay. Howard, you are absolutely correct. I KNOW that this is becoming treatable, but it's not curable what he has. I'm dealing with it way better than probably most people would deal with. Plus, my grandmother just died. I understand the tough mentality persay, it's fine. But you're right, the treatment is getting better and thank heavens for that.

My gramps and I are gonna talk tomorrow and I'm excited to just tell him.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Sorry to hear about the passing of your grandfather. As for your father, anyone can get Lung Cancer. But the good news is that it is now treatable, and many people survive. Don't count him out. The fact that he has engaged in high risk life styles will actually work in his favor for treatment.

Howard

Howard,

my grandmother died, and my grandfather is sick.

my father is fine.

But nevertheless, thank you for your optimism. it helps keep me thinking positive

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Sorry if I miswrote. I was not at my finest when I read your post, and wanted to extend my condolences. Most of us go through deaths in the family, some when we are very young. I consider myself ver lucky, as I knew three of my grandparents until I was 18, and I was in my 30s before the last one died. I have lost uncles, aunts, cousins,my father, my ex-wife, and my sister in law since, and it is true that relatives begin to start seeing each other more often at funerals than at weddings, and birthdays. It is not easy for anyone, and you have every right to be down. There is a grieving process, and we all go through it. There are grief counselors today, where there were none when I was very young.

I tend to work through my grief by talking about the deceased, and telling the good times, and the funny things that (s)he did. They are the best memories, and laughter seems to bring them closer to us. It doesn't matter how much experience you have at losing relatives, its never easy on any of us. You do learn to make the best of each day, stay in touch with relatives, let them know that you love them, and make the most of visits. E-mail has helped me keep in touch with a bunch of cousins that I normally would not see in 10-20 years. Like so many families, mine is scatterred all over the country, and having a family reunion is just not possible for most of everyone.

Put your faith in your grandfather's doctors, and everything they can do for him. Its the best thing you can do for him except being there after he wakes up from recovery. Its the one thing that all patients say they appreciate the most- seeing family members after the ordeal. We will keep you in our thoughts.

Howard

Not a problem Howard, no need to apologize, you're always on top of these things so really if anything thank you for taking the time to extend your kindness and encouraging words of wisdom. I'm putting all my positivity in my grandfather. I went to the service and funeral today...and it was so hard, just all of it. I, as well, was fortunate to have not really had too many encounters with death, and I did get to see my great grandma until 18, and she was 97. that's pretty spectacular. So I guess, just move forward and keep positive and focus on the good times in her life and have faith in these doctors.

Thank you very much to you Howard, and EVERYONE else who has left me such a kind response. My grandmother is in a better place now.

Amelia

[pappyld04]

Your last sentence says it ALL!!!

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Your last sentence says it ALL!!!

Indeed. Pappy, indeed.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Thank you EVERYONE for your kind, sweet, and encouraging words during probably the toughest times ever.

So I have an update on my grandfather, he had surgery yesterday, and they removed all cancerous parts. They took out his diaphragm and reconstructed a new one and took out a few tumors. I mean there's other things, but it's all complicated stuff lol...he's doing well, and currently in ICU at brigham and women's. He's recovering alright, in fact he walked twice today. Which is big. We're all just keeping positive and trying to reassure him he's doing great and looks great.

Thanks again to everyone, it's greatly appreciated.

--amelia

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Just sending you a *hug* Ive been through cancer too many times. My grandfather and three preschool age children. My dad's in ICU right now and the Dr should not have used the "C" word around my mom as a possibility last night. As they both took care of her brother who had cancer last year.

I was about 21 when my grandfather had cancer. My parents had gpa at their home and in their bed. My son was about 2yrs and I'd have him sit on the bed w/ great gpa while I read or played with him. My family always tries to keep a bit of happiness around:)

I'm sure you are pure joy to your grandfather. Play cards w/ him, read to him, hold his hand, ask him to tell you stories. Things like this are so important. There's a lot you can do to help him and I hope that's comforting to you.

one more *hug*,

Nymph;)

Thank you so much, and yeah when I go visit him, I mean he's still in ICU so i can't do much for him, But I do talk to him when he's able to and squeeze his hand. He loves that. It's just a small way to show him that I'm thinking of him, I'm going back Saturday to see him so I hope he just keeps getting better. Positive energy is what he needs. My dad spoke to my grandmother about an hour ago and told me he walked four times around this tiny little like area, that was a big smile for me. He's pushing himself and he's trying to keep going.

I hate the "c" word as well, so we just don't use it....if possible.

Amelia

[littlemissnonamegirl]

I am sure your relative is quite aware that he is fighting cancer. You do him NO favor by refusing to talk about cancer. When you don't talk about it, you are telling him that HE can't talk about it, either, because he doesn't want to make you Uncomfortable!

Please, give him a break. Insist that his doctors and nurses be totally honest with him. Give him the credit he deserves for wanting to fight and beat this thing. That is what he is doing, and wants to do, from what you have told us. He is not giving up, laying there in his bed, waiting to die. Some Cancer patients do that. He is not one of them.

I have been through this with a relative, and quietly talked to her about her cancer when we were alone. She told me that certain relatives didn't like to talk about Cancer, so she had to be careful what she said to them! She then told me that the nurses and doctors are also " pussy-footing around the subject" on her, and won't tell her what they are finding and doing. She told me she didn't plan on dying this soon, and wasn't about to stop fighting. She asked ME how she could make that clear to these other people!

I told her I would talk to the doctors and nurses, and the other relatives, and ask them to stop avoiding the subject. I also told her to just talk about it with them, and scold them if they think its " bad luck " or something to use the word.

So, that is what we did. Visits were a lot more pleasant, and her cancer went into remission. She went home. She lived several more good years, and used to enjoy giving my relatives a hard time about how they treated her during that hospital stay.

You know your father or grandfather better than we can know him with you. Use your best judgment, but don't ever think that any patient that is conscious is not aware of the subtle changes in behavior that tell him something is very seriously wrong with him. Two things come to mind. Cancer, and a fatal heart condition. Most patients can deal with the Cancer issue. The fatal heart condition, when they know they are too old to be eligible for a heart transplant is much more devastating. Give him a break. Above all, be honest with him. You will like the person whose face is in the mirror in the morning for doing so.

Howard

Alas, but of course Howard. We do keep it real and are honest. Honesty is the best policy eh? I know and he knows he has cancer and he's a fighter for all he's been through thus far. But, instead of being like oh he has CANCER. we say, grandpa, you're a fighter and survivor of it. That's big. Be proud and you are amazing. It has nothing to do with giving him a break. I treat him no differently than I would if he were sick or not. He's still my grandfather, the guy I love to spend time with. and that's how WE KEEP IT. We don't make him feel any differently because he's in the hospital. You don't want to focus on the negatives and the wires, we keep the bright side and positive. always. He's thankful for our honesty and such a caring family.

[ToyQueen]

I'm glad he's doing so well. The positive energy that comes from his family is one of the biggest things in his favor. You are doing a great job. Just don't ever forget to tell him how much you love him--every day if possible. That means so much.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Littlemissnononame: GOOD! That is the best way to be a comfort to a sick relative. I am hoping this exchange will help others reading it to be better with their grandfathers. In my family, My grandparents, and parents " laid down the law " to us kids and grandkid about just talking to them in plain English, and insisting to their doctors that the doctors not treat them like a fragile flower. When I found out that relatives on the other side of the family were concealing the diagnosis from a teriminal sick relative, I was Aghast! That is the patient to took me into her confidence, and asked me to talk to her doctor, and her kids.

I am keeping him in my heart, and prayers, and wishing him all the success. He may actually be fortunate that they were able to surgical remove the tumor. Now, if he recovers well enough, and they can use a combination of chemo and radiation therapies to kill the rest of it, he may just have it beat.

Best wishes.

Howard

Howard, you're right on the money.

That's exactly what they are hoping to do, chemo and radiation soon. He's recovering quicker than expected so that's great! And I appreciate you thinking of him and keeping in your thoughts, means insane amounts to me. When I find out more information, I'll be sure to keep you informed.

--Amelia

[littlemissnonamegirl]

I'm glad he's doing so well. The positive energy that comes from his family is one of the biggest things in his favor. You are doing a great job. Just don't ever forget to tell him how much you love him--every day if possible. That means so much.

yes, yes. I believe it was you earlier in the week or so, that told me to remind him how much I love him, and that's what I've been doing. I mean I can't do a lot otherwise, but words really do mean something.

Thanks toyqueen, your advice and comforting is very thoughtful.

Everyone here, extremely caring. It's nice.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Hey

I just wanted to update you all and let you know my grandfather is doing much better and just came home a week or so ago.

He is doing well and will begin chemo treatments sometime this month.

Thank you to EVERYONE for your support and love.

<333

Means the world to me.

[Tyger]

I am so glad to hear that! It must be a relief! *hugs*

[whiskeywoman]

I have been lurking around in this thread for a bit, I am glad to hear that your grandfather is doing much better.

I know how you feel and how diffacult it is to deal with the whole situation.

I think you have done a wonderful job in dealing with the stress and anxiety associated death and illness.

keep your chin up, time will ease all pain, and you will get through this.

((hugs))

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Aw thanks you guys, it means a lot to know that you guys have been there and given your kind words.

I'll be sure to keep you posted of the chemo treatments.

<3