Still No Feedback

[telecom69]

I've posted this same issue on the fourm, but in different ways. I've had some great respsonses back from many, so thanks. When do you decide if you and your mate are just sexually incompatible? My girlfriend is still so quiet and continues to give me NO feedback about what she likes while making love. She is embarrased to tell me in person, so I'll often ask her in an email to maybe take the pressure off. She will not even reply to those. I love her so deeply, do everything for her, and have been pretty patient for SEVEN months. I'm not expecting a wild porn chick or anything like that to come out of her, but just some basic feedback about what she likes. Is that asking to much? We have talked about it, but she says she is worried she will say something stupid or wrong. She continues to say she doesn't know what she likes. I ask her to let me help her find out what she likes and nurture her sexually, but still nothing. Sex was always a chore for her in 20 yrs of marriage and did not like it and she said she rarely masturbated and has never had an orgasm. She has given me feedback only once about some progress she is making with a vibrator I got her to find out about herself in private. This morning I avoided sex with her because I'm becoming frustrated and feeling like I'm the only person in the room while making love and no feedback from her. If I'm avoiding sex, that is a problem. I want this to be ENJOYABLE for her. I don't care about myself. I would be glad to do anything for her and not even worry about me getting my nut off. I know if I expressed my feelings to her like I just did here, she would probably get very sad, feel inadequate, and tell me this may not work out then. I have not and will not go look for it elsewhere (though it has been offered to me by another female aquaintance), as that is not fair to her either. I'm really not a shallow guy, and I'll cointinue to be patient and supportive, but I don't know how much longer I can go. Am I out of line?

[telecom69]

Thanks howard. I wonder how women will respond to this. Ladies, some comments please!

I know she feels bad in that she can't give me that feedback. She has told me several times that I deserve someone else who can provide that feedback and a total package. But, I don't want someone else. She loves me dearly to, and feels guilty and bad that she can't provide me any feedback. I feel like I'm putting pressure on her if I ask her "are you learning more about what you like or how you like it with the vibrator. You can show me, and can I help?" When I go down on her, I tell her how good she tastes, how I love doing it, etc. She won't say anything to me about how she likes it though. Maybe its me, and I'm beginning to feel the inadequate one. Whenver I may put her in a different position or try something new, she may say "what are you doing" and it makes me feel like I'm a pervert or something. I'm not talking about anything kinky either. She is VERY inexperienced with sex. I think she likes sex, but you have to say something to let me know what is going on. I'm not putting her down, but just confused about what I'm doing wrong. From things I've read, I'm doing all the right things. Yes, I love sex to and cumming, but this is an important way for me to express my love for her to. Is that bad? I sleep with her often and we don't have sex, and she told me that was good since it showed her I just wasn't there for sex.

I have offered to pay for sex therapy sessions for her, but she declined. She said she is scared she may actually find out that something is wrong with her and that will scare me away. No way..I want to support her, that's all. She had a lot of problems growing up with her dad, that sex was bad and don't do it, no intimacy from husband, etc. After we make love, I hold and kiss her, talk to her, play with her, and I have never just gone to sleep.

I don't want to give any type of ultimatum. Thanks!

[sexysandra]

Telecom,

I don't know what to say. I've read all of your posts and I never got the impression that she did not enjoy sex. I got the impression that she just is very shy about it.....

I understand that you would enjoy it more if she would take a more active role and I don't blame you. It sounds like you guys have done some fun things though..... You mentioned that you engaged in mutual masturbation one time, I was surprised that someone so shy and reserved about sex would even do that. You say that she is using a vibrator and learned to orgasm. sounds like progress to me.

What if you put together a mutliple choice questionnare for her. She could circle a, b or c. One question could be: Which do you prefer..... a. kissing your neck b. licking your thighs c. sucking your breasts.

then you could go on from there. Make it 100 questions. She won't have to say anything in words or writing. She can just circle the letters. I'm actually liking this idea. Think I'll do it with my lover. "we'll do essay though" ha ha...

anyway, I don't know what to say. I hate to see you give up on a relationship that you have been so excited about.

good luck

sexy

[Mikayla1]

I think if this woman is just not opening up to anything...not trying to at least make it a little better, then you really owe it to yourself to try and be happy with someone else. You always say "you love her to death." The question is, does she love you? I mean love is a 2-way street, and if she knows that a healthy, active mutalistic sex life is so important to you...why is she hesitating so much? There could be reasons why she is shy or inhibited about sex..maybe a past abuse or something, if that is the case then she needs to come clean with you and realize that YOU are not THEM.

IF it is not a past abuse issue, then she just has some kind of hang-up somewhere...maybe it is you. Perhaps she just isn't comfortable with you for some reason..if after all this time and your gentle urging and support she STILL won't give in...well, I say move on. Life is shorter than we realize, how much time are you willing to devote to this?

I suppose I will get a lot of slack from the women on this site for that answer, but put yourselves in the reverse situation if it was the guy doing that to you and you spent every day avoiding sex because it was unfullfilling...what would you do? You would "Run not walk" away...as Howard suggests. Just a thought.

Hope that helps.

Mikayla

[telecom69]

Mikayla,

She tells me she is very in love with me and I see it everyday, and that no one has ever treated her so well or given her the unconditional love I give her. I was thinking the abuse thing to and I'm just going to ask her that to be honest. She often will say she is the way she is because of her upbringing. She went out with about 26 guys (yes, 26) the year after her divorce before she met me looking to be wanted. She is still facing some insecurity problems and that is part of her hangup to. She said she had sex with seven of them and none of them were fulfilling, and they all left her because of the way she feels about sex. The others were never around more than a month or so. I've been around the longest because we had a great conection, and still do. She will be honest with me to and say what she is doing isn't fair to me and why do I stick around. She says I'm the most comfortable man she has been with, even more than her husband of 20 yrs. I know if I just laid it on the line about this she would be devastated and say she isn't for me. To be correct, I'm not avoiding sex most of the time, only now and then. When we do have sex, I often have great orgasms. I want her to have fun to. I'm not hung up on her having the big O and the maco thing, but just let me know what to do or not to do and the O will eventully happen.

Thx for all the comments, it does help.

[telecom69]

I asked her some questions about what I'm doing wrong or right and here is her reply. Remember, she isn't saying anything during sex or after, so how do I know? All I asked her was to give me some guidance about what she is enjoying during sex.

What brought this on? I'm really confused. I thought we had some pretty good sex recently but I guess I was wrong. I don't think you are doing anything wrong but you keep feeling that way - which makes me sad. I don't know how I'm being shy since I think I'm very open to you. I have come a long way, honestly I have. But for some reason I make you feel bad.

I don't know what else to do. Maybe we're really not compatible. Mike, think about this long and hard, maybe I'm not what you want. I'm not kidding, joking, etc. Think about what you really want and deserve from life. I will respect your answer, no matter what it is.

What do you think?

[Mikayla1]

Well, this woman obviously loves you enough to give you up if she feels she can't make you happy, that says something.

My question to you would be, and perhaps then to her, is SHE happy? Does she feel fullfilled in her daily life with you or with things in general?

If she feels one hundred percent fullfilled in your realationship together, sexually and otherwise and you just don't...then you have to make a choice. People that feel fullfilled are not likely to try and change b/c what would be their motivation?

If she admits to not feeling fullfilled, still wanting to learn more, and still has issues, then you still have a decision to make. How much time and effort to you want to devote out of your life to help her? She may never change, she may never be what you want. People are capable of a modicum of change...not much more. We bend ourselves daily to become what we think we are expected to become. The ultimate question is, how much bending are you willing to do?

Let me know what you think. I feel for you, I really, really do!

Mikayla

[HappilyMarried2]

I asked her some questions about what I'm doing wrong or right and here is her reply.  Remember, she isn't saying anything during sex or after, so how do I know?  All I asked her was to give me some guidance about what she is enjoying during sex.

What brought this on?  I'm really confused.  I thought we had some pretty good sex recently but I guess I was wrong.  I don't think you are doing anything wrong but you keep feeling that way - which makes me sad.  I don't know how I'm being shy since I think I'm very open to you.  I have come a long way, honestly I have.  But for some reason I make you feel bad. 

    I don't know what else to do.  Maybe we're really not compatible.  Mike, think about this long and hard, maybe I'm not what you want.  I'm not kidding, joking, etc.  Think about what you really want and deserve from life.  I will respect your answer, no matter what it is.

What do you think?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ok, isn't THIS a HOOT... Someone (ME) who has been on here asking and asking and asking for help myself, suddenly identifies with some of what you are saying. I have several thoughts here, bare with me. I am a victim of molestation and Rape, although this may be long... take time to read please, you might find help here (hopefully)

First.... It does appear since she has brought up her "up bringing" that it could be one of two things. I am not in her mind, so this is not carved in stone, just my thought. The first thing is this. Was she brought up in a spiritual family? The only reason I say that is that I was, and having sex before "committing in marriage" always left me with a guilty feeling. I didn't stop doing it (with my now hubby) but afterword I was always left with guilt. And always left NOT being able to share my wonderful man with my family of which I am so very close to. Second is... it sure does sound to me like she was sexually abused. Either by her father, or someone in her family that possibly her father or other family members convinced her to "hush" about. This is a BIG ONE. Let me share with you that I was also molested (RAPED) as a child, for many years. I didn't share it with anyone until YEARS LATER, and that is my now hubby. It is EXTREMELY hard to gain trust from a man even years later after that happens. I was not in a 20 year marriage like your woman, but I was also in a 4 year relationship with an abusive boyfriend. One who beat me into miscarriages, or beat me when a man looked at me, or just when he had a bad day. He screwed my best friends, and later told me about it. I thought I loved him so much and that I deserved no better, until that last beating when I was almost dead. Now LISTEN UP TO THIS PART!!!!!!!

I was in miserable shape when I met now hubby. I was going through divorce from hubby of 8 years, and dating on top of it. My now hubby and I drank a LOT, both of us drowning our sorrows! HOWEVER, drinking does bring down your "wall" somewhat. We played 20 questions a lot, and the more drunk I was, the more I shared with him. Sometimes the next day I could have killed myself (either because MY HEAD WAS KILLING ME FROM THE HEADACHE or that I have shared SO MANY INTIMATE DETAILS WITH A BOYFRIEND) BUt...... HE NEVER BROUGHT any of those personal issues up unless... UNLESS I STARTED it up again giving him the OK to talk more about it. Some people are lucky enough to talk without influence, some of us need a little encouragemnt. Let me share this with you, and you may not understand it. Like I have shared MANY times, I have been married almost 4 years to my man. It wasn't until LAST YEAR that I shared some intimate details of my rape and molesting relative. You know what the major problem is with being raped or molested? You know why they call it that, and they don't call it that when husband and wife, or girlfriend and boyfriend do "it"? IT IS BECAUSE if BOTH parties are NOT consentual, then it is rape or molestation. Your girlfriend, if being either of those, probably can't get past the "I DIDN"T WANT IT THEN< AND I CAN"T GET TO WANTING IT NOW" routine. Let her know, that when she says NO, it means NO. If you are trying a new position, and she says "what are you doing", softly explain your new method and ask her if "it is ok". Assure her that if she ever says to you, "NO, or I'D rather you NOT do that", then stop immediately. Let her KNOW she is in control of what happens. I recently started having urges of hubby coming in and just throwing me on the bed and pounding the shit out of me, holding my hands down and just going at it. You know why? Because we talked about it. We have ONE key sentence, and If I say that, it means STOP NOW I can't do this. Our key sentence is "Oh this wont work". So if I say stop, get up, get off, quit, your hurting me... all of that is sex talk (building on his masculine sexual turn on of having a woman his way), but it doesn't mean STOP! And I ENJOY IT, because all in all, and in the long run, I KNOW I am in control of my mind, pain or uncomfortable statue. I have one more thought.....

Have you even ATTEMPTED to have her on this site to see what other women say? Maybe she could ask other women about her inhabitions in private? I can tell you this. Therapist, counselors.. ALL THOSE HIGH PAID PEOPLE never helped me as much as my husband has, or EVEN SOME OF YOU here on this site. They want you to relive it to get past it. My theory is this. The past is the past. It will only follow you if you let it. She has to understand that you are quite obviously wanting this to work, but I don't care what ANYONE SAYS.... You can ALL FIGHT ME ON THIS.... SEX IS A HUGE PART OF A RELATIONSHIP..... for both men and women. Some of us just enjoy it more. I will say this to you. I agree stronly with some of the others statements. You can't solve all the worlds problems. Do you know how many women out there would LOVE TO HAVE A MAN LIKE YOU? Only SHE can fix her problems, quit trying to fix her. If she has given you the out by saying you are not compatible, you know what that tells me? She would be just as clear if she were saying to you "honey I appreciate all that you've said. I love how you think about my feelings, and want to get more into this, however as much as I love you too, I am not willing to work on something that is very important to you". She keeps giving you the out, turning herself into the victim AGAIN. That is what VICTIMS do quite often, they blame themselves for everything, and since they couldn't fix it before, they feel no fixing now. Here is my thinking. If you express to you mate that you have a problem, and they suddenly revert it to "poor me, I never can be good enough for you", then RUN. That, in essence, means they don't care enough about YOU to try to make YOU totally happy. Why are you putting all this effort into a woman who is going to totally dictate how your bedroom activities go? And for the record..... YOU ARE NOT A PERVERT>>>>>>>>>>> Just a man who loves sex... I am with you!

GOOD LUCK TO YOU..... hope your total happiness comes SOON, whether WITH HER or WITHOUT HER! You deserve happiness....

HM2

[telecom69]

HM2,

That is quite a story and I'm sorry you've had to experience all of that. No woman deserves that! My 18 yr old daughter was raped by a so called guy friend when she was 16 yrs old. My family literally kept me from killing the guy. I would have been in jail now if it wasn't for them. That will haunt her for years, and it contributed to her drug addiction. Thank God she has been clean for four months now. I pray for her everyday.

You hit it right on the nail with this statement...

She keeps giving you the out, turning herself into the victim AGAIN. That is what VICTIMS do quite often, they blame themselves for everything, and since they couldn't fix it before, they feel no fixing now. Here is my thinking. If you express to you mate that you have a problem, and they suddenly revert it to "poor me, I never can be good enough for you",

That is EXACTLY what she says when she tries to tell me I'm to good for her and she has to work on her problems about sex or whatever. She will blame herself for everything and say "that's ok". I'll hold her and talk to her, but I don't think she is telling me all to get over the fence.

I need to ask her outright if she has ever been abused, because with some of the things she has said, it does hint of it a lot. She grew up Catholic and her mother hated sex with her father, and her mom would even tell her that. Her dad always put her down and still does to this day, and I know she would love to have that acceptance.

One things that does concern me. She will say a lot that I'm to good for her and doesn't know why I'm with her considering what she hasn't done in the bedroom. Most guys would not find her attractive (maybe a 4 on a 1-10), but I see more than that. Her self esteem is very low, and I'm sure that is part of the problem. As many women are, she is on the anti-depressant Prozac. Ive read some studies show that taking that drug makes it hard for some women to have an orgasm.

I have never even come near forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I don't think she wants out, but she does realize the sex compatible thing is an issue.

I'm putting the effort, time, and patience into her because I love her and think she is worth it and eventually think she will change. Time may tell me.. I don't know.

As I said, I'm not expecting her to become this sex crazed woman, all I want is some guidance and feedback. Sex is not a one-way street.

How would I tell her that if she really does love me she will start to become more communcative during sex and after? I hate to tell her outright like that. I mean, to have her help guide me during, and tell me after what she liked or didn't. I've done my fair share of things sexually, so I know what most women like. Maybe I'm naive, but at 46 yrs old I hope not.

Thx All!

[Mikayla1]

I think you are getting some very, very valuable advice here....abuse can definitely change the way you view sex. However, let me 'lovingly" remind you that there are many people in this world - too damn many - who are abused and who go on to have normal, loving, healthy sex lives. If this is the case, and she was abused, then she needs to come to grips with it, get some professional help....but most of all realize that you are NOT her abuser! You LOVE HER, you want to help her...

Getting over abuse can be the hardest thing anyone can ever have to do.. learning to trust again can be so hard....but if she doesn't do it she will spend the rest of her life in a shell all alone with no one to love her including herself.

that is the best advice I can offer....try to get her the help she needs!

Mikayla

[HappilyMarried2]

HM2,

That is quite a story and I'm sorry you've had to experience all of that. No woman deserves that!  My 18 yr old daughter was raped by a so called guy friend when she was 16 yrs old. My family literally kept me from killing the guy.  I would have been in jail now if it wasn't for them.  That will haunt her for years, and it contributed to her drug addiction. Thank God she has been clean for four months now.  I pray for her everyday. 

You hit it right on the nail with this statement...

She keeps giving you the out, turning herself into the victim AGAIN. That is what VICTIMS do quite often, they blame themselves for everything, and since they couldn't fix it before, they feel no fixing now. Here is my thinking. If you express to you mate that you have a problem, and they suddenly revert it to "poor me, I never can be good enough for you",

That is EXACTLY what she says when she tries to tell me I'm to good for her and she has to work on her problems about sex or whatever.  She will blame herself for everything and say "that's ok".  I'll hold her and talk to her, but I don't think she is telling me all to get over the fence.

I need to ask her outright if she has ever been abused, because with some of the things she has said, it does hint of it a lot.  She grew up Catholic and her mother hated sex with her father, and her mom would even tell her that.  Her dad always put her down and still does to this day, and I know she would love to have that acceptance.

One things that does concern me. She will say a lot that I'm to good for her and doesn't know why I'm with her considering what she hasn't done in the bedroom.  Most guys would not find her attractive (maybe a 4 on a 1-10), but I see more than that.  Her self esteem is very low, and I'm sure that is part of the problem.  As many women are, she is on the anti-depressant Prozac. Ive read some studies show that taking that drug makes it hard for some women to have an orgasm. 

I have never even come near forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to do.  I don't think she wants out, but she does realize the sex compatible thing is an issue.

I'm putting the effort, time, and patience into her because I love her and think she is worth it and eventually think she will change.  Time may tell me.. I don't know.

  As I said, I'm not expecting her to become this sex crazed woman, all I want is some guidance and feedback. Sex is not a one-way street. 

How would I tell her that if she really does love me she will start to become more communcative during sex and after? I hate to tell her outright like that.  I mean, to have her help guide me during, and tell me after what she liked or didn't.  I've done my fair share of things sexually, so I know what most women like.  Maybe I'm naive, but at 46 yrs old I hope not.

Thx All!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you really want advise? I am not meaning that in a bad way, I promise! When you copy pasted the statement I made in the earlier (BOOK, haha) you copy pasted the biggest problem I had to overcome. Mikayla is EXACTLY right. I have issues as well, thus the reason for being on here, however, I have a very yummy sexual appetite NOW... NOW that I have gotten help and FINALLY understand that it WASN'T MY FAULT! I can tell you how I felt when trying to advance past the "fear of really knowing a man". I ran men off too! I was more of the type of woman though that did everything they wanted in bed, and then felt so ashamed afterward, which caused them to feel bad and run. It sounds like she isn't willing to attempt it. She HAS TO ATTEMPT some of the things that you are asking for, that is what mates do. Now if you are wanting to stick a cucumber up her ass, I am with her, NO WAY... HAHA (just a little joke to lighten it up). But honestly, in a relationship, my belief is this. EVERYTHING goes ONCE. If we BOTH LOVE it, then hey let's do it again, but if EITHER (not necessarily both) DON'T like it, we never do it again... OR we find a way that can improve the dislikes about it.

When I asked if you wanted advise, I more meant that most of your replies are "I am in this for the long run no matter what" and that is great of you. However, at some point, you are going to have to either get her professional help (that could take days all the way up to years) OR explain how you love her, but this just isn't a compatible relationship. I have only heard you talk about your 16 yo, God bless her, but do either of you have smaller children? Hubby is 39 and we have a 2 year old, so just asking? That is also something else more people need to take into consideration about a working relationship. Telecom, if you do not get some type of help (if she was abused) you will NEVER be able to fix this on your own. How many people in your family are growing to love her? How sad to have this HUGE issue, and it is HUGE when one is not sexually satisfied to the fullest (trust me I know), and to work on it for a year or years, just to find it never was able to work, then all these people are drug into the mess of a breakup. I only say that because my children from ex hubby, are so hurt and confused about people entering their lives all the time, and then leaving. Heck, my 19 year old step son stays more hurt and confused than any of them... Well, just things to think about.

That PROZAC can be a nightmare, why is she on THAT of all things! Do you know how many antidepresants are out there that work great???? And a LOT of them have little or NO sexual side effects! She of course would have to be taken off prozac slowly if she's been on it for a while, but Well Butrin works great, you have great energy with it. The down of that is insomnia, hubby liked that though because we found a good way to use that time I couldn't sleep (wink). Also there is Paxil, or the one I am on currently is wonderful (takes about a month though for full effects) Lexapro.... just some thoughts. That medicine may be hindering a LOT of what she is emotionally capable of right now, switch them up and see?

Well, at some point I will be able to get shorter to the point, sorry to talk your ear off....

HM2

[telecom69]

Do you really want advise?  I am not meaning that in a bad way, I promise!  When you copy pasted the statement I made in the earlier (BOOK, haha) you copy pasted the biggest problem I had to overcome.  Mikayla is EXACTLY right.  I have issues as well, thus the reason for being on here, however, I have a very yummy sexual appetite NOW... NOW that I have gotten help and FINALLY understand that it WASN'T MY FAULT!  I can tell you how I felt when trying to advance past the "fear of really knowing a man".  I ran men off too!  I was more of the type of woman though that did everything they wanted in bed, and then felt so ashamed afterward, which caused them to feel bad and run.  It sounds like she isn't willing to attempt it.  She HAS TO ATTEMPT some of the things that you are asking for, that is what mates do.  Now if you are wanting to stick a cucumber up her ass, I am with her, NO WAY... HAHA (just a little joke to lighten it up).  But honestly, in a relationship, my belief is this.  EVERYTHING goes ONCE.  If we BOTH LOVE it, then hey let's do it again, but if EITHER (not necessarily both) DON'T like it, we never do it again... OR we find a way that can improve the dislikes about it.

When I asked if you wanted advise, I more meant that most of your replies are "I am in this for the long run no matter what" and that is great of you.  However, at some point, you are going to have to either get her professional help (that could take days all the way up to years) OR explain how you love her, but this just isn't a compatible relationship.  I have only heard you talk about your 16 yo, God bless her, but do either of you have smaller children?  Hubby is 39 and we have a 2 year old, so just asking?  That is also something else more people need to take into consideration about a working relationship.  Telecom, if you do not get some type of help (if she was abused) you will NEVER be able to fix this on your own.  How many people in your family are growing to love her?  How sad to have this HUGE issue, and it is HUGE when one is not sexually satisfied to the fullest (trust me I know), and to work on it for a year or years, just to find it never was able to work, then all these people are drug into the mess of a breakup.  I only say that because my children from ex hubby, are so hurt and confused about people entering their lives all the time, and then leaving.  Heck, my 19 year old step son stays more hurt and confused than any of them...  Well, just things to think about. 

That PROZAC can be a nightmare, why is she on THAT of all things!  Do you know how many antidepresants are out there that work great????  And  a LOT of them have little or NO sexual side effects!  She of course would have to be taken off prozac slowly if she's been on it for a while, but Well Butrin works great, you have great energy with it.  The down of that is insomnia, hubby liked that though because we found a good way to use that time I couldn't sleep (wink).  Also there is Paxil, or the one I am on currently is wonderful (takes about a month though for full effects)  Lexapro.... just some thoughts.  That medicine may be hindering a LOT of what she is emotionally capable of right now, switch them up and see?

Well, at some point I will be able to get shorter to the point, sorry to talk your ear off....

HM2

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We're going out this evening to have our favorite drink..margaritas. She only needs 1-2 and she is less inhibited. I think we''ll try to talk more serious. I get the feeling from her that she knows things aren't right, and unless something happens, we'll split. Let me make this clear, I'm not a sex crazed guy. I would say my libido is actually probably lower than most guys my age, so sex in general really isn't the issue. The issue is "communication" in the bedroom.

I hate her on the Prozac. I've suggested an alternative med, but she hasn't done it yet.

[Mikayla1]

I have been reading all these posts and I must say....your g/f (or is it wife?) has some issues that stem much deeper than just not wanting to have sex with you enough. As I said before, past abuse can be so detrimental to a person's whole life...as you are seeing with her...but being on Prozac is serious business! Prozac itself can make her have less sex drive and make her feel un-sexy. Some side affects of mood stabilizers are lack of sex drive. Not to mention that you are definitely in a relationship with a woman with serious baggage - AND I AM NOT IMPLYING OR SAYING YOU SHOULD DUMP HER BECAUSE OF THAT BAGGAGE - I AM JUST SUGGESTING THAT YOU LOOK AT THAT! It seems to me that you have wrote over and over again your concerns over staying with this woman for the long run...your frustrations, the things you are constantly giving in on...how much do you love this woman? I can't remember who said it, but someone once said, "Sometimes love just ain't enough!"

I feel badly for you...I feel like I can't offer you any suggestions here except to talk to her. Try to get her off the meds..or at least on a better one. Plus Howard is right, no mixy mixy the drugs with alcohol, that girl will flip out for sure....read the bottle, it says right on there I am sure!

Please treat this woman with care, but try to treat yourself with at least half the care you are treating her with.

good Luck.

Mikayla

[curvacious_lust]

I totally agree with Mikayla on this one. My sig. other is Bipolar. He was diagnosed after we had been together for 6 1/2 years. Those drugs really whack out the sex drive and when he is cycling, there are lots of ideas running through his head, causing undue stress almost to the point of paranoia. (this usually happens about the time he needs his meds readjusted). I have also learned that if he seems a bit "off"...he has smoked pot within the last 24-48 hours, which interfears with his medications, making his cycling even more rapid and severe at times, or drinking too many beers with his buddies.

I know what its like to love a person, but have no intimacy with them for extended periods. One time, we went almost 3 months with nothing...not even kisses or holding hands. You don't know how hard it is to sleep next to someone with your sexual desire so strong and yet, they don't want anything to do with that side of your partnership.

Good luck in any decision you make.

[telecom69]

I totally agree with Mikayla on this one.  My sig. other is Bipolar. He was diagnosed after we had been together for 6 1/2 years.  Those drugs really whack out the sex drive and when he is cycling, there are lots of ideas running through his head, causing undue stress almost to the point of paranoia.  (this usually happens about the time he needs his meds readjusted).  I have also learned that if he seems a bit "off"...he has smoked pot within the last 24-48 hours, which interfears with his medications, making his cycling even more rapid and severe at times, or drinking too many beers with his buddies.

I know what its like to love a person, but have no intimacy with them for extended periods. One time, we went almost 3 months with nothing...not even kisses or holding hands.  You don't know how hard it is to sleep next to someone with your sexual desire so strong and yet, they don't want anything to do with that side of your partnership. 

Good luck in any decision you make.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

She is my girlfriend, not wife. The problem really isn't that she doesn't want to have sex, as she will pretty much anytime. The problem is utter SILENCE during lovemaking and NEVER telling me what she likes either before, during, or after. I've lost count of the times I've discussed this with her about talking more. That is where the frustration sets in for me big time. This week I'm just going to ask her that if she really loves me as much as she says, she will work on this more or our realtionship is not going to work. She swears there has been no past pyhsical or sexual abuse. I do think the Prozac is a problem to, and I've suggested she go back to the doctor to get an alternative. My real feeling is that she is having sex just to keep me happy, even though she may not have the libido to really want to do it. If she isn't into it, we'll then I am NOT into it or happy, and I think that is normal. Thanks...

[HappilyMarried2]

She is my girlfriend, not wife.  The problem really isn't that she doesn't want to have sex, as she will pretty much anytime.  The problem is utter SILENCE during lovemaking and NEVER telling me what she likes either before, during, or after. I've lost count of the times I've discussed this with her about talking more.  That is where the frustration sets in for me big time.  This week I'm just going to ask her that if she really loves me as much as she says, she will work on this more or our realtionship is not going to work.  She swears there has been no past pyhsical or sexual abuse.  I do think the Prozac is a problem to, and I've suggested she go back to the doctor to get an alternative.  My real feeling is that she is having sex just to keep me happy, even though she may not have the libido to really want to do it.  If she isn't into it, we'll then I am NOT into it or happy, and I think that is normal.  Thanks...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hey Telecom.. I am just going to get tacky here, and some times "tough love" or even "TOUGH ADVICE" might just be what you need right now, SOMETIMES TOUGH works, eh?

Listen up!!!!! If this BROAD is totally ok with ingesting Prozac, or any other medications to stablize her moods or depression, why on GODS GREEN EARTH would she NOT be ok to take some labido medications? Ya know men and women alike out here...... VIAGRA has a name for a reason. Do women not realize exactly HOW MANY DRUGS are out there to enhance a womans sex drive? I had a historectomy (spell check) less than a year ago, and my hormones are ALL out of wack. The dr. said after a year if it is not better, we will check into medications.

This is my poor advice, because obviously after reading all the thoughts on this site I am PLUM ignorant about a lot of things. However, my advice on this one is tell her that if being on mood enhancers is important to her and makes her feel better, you would like to take her to the dr. yourself and talk with the physician about the sexual enhancers out there. Ask her if she hates sex. If she does NOT hate sex, then she shouldn't have a problem with getting on something to help with your relationship. If SEX IS A CHORE TO HER like you feel, you have some deep seeded roots happening here doll! A woman that has sex JUST to keep her man, will eventually get resentful. She will feel like she gave you everything you wanted, but when she felt like she just wanted to snuggle you didn't allow her that. And even though you may offer her plenty of lovins outside of sex, women get moody and see things differently. I AM A WOMAN I KNOW!

Just one more thought. I HATE and I do mean HATE to be forced to do something I am not totally ok with. My hubby loves BJ's.... what man doesn't. I can't deep throat or I'll vomit, so I have to use my hand while giving the BJ. Let me get to the point. I am HAPPY and LOVE giving him BJ's if he stays off my back about it. But when we are having sex and he guides my head there, or in 69 position either him on top OR me on top, he RAMS that sucker in my mouth, and I HATE IT. It doesn't give me a chance to prepare for the "gag" effects, lol. With this, I am trying to apply it to you. Have a talk with her outside of the bedroom, and try not to be forceful in the sack. By listening to you, I can't picture you physically forcing her, but words dig at times. And if you have shared these thoughts with her as many times as you say you have, SHE KNOWS. It is not that it is not so important to her, SHE KNOWS but is having problems. As far as the communicating thingy-ma-bob? Have you tried coaching in a soft sensual sexual way? My hubby is kinkier than hell, however he NEVER was a talker in the bed until recently. I don't know if you have tried this, if so disregard, if not try it, it JUST MAY WORK! I will pull his head right to me and whisper SOFTLY making sure breath hits his ear and neck and ask him "that feel good honey?" "You like that baby" "is that the spot doll", along with the I Love You's.... When you give soft talk like that not expecting a big OMG THAT FEELS GREAT HONEY.... it is a simple yes or no or even mmm she might reply with. But let me urge you on this.... when she DOES mumble even a LITTLE bit of communication, thrust her more or eat faster or carress more or kiss more, SOMETHING that shows her what that has just done to her. DON'T make a big deal VERBALLY about what just happened, because VERBAL is her issue. Make it short and sweet to begin with. Let me share this one last thing. A year ago my hubby could only grunt out ohhhhh myyyyyyyy Goddddddddd, when he came. But after the slow talking method, he will say crazy shit like "fuck me now" or "honey did I ever tell you how good you tasted". I mean stuff that probably you guys are all familiar with, but it SHOCKS me to this day. During love making, he actually tells me softly while LOOKING AT ME IN THE EYE how much he loves me while slowly and softly making love to me. We have progressed, but it wasn't over night.

Hopefully my book has helped you telecom... I feel for you I really do. But you do need to keep in mind when you read these posts that you started this. People on here, or speaking just for myself, we see you as a sensative man that is eager to please his woman no matter how long it takes, but is concerned about her care. WE CAN'T HELP BUT BE ON YOUR SIDE!!!!!!! It is not that anyone is against HER, we are just replying to your posts, and feel.... feel.... TERRIBLE for your situation! Take the advice as care and run with it, don't get offended so easily and make excuses so quick for the woman that you are telling us is not giving into some of your emotional needs. It is not about us not liking her.. we just like YOU MORE.. haha... Take care telecom, and wonderful luck to you is my hope!

HM2

[telecom69]

Hey Telecom.. I am just going to get tacky here, and some times "tough love" or even "TOUGH ADVICE" might just be what you need right now, SOMETIMES TOUGH works, eh?

Listen up!!!!!  If this BROAD is totally ok with ingesting Prozac, or any other medications to stablize her moods or depression, why on GODS GREEN EARTH would she NOT be ok to take some labido medications?  Ya know men and women alike out here...... VIAGRA has a name for a reason.  Do women not realize exactly HOW MANY DRUGS are out there to enhance a womans sex drive?  I had a historectomy (spell check) less than a year ago, and my hormones are ALL out of wack.  The dr. said after a year if it is not better, we will check into medications. 

This is my poor advice, because obviously after reading all the thoughts on this site I am PLUM ignorant about a lot of things.  However, my advice on this one is tell her that if being on mood enhancers is important to her and makes her feel better, you would like to take her to the dr. yourself and talk with the physician about the sexual enhancers out there.  Ask her if she hates sex.  If she does NOT hate sex, then she shouldn't have a problem with getting on something to help with your relationship.  If SEX IS A CHORE TO HER like you feel, you have some deep seeded roots happening here doll!  A woman that has sex JUST to keep her man, will eventually get resentful.  She will feel like she gave you everything you wanted, but when she felt like she just wanted to snuggle you didn't allow her that.  And even though you may offer her plenty of lovins outside of sex, women get moody and see things differently.  I AM A WOMAN I KNOW!

Just one more thought.  I HATE and I do mean HATE to be forced to do something I am not totally ok with.  My hubby loves BJ's.... what man doesn't.  I can't deep throat or I'll vomit, so I have to use my hand while giving the BJ.  Let me get to the point.  I am HAPPY and LOVE giving him BJ's if he stays off my back about it.  But when we are having sex and he guides my head there, or in 69 position either him on top OR me on top, he RAMS that sucker in my mouth, and I HATE IT.  It doesn't give me a chance to prepare for the "gag" effects, lol.  With this, I am trying to apply it to you.  Have a talk with her outside of the bedroom, and try not to be forceful in the sack.  By listening to you, I can't picture you physically forcing her, but words dig at times.  And if you have shared these thoughts with her as many times as you say you have, SHE KNOWS.  It is not that it is not so important to her, SHE KNOWS but is having problems.  As far as the communicating thingy-ma-bob?  Have you tried coaching in a soft sensual sexual way?  My hubby is kinkier than hell, however he NEVER was a talker in the bed until recently.  I don't know if you have tried this, if so disregard, if not try it, it JUST MAY WORK!  I will pull his head right to me and whisper SOFTLY making sure breath hits his ear and neck and ask him "that feel good honey?"  "You like that baby"  "is that the spot doll", along with the I Love You's....  When you give soft talk like that not expecting a big OMG THAT FEELS GREAT HONEY.... it is a simple yes or no or even mmm she might reply with.  But let me urge you on this.... when she DOES mumble even a LITTLE bit of communication, thrust her more or eat faster  or carress more or kiss more, SOMETHING that shows her what that has just done to her.  DON'T make a big deal VERBALLY about what just happened, because VERBAL is her issue.  Make it short and sweet to begin with.  Let me share this one last thing.  A year ago my hubby could only grunt out ohhhhh myyyyyyyy Goddddddddd, when he came.  But after the slow talking method, he will say crazy shit like "fuck me now" or "honey did I ever tell you how good you tasted".  I mean stuff that probably you guys are all familiar with, but it SHOCKS me to this day.  During love making, he actually tells me softly while LOOKING AT ME IN THE EYE how much he loves me while slowly and softly making love to me.  We have progressed, but it wasn't over night. 

Hopefully my book has helped you telecom... I feel for you I really do.  But you do need to keep in mind when you read these posts that you started this.  People on here, or speaking just for myself, we see you as a sensative man that is eager to please his woman no matter how long it takes, but is concerned about her care.  WE CAN'T HELP BUT BE ON YOUR SIDE!!!!!!!  It is not that anyone is against HER, we are just replying to your posts, and feel.... feel.... TERRIBLE for your situation!  Take the advice as care and run with it, don't get offended so easily and make excuses so quick for the woman that you are telling us is not giving into some of your emotional needs.  It is not about us not liking her.. we just like YOU MORE.. haha... Take care telecom, and wonderful luck to you is my hope!

HM2

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

HM2,

No offense taken on anything. I never force her to do anything. Even after seven months of going out, she has still never done oral on me. She said she doesn't mind doing it with me, but doesn't really know how. I haven't pushed that either. Lots of times we do just snuggle and talk in bed without having sex, so she can't get resentful about that. I like that to. I'm not looking for anyone to take my side, but the feedback has been great so far. I do say quiet and sensitive things to her during sex. She will say she loves me during sex, but if she said "that feel good honey", "you like that baby" like you stated...well, damn that would excite the hell out of me! Last week she did say "cum in me" several times while making love. She said it very quietly. Just hearing that excited the crap out of me! I told her after very nicely that things like that turn me on and I appreciate her talking to me like that. I still would like HER to tell ME "harder here", "lick here easy", "don't stop", "yes, that's good, keep going" etc. God, that stuff would get me going so much! To me sex is as much emotional, visual, and vocal as the physical act. The end point is that she only focuses on me during sex and not herself. That is what I'm frustrated. Sure, guys like that now and then, but not everytime. There have been several times where I've said this is about her before sex and focus on her only. Still nothing to tell me what do do, what she likes, etc. Like I said, I'm giving more of the tough love message to her this week, so we'll see. Message will be something like this...

I just want to make sure I understand you will try to help us, and we agree that it isn't an issue of you never being able to talk. If you really feel you never can talk, that obviously will create a problem in our relationship. Sex is not the most important part of our relationship, but we both can't deny it is a integral part of any relationship where two people want to express their love for each other. Please don't cut me or yourself short to experience this. If you truly love me, you will help me to help us more.

[telecom69]

HM2,

No offense taken on anything.  I never force her to do anything.  Even after seven months of going out, she has still never done oral on me.  She said she doesn't mind doing it with me, but doesn't really know how. I haven't pushed that either. Lots of times we do just snuggle and talk in bed without having sex, so she can't get resentful about that.  I like that to.  I'm not looking for anyone to take my side, but the feedback has been great so far. I do say quiet and sensitive things to her during sex.  She will say she loves me during sex, but if she said "that feel good honey", "you like that baby" like you stated...well, damn that would excite the hell out of me!  Last week she did say "cum in me" several times while making love.  She said it very quietly.  Just hearing that excited the crap out of me! I told her after very nicely that things like that turn me on and I appreciate her talking to me like that.  I still would like HER to tell ME "harder here", "lick here easy", "don't stop", "yes, that's good, keep going" etc.  God, that stuff would get me going so much!  To me sex is as much emotional, visual, and vocal as the physical act.  The end point is that she only focuses on me during sex and not herself. That is what I'm frustrated. Sure, guys like that now and then, but not everytime. There have been several times where I've said this is about her before sex and focus on her only. Still nothing to tell me what do do, what she likes, etc.  Like I said, I'm giving more of the tough love message to her this week, so we'll see.  Message will be something like this...

I just want to make sure I understand you will try to help us, and we agree that it isn't an issue of you never being able to talk.  If you really feel you never can talk, that obviously will create a problem in our relationship.  Sex is not the most important part of our relationship, but we both can't deny it is a integral part of any relationship where two people want to express their love for each other.  Please don't cut me or yourself short to experience this.  If you truly love me, you will help me to help us more.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The girlfriend emails me and wanted me to tell her what is on my mind. This is what I sent.

Thank you very much for "taking" care of me Sunday morning, and what a treat. That was very nice, loving of you, and great to say the least. When are you going to let me, and more importantly yourself focus on you, and tell me what you like? I know you like something you can tell me? I won't bite... well, not hard. Lets play.

You have to know what you like or experience in private first and show me. I'm a pretty fair learner :-)

I get the feeling that when you want to focus on me, you take the pressure off yourself to tell me what you like, or at least what you might like. And that is fine sometimes, but not all the time. Would you disagree with that? I love making love with you, and you'll never know how much.

Sex is not the most important part of our relationship and I don't want it to be, but we can't deny it is a two-way street and a part of any relationship where two people want to express their love for each other. Please don't cut us short of this beautiful experience in our relationship.

I love being with you. Your loved, wanted, and desired so much!

[HappilyMarried2]

The girlfriend emails me and wanted me to tell her what is on my mind.  This is what I sent.   

Thank you very much for "taking" care of me Sunday morning, and what a treat.  That was very nice, loving of you, and great to say the least.  When are you going to let me, and more importantly yourself focus on you, and tell me what you like?  I know you like something you can tell me?  I won't bite... well, not hard.  Lets play.

You have to know what you like or experience in private first and show me.  I'm a pretty fair learner :-)

I get the feeling that when you want to focus on me, you take the pressure off yourself to tell me what you like, or at least what you might like.  And that is fine sometimes, but not all the time.  Would you disagree with that?  I love making love with you, and you'll never know how much.

Sex is not the most important part of our relationship and I don't want it to be, but we can't deny it is a two-way street and a part of any relationship where two people want to express their love for each other.  Please don't cut us short of this beautiful experience in our relationship. 

I love being with you.  Your loved, wanted, and desired so much!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Now Telecom?????? IF that DON'T WORK, run your little ass like hell, shit you have me melting.... gonna slide you home number to have you coach hubby on "speeches" LOL... JK...... let me know how that turns out

[telecom69]

Now Telecom?????? IF that DON'T WORK, run your little ass like hell, shit you have me melting.... gonna slide you home number to have you coach hubby on "speeches" LOL... JK...... let me know how that turns out 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As suspected, she did not reply back to the last email I sent her that you saw. We did talk about it last night and she said she didn't reply because she feels like she is being analyzed and it made her feel uncomfortable. She said she had sex for so many years that she hated and NEVER talked with her husband of 20 yrs or other lovers during sex, and she can't change overnight and won't force herself to say things she doesn't mean. I said I didn't want her to lie or make up things either. Last night we kissed and fondled each other for about 20 mins getting excited on the couch before going to her bedroom. I was leaning up against the headboard sitting wih my legs apart with her back to me between my legs. I parted her legs and while kissing her neck, kissing her lips, I was rubbing her pussy for about 15 mins. During all this I'm telling her how much I love her, how good she feels, sexy she is, turns me on, etc. One thing I notice is she almost never gets very wet and we have to use lube. I think she just isn't getting very excited during sex, and that bothers me. It was the FIRST time she ever took my hand and put it on her clit and told me to do it a way she liked. That was very nice, and I told her I appreciated it. She was breathing hard, rocking her pelvis, etc. When having sex with other women in the past, these sounds and moves means she was close to orgasm. My ex would always take my hand and force it around more before she would cum. Her skin would get flush and whole body tense during orgasm. A wonderful site to see in a woman! Anyway, my girlfriend then takes my hand away and says the feeling went away and tells me to stop. She then feels bad or inadequate and doesn't know why this happens. She seems to get to the brink or close to it, and then tells me to STOP. This happens everytime! We then waited for about ten mins kissing and I tried to do oral on her, and she said don't as she just doesn't feel like having it done. A past lover would push my face down there and I loved doing it. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH HER? She says shes pretty sure she has had 10 second orgasms with the vibrator in private, but won't offer to use it together. I've asked her twice and she said she is not ready. I hate to keep asking and putting pressure on her. Its getting old. She needs to talk with someone. Even one of her friends said she will run me off, and that is always in the back of her mind, and she tells me that. Like I've said, I've offered to pay for a sex therapist, but she said no. Our love and emotional intimacy is INCREDIBLE, and we have so much fun together, but this sex thing has got to get better. I'm not asking for a lot While taking last night, we both did say it seems to be a vicious cycle, but still no resolution. I do reazlize that I have a very difficult decision to make here very soon and that saddens me deeply. I can't change her unless she wants to. Thanks all.

[Mikayla1]

It was the FIRST time she ever took my hand and put it on her clit and told me to do it a way she liked. That was very nice, and I told her I appreciated it.  She was breathing hard, rocking her pelvis, etc. 

Anyway, my girlfriend then takes my hand away and says the feeling went away and tells me to stop.  She then feels bad or inadequate and doesn't know why this happens. She seems to get to the brink or close to it, and then tells me to STOP. This happens everytime! 

She says shes pretty sure she has had 10 second orgasms with the vibrator in private, but won't offer to use it together. 

Ok, there is good and bad things happening here. First, she allowed you to touch her and seemed to enjoy it, made some sounds and some pelvice motions so that is an improvement, but she still can't let go. She likes what you are doing (I mean what woman doesn't like her clit teased) and then when she gets to a point, she stops you. WHY? Maybe she doesn't like the feeling of not being in control. Some women get really vocal and move around a lot when they cum and maybe she is not yet comfortable with you seeing that, so she stops short.

The other possibility is, she still doesn't know how to have an orgasm. She SAYS she has had 10 second orgasms, and I suppose that is possible, but have you SEEN or HEARD them? If not, then the possibility is that she may not have and she is just getting to the brink and stopping. Or, she is feeling the intense buildup and stopping before the whole outlet!

I think that you are investing a lot of time and energy into this woman. I think that she sounds like she may be making progress but truly has no idea how to make herself happy sexually. She has to feel enough trust in you to let go, make the faces, moan the moans, get was wild as she can! That is sometimes hard for a woman to want to in front of a man.

On the other hand, how much more time are you willing to "waste" I use that word with kid gloves here, because I know you love her. this may never get better. Your sex life may never change from how it is right now at this moment, are you ready and prepared for a life of that? Just something to think about.

Also, I wouldn't worry too much about the wetness issue, as women get older sometimes their natural wetness deterriorates, especially if she is not in tune with her body. You may want to try some K-Y warming jelly while you are stimulating her with your hands, that is nice and smooth and will give her a little sensation.

Just some suggestions!

Mikayla

[telecom69]

Ok, there is good and bad things happening here.  First, she allowed you to touch her and seemed to enjoy it, made some sounds and some pelvice motions so that is an improvement, but she still can't let go.  She likes what you are doing (I mean what woman doesn't like her clit teased) and then when she gets to a point, she stops you.  WHY?  Maybe she doesn't like the feeling of not being in control.  Some women get really vocal and move around a lot when they cum and maybe she is not yet comfortable with you seeing that, so she stops short.

The other possibility is, she still doesn't know how to have an orgasm.  She SAYS she has had 10 second orgasms, and I suppose that is possible, but have you SEEN or HEARD them?  If not, then the possibility is that she may not have and she is just getting to the brink and stopping. Or, she is feeling the intense buildup and stopping before the whole outlet!

I think that you are investing a lot of time and energy into this woman.  I think that she sounds like she may be making progress but truly has no idea how to make herself happy sexually.  She has to feel enough trust in you to let go, make the faces, moan the moans, get was wild as she can!  That is sometimes hard for a woman to want to in front of a man.

On the other hand, how much more time are you willing to "waste" I use that word with kid gloves here, because I know you love her.  this may never get better. Your sex life may never change from how it is right now at this moment, are you ready and prepared for a life of that?  Just something to think about.

Also, I wouldn't worry too much about the wetness issue, as women get older sometimes their natural wetness deterriorates, especially if she is not in tune with her body.  You may want to try some K-Y warming jelly while you are stimulating her with your hands, that is nice and smooth and will give her a little sensation. 

Just some suggestions!

Mikayla

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No, I have never seen or heard of them, so I'll take that with a grain of salt. You mentioned something else - facial expressions. She never makes those and I can't understand why. She will have a light grin on her face maybe, but nothing else and it is usually very stoic (One who is seemingly indifferent to or unaffected by joy, grief, pleasure, or pain) the whole time. That kind of freaks me out. Even without having an orgasm, almost all women will at least have some signs of pleasure on their face during the act. I know I certainly do, and she says she loves to watch my face. Having sex now is getting that sometimes its difficult for me to get hard because I just don't think she is into it. Is that normal for guys? She did shave quite a bit down there recently to and I LOVED that and told her so. I want more of it after that. So SEXY! We have so many lubes in the drawer that its funny. Warming Jel is one of them. The vibrator is in the same drawer next to the bed and each time we go to bed I'm thinking, "I wish she would get it out and show me". She says she trusts me so much, but you wouldn't know it. I personally think she really needs to talk to someone professionally, and nothing will change until then.

[HappilyMarried2]

No, I have never seen or heard of them, so I'll take that with a grain of salt.  You mentioned something else - facial expressions.  She never makes those and I can't understand why.  She will have a light grin on her face maybe, but nothing else and it is usually very stoic (One who is seemingly indifferent to or unaffected by joy, grief, pleasure, or pain) the whole time.  That kind of freaks me out.  Even without having an orgasm, almost all women will at least have some signs of pleasure on their face during the act.  I know I certainly do, and she says she loves to watch my face.  Having sex now is getting that sometimes its difficult for me to get hard because I just don't think she is into it.  Is that normal for guys?  She did shave quite a bit down there recently to and I LOVED that and told her so.  I want more of it after that.  So SEXY!  We have so many lubes in the drawer that its funny. Warming Jel is one of them.  The vibrator is in the same drawer next to the bed and each time we go to bed I'm thinking, "I wish she would get it out and show me".  She says she trusts me so much, but you wouldn't know it.  I personally think she really needs to talk to someone professionally, and nothing will change until then.

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I am with you, she needs help! One thing for you to think about, quit feeling like you are doing something wrong, you said it yourself, you can't change her. Second, you might need to express to her that it hurts you to CONSTANTLY be compared to all her "past" lovers. When she tells you that she had sex for 20 years and didn't want to, and then tells you she just can't get into it???? DOES A LIGHTBULB NOT SHINE BRIGHT ON YOU RIGHT NOW? When she starts that, tell her. I just can't live 20 years or better with a woman that I am constantly feeling like doesn't really want to be there (in sexual acts). I deserve to have you or any mate that I am with enjoy this, and be happy about it, tell her.

Telecom... suck it up. I speak as a woman here. Don't let your emotions over run you here. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her this involves BOTH of you, so you want her to either seek a sex therapists opinion, go to the doctor about it, or agree to start attempting to give you some of your desires. Let's be honest. If you men are correct and say it is a for real thing that you just have to cum or your nuts will fall off, then really... you are getting what you need right? You are having sex right? Just not the desirable king you are looking for? Tell her those are her choices. Tell her she has one week to set up an appointment (knowing that we are at holiday seasons coming up the appointment might be in January) but atleast get her committment and a committed day where you know help is on the way. Here is the hard part.. the ultimatum! If she does NOT follow through, tell her you think you need time apart. A separation. You need to think if you are prepared to live just like you are now (sexually) for the rest of your life. And DO SO. THINK long and hard about it I mean LONG AND HARD. These are serious issues you are talking about, in most couples it can make or break it. If after your separation you just can't live without her, desirable sex or no sex, at least you will walk with knowing that you had a choice that you CHOSE to be with her. Then you can ALWAYS go back to that separation point in your mind, and remember why you went back, it will be helpful for those times you get discouraged again and wonder why you are there. Make a memory in your mind. On the other hand, you just might find that your needs are very important to you (as most) and realize love doesn't conquer all sometimes. Sex is a HUGE thing in relationships. No matter what you decide, you are either going to make this gal one happy gal for life, or someone out there is waiting to meet someone just like you! Never lose thought of that!

Smiles and best wishes to you my friend,

HM2

[telecom69]

I am with you, she needs help!  One thing for you to think about, quit feeling like you are doing something wrong, you said it yourself, you can't change her.  Second, you might need to express to her that it hurts you to CONSTANTLY be compared to all her "past" lovers.  When she tells you that she had sex for 20 years and didn't want to, and then tells you she just can't get into it???? DOES A LIGHTBULB NOT SHINE BRIGHT ON YOU RIGHT NOW?  When she starts that, tell her.  I just can't live 20 years or better with a woman that I am constantly feeling like doesn't really want to be there (in sexual acts).  I deserve to have you or any mate that I am with enjoy this, and be happy about it, tell her.

Telecom... suck it up.  I speak as a woman here.  Don't let your emotions over run you here.  Give her an ultimatum. Tell her this involves BOTH of you, so you want her to either seek a sex therapists opinion, go to the doctor about it, or agree to start attempting to give you some of your desires.  Let's be honest.  If you men are correct and say it is a for real thing that you just have to cum or your nuts will fall off, then really... you are getting what you need right?  You are having sex right?  Just not the desirable king you are looking for?  Tell her those are her choices.  Tell her she has one week to set up an appointment (knowing that we are at holiday seasons coming up the appointment might be in January) but atleast get her committment and a committed day where you know help is on the way.  Here is the hard part.. the ultimatum!  If she does NOT follow through, tell her you think you need time apart.  A separation.  You need to think if you are prepared to live just like you are now (sexually) for the rest of your life.  And DO SO.  THINK long and hard about it I mean LONG AND HARD.  These are serious issues you are talking about, in most couples it can make or break it.  If after your separation you just can't live without her, desirable sex or no sex, at least you will walk with knowing that you had a choice that you CHOSE to be with her.  Then you can ALWAYS go back to that separation point in your mind, and remember why you went back, it will be helpful for those times you get discouraged again and wonder why you are there.  Make a memory in your mind.  On the other hand, you just might find that your needs are very important to you (as most) and realize love doesn't conquer all sometimes.  Sex is a HUGE thing in relationships.  No matter what you decide, you are either going to make this gal one happy gal for life, or someone out there is waiting to meet someone just like you!  Never lose thought of that!

Smiles and best wishes to you my friend,

HM2

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