Stay Or Leave

[iufan]

Topic has been resolved. Thanks!

[Tyger]

It sounds to me, like he is looking for a housemaid, and has abandoned his wife. If you've talked with him, tried, prodded, poked, reasoned, cried, and nothing seems to work, you have a tough decision to make: How much do you intend to put up with?

Him saying that he wasn't going to bother with a milestone of a marriage? C'mon! How insensitive can he get? It's not superficial to expect something he's promised to be fulfilled. He's sending messages out there, and it's up to you to interperate. If he wants a maid, tell him to hire one. You're his WIFE, and he's lost respect for that.

Unfortunately, even though he is a counselor, sometimes those are the WORST & last to realize how bad things are for them and their relationships! Just because he's educated, doesn't mean he has common sense or decency with treating his spouse with the love and respect you deserve.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but sometimes, we really need to see how much of a Welcome Mat we've become. You also need to ask yourself if you're upset because the marriage is on the rocks, or if because you love him, and this is hurting your heart. The death of a marriage can be as traumatic as a death of a person.

If I were you, and this is ONLY my OPINION, I'd tell him that you need a trial seperation, and one of you moves out. If things don't get any better after that, then you have a definite answer.

I'm sorry you're having to go thru this, but life's too short to live it being miserable and lonely, especially when you're WITH someone! *HUGS*

[Mikayla1]

You poor thing! I tend to agree with Tyger on this one - if he is so insensitive that he not only DIDN'T get you anything for your anniversary but told you rudely that you need to 'get over it' - I feel that shows how he feels about you and your 10 years.

I am a firm believer in changing what is wrong - and in your case that may mean a divorce, a separation or at very least some counseling. I also believe that it is possible that your hb may not be open to counseling, nor care. He seems fairly arrogant in assuming that you would be OK with passing up a milestone like 10 years together. I am not saying that he is a jerk for not buying you something, a suppose some flowers and a nice note would have done just fine if it came from the heart.

It seems as though he is settled into a nice little unromantic life with his 'housewife' and not a partner or a lover. Obviously you can not continue on this road and it is really up to you to decide what to do next. I think that you need to take a stand before you spend the next month, year, 10 years of your life with a man who obviously does not respect you.

Good luck!

[chloegirl]

I agree with Tyger and Mykayla. It's one thing to try to make things work if he is still good to you in all the other aspects of your life, but if he is that insensitive and cold there is nothing positive there for you to stay for. You deserve to have more in your life than just being the maid. Be strong and fight for what you want and need in your life...Best wishes to you!

[pappyld04]

That man should be kicking a Dinty Moore soup can down the street in the process of moving! He is walking all over you and frankly I know there are men out there who would love to treat you right. The anniversary thing doesn't bother me near as much as the statement that was made in lieu of. That is UNACCEPTABLE. I'm not a holiday guy myself but I have never thought that an excuse for treating anyone like that. I don't think an education is the reason it is more his rearing that is to blame I would guess. Sorry but this appears to be one-sided from what you have posted and it is only you that is putting forth the effort to make things work!

[hannibal68]

My mother-in-law was in exactly the same type of marriage. As the years passed, the marriage became more of a business arrangement than a love affair. When she was diagnosed with cancer, her care became a BURRDEN to him. He soon disappeared to their condo and left her care to us. The only time we saw him after that was when he had to have knee surgery and needed someone to care for him. Of course the marriage ended soon after that episode, but now she is alone and regrets wasting 20 years with the man (I use that term loosly).

I know this is difficult, but if he would rather you do his laundry than share your love, then you are only a convenience to him anymore. What happens in the future, if you become an inconvenience (God forbid) will he be there for you.

I agree with Tyger, life is too short, kick him to the curb and tell him to hire a fulltime maid.

[Bugs0825]

I second what iha said. There has to be issues that he needs to work out that are getting in the way of your marriage. I know when I go through a rough time I have to remind myself that my wife is my "help mate" and here to help me as i am to help her. I am a "fixer" and want to do it myself but she offers a different view that I cannot see. My wife and I have overcome huge bumps in our marriage and I hope that you can too. It might be hard for him to go to a counselor with you because of him being one, but its important that you do find an outside eye to help.

I wish that I could have the resources to get big gifts on the big milestones but I do what I can. If all else fails someone needs to give him the V-8 bop on the head. j/k

It might be hard but don't give up. Is there anything that we do in our lives that has true value that isn't hard?

praying for the best

Bugs

[Guest Edge]

i'm no counselor, so take it for what it's worth.

somebody or both of you have to "move" toward the other person. You indicate your desire for fixing things, so it looks like you'll have to make the first series of steps.

My suggestion is that you start to show an interest in some of his likes/hobbies so you'll be spending time together, if you haven't done that already. If it's sports, attend a game. If it's reading, go to the bookstore together (read the book he's reading), etc. Sure it'll be hard at first, but there are interesting aspects to most things in life, we just have to look harder sometimes.

Should you have to do this? NO!

But you seem to be more willing than he, and more interested in saving what you have.

And don't let him kid you...guys like affection and attention too.

As for you anniversary...that was harsh. Us guys need to wake up sometimes and realize that dates on a calendar may hold a soft spot in our SO's life and acknowledge it (it should speak to our hearts too). Lose the careless attitudes (sorry for the rant).

Hold your ground, fight for your relationship, and keep your dignity.

If he won't go to counselling, go yourself.

best wishes to you both.

[iufan]

Thank you everyone for your input. I can appreciate everyone's point-of-view. Yes, there are two sides to every story. I'm going to get an appointment with a good marriage counselor and hopefully husband will go with me. Maybe we can work thru some tough issues.

[pappyld04]

I do hope that you can find a way to fix this. Ultimately the choices you make have to be agreeable to you. In relationships there seems to be at least 3 sides to every story. One for each partner and the one that people on the outside of your lives think we see. You seem to be a determined woman and I'm sure you will fight for what you want. I wish you the best!

[Desires08]

I am glad that you have chosen to work this out. IMHO, too many people give up too soon these days. Everyone I've ever talked to who has been married for a century or half of one have always said that every rose has it's thorn. It's hard for first timers to post and sometimes when we answer those posts our words get a little mixed up unintentionally. And yeah there are two sides to every story. That's with every post concerning relationships and all that goes on within the realms of that. But what we see, when we read a story are the facts or opinions as presented to us. We are not asked to judge or lay blame. We are simply asked for an outsider's opinion.

As for IHA's comment, I truly believe (correct me if I am wrong IHA) that the word not has been accidentally left out. Watch what I mean. I will show you exactly where I am referring to:

NOTE: To actually see the difference, you have to read the original post.

iha Posted Mar 1 2008, 09:15 AM

I intend not disrespect to anyone or anyone's helpful advice, but it's always good to remember that when we have problems and discontents, there is always the 'other side' of the story...this is NOT to say that the person asking for help is lying or misleading, or that their partner is innocent, but it does mean that relationships are complex, and in most cases, both partners carry some responsibility for the current difficulties.