Breakup.

[Beunolas]

Hello. One of my friends reccommended this website for me.

Anyway, I'll give a brief summary. Last week my girlfriend of 15 months broke it off with me. Mainly because the spark had faded and I was trying to control her life. I understand the causality behind this, that in trying to control her life, it only pushed her further away. It is unfortunate that I was unable to realize while I was still within the relationship. I've gained a lot of perception since the breakup, and realized just how much of my life I was basing around her. I also looked up obsessive love on Wikipedia, and I fit the general prototype, save for the after breakup stuff. In any case, I'm going into counseling now for my control issues, because I never want that to happen again, with any girl. I feel like I lost a very important part of my life, and I know there are other girls out there. Given time, I will want someone else. I understand that. However, as of right now, I would like to try and make a new relationship with her. She really wants us to stay friends, and I asked for a week before us talking to work through some of this stuff, and go to my first two counseling sessions so I can at least start thinking about things a bit differently than I was.

I understand we can never go back. I don't WANT to go back. It turned into a really crappy relationship. I want to make a new one with her, where we actually go out on dates, and have fun, as opposed to sitting around, doing nothing, and me being obsessively jealous. I think there may still be something there, and that it may work if things are better than what they were, as far as me having my own life and letting her have her own.

However, I'd like to point out, This is not my entire plan. I'm going to go out with other girls if I'm not feeling it with her, and if she's not either. And I won't wait around forever for her to come around. If I feel feelings for another girl, I won't squash them in the hopes that my old girlfriend will come back. I just want to try and see where that goes with her, and see if there's any chance for that to happen. Well, mainly I was just going to try and be friends with her first, and see if she even feels attracted to me that way. If she does, maybe some casual dates, you know? But not an immediate rush back into the relationship, because I realize that would just make things go back to how they were.

On a side note, she met some guy on facebook, and has decided to meet him for a date. She told me she hasn't met him in real life yet. I get the feeling it won't pan out, but I don't know how that will go. One of my friends thinks she may be rebelling?

Anyway, I just would like general thoughts about this, commentary, ETC please. Thanks a lot .

[Tyger]

I must commend you for looking at yourself from a different POV, and doing some research, and then taking the big step of going to counselling!! Many men can't or won't do that. And, when they do, then it takes a really long time for them to realize it. So, double kuddos for you today!!

I would definitely date, if I were you. Go out, have fun. If you go back with your GF, it may be hard not to go back into that rut that you're trying to get out of. I'm not saying you WOULD, just that it would add a degree of difficulty.

Not to sound like I'm "dissin'" you, but, if she's ready to date, it sounds like she just wants to get out there after being in such a constrictive & negative relationship. This is totally normal too. Hey, if it works out later on, GREAT. But, if there's any hope for that, she has to really SEE that you're trying. Cuz, if it's only been a week, a total change like you're trying to do, is all lip service right now. It takes a long time to see where your issues lay, and how you can change it, then going about to change it, and having it be seen.

Again, I'm not trying to sound like I'm bashing you, cuz I really am not doing that.

I wish you much success in your big change!!!

[Beunolas]

Yeah, I know it's still all lip and no actual doing. I figured it would take at least a few months of casual dating and just being friends, while still going to counseling and actually getting to the point where I really think in that way, and be healthy with it. I definitely never want to get back into that rut, but as you said, motivation alone might not do it, so yeah, it's a good idea just to keep it casual and fun, with some light flirting here and there maybe to bring some of the feelings back.

Thanks, and I know you're not dissing me . Some of my friends have been worse...said it was low class to try and pursue something with her ever again and what not.

[pappyld04]

The first step in fixing a problem is to recognize it and then take the appropriate steps to fix or change things. You seem ready and willing to do that. I don't think it's a good idea to rely on this relationship surviving the past. It may just be setting yourself up for a fall. I hope I'm wrong and you can tell me later "You told me so" but it will take a lot not only to change this behavior but also to convince her that you have changed. I wish you the best of luck on both matters though!

[Beunolas]

Well, she wants to see me. Two nights in a row, but in a group setting. I'm trying so hard not to read into it. I know it is 99% chance nothing but just being friendly. Just hard not to get my hopes up. Oh well. I'm just going to relax, let things just flow, and not force anything. Try to just sit down and have fun with her.

[pappyld04]

At least you can call it a friendly break-up if it doesn't happen. That is a positive note!

[justinlove]

Even though you are seeking counselling, you seem to still be preoccupied with your ex-girlfriend's life. If you really want to date other people and think perhaps someday when you have changed your controlling ways you can try again with her, then the timeline should be more like this;

Remain friends with ex-gf, letting your meetings be random, not pre-planned and overthought. Break it off completely romantically. Don't pay attention to who she sees or why.

Continue with counselling, work on figuring out why you felt the need to control everything, work on changing that. My guess is something big in your life or past needs attention and confrontation. Use all your mindpower on yourself, not your ex-gf.

Date casually, just like your ex-girl is doing. Have fun, try out your new non-controlling ways on other girls you find interesting.

Someday, long in the future (we are talking maybe years here, man, sorry if you were hoping for sooner) when you have both had lives apart for a while and you have grown up and learned to love kindly, your friendship may turn a corner to something more. But really it is unhealthy for you to hope or plan for this. Try to move on as if this is not possible. Doing that may make it MORE possible in the future.

I think you are awesome for admitting a problem and attempting to fix it, and I honestly hope you meet someone new that you love even more. Alot of times changing something so intricate in our personalities means a total separation with all the negative things in your past, including your ex girlfriend. Getting back with her after making progress on your own may set you back to your old ways. I wish you much luck and love!

[cmwise1]

Even though you are seeking counselling, you seem to still be preoccupied with your ex-girlfriend's life. If you really want to date other people and think perhaps someday when you have changed your controlling ways you can try again with her, then the timeline should be more like this;

Remain friends with ex-gf, letting your meetings be random, not pre-planned and overthought. Break it off completely romantically. Don't pay attention to who she sees or why.

Continue with counselling, work on figuring out why you felt the need to control everything, work on changing that. My guess is something big in your life or past needs attention and confrontation. Use all your mindpower on yourself, not your ex-gf.

Date casually, just like your ex-girl is doing. Have fun, try out your new non-controlling ways on other girls you find interesting.

Someday, long in the future (we are talking maybe years here, man, sorry if you were hoping for sooner) when you have both had lives apart for a while and you have grown up and learned to love kindly, your friendship may turn a corner to something more. But really it is unhealthy for you to hope or plan for this. Try to move on as if this is not possible. Doing that may make it MORE possible in the future.

I think you are awesome for admitting a problem and attempting to fix it, and I honestly hope you meet someone new that you love even more. Alot of times changing something so intricate in our personalities means a total separation with all the negative things in your past, including your ex girlfriend. Getting back with her after making progress on your own may set you back to your old ways. I wish you much luck and love!

Wonderful advice. Nothing to add except you are young and have plenty of time. Try not to rush things. Kudos for you for the counseling. It takes guts to delve deep into yourself for answers.

[Beunolas]

I understand. Thanks for the advice.

I would like to add something that I didn't think was important. She went on prozac in october. prozac dampens affections and harms the sexual drive. Takes about 8 weeks for it to come into full effect. She said they really started to go away in december. I felt like I was losing her and really clamped down about then.

<< food for thought. In any case, I've been dwelling on it less and less. I'm going to a prom with a different girl just as friends and having fun. Feel like I'm moving on. It's good stuff.

[Beunolas]

So...Went to their prom last night. Woohoo! It was a lot of fun. First time I've ever cut loose and danced. I totally brought sexy back ;-P.

The girl I took said I gave her the best night of her life. I did good. Saw the guy that margo's dating now. He looks like a dick with hair on top...and he's a bit chunkier than I am...meh. I could launch into the whole "He sucks, and was behind her the entire freaking dance slow dancing the whole time and breathing down her neck." Kinda bugged me a bit, but it was more annoyance and less sword-in-heart, you know? That aside, it was an amazing night and I didn't let it bother my date or I.

[angelkisses98]

glad you had a good time!!

[cmwise1]

So...Went to their prom last night. Woohoo! It was a lot of fun. First time I've ever cut loose and danced. I totally brought sexy back ;-P.

The girl I took said I gave her the best night of her life. I did good. Saw the guy that margo's dating now. He looks like a dick with hair on top...and he's a bit chunkier than I am...meh. I could launch into the whole "He sucks, and was behind her the entire freaking dance slow dancing the whole time and breathing down her neck." Kinda bugged me a bit, but it was more annoyance and less sword-in-heart, you know? That aside, it was an amazing night and I didn't let it bother my date or I.

Sounds like you had a great time and so did your date. Moving on can be really tough but you have it going on!

[Beunolas]

Tell me about it.

3 girls after me, not including my prom date, but including my ex's twin! XD

[Beunolas]

So, couple interesting developments.

She was stuck on top of a mountain last monday. Crying her head off. She called me and begged me to come get her down. So, I went, and caught her from a 30 foot drop. Go me. She called me her knight in shining armor, and told me she owed me dinner.

Yeah.

4 days later I officially started dating my new girlfriend :-D.

And I'm very satisfied. It's pretty awesome to have a "normal" relationship with a healthy, sexual young woman. No more repressed feelings, no more concern about dates...and she's actually able to talk to me! woo hoo!

So, recap. She used me. Again, for her own purposes and needs. Doesn't call me for 2 months, and uses me out of the blue. Don't let it stop my life from going on.

[angelkisses98]

glad you have someone who seems more worth your time and effort. you deserve better then what your ex was offering you/not offering you.

as for your ex. some ppl will always use ppl to benifit there own personal needs, and have no concern about anyone else.