Here We Go Again

[schlingel]

well, 6 months later and here i am again. the last time i wrote, the wife was overseas and gave "me" a birthday present - she crawled into bed with a porn I had sent her and proceeded to masturbate - presumably (and i believed it) for the first time ever. well, she returned stateside briefly (3 months) and has since returned overses for another 6 months. while she was home, sex was better than before, certainly great at first, but the high hopes i had for renewed bedroom energy after 21 years soon waned. so much so, that her latest departure was clearly more painful for me than for her. now, 6 weeks into the repeat assignment (yes, back to all the same "co-workes"), there is again talk of a birthday (hers this time) gift for me next week. so here's my question. how is it that when we're together she wont even look at or touch herself, but upon separation she becomes someone else? or am i just kidding myself and she's just telling me what i want (and I really wanted) to hear? lastly, and most cynical of all, what if this is all being caused by the unthinkable; shes sexually active over there with someone else - and this odd behavior is the aftermath? and don't get me wrong, that wouldn't be so bad if she was exploring/expanding her sexuality - i just don't want to be the last to know. and i've told her as much, kind of given my conditional blessing so to speak. i just have no clue here. any ideas?

[thurisas]

All I can say to this is that sometimes we're more comfortable doing things in private than we are in front of another person. She obviously isn't comfortable with her own sexuality and has, presumably, truly started exploring it during her time away from you. What most people learn and get comfortable in their earlier years, she's just now trying to be comfortable with. Chances are she has a lot of blocks in her way regarding pleasure and sexuality but the good news is that she seems to be trying to overcome that.

The best thing you can do is to be encouraging, which you seem to be. Let her know how the thought of her pleasing herself makes you feel. Make sure you don't make her feel uncomfortable. THat might mean easing back a little in your quest for her sexual liberation if you feel she's getting irritated for a time.

Like you said, there is that chance that she's just saying what you want to hear. If thats the case, at least she's thinking about it now and the idea is in her head. That in itself is a breakthrough depending on how she was programmed growing up. Encouragement and helping her to feel that all of these things are natural will only help you.

As far as cheating goes, well, you know her better than anyone and thats something that you'll have to figure out for yourself but I would warn you not to jump to any conclusions. Deal strictly with facts.

Randy.

[jennycherie]

how is it that when we're together she wont even look at or touch herself, but upon separation she becomes someone else?

that, to me, sounds like an issue of self-confidence. It sounds like you are being encouraging so keep it up and make sure you tell her (over and over) how hot she is and how much she turns you on and how much you can't wait to be with her again. When my husband tells me these types of things it makes me feel bold and sexy.

[Mikayla1]

Thurisas pretty much nailed this one on the head. She is most likely just not comfortable in front of you yet (why, I do not know) but embarrassment comes to mind. It may change after a while, who knows. It is hard to be separated - clearly - even for her.

As for the cheating. She is in a bad situation - away from home - serving in the military. Affairs happen ALL the time. It is unfortunate. I have learned, however, not to accuse unless you are sure. Don't run rampant accusing her of cheating. I am not sure if giving your blessing, so to speak, was wise. Affairs lead to feelings and feelings lead to more cheating and more cheating leads.....no where good!

Perhaps when she returns you have to just send her into the bedroom to do her thing and 'peek' at her through the door crack or something until she gets comfortable. There are many ways to attack this.

[Amylynn920]

If she is telling the truth, and is able to do this away from you, and can't with you, she's as the others have said, not comfortable with her sexuality to do it in front of you. Why I don't know either. My husband knows I do, I do it in front of him, and we have nights when he needs a break from sex, and I will tell him that I want my orgasm and will masturbate with him beside me, fully aware and he'll help me out. I know for me, it's because I'm totally comfortable in front of him.

If she is having an affair, and don't assume she is, I would not continue to give her the green light, I think that's asking for trouble. But that's my .02 cents.

I would be honest and just talk to her about it. What does she say is the reason when you ask her why she won't on front of you?

[schlingel]

If she is telling the truth, and is able to do this away from you, and can't with you, she's as the others have said, not comfortable with her sexuality to do it in front of you. Why I don't know either. My husband knows I do, I do it in front of him, and we have nights when he needs a break from sex, and I will tell him that I want my orgasm and will masturbate with him beside me, fully aware and he'll help me out. I know for me, it's because I'm totally comfortable in front of him.

If she is having an affair, and don't assume she is, I would not continue to give her the green light, I think that's asking for trouble. But that's my .02 cents.

I would be honest and just talk to her about it. What does she say is the reason when you ask her why she won't on front of you?

thanks to all for all the input. ironically to answer your question "what does she say..." - she says thats what i'm for. remember, during foreplay, sex, afterplay she will not touch herself in any way. i don't think she's uncomfortable in front of me. she'll do some crazy things with me from time to time (toys, videos), but never anything to or for herself. until now! 10,000+ miles away.

as for the green light you're (and everyone else is) probably right. i just thought if it took something extreme to get her to change i would be all for it. married 21 years now i'm not too concerned about her running off with someone else. besides, i wanted her to know that i'm comfortable and secure in our marriage and that she has every opportunity available. don't get me wrong. i'm not trying to push her in any one direction, but i don't want to close any doors either.

keep in mind the true nature of my dismay. in 22 years she has never once orgasmed during sex. i know this, because after a few years you start to track things like this - there goes the ego. but, she can only climax when i stimulate her clit manually. and yes we've talked about it and she quotes the fact that 70% of women (maybe it's 90% - i never really listen anymore) are this way. bottom line is, i'm ok with that, and have been for some time. until 6 months ago when this started. now magically she's off to the races by herself and i'm still in the gate.

[angelkisses98]

thanks to all for all the input. ironically to answer your question "what does she say..." - she says thats what i'm for. remember, during foreplay, sex, afterplay she will not touch herself in any way. i don't think she's uncomfortable in front of me. she'll do some crazy things with me from time to time (toys, videos), but never anything to or for herself. until now! 10,000+ miles away.

as for the green light you're (and everyone else is) probably right. i just thought if it took something extreme to get her to change i would be all for it. married 21 years now i'm not too concerned about her running off with someone else. besides, i wanted her to know that i'm comfortable and secure in our marriage and that she has every opportunity available. don't get me wrong. i'm not trying to push her in any one direction, but i don't want to close any doors either.

keep in mind the true nature of my dismay. in 22 years she has never once orgasmed during sex. i know this, because after a few years you start to track things like this - there goes the ego. but, she can only climax when i stimulate her clit manually. and yes we've talked about it and she quotes the fact that 70% of women (maybe it's 90% - i never really listen anymore) are this way. bottom line is, i'm ok with that, and have been for some time. until 6 months ago when this started. now magically she's off to the races by herself and i'm still in the gate.

maybe she is finally "coming into her own". maybe she is just getting used to the fact that its not a bad thing to enjoy masturbating and she has to get used to that first before she brings it into the bedroom to share with you. if it bothers you, then i would talk to her about it. be honest and open.

[Amylynn920]

thanks to all for all the input. ironically to answer your question "what does she say..." - she says thats what i'm for. remember, during foreplay, sex, afterplay she will not touch herself in any way. i don't think she's uncomfortable in front of me. she'll do some crazy things with me from time to time (toys, videos), but never anything to or for herself. until now! 10,000+ miles away.

as for the green light you're (and everyone else is) probably right. i just thought if it took something extreme to get her to change i would be all for it. married 21 years now i'm not too concerned about her running off with someone else. besides, i wanted her to know that i'm comfortable and secure in our marriage and that she has every opportunity available. don't get me wrong. i'm not trying to push her in any one direction, but i don't want to close any doors either.

keep in mind the true nature of my dismay. in 22 years she has never once orgasmed during sex. i know this, because after a few years you start to track things like this - there goes the ego. but, she can only climax when i stimulate her clit manually. and yes we've talked about it and she quotes the fact that 70% of women (maybe it's 90% - i never really listen anymore) are this way. bottom line is, i'm ok with that, and have been for some time. until 6 months ago when this started. now magically she's off to the races by herself and i'm still in the gate.

I disagree, that is not "what you're there for." It is her responsibility to take control of her orgasms. You can surely assist, but it is her responsibility.

[chloegirl]

Maybe it's just the fact that yes she is just now coming to a point in her life where she feels ready to sexually evolve, but being together for 21 years, by now you two have a kind of pattern going that she just can't get past. You know....the same old same old (even if in your mind you have been trying to shake things up). She needs to feel that you want to see her in this new light....that you are very turned on by it.....Encourage her. Do you masturbate in front of her? I mean really get into it and make it a sensual and erotic experience? Do you both have access right now to computers? Start out by giving her a webcam show....erotically masterbate for her online telling her how thinking of her turns you on and how good it feels. I guarantee watching you and the online sex talk will get her going and before long she'll be ready to join you in a mutual session. The "anonymity" of being together but NOT together online may just be the first steps she needs to start feeling comfortable enough to let go with you in person. Good Luck!

[mystofpric]

Maybe she just doesn't feel the need to. it may be as simple as that, when I'm with a guy i don't feel the need to, even if I'm only getting sex once a month I can usually wait for it. I feel that masterbation is a poor subsitute, it's fun when I need to but it's not what i want. Maybe she feels teh same way. That's just me, that's how I understand "that's what your there for" I don't think it's a matter of not wanting to take control of her own pleasure I think it's more than she doesn't need to. You may truly be enough for her. And if she is masterbating while she's away then it would be because she can't have you and needs a subsitute. As far as cheating goes, that you have to talk to her about, I wouldn't green light anything though. That again is me though.

[pappyld04]

While I understand your concerns about attitudes I would also like to inform you of what it takes to turn that kill/love switch on or off. The human brain is not geared to instantly seek out others to kill. This IMHO is the reason for what you speak of. I would not venture guess to whether it involves cheating because it's not uncommon. Even though 3 months may seem like enough time to throw that switch to the off position there is always that voice in the back of the mind that says I must not turn that switch in that direction and relax my guard for even a split second. If I do I will die! I know it's not easy to see but in this case it may set you at ease at least a bit!