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I love to have sex with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 12 years. My problem is that after our son was born, I had gained a lot of weight and can't get rid of it. My boyfriend says he loves the way that I look and has no problems, however, I want to feel sexy again. I can't even have sex with the light on cause it makes me feel wierd. Is there any techniques I can do to spruce up what we have because he thinks I am not into sex anymore. I want to show him I am, without the worry about the way that I look. I have tried diets but my doctor says I am normal for my height and stuff but it affects my sex life and I don't know how to fix it. Also do you think getting a little aggresive would help. I think he might like it if I took control. I like all kids of sex and this probably sounds stupid but I really need the help. Am I just being foolish and worrying for nothing?

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First of all, you have to feel sexy INSIDE to make yourself sexy OUTSIDE! If a woman has that sexy inside feeling she will be sexy to her partner and he will feel that sexiness too! I have said it before many times (perhaps search my posts) it is our responsibility as WOMEN to become comfortable in our own skins! We are all different, we are all sensual, we are all sexy in our own ways! Play up what you think is your best asset:

Have great tits - then wear something that highlights them

Great ass - hightlight that

Have night hair - do it really nice

Every woman can find something that she likes about herself - lips, eys, fingernails - something to use to be sexy! Even women who have a little extra weight can find something that they are comfortable about. Your man says he loves you the way you are - which is great - but YOU have to love YOU! If you don't, he will sense it!

So buy some lingerie - there are online stores that will sell the nicest to the most outrageous lingerie for all sizes - and I mean ALL SIZES! Find something you think you would FEEL sexy in! If you FEEL sexy, you will BE sexy. Use candlelight. Candlelight is very figure flattering. Being in total darkness sucks - use candlelight!

Step up your lovemaking with sensual music and massages! This is an easy way to get in the mood without a lot of "showing of yourself"

Then, as you get more comfortable, just say the hell with it, and start doing what feels good! Play with toys, try new positions (check my posts - I have given a lot of advice on this) try light bondage! Have fun!

Also, remember that exercise - whether it be walking, jogging, yoga - not only is good for you but it also creates hormones in the body that make you horny! Trust me, I am a jogger and when I jog I get so horny! If you start taking walks or doing yoga, you will be doing something healthy for yourself AND you will be getting hornier!

So have some fun girl! Go get SEXY!

Mikayla :rolleyes:

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I have to say, since my boyfriend and I have been together, a year and a half ago, I have put on more weight then I would care to carry around. I get real down on myself cause none of my clothes fit correctly. I too went through a point where I didn't want my boyfriend to see me naked. If he had it his way, he would have me naked 24/7. He thinks I am beautiful and have the most beautiful body. I have to say, that helps with my self esteem. I didn't want to have sex in the light, but I did like to watch his face as I went down on him or as we had sex. I found that candlelight helped my situation. We were able to see each other and I didn't feel like all my fat was blinding the situation.

Does your boyfriend compliment you frequently?

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I feel like their has to be some qualifications here. Howard is not talking about me - I am not the person who went off the BC pills and started loossing the weight - I am not sure which post he is talking about. It is true that BC pills can cause you to GAIN weight and perhaps getting off of them might help you to loose weight.

I must admit - I am not what you or probably anybody would consider "overweight" - however, I have been uncomfortable with my size for myself. I am a jogger and I like to use exercise as a means of keeping my weight under control. There have been points in my life - after my son was born for example, when I had to struggle to get the weight off - and my hb still commented that I was super sexy and beautiful. Even 9 months pregnant he said I was sexy. I felt sexy. I try very hard to never let myself NOT feel sexy.

That is what I meant about feeling SEXY inside..you have to have the inner sex goddess to present the outer sex goddes. All women are different, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, we all can find the prettier woman, the thinner woman. I say this is ridiculous! We need to be happy with ourselves - we need to be happy in our own skins! Now, if we can't, if we feel bad, unhealthy, then we have to take steps to make ourselves feel better!

I know your self-esteem is bad - when you talk about yourself as "fat" and as having your "fat" blinding the situation! That is not good for you, or your situation. That man apparently loves you the way you are - WHICH IS GREAT! However, as I said, you don't love you - so you have to learn to. Do little things to make yourself feel better. Go buy at least 1 thing that makes yourself feel good about you. 1 outfit that fits RIGHT! 1 thong or g-string to feel sexy in (yes, they come in all sizes ladies)

Listen, I have a lot of friends who say, "Mikayla, if I could just be your size I would be so happy" I just say "shut up...you are YOU, you are beautiful...you have killer tits, go find a low cut blouse, or lingerie that shows it off" or, we go for a walk and talk about how to give a killer Blow Job so he is looking at her head and mouth and not thinking about the thighs SHE hates. There are so many ways to make yourself feel better about YOU!

Get inspired....get motivated....get moving.....get sexy.....you can do it....all women are sexy at heart!

good luck!

Mikayla :blink:

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I feel like their has to be some qualifications here. Howard is not talking about me - I am not the person who went off the BC pills and started loossing the weight - I am not sure which post he is talking about. It is true that BC pills can cause you to GAIN weight and perhaps getting off of them might help you to loose weight.

I must admit - I am not what you or probably anybody would consider "overweight" - however, I have been uncomfortable with my size for myself. I am a jogger and I like to use exercise as a means of keeping my weight under control. There have been points in my life - after my son was born for example, when I had to struggle to get the weight off - and my hb still commented that I was super sexy and beautiful. Even 9 months pregnant he said I was sexy. I felt sexy. I try very hard to never let myself NOT feel sexy.

That is what I meant about feeling SEXY inside..you have to have the inner sex goddess to present the outer sex goddes. All women are different, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, we all can find the prettier woman, the thinner woman. I say this is ridiculous! We need to be happy with ourselves - we need to be happy in our own skins! Now, if we can't, if we feel bad, unhealthy, then we have to take steps to make ourselves feel better!

I know your self-esteem is bad - when you talk about yourself as "fat" and as having your "fat" blinding the situation! That is not good for you, or your situation. That man apparently loves you the way you are - WHICH IS GREAT! However, as I said, you don't love you - so you have to learn to. Do little things to make yourself feel better. Go buy at least 1 thing that makes yourself feel good about you. 1 outfit that fits RIGHT! 1 thong or g-string to feel sexy in (yes, they come in all sizes ladies)

Listen, I have a lot of friends who say, "Mikayla, if I could just be your size I would be so happy" I just say "shut up...you are YOU, you are beautiful...you have killer tits, go find a low cut blouse, or lingerie that shows it off" or, we go for a walk and talk about how to give a killer Blow Job so he is looking at her head and mouth and not thinking about the thighs SHE hates. There are so many ways to make yourself feel better about YOU!

Get inspired....get motivated....get moving.....get sexy.....you can do it....all women are sexy at heart!

good luck!

Mikayla :blink:

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I am well aware of the "fat" issue. I have been overweight my entire adult life and it does put a cramp in my sex life-Sometimes because men do not take the time to get to know me and other times because I am not comfortable being as flirty or sexy as I otherwise would be at a smaller size. Mikayla is absolutely right that it has to come from within and any woman regardless of her dress size from 2 to 22 can feel overweight and dissatisfied with her appearance to the point where it hinders her in bed and likewise any woman, whether size 2 or 22 can feel sexy with her man/woman.

Your significant other deserves a bravo if he makes you feel sexy and loves you the way you are-- that is rare in this day and age. But it is still on you, if you are still uncomfortable with your physical appearance there are alternatives if diet and the gym are not working- you can get liposuction to minimize certain pockets of fat- it is not too expensive and I know quite a few women who have felt much better about themselves afterwards. I know I will need it after my gastric bypass surgery this summer.

As far as spicing things up, sure- try on one of his fantasies. If you want to get aggressive, go for it. I am sure Howard can speak to this-- most men I have known love it when I woman knows what she wants and is willing to take charge.

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I love to have sex with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 12 years. My problem is that after our son was born, I had gained a lot of weight and can't get rid of it. My boyfriend says he loves the way that I look and has no problems, however, I want to feel sexy again. I can't even have sex with the light on cause it makes me feel wierd. Is there any techniques I can do to spruce up what we have because he thinks I am not into sex anymore. I want to show him I am, without the worry about the way that I look. I have tried diets but my doctor says I am normal for my height and stuff but it affects my sex life and I don't know how to fix it. Also do you think getting a little aggresive would help. I think he might like it if I took control. I like all kids of sex and this probably sounds stupid but I really need the help. Am I just being foolish and worrying for nothing?

its understandable why you think you have to worry....i have been down that road before...not feeling as sexy as i use to ....but its a mind over matter thing....i just thought i have to get over this not only is it not good for my relationship but not good for me...dont dwell on what you think is not your best feature....in this case your weight....u had a baby...and youre not the only women who gained after having a child....the last thing you need is to let this bother you so much that you end up in a bad state of depression....Mikayla offered good advice....play up what is your best feature....you will feel sexy again believe me....and as far as the weight loss....weight watchers works wonders also just the basic cutting down on portions and doing at least 30 mins of anything walking jogging whatever will help maybe slow but sure it will help and in more ways then one not just body but mind......one dvd to try is walk away the pounds...im sure you will find something that works for you and soon you will be back to feeling sexier then ever....good luck and keep us posted

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This is definitely something I can relate to. I was two sizes larger at my divorce than on my wedding day, and I was pregnant on my wedding day! And I've only lost one size since! However, interview my boyfriend thoroughly and you'll find he has no complaints about our sex life. See, at some point, I convinced myself I was a sex goddess, and have managed to maintain that opinion of myself. Do I still think I'm overweight? Of course. I just realized that, in this area, it didn't have to make a difference. I can't tell you what will get you there - the human mind is a messed up place, and insecurity is always hard to battle with. But it is possible. I think it starts with being able to see yourself as sexy - for me this meant doing my hair, putting on something low cut, getting out of the jeans and tshirts, etc. Figure out what it is for you. It may not be as hard as you think.

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lmao Mikayla! I just finished reading what you said about exercise increasing the hormones that effect sexdrive. LOL, it answered a lot of questions Ive had about whats going on with me. About a month ago I doubled my workout and have been experiencing exactly that! Im a pretty smart person but never considered it being the exercise; LOL just thought i was going through a thing :rolleyes:

Edited by Katie
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It is TRUE! I have been telling people that exercise increases horniness or sex drive - now I have a supporter! It is the adrenaline and hormone release! Good for you - Keep it UP!

For further proof, here is an article from Discovery Health:

"Exercise As An Aphrodisiac

Exercise can keep your heart healthy, your body slim and your psyche sound, and now comes the news that it can act as an aphrodisiac too. Although you may not feel so sexy after a sweaty workout, don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling in the mood for love.

Research now suggests that along with all of the other health benefits exercise confers, it can also give a big boost to your sex life. The reason has less to do with getting stronger than with the release of endorphins in the brain (as a result of physical exertion) that influence how we feel.

These are the same neurochemicals responsible for a "runner's high" or the sense of exhilaration that comes from skiing down a mountain or after an intense aerobics class. It turns out these brain chemicals may also be linked to the release of hormones that power the sex drive. Research has shown that women who exercise regularly tend to have more active sex lives, are more easily aroused, and reach orgasm more quickly than those who don't work out.

Less vigorous Eastern forms of exercise take another approach. Instead of stimulating brain chemicals to rev up the sex drive, yoga and tantra provide postures designed to help resolve specific sexual problems. Some are said to work by stimulating blood flow to the genital area while others are directed toward maximizing sexual performance and satisfaction. While there's no scientific proof that these ancient exercises add up to effective aphrodisiacs, practitioners seem pleased with the results.

If exercise has no appeal, then twirling around on the dance floor can get the juices flowing just the same. In fact, whether the music is a minuet or mambo, moving to the beat is an age-old, socially sanctioned mating ritual. Whatever your preference — from the treadmill to the dance floor — it seems clear that the more you move your body, the better your sex life can be."

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lmao Mikayla! I just finished reading what you said about exercise increasing the hormones that effect sexdrive. LOL, it answered a lot of questions Ive had about whats going on with me. About a month ago I doubled my workout and have been experiencing exactly that! Im a pretty smart person but never considered it being the exercise; LOL just thought i was going through a thing :rolleyes:

Very cool article Mikayla! Thank you very much for the post. Oh and will keep it up--Im feeling great! ;)

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